Transcribed by Lee Estall(lee.estall@home.com)
(Open to Starks Ponds. The four boys are camping outdoors. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting at a campfire roasting marshmallows and Cartman has no marshmallows to roast for himself. He starts playing on his harmonica)
Cartman: Y'guys! Listen to this song I just wrote! It's called "I Hate Y'guys!". (blows into his harmonica and sings) I hate y'guys! Y'guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most. Okay, now! Let's try one altogether! (sings again) I hate y'guys! C'mon! Y'guys know the words! Especially Kenny!
Kyle: (to Stan) This is sweet being rugged outdoorsmen! Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30.
(Cartman starts to leave)
Stan: (to Cartman) Where're you goin?
Cartman: I'm goin home for a minute! I have to go to the bathroom!
Kyle: Just go behind the trees!
Cartman: I have to go number two!
Stan: So, you can poo in the wilderness!
Cartman: No way, dude! What would I wipe with!?
Kyle: Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
Cartman: What do I sit on?
Kyle: You just squat, stupid!
(Cartman pulls down his pants)
Stan: Not here! Go further away!
(Cartman pulls his pants back up)
Cartman: God! I'm glad y'guys know all these pooping outside rules! (goes behind the background and squats there) Heh! Eh uh eh!
Kyle: Watch out for ground eels!
(Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh)
Cartman: Shut up, y'guys! I can't think!
Kyle: What do you have to think about?
Cartman: I have to think about planes droping bombs, and dump trucks, and soft serve ice cream... (poops) Ah! That did it!
Stan: Sick, dude!
(Cut to pond. something arises out of the pond. Cut back to the boys.)
Cartman: (sings on his harmonica) Pooping outside! Making soft serve ice cream! For all my friends! Especially Kenny! Hey, Kenny! Can I borrow one of your gloves? (a jakovasaur peeks behind Cartman)
Kenny: {Okay!} (rethinks) {No way!}
Cartman: (hears a noise) What the...!
Joon-joon: (a jakovasaur) OOMA! KOOGA!
Cartman: (sees jakovasaur) Aw, my God, y'guys! Come look at this!
Stan: We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
Cartman: Y'guys! Get over hnya!
Kyle: No way, dude!
Cartman: I'm seriously!
(they walk over)
Cartman: Look! Over by those bushes!
Kyle: What!?
Joon-joon: MESO SCARED!
Stan: I see it!
Cartman: C'mon! Let's kill it!
Kyle: (Steps in Cartman's poop) Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!
(Cut to Jimbo and Ned's house. Ned is in his underpants and robe looking all over the house for something.)
Infomercial Announcer: (on TV) Look at this sword! Offered only here on House Shopping network! It's got a dragon on the blade! It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! Used by the samurai...
Jimbo: Ned, how the hell could you loose your voice box. (Ned tries to speak, but nothing comes out since he doesn't have his voice box.) I Can't hear you, Ned! You don't have a trachea! You smoke too much, you had it removed! And then, you drank too much and you lost your goddam voice box, Ned!
Ned: (burp-talking) Shhhut--Up--Jim--Bo!
Jimbo: Ah, Ned! Don't burp-talk! That just sicks me out!
Stan: (from outside) Right this way!
Kyle: (from outside) Over here!
Cartman: (from outside) C'mon, y'guys!
(Jimbo goes outside and meets the kids)
Jimbo: What the hell's goin on?
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found some big animal creature! It ran over that way! (points)
Jimbo: Hold on! I'll get my shotgun! (goes inside) Ned! Ned, c'mon! (Jimbo comes out with his gun and Ned comes out after) Where did it go?
Kyle: It just ran by here a second ago!
(A noise)
Jimbo: (Cocks gun) Sounds like it ran into the ostritch trap!
(They all go to the ostritch trap.)
Jimbo: Shh! Now, keep quiet! I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready! (turns on flashlight to reveal the Jakovasaur in the trap)
Joon-joon: OOKA JAGA!
Jimbo: Holy crow! I've never seen anything like it!
Joon-joon: MESA HOOLIN TYD?! WHOOO-WHUH-WHAP!
Cartman: He he! Hey! That thing's funny!
Kyle: It's stupid!
Jimbo: Well, let's kill it!
Cartman: No! No! Don't!
Jimbo: Huh?
Cartman: I like it!
Kyle: You don't like anything, Cartman!
Jimbo: Well, alright! Ned, get the mayor on the phone, tell her that we...(remembering that Ned lost his voice box) Yeah, right! You can't talk! Alright! Never mind! I'll do it! (starts to leave)
(Cut to South Park Avenue the next morining. The whole town is gathered around looking at the Jakovasaur.)
Jimbo: Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing! Put up one hell of a fight!
Sheila: (Approaches the Jakovasaur in the cage) Hello, there! Who's the cute baby! Who's the fuzzy, huh! Yes, that's a cutie!
(Three Department Representatives enter)
Dept Rep #1: Mayor, we're from the department of interior!
Mayor: Oh, yes! How are you?
Dept Rep #1: Fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #2: Fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #3: Fine!
Mayor: Right over here! (she leads the three reps to the jakovasaur)
Dept Rep #2: My God, McLaghnan! Do you believe it?
Joon-joon: MESA NEEDZA JAKOV! GOOOO-WOP!
Dept Rep #1: It's amazing!
Mayor: What?
Dept Rep #1: Mayor, this is a jakovasaur! A live one has never been seen!
Mayor: Ooh! Neato!
Dept Rep #2: Incredible! We know of this creature only from remains found frozen in snow!
Dept Rep #1: Do you realize what this means?! We can use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jackovasaur species back from extinction!
Cartman: Wow! Cool!
Ned: (burp-talking)Is--there--re--ward--money?
Jimbo: Uh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
Dept Rep #2: This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.
Red-headed Woman: Well, in that case, I think we should name it...Hope!
Man: Hope!
Man with a Ghoti: Yes! Hope!
Joon-joon: MESA NAYM JOON-JOON!
Stan: I think his name is Joon-joon!
Mayor: Hope! Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!
Dept Rep #1: Now we must find a safe place for it!
Mr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house!
Mayor: No, Garrison! You'll just try to have sex with it!
Joon-joon: AWRAH?!
Mr. Garrison: What! How dare you say that!
Mayor: Garrison, you remember what happened the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut!
Rancher: I've got a barn it can stay in! It ain't much, but it's heated!
Dept Rep #1: Well, that sounds fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #3: Fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #2: Fine!
Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute! I wanna clear the air, here! We all know that pigeon was a whore! Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon! (everybody else raises their hand) Oh, whatever!
(Cut to Stark's Pond. Something else mysteriously rises out of the pond. It finds the boys' tent, find's Cartman's lunchbag, sniffs it, and sees Cartman's address as it reads: "E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir, South Park, CO")
(Cut to Cartman's house. Cartman is sitting on the couch watching TV)
Infomercial Announcer: (on TV) It's got a dragon painted on the blade! This is the Sumatomi Sword...
Cartman: Wow! A dragon right on the blade! (Calls his mother) Mom! Can I get a Sumatomi Sword used by the ancient Togagawa soldiers?
Mrs. Cartman: (from her bedroom) I'll think about it, hon!
Cartman: Weak! (There is a knock at the door) Mom! Somebody's at the door!
Mrs. Cartman: Mommy's busy, poopykins!
Cartman: Should I get it?
(Cut to Mrs. Cartman's bedroom where she is naked and smoking crack lighing it with a blow-torch. She is with two boyfriends.)
Mrs. Cartman: Go ahead, snookums! It's probably one of your little friends!
Cartman: (offscreen) Okay!
Boyfriend #1: Mmmmm!
(Cut to living room. Cartman is answering the door.)
Cartman: (hears another knock) Okay! Okay! Hold your horses! God! (opens the door) Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! (sees another jakovasaur) Mom! It's another Stark's Pond creature!
Mrs. Cartman: (offscreen) That's nice, muffin!
Jakov: PLEASE HELP ME! (slips and falls on his face) WHU-WHU-WHOA! (stands up again) PLEASE HELP ME FIND JOON-JOON! SHE HAS BEEN GONE SINCE LIST NIGHT AND I'M WORRIED SCARED!
Cartman: You mean the other jakovasaur?
Jakov: WHAT MEANS A JAKOVASAUR?
Cartman: You're a jakovasaur! That's what they call you!
Jakov: OH! COOL NAME!
Cartman: But the other jakovasaur talked different!
Jakov: THAT'S 'CAUSE JOON-JOON'S A GIRL! GIRLS TALK DIFFERENTLY!
Cartman: Let's call my friends over! They're never gonna believe it!
Jakov: PLEASE TAKE ME TO JOON-JOON! WE'RE THE LAST OF OUR KIND! THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF US LEFT!
(Cut to Cartman's Bedroom. One hour later. All four boys are present.)
Cartman: He's the last of his kind, y'guys! There's only two of them left! (pause)
Kyle: Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Cartman: Will you stop with the whole mom-smoking-crack thing?! It's an old joke!
Jakov: (offscreen) ERIC! DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE COOKIES?
Stan: Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
Cartman: No! That was a jakovasaur! (calls to Jakov) It's okay to come in! (Jakov comes out of the closet)
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Jakov! I want you to meet friends!
Jakov: HI, YOU GUYS! I LOVE NEW FRIENDS! (trips and flies against the wall) WOOOH! BLRA, BLRA, BLRA!
Cartman: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Isn't he funny?
Stan: No, he's annoying!
Kyle: What're we supposed to with him?
Cartman: We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend!
Stan: Why don't we just tell our parents?
Cartman: No! Adults won't understand! We have to do this ourselves!
(Cut to Rancher's Barn)
Stan: (Opens the door and lets Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Jakov in) Shh! Keep quiet! We can get in big trouble for being here!
Jakov: (sees Joon-joon) JOON-JOON! (excitedly)
Stan: Shh! Keep quiet, stupid!
Jakov: OH, JOON-JOON! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OKAY!
Kyle: Dude! Have you ever heard of whispering?
Jakov: I AM WHISPERING! (steps on a rake and THWAK) YYAAAHW!
Cartman: Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha! You're so funny, Jakov!
Jakov: I AM?!
Stan: Ok, uh Jakov, why don't you just take boonga here and go back to Stark's Pond?
Jakov: OH, I DON'T KNOW! THIS PLACE IS KINDA NICER THAN STARK'S POND!
(Rancher, Mayor, and three dept reps open the barn doors and discover the four kids)
Joon-joon: AAAW! WEESEN BIG DUDU NOW!
Jakov: UH OH!
(Cut to Jimbo and Ned's place. Ned is using the phone)
Receptionist: (on phone) Hello and welcome to Voice Box Express, your number one source of voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
Ned: (burp-talking) Yes!--Hello!--Um--I--lost --my--voice--box!
Receptionist: (on phone) 'scuse me?
Ned: (burp-talking) I--lost--my--voice--box!
(Pause)
Receptionist: (on phone) Excuse me?
Ned: (burp-talking) I--lost--my--voice--box! (hangs up)
Jimbo: (enters) Hey, Ned! Look what I bought you! (Ned tries to grab it as Jimbo holds him back) A new voice box! Ya wannit?! Ya wannit?! Yeah, Ned! Yeah! Ya wannit?! Alright! Here ya go! (give Ned the new voice box) Well, try it out!
Ned: (Using the new voice box. Sounds Irish) Mmmm...Ah, Jimbo! I can't thank ya enough for the new voice box! Mmmm...Now, what in the devil is this, thing!
Jimbo: Ah, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake!
Ned: (Irish) Nngaw! What a bloody pickle this is! Did ya keep the receipt, then?
(A man enters wearing a baseball cap saying "Hang Loose")
Hang Loose: You guys! Come quick! I've only just heard!
Jimbo: What?! What is it?!
Hang Loose: They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur!
Ned: (Irish) Nnngg...Blimey!
(Cut to Meeting Centre. There is a meeting going on. Everybody is attending and the mayor, the three dept reps, and the two jakovasaurs are on stage)
Mayor: Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is department of interior guy!
Dept Rep #1: Thank you, Mayor! The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction! And now, you as a community have a chance to bring them back!
(The four boys are backstage and Cartman is practicing a speech)
Cartman: (Reading) Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor!
Kyle: What're you doing, fatass?!
Cartman: I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congradulate on me on my discovery! (Reads again) Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor!
(Back on stage)
Dept Rep #1: Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But, with the help of the mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed! We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.
Audience: (Cheering) Yay for Hope!
Jakov: THANK YOU!
Mayor: And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman. (Cartman gets on stage and stands at the podium)
Cartman: Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction! Ahem!
Man with a ponytail: Well, that's about it! Let's go! (leaves)
Many with parted hair: Yep! (leaves)
(Everyone else leaves)
Cartman: Ya know, there's really only two season here in South Park. Winter and July. He, he, he! But...But I'm seriously! South Park has always been a place of discovery for me. (discovers the empty house) Hey! You sons of bitches! Get back hnya! I'm having a goddam distinctive honor!
(Cut to A newly built house with a banner reading "WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME! HOPE AND JAKOV". Inside.)
Jakov: WOW! IT'S SO PRETTY!
Dept Rep #1: Well, Jakov, we hope this new home inspires you and Hope to uh... hm you know! (pause)
Jakov: WHAT?
Dept Rep #2: Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so maybe you two should uh... (pause)
Jakov: WHAT?
Dept Rep #3: ...get to some business! (makes suggesting gestures with his hands)
Jakov: WHAT?
Kyle: THEY WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX, GODDAMMIT!
Jakov: OH!
Mayor: We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone! (they all exit except for Jakov and Joon-joon)
Jakov: ALRIGHT, THEN! (the door closes. the jakovasaurs just stand there and look at each other)
(Cut to outside. A period of silence)
Jakov: (from inside) EWHEEEWE! (smash! crash!) WHUP! WHOAH!
Joon-joon: (from inside) GOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOP! (smash! crash!)
Jakov: WOO! WOO! WOO! (he and Joon-joon exit the house)
Joon-joon: MESA JUS DOWONAH!
Jakov: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Dept Rep #1: Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is...well, you know...put your...(show closup of Jakov's abdomen. Jakovasaurs obviously have no genetilia whatsoever.) Hmmmm! I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate!
Dept Rep #2: There is another option!
(Cut to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch)
Mephesto: I've manage to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen!
Jakov: I HAVE SEAMEN?! WHERE'S THE BOAT?! ARRR-HOOOT! ARRR-HOOOT!
Cartman: Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Mephesto: Yes! Yes that's very funny, Jakov! I will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked! (takes a blood sample from Joon-joon)
Joon-joon: GOOOO-WOOOOOOOP!
Jakov: ARRR-HOOOT!
Joon-joon: GOOOO-WOOOOOOOP!
Jakov: ARRR-HOOOT!
Kyle: Goddam! Shut up! (while Stan is covering his ears)
Mephesto: (looking in a microscope) Yes! Yes! I think it worked! They're going to be parents!
Dept Rep #3: Yeah!
Dept Rep #2: We did it!
Jakov: NOW I CAN BE LIKE ALL THE OTHER DADS IN SOUTH PARK!
Stan: Dude, do we really want another one of these things hangin around?
(Cut to Kyle's house. Jakov is watching football with Chef, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, and Stuart McKormick)
Sports Anouncer: And Bobby Tister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trigger he uses here! Here's the snap! And he's...
Jakov: THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO WATCH THE GAME, GUYS!
Randy: No problem, Jakov!
Sports Anouncer: To the fourty yard line!
Men: Yaay!
Jakov: GO NINERS! NIIINERS!
Gerald: We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!
Jakov: OOP!
Sports Anouncer: To Turald Davis! He's at the fifty! The fourty! The thirty!
Jakov: YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT?! THERE'S ONE TIME! I WAS WATCHING THIS RABBIT! UH, A RA-RABIT!
Sports Anouncer: He breaks another tackle and the Broncos...
Jakov: YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT...HAPPENED?! IT TOOK DOOKIE-RED-RADAPIE!
Randy: Hey, Jakov! Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more pretzles?
Jakov: SURE! YOU GOT MONEY?!
Gerald: (giving Jakov money) Here...here you go! And...and don't go to the store down the block! The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzles!
Jakov: COOL BEAN! (trips over the TV cord and breaks the TV) WHOOPSIE! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK! (exits and closes the door)
Mr. Makey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off! Mkay?!
Men: Yep!
(Cut to the jakovasaurs' house. Joon-joon is pregnant and lying on the couch)
Dept Rep #1: Amazing! The justation period was only four days!
Dept Rep #2: At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years!
Joon-joon: GOO-WOP!
Dept Rep #1: Don't worry, Hope! Everything's gonna be fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #3: Just fine!
Dept Rep #2: Fine!
Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby!
Cartman: If Jakov and hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct!
Kyle: Maybe the baby will be stale-born like Cartman was!
Stan and Kyle: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Cartman: Hey! I might've been stale-born, but at least I got better!
Dept Rep #2: Here we go!
Joon-joon: GOOOO-WOOP!
Sheila: Behold! The miracle of child-birth!
Joon-joon: GO-WOP! (splats goop all over everyody)
Kyle: Gross!
Joon-joon: GO-WOP! (Shoots a baby against the wall)
Baby #1: GOO-GOO!
Everyone: Hooray!
Dept Rep #3: This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction!
Baby #1: GNAK! GNAK! GNAK! GNAK!
Joon-joon: GO-WOOOP! GO-WOOOP!
Dept Rep #2: Looks like there maybe a second one!
Dept Rep #2: Wow! That would be a great start for them!
(Joon-joon shoots another baby)
Baby #2: GNAK! HNNN!
Everyone: Hooray!
(Joon-joon shoots another baby)
Baby #3: HNNN!
(Joon-joon shoots babys at the grown ups!)
Babies: HNNN! HNNN! HNNK! HNNK!
Kyle: Ah!
Mayor: (ducking with the rest of the grown-ups) She's a cannon!
(Joon-joon has given birth to seventeen babies acording to what Parker and Stone shows us on screen so far!)
Dept Rep #1: Well, apparently they breed in litters!
Cartman: (Holding a baby) Aren't they cute, y'guys?
Stan: Dude, I'm not so sure if this is a good thing!
Joon-joon: GOO-WOP! (Shoots some more babies at Dept Rep #1)
Dept Rep #1: Aah! Whoa! (Joon-joon continues to shoot more babys into the transition)
(Cut to School)
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children! We have some new students joining us today! Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class! (view of students. half of them are those young jakovasaurs)
Stan: Dude, it's crowded in here!
Boy Jakovasaur #1: I LIKE SCHOOL!
Girl Jakovasaur #1: GOO-WOP!
Mr. Garrison: Okay! So we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with histor! Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? (Boy Jakovasaur #2 raises his hand) Yes!
Boy Jakovasaur #2: I DON'T KNOW!
Girl Jakovasaur #2: GOO-WOP!
Mr. Garrison: Okay! Is there anybody who can answer the question?
Boy Jakovasaur #3: I CAN'T!
Boy Jakovasaur #4: ME NEITHER!
Mr. Garrison: Dammit! Ya don't raise your hand if you don't know!
Boy Jakovasaur #2: OH!
Girl Jakovasaur #1: GOO-WOP!
Girl Jakovasaur #3: GOO-WOP!
Boy Jakovasaur #5: OOH! FIGHT! FIGHT!
(Two jakovasaur children bang their heads together.)
Boy Jakovasaur #6: (sings) SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL!
All Boy Jakovasaurs: (sing) SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL!
All Girl Jakovasaurs: GOO-WOOOOP! GOO-WOOOOP! GOO-WOOOOP! GOO-WOOOOP!
Kyle: Dude! This sucks ass!
Cartman: I like going to school now! Jakovasaurs are so cool!
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) This is insane, Mr. Garrison! (as himself) It sure is, Mr. Hat!
(Cut to Bar)
Mayor: Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I wanna hear you all out!
Mr. Garrison: Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom! I can't teach our kids anything!
Everyone: Yeah!
Chef: And those jakovasaurs eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!
Everyone: Yeah! (Mumbles)
Garbage Man: And they're creating more trash than we can handle too!
Everyone: Yeah! (Mumbles)
Michael Landon Lookalike: And what about little Laura! The Williams' kid! If she doesn't get that heart valve operation, she could die! (Silence) Yeah! Yeah! That's right!
Mayor: Alright, alright! It's obvious be have to do something, but we can't just make them leave!
Jimbo: We just encourage them to find some place better!
Mayor: But where?! Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid! Where would they fit in?
(Cut to Jakovasaurs' house)
Jakov: MEMPHIS?
Mayor: Yes! Memphis! You jakovasaurs would love it there!
Jakov: I DON'T KNOW! I LIKE SOUTH PARK A LOT! WHA'DO YOU THINK, HONEY?!
Joon-joon: GOO-WOP!
Jakov: YEAH!
Mayor: But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis! Right?
A Few People: Yeah! I'd love to go to Memphis!
Jakov: OKAY! WE'LL MOVE TO MEMPHIS!
Everyone: Hooray!
(The four kids and Mrs. Cartman enter)
Cartman: Hey, Jakov! How's it going?
Jakov: GREAT, ERIC! WE'RE MOVING!
Cartman: Huh, moving!?
Jakov: ME AND MY FAMILY ARE HEADING TO THE PROMISED LAND OF MEMPHIS!
Cartman: You can't leave! You're my friends!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Eric dear! It's what's best!
Jimbo: Yeah! Let's get that luggage packed!
Cartman: Jakov! Please don't go! You make everything in South Park fun! You brought life to this whole town! It would suck without you!
Jakov: IT WOULD?!
Cartman: Yes! These people, Jakov! These people need you! I need you! Please, Jakov! Stay!
Jakov: OKAY! I LIKE SOUTH PARK BEST OF ALL! WE'RE STAYING!
Cartman: Hooray! Jakov is staying, y'guys! (everyone angrily stares and leaves. Cut to outside)
Mayor: Now what do we do?
Dept Rep #1: Don't worry! We've come up with a plan!
Mayor: You have?
Dept Rep #1: Yes! We're leaving!
Everyone: What?!
Dept Rep #1: We're getting the hell out of here and away from those goddam things! (the three dept reps head for their van)
Mayor: You can't leave!
Cartman: Yes! Who would take care of them?
Dept Rep #2: Little boy, we're making you an Honorary Department of Interior Person, so now you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife! You have authority over all of them!
Cartman: I have authoritah?!
Dept Rep #2: That's right! And people must respect it!
Cartman: Well, that should be fine! Just fine!
Dept Rep #2: Fine! Just fine!
Cartman: Fine!
Stan: Aww, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!
Dept Rep #2: Bye-bye, now! (The three reps drive away in their van.)
(Cut to Jakovasaur's house where everything is like a sit-com now)
Comedy Central Announcer: And now, back to Jakovasaurs on Comedy Central! (The word "Jakovasaurs" is showing with a jakovasaur head above it. the sit-com's logo. Jakov comes home from work.)
Jakov: HI, HONEY! I'M HOME! (trips over the welcome map) WH-WHOW! (laugh track. Jakov get up) BOY, IT WAS ROUGH AT WORK TODAY! I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH COFFEE!
Joon-joon: GOO-WOP!
Jakov: NO! IN THE BOSS'S LIP! (Laugh track)
Green Boy Jakovasaur: HELLO, DAD!
Jakov: HELLO, SON! HOW WAS YOUR DAY?!
Green Boy Jakovasaur: OH, NOT SO GOOD! SOMETHING REALLY STRANGE HAPPENED!
Jakov: WHAT?! YOU MEAN MTV PLAYED A VIDEO THAT WASN'T WILL SMITH? (Laugh track)
Green Boy Jakovasaur: NO, DAD! A MAN IN A BLUE SUIT AND AN BAG CAME TO THE DOOR! (has a letter) HE JUST LEFT THIS STILL PIECE OF PAPER WITH A STAMP ON IT!
Jakov: THAT'S CALLED A MAILMAN! HE TAKES CARE OF MAIL!
Green Boy Jakovasaur: OH! HE TOOK CARE OF MOM TOO! (Laugh track)
Jakov: YOU'RE A NUT! LET ME SEE THAT LETTER! (takes the letter and opens it) IT'S FROM A GAMESHOW! THE MAYOR HAS INVITED ME TO COMPETE!
(Cartman enters)
Cartman: Hi, Jakov! (Applause track) What the hell is that? (Small Laugh track) Who's laughing?
Jakov: ERIC! THE MAYOR HAS INVITED US TO COMPETE ON A GAMESHOW IN SOUTH PARK! FIRST PRIZE IS AN ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION!
Cartman: Wow! That's cool! I can help you get ready!
Jakov: (trips) WH-WHOAH! (Laugh and Applause track)
(Cut to City Hall. The Hall staff, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are all waiting for the phone call from Jakov.)
Mayor: C'mon! C'mon! (The phone rings. She answers) Hello!
Jakov: (cut to Jakovasaurs' house) MAYOR! THIS IS JAKOV! I'M THE TALL FELLOW DOWN THE BLOCK!
Mayor: (cut to City Hall) Yes, yes, Jakov! You're calling about the gameshow! Congratualations! Will you do it?!
Jakov: (cut to Jakovasaurs' house) SURE! IF A FREE TRIP IS INVOLVED! CAN MY WHOLE FAMILY GO?!
Mayor: (cut to City Hall) Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building and good luck! Hope you win!
Jakov: (on phone) COOL! WEEE! (Mayor hangs up!)
Mayor: We got him! Alright! The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted! Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?!
Everybody: FRANK!
(Cut to South Park Public Access. Gameshow is set up hosted by the Mayor)
(in the audience)
Jakovasaurs: GOO-WOP! GOO-WOP!
Jimbo: Hey, Ned! A package came to you today from Voice Box Express! (gives Ned a package)
Ned: (burp-talking) Oh!--Boy!--Oh!--Boy!
(on the stage. Jakov seems to be competing with Officer Barbrady.)
Mayor: (to Barbrady) Now remember, Barbrady! All ya have to do is loose!
Barbrady: Right!
Mayor: (to the audience) Okay, let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France!
Jakovasaurs: GOO-WOP!
Mayor: And, all one of you lucky contestants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?!
Barbrady: Ready!
Jakov: READY!
Mayor: Okay! Hands on your buzzers!
Jakov: (buzzes in) FOURTY-SEVEN!
Jakovasaurs: GOO-WOP!
Mayor: You have to wait until I ask the question first!
Jakov: SORRY!
Mayor: That's okay! Hands on buzzers!
Jakov: (buzzes in) TURKEY SANDWICH!
Barbrady: Damn! He's quick!
Jakov: (buzzes in) OH, SORRY!
Barbrady: (buzzes in) I'm sorry!
Jakov: (buzzes in) NO! IT'S MY FAULT!
Barbrady: (buzzes in) No! It's all me! My bad!
Jakov: (buzzes in) SORRY!
Barbrady: (buzzes in) Sorry!
(Jakov and Barbrady keep playing with the buzzers)
Mayor: Will somebody please unplug the goddam buzzers!
(The buzzers turn off)
Tech Man: (offscreen) Got it!
Mayor: Now, can we get on with this?! First Question, what color is blue? (Drum roll)
Barbrady: Blue? (ding)
Mayor: What?!
Barbrady: Blue is blue?
Jakov: AWW! DID I LOOSE?
Mayor: What? Loose? No, no! Hang on! (to Barbrady) You're supposed to loose, you idiot!
Barbrady: Where am I?
Mayor: Just don't answer anymore questions! Got it?!
Barbrady: Okee Dokee!
Mayor: (to the audience) Sorry, folks! A little mix up! We're playing best out of three!
(Cut to Woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman.)
Cartman: What're we doing out here y'guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that gameshow!
Stan: Oh, he'll win! Don't worry!
Kyle: We just have to show you this new species, because you're the department of interior guy, now! Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears!
Cartman: Ah! Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species! (takes out notepad and writes) Ah! That should be fine! Just fine! Just fine! Fine!
Stan: There it is! (points to Kenny set up out in the wilderness with branch antlers tied to his head) That must be of the antelope family!
Cartman: That's Kenny with branches on his head! Why did you bring me all the way out here, y'guys?
Stan: Sigh! Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck! You have to understand that!
Cartman: What does that have to do with me being all the way out... Wait a minute! You're distracting me! That gameshow is a fix! (leaves)
Kyle: Cartman, wait! (he and Stan leave)
Kenny: {Hey, guys! What about me?!} (gets eaten by a bear)
(Cut to Public Access. Gameshow setup. Score; Barbrady 7, Jakov 0)
Mayor: What's two plus two, Jakov? (drum roll)
Jakov: I DON'T KNOW!
Barbrady: Four? (ding)
Mayor: Jakov, what is your name? (drum roll)
Barbrady: Jakov! (ding)
Mayor: Oh, screw it! Jakov wins!
Jakov: I DO?!
(little jakovasaurs cheer as music plays)
Mayor: You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!
Jakov: HOORAY!
Mayor: Alright, everybody! Let's get them to the airport! (everybody leaves carrying a jakovasaur) Let's go people! (two people come to carry Jakov out) There's no time to loose!
(Cut to Airport)
Jakov: BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR CLOTHES?! SHOULDN'T WE PACK FIRST?!
Randy: Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov!
Jakov: OH, YEAH! WELL, GOODBYE EVERYBODY! WE'LL SEND STUFF FROM FRANCE!
Everyone: Goodbye!
Jakov: (Bumps into doorway) WHURW! (a few chuckles from a few people. The jakovasaurs are aboard the plane)
(Cartman runs into the scene)
Cartman: Jakov!
Jimbo: Close the doors! (a flight attendant closes the airplane door before Cartman can enter)
Cartman: Open this door!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, this is for the best!
Cartman: I am department of interior guy and I have authoritah! (airplane leaves) Noo! Jakov! Don't go!
Jakov: (from inside the plane) HI, ERIC! I CAN'T FIND IT! (airplane takes off)
Cartman: Come back! (airplane disappears)
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, it's important for you to understand!
Cartman: No, mother! Just don't!
Mayor: I know it's hard, Eric! But I've learned something today! You see, animal species come and go! It's all a part of natural evolution!
Jimbo: The jackovasaurs would've gone extinct if we hadn't interfered, becasue their particular form of life simply wasn't practical!
Ned: (sounding perfect as if he never lost his voice; see Episode 206 - Mexican Staring Frog of Sri Lanka) We can't go around saving every form of life anymore than we can kill them all! We have to let nature run its course!
Jimbo: Hn! Ned, that voice box sucks!
Ned: (perfect) I know! I'm still trying to find my old one!
Mayor: Well then, let's say we all go get some ice cream!
Everyone: (Except Cartman) Hooray!
Cartman: No! That's okay! I'll see y'guys! (leaves)
Kyle: Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something!
Stan: Yeah! I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is!
(Cut to France)
Waitor: Bonjour!
Lady: Bonjour!
Waitor: Cafe?
Lady: Oui!
(a bus drives up and out comes the jakovasaurs)
Jakov: C'MON, KIDS! LET'S GO FIND THE PYRAMIDS! (crashes into a table) WOO! WHOA!
French People: He, he, he, ha, ha!
Frenchman #1: Come si fer ils monde! (translation; That was so funny!)
Franchman #2: Oui!
Man Playing an Accordian: Onde si un si unde si! (translation; I love its antics!)
Lady: Il I jusi de jeri le ouis (translation; He's jsut like Jerry Lewis)
(Everybody continues to laugh. Closing Credits.)
(After the credits, when that big airplane is flying across the screen reading "BRANIFF! BELIEVE IT!)
Male Jakovasaurs: ARRR-HOOOT!
Female Jakovasaurs: GOO-WOOOP!