Ideas spinning throughout my head
Thoughts of you stab me dead
To draw my own blood would be preferred
Rather than crying over something I heard
So I do cut and pine away
Emotions in my head discolered grey
I'm too screwed up to care anymore
Not wanting you to walk out the door
Fantacizing moonlight walks along the beach
This relationship has somehow become breached
For as I'm closing up my soul
You are out living life to the full
Speeding through the rapids on the raging river of life
Not feeling alive however, until I possess a knife
The tool I use to slash the hurt away
Makes the foggy nights clearer the next day
They say that by me helping myself
Indeed I am hurting everyone else
So standing here in my bliss
I can't begin to handle this
Try to get away, try to leave
Don't follow me, just let me be
Run 6,000 miles, trying to go, trying to hide
Not getting anywhere; it's chasing me from the inside
Fallen down, my soul is weary
Defeated again, I experience fury
Sitting ehre at the bottom of this idea called life
Clinging to, clutching, my security blanket, my knife
The very thing that they say I'll die from
Is the same that has helped me overcome
All the pain that this life brings
My internal being too dead to sing
Until it has been frantically awakened
With my knife, my soul is shaken
Reassured that I am alive
My anguish still kept inside
An invalid I seem to have become
Not functioning, dead, taken over, numb
No one here to remember for me
Just how wonderful I use to be
I wish you could somehow see
By viewing the world from within me
Step inside and use my eyes
To see how I see through the lies
Through all of my self destructive ways
I have found a way to preserve that which remains
So inject the gift of death into my vein
Thank-you for blessing me with this pain
I play with fire; you are the sun
Fire breathes into me life, dancing fun
I vow to make it to the sun beyond
When I destroy myself, I will shine on
If there is a candle, you supply the flame
Playing with my heart is just a game
So let me dive head first into the fire
Until it consumes me with desire
Relief flowing outside, pain bubbling within
Moist refreshing beveridge from beneath my skin
Sadly still not hitting the spot
I miss the one I love a lot
Fountain gushing, emotions colored red
I've let you get inside my head
Scared now, struggling for control
Living life to the max, the full
Steadfast, set standing on gelatin
Confident, safe, sinking in quicksand
Can you see the rope trying to set me free
Inches from my grasp, teasing, taunting me
Not knowing the war I'm fighting inside
Becoming perfect at the game called hide
But I'll never let you come and seek
Maybe though, you'll steal a peek
Gravity claims the blood cause it flows
Trickles on down the crimson rose
Until the flower opens and blooms in full
The blood seeps through leaving it lifeless, dull
As the flower wilts, I die
As the clown laughs, I cry
When everything that matters is gone
That's when I feel I can shine on
It's so hard to accept love from everyone else
When no one taught me to love myself
And I don't comprehend that it's ok to cry
It seems to me a new concept, a lie
I mean come on, crying just don't look right
How everything is supposed to be day and night
So silently I do what I may
No one has to know unless I say
It's the only red I know that turns to white
The only wrong I have justified as right
As everyone has a mate
You too can choose your fate
I'm really lying, protecting myself when I say
How I wish you would go away
The fact in this life I've realized true
Is that I really do love you
January 21, 2000
Rebecca Bay