[waiting room of eye doctor's office]
Cartman: Mom, please can we just leave?
Ms. Cartman: You have to see the eye doctor Eric
Cartman: But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me for being fat
Ms. Cartman: You're not fat, you're big boned
Cartman: That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason
Doctors assistant: Eric Cartman
[he gets up and goes inside]
Cartman: Weak

[eye doctor's office]
Eye doctor: Hello Eric
Cartman: Hi Dr. Lout
Eye doctor: How's my little piggy today
Cartman: Ay! Don't call me a little piggy!
Eye doctor: I just say that because you're my little buddy
Cartman: I'm just here for an eye exam, alright! Keep the fat jokes to yourself
Eye doctor: Hop up on the chair [Cartman gets in the chair] Don't break it now!
Cartman: God damn it!
Eye doctor: Just kidding! [lowers something that looks like a viewmaster over Cartman's eyes] Let's see
how your eyes are doing. All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Cartman: Yes
Eye doctor: Alright, read them out for me
Cartman: I am a little piggy
[shows an eye chart that says "I AM A LITTLE PIG E"]
Cartman: Ay! [eye doctor laughs] That does it! Mom! [gets up]
Eye doctor: No no. That was just a weird coincidence. I do not know how that happened. [takes the card
out and reads it] I am a little piggy. Wow! What are the odds of that? [throws it away] Alright, let's get
down to business, shall we?
Cartman: Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian
[he puts the instrument used to examine eyes back on Cartman's eyes and looks into it]
Eye doctor: Hmm, let's see, which is better 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
Cartman: They look the exactly same
Eye doctor: Just pick one. Or two?
Cartman: I don't know! Two
Eye doctor: Okay. One or two? One or two?
[flips between two women]
Cartman: Uh, one
Eye doctor: One or two? One or two?
[flips between an apple and a cake]
Cartman: Two
Eye doctor: No! The answer is one piggy! One! [hits the instrument]
Cartman: Ow! I hate you!
[eye doctor takes the thingy off Cartman's eyes]
Eye doctor: Yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run
some tests

[cafeteria]
Kyle: I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today
Stan: Yeah, usually when he ditches school he still shows up for lunch
Kenny: {Maybe he's having sex with his mom} (?)
[they laugh]
Kyle: Yeah. Oh here he comes
[Cartman enters]
[his pupils are much bigger than usual]
Cartman: Hey dudes
[Stan and Kyle blink]
Stan: Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
Cartman: My asshole eye doctor made them all dial-vated
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Why?! I'll tell you why! Because he's a goddam asshole, and that's about it
Stan: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Cartman: Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and
I don't know what I'm gonna do
Kyle: Dude! Just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go into the kitchen]
Cartman: Hey, yeah!
[Cartman walks into a wall and falls]
Cartman: Ow!

[kitchen]
[Chef isn't there but a skinny white guy is]
Kids: Hey Chef!
Mr. Dirp: Hello there children
[Cartman rubs his eyes]
Cartman: Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up. Chef looks like a skinny little white guy
Mr. Dirp: It's time for lunch-e-roo
Kyle: Where's Chef?
Mr. Dirp: Chef quit
Kids: What?!
Mr. Dirp: Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Dirp. [triumphant riff]
Kyle: Mr. Dirp?
Mr. Dirp: When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. If you like Chef,
you're gonna love Mr. Dirp. [triumphant riff] [hits himself with a hammer] Oooh! Dirp! [he falls down]
[gets back up] Dirp! Oh wasn't that silly kids? [he laughs]
[blank stares]
Stan: Why did Chef quit?
Mr. Dirp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone. [he takes out a little cannon
and shoots himself with it] Oh, I don't feel so good. [he laughs] Dirp!
[blank stares]
Stan: Could you just hand us some food please?
Mr. Dirp: Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff. Dirp!
Cartman: Can I have yellow with a side of white?

[cafeteria]
Kyle: Dude! I hate Mr. Dirp!
Stan: Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back
Cartman: I don't know you guys, that hammer thing was pretty funny
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

[Chef's house]
[Cartman bumps into the door]
Cartman: Ow!
[Chef comes out with a towel around his waist]
Chef: Oh! Hello there children
Stan: Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to death at lunch today
Chef: Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit
Kyle: Yeah, but we didn't believe them
Chef: Well, it's true
Stan: But why? Why would you quit?
Chef: Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books on kama sutra when I met
the most amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking. We
eventually came back to my place and really hit it off
Stan: So you made sweet love to her down by the fire
Chef: No no, we just sat there all night long and [slowly] talked
Stan: Talked?!
Chef: Yes. She told me all about the powers of goddess (?), and how men have been oppressing women
for years and viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that myself
[Veronica comes out]
Veronica: Oh! What darling little children
Chef: Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica
Stan [unenthused]: That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see... Girlfriend?!
Chef: Children, Veronica is moving in with me
Kyle: Moving in?!
Chef: I'm in love
Kids: Love?!
Veronica: Oh, you knight (?) [she hugs Chef]
Stan: What the hell is going on?
Chef: Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me
Veronica [snotty]: Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you
Kyle: But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes
it better
Chef: Well, I could still do that, children. In fact, Veronica could help me. She's a great singer too
Veronica: What's the problem?
Cartman: My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South Park is really really mean
Veronica: Oh, I know just the song for you
[she takes out a guitar]
Veronica [singing]: There's got to be a morning after, if we can hold on to the night
[the kids look shocked]
[Kenny pulls his hood tight]
Chef [singing, but like a opera guy]: We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Chef and Veronica [singing out of sync]: Let's keep on looking for the light
Kyle: This-- is insane!

[near the bus stop]
Kyle: That bitch!
Stan: She's stealing Chef from us
Kyle: He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man
Cartman: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bitch she is
Stan: Wait you guys. Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now
he's paying attention to somebody new
[silence]
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch
Cartman: Bitch! I hate that bitch!
Kyle: Look, we just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around
Stan: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow
Kyle: Good idea

[eye doctor's office]
[Cartman's eyes are back to normal]
Eye doctor: Alright, we got the test results back piggy
Cartman: Stop calling me piggy!
Eye doctor: You've got a small stigmatism that's causing all the problems
Cartman: So what does that mean?
Eye doctor: It means piggy, that your eye sight is never going to get better
Cartman: [breath] Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be totally seriously, okay. If you call me piggy one more
time, I'm gonna leap of this chair and rip your goddam nuts off with my bare hands!
Eye doctor: Well, don't worry, I've got something that's gonna make your eyes as good as new
[he puts a pair of really big glasses on Cartman]
Cartman: Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing these, the guys would totally rip on me
Eye doctor: I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses
Cartman: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!
Eye doctor: That's why we have the little stapler
[he takes out a stapler and staples Cartman's glasses to his head]
Cartman: Ow! Sonofabitch!

[street in South Park]
Kyle: They said that Chef works in one of these buildings
[they walk up to a building that says "Steinburg & Burgstein accounting"]
[Cartman walks up]
Cartman: Hey dudes
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny stare at him]
[the three laugh]
Cartman [mockingly]: Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
Kyle: Dude! Just take them off!
Cartman: I can't! They're stapled to my head!
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny stare at him]
[the three laugh]
Cartman [under his breath]: I hate you guys

[inside]
Receptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein, can I help you?
Stan: We wanna talk to Chef
Receptionist: Chef?
Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard
Stan: And a chef hat
Kenny: {And a real huge dick}
Receptionist: Oh! The black guy!
Stan: Huh?
Receptionist: Third cubicle on the left
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out]
Receptionist: Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Cartman [sarcastically]: Yeah, sure, sure
Receptionist: Wow! You really got fat
Cartman: Ay!

[at Chef's cubicle]
Chef: Hello there children
Kids: Hey Chef
Chef: Eric, you got glasses
Stan: Chef, you have to dump the bitch
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: We need you, Chef
[a guy pops out from behind the partition]
Man: Hey Chef, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our
pagers, you wanna come?
Chef: You bet!
Kyle: Chef, this place isn't you!
Chef: Children, Veronica showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for
twenty or thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old
Stan: But we don't like her
Chef: Why not?!
Stan: I don't know. No reason I guess
Chef: Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you would have to face with each
other some day
Kyle: No way, dude!
Cartman: Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses
Chef: That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery, that's what I did
Cartman: Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!
Chef: You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you boys after work and we can play
ball?
Kids: Okay!

[bus stop]
Kyle: Chef should be here any minute
[silence]
[nighttime]
[still standing there]
[rats are all over Kenny's body]
[daytime again]
Stan [pissed]: Dude! He bailed on us!
Kyle [pissed]: I can't believe it!
Stan [pissed]: Come on! We're going to his house!

[Chef's house]
[knock on the door]
[Chef answers it]
Chef: Oh! Hello there children
Kyle [pissed]: Alright, mister! You better have a good explanation why you didn't show up to play ball!
Chef: Oh children, I'm sorry. I forgot
Stan [pissed]: You forgot?!
Chef: Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. She's so amazing
Kyle: Well, we got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef!
[she comes out]
Veronica: Hello children!
Cartman: Mam, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind
Chef: Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica and I are getting married
[dramatic music]
[the kids look shocked]
Stan: Oh no! No no no no no!
Chef: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you boys to come too
Veronica: This is so wonderful! Let's sing!
[she takes out a guitar]
Veronica [singing]: There's got to be a morning after
Chef [singing but like a opera guy]: If we can hold on to the night. [kids look shocked] We have a chance
to find the sunshine.

[Cut to commercial]

[Mr. Garrison's class]
Mr. Garrison: And that children, is what you need to know about the facts of life. [pause] So let's review.
[writes something on the board] Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got
husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant.
[bell rings]
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes
[all but Mr. Garrison and the scamps leave]
[they walk up to Mr. Garrison]
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
Mr. Garrison: Sure
Stan: Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but we can't this time
Mr. Garrison: Well children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice just as valuable as
Chef's, if not more so
Kyle: Alright. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend, who had a new girlfriend, and then stopped
being your friend, and it pissed you off
Mr. Garrison: Oh, the old Succubus syndrome
Stan: What's a Succubus?
Mr. Garrison: A Succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man
Kyle: That's it!
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, there's not much you can do about a Succubus. Their evil power makes man blind to
love.
Kyle: This is totally what's happening!
Stan: Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill, poontang's (?) expensive. That's why when it comes
to chicks, I just screw them and leave them. I'd say "get out of my bedroom, poontang (?), before you
suck my life dry!"
Kyle: Thank's Mr. Garrison
Mr. Garrison: Sure kids
[kids leave]
Mr. Hat: You're not fooling anyone
Mr. Garrison: Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!

[street in South Park]
Kyle: Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a Succubus
Stan: Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him
[Ms. Cartman drives up]
Ms. Cartman: There you are Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye doctor
Cartman: Oh no!
Ms. Cartman: Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?
Cartman: Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow
Ms. Cartman: Now hon
Cartman [whining]: But mom! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a Succubus!

[Chef's house]
[Stan rings the doorbell]
[Chef's dad answers]
Chef's dad: Hello there children
Stan: Who are you?
Chef's dad: I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding
Kyle: Oh hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him
Chef's dad: Well, come on in
[they go inside]
[a tailor is making a suit for Chef]
Kyle: There he is
Stan: Chef, we have to talk to you
Chef: Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my britches. Be right back [he leaves]
[the kids look sad]
[they sit on a couch]
[them and Chef's parents stare for a little]
Chef's dad: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as a dickens?
Stan: You're Chef's parents?
Chef's mom: Yes, all his life
Kyle: We have to talk to him
Chef's dad: Well he should be out now directly
Chef's mom: Oh he's so excited about the wedding now
Chef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: No, that's okay
Chef's dad: Ooh! It must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this
boat you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the
paleolithic era, comes out of the water
Chef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on
earth is that creature?!"
Chef's dad: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's mom: Oh it was so scary!
Chef's dad: And I yelled, I said "What do you want from us monster?!" And the monster bent down and
said "I need about treefiddy"
[silence]
Kyle: What's treefiddy?
Chef's dad: Three dollars and fifty cents
Chef's mom: Treefiddy
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's dad: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no treefiddy you goddam Loch Ness monster! Get your
own goddam money!"
Chef's mom: I gave him a dollar
Chef's dad: She gave him a dollar
Chef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar
Chef's dad: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Ne! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got
more

[eye doctor's office]
[Cartman has a breathing mask on]
Eye doctor: Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right?
[two assistants laugh]
Cartman: Hey! You sonofabitch!
Eye doctor: Alright. Time to laser me a little piggy
[two assistants laugh]
Cartman: Ay! You sonofabitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the...
[eye doctor turns on a tank of gas and Cartman starts to stutter]
[he falls unconscious]
Eye doctor: I bet his mom wishes she could do that

[Chef's house]
Chef's dad: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was
July...
Chef's mom: August
Chef's dad: August, there's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout
Chef's mom: And she was so adorable with the little pig tails and all
Chef's dad: And she says to me "how would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind
do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things...
Chef's mom: Raisin oatmeal
Chef's dad: Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she
looks at me and she says "I need about treefiddy"
Chef's mom: Treefiddy
Chef's dad: Well it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was
a crustacean from the palezoic era
Chef's mom: The Loch Ness monster
Chef's dad: I said "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no treefiddy!" It said "how about
just toofiddy?" I said "Oh now it's only toofiddy?! What is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or
something?!"
Chef's mom: Now he was angry
Chef's dad: Damn right I was angry
Chef's mom: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass
Chef's dad: Shut your mouth, woman
Stan: Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here
Chef's dad: Sure. That crazy old monster
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sneak out]
Chef's dad: Now, then the fourth time I saw the...

[Cartman's room]
[Cartman is in bed with patches over his eyes]
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery. I have to wear these bandages for three
days
Stan: Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman
Cartman: Oh thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw. What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a
Succubus?
Stan: Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil she had him totally kept away from us
[Ms. Cartman enters]
Ms. Cartman: Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that alright?
Cartman: Okay
[Ms. Cartman leaves and Veronica enters]
Veronica: Hello boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie
Cartman: Ahh! It's a Succubus!
[all the kids are frightened]
[Kenny pulls his hood tight]
Veronica: Huh?
Stan: We know what you are, lady
Kyle: Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty Succubus
Veronica: A what?
Stan: A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men
Veronica: Boys! You know how silly that sounds, don't you?
Kyle: Well you are taking Chef from us
Veronica: Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown
man. He has needs you boys can't fulfil. He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you
understand?
Stan: I guess
Veronica: Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow. [she suddenly
turns into a evil creature with red eyes and her voice turns into a demon's] And there's not a goddam
thing you can do about it! [evil laugh]
[Stan and Kyle scream]
[Kenny pulls his hood tight]
[she goes back to normal]
Veronica: Toodle-oo!
[she leaves]
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are shaking]
Stan: Jesus dude!
Cartman: What? What happened?

[Cut to commercial]

[King Jimmy's Buffet]
Chef's dad: Could I have your attention please! Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful
lady. [starts to break down] I'm very happy for them both. Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna
cry, now
Chef: It's okay pop
Chef's mom: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now
Chef's dad: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a
big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said "poppa, poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, my
boy?", and he said "I need about treefiddy"
Chef's mom: Treefiddy
Chef's dad: It was about that time I got suspicious. I said "Chef, why do you need treefiddy?" He said "My
imaginary friend GooGoo the dinosaur
[fin]

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