Here it is. Long awaited, long anticipated, pretty damn long, and more hyped than The Blair Witch Project, I have taken on the daunting task once again: summing up an entire year. A year which, without a doubt, is the most recent of the millennium. So, with 12 months of news to cover, we'd better start now. Well, actually, we should have started 12 months ago. But that would just be anal. (Speaking of anal, President Clinton, would that count as sexual relations?)

 Politics

Once again, politicians all over the United States flocked to Iowa in the hope of becoming a presidential frontrunner for their respective (note I do not say respected) parties. This year, in Ames, Iowa, a large straw poll was held, drawing everyone from Republican front-runners governor George W. Bush and publisher Steve Forbes to the less likely, such as Ricardo Ricardo Rinaldo (Bush's former cocaine dealer) and publishing magnate Hugh Hefner.

Shortly afterwards, Republicans Elizabeth Dole (heir to the Dole pineapple fortune and wife to Bob (short for Robot) Dole and Dan Quayle dropped out of the race, and, in Quayle's case, high school. "Liddy" Dole claimed that she was merely testing the waters at the straw poll, and when her litmus paper turned red to indicate a strong acid, she fled in terror. Quayle, however, quit upon the discovery that Gary Bauer's tent had Cheetos.

Alan Keyes, on the other hand, maintained his position in the race, namely token minority for the Republican party.

On the democratic side, however, Bill Bradley defeated his opponent Al Gore in the NBA Slam Dunk contest, guaranteeing him Gatorade's sponsorship and support as he slams his way to the presidency. After being named the Democrats' starting center (replacing long-dead Supreme Court Justice William Douglas), Bradley challenged Shaq, Charles Barkley, (or was it Dan and Dave?), and Godzilla to a game of one-on-one.

Furthermore, in a shocking move, the Circus of the Stars changed its name to the Reform Party, offering Americans a legitimate third-party at which they can laugh boisterously. Numerous stars attached themselves to the platform of the Reform Party, which consists of very sturdy cedar, on which they can crucify American political ideals. Among these stars included Warren Beatty, Cybill Shepherd, Brooke Shields, Jar-Jar Binks, Charlton Heston, Tony Danza, Gwyneth Paltrow's hair extensions, Bill Cosby, the late Andy Kaufman, and Shannon Tweed. At the announcement of Tweed's candidacy, Bill Clinton expressed his immediate support.

Speaking of support, Hillary Clinton strapped on her athletic supporter this year and joined the New York senatorial race. Rather than debate Rudolph Giuliani on pertinent issues, however, she simply ordered the executive sale of New York to Chinese campaign contributors and declared herself dictator.

Meanwhile, her husband was impeached on charges of obstruction of justice as well as bowel obstructions, since he refused to reveal all the lurid details of his encounter to horny, sweaty, doughy Republicans. The vote, much like Clinton's presidency, came up short. (ooh…stinging my own party. That's gotta hurt.)

Amazingly, Americans were able to read all the details of the Clinton-Lewinsky non-sexual relations in The Starr Report, a smutty romance novel by Danielle Steel.

 In other news…

Tragically, Jordan's King Hussein passed away this year, leaving Crown Prince Abdullah as the monarch. Thankfully, since George W. Bush doesn't know, I doubt you have to either. Furthermore, since his name was Hussein, Americans rejoiced, until President Clinton instructed "We liked this one."

There was some war thingy in Kosovo, which, when spelled backwards is Ovosok.

John F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife perished in a plane crash. Why is this news? Don't look at me. I'm not the one who bought George magazine!

Julie Nixon, David Eisenhower, and Jeb Bush perished in a plane crash. Oh well.

In Pakistan, the government was felled by a military coup d'etat. Pakistan spelled backwards is Natsikap.

Castro still wears the same outfit every day.

What in God's name is Harry Potter? Wasn't he the guy on M*A*S*H?

At Texas A&M, 38,000 acres of old growth forest and 11 students perished when Texas revealed its new form of capital punishment: crushing with sticks.

The Japanese invaded America for the first time since Pearl Harbor, with thousands of idiotic creatures entitled Poke-mon, which is Jamaican for "Righteous Ganja". The toy intends to cash in on the popularity of pastel colored blobs with children.

 The Movies

The nation was in shock following the Academy Awards, when the film Shakespeare in Drag, a frolicking love story explaining why Shakespeare wore frilly collars, defeated the Southern Baptist-acclaimed Saving Private Ryan, in which five soldiers save Private Ryan from participating in an ungodly homosexual experience. Another surprise winner at the Oscars was Italian Roberto Benigni, who won the "Actor who most reminds us of Mussolini" award. Benigni's behavior became the butt of jokes for celebrities all across America, proving once again that Hollywood is not all about pretentious behavior or contract negotiations. In fact, it's all about ridiculing foreigners.

Another big winner at the Oscars was the best actress of the year: Gwyneth Paltrow's hair extensions, once again proving that when offer the choice of talent vs. artificial hair, artificial hair must always prevail.

Other movies at the box office this summer included: American Pi, the story of four teen-age boys who seek to figure out the exact value of pi before prom night, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut, in which the title cleverly describes the audience of over-sexed men hoping to see all out pornography, and Knotting Hill, a romantic comedy about Hugh Grant as a scoutmaster teaching scouts how to tie knots while seducing whores.

Nonetheless, the biggest story of the cinema was the longest awaited sci-fi film of all time: Deep Blue Sea, starring Samuel L. Jackson and that guy from Good Will Hunting. A distant second was George Lucas' Magnum P.I. opus Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menaces at the Opera. Through the use of computer animation, Irish and scottish accents, and lots and lots of money, Lucas managed to hold the box office in check, however, when the box office moved its knight to rook 4, Star Wars fell to the projection room floor.

In conclusion, The Blair Witch Project sucks ass.

 Television

The quality of life in millions of American homes was improved dramatically as a result of the cancellation of Home Improvement. Once again, Americans may freely laugh on Tuesday nights without the destruction of valuable brain cells. Tim Allen, following the show's end, vowed to return to his origins: drug dealing. "More Power" to you, Mr. Allen…or should I say number 55321?

ABC found a new opiate for the masses with its prime time game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Contestants had to face a daunting task of answering 15 questions correctly, without giving thought to strangling Regis Philbin with his microphone wire. Other networks followed suit with their own game shows, including Fox's Greed, CBS' Watch "Murder She Wrote" for Money!, and the WB's Which One of the Wayans Brothers Wants $15?

Ally McBeal continued its success on Fox. In fact, the show has become so popular that cast member Calista Flockhart has received numerous movie offers, including the roles: Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream, Christine in Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her, and Skeletor in He-Man. Castmember Lucy Liu's body was cast in Charlie's Angels as well.

Through it all, Americans always had one thing they could count on from their televisions: no Jar-Jar Binks.

 Sports

For the second time in three years, Satan demonstrated his power over mankind, granting the New York Yankees their 25^th World Series victory. In addition to his ability to tempt the human race, Satan also wowed Yankee fans through his steady clean-up hitting and amazing ability to supply Darryl Strawberry's crack habit. Mark McGwire once again wowed fans, however, this time, it was his revelation that he, in fact, is a 900 lb. North American grizzly bear. Surprisingly enough, this, combined with his use of androestereosterone (or some steroid anyway) was not enough to get him kicked out of baseball. However, when he said in the clubhouse "I bet we win today," he was immediately booted out to join Pete Rose.

In the NFL, the Denver Broncos won their second consecutive Super Bowl, allowing John Elway to ride off into the sunset with a victory. Unfortunately, it seems that Elway rode off with their offense, and he is currently being indicted on rustling charges. Former Carolina Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth became a fugitive after being charged with the murder of his girlfriend, however, thankfully, ten seconds later, he was brought down by defender Deion Sanders, as he had been so many times before. Carruth awaits trial, and has become a prison favorite as a result of his still-existent problem with fumbling…the soap. Meanwhile, Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers began to lose. This became a heralded event by MENSA, since it left the insane or stupid of America with no reason to wear large wedges of cheese on their heads.

In tennis, Venus and Serena Williams made it a truly sisterly affair, intimidating opponents with their nappy hair. In men's tennis, rich white guys hit a ball back and forth, much to the delight of the even richer, whiter people who pretend to care.

The Dallas Stars won the Stanley Cup, but sadly, following the final game of the series, the Stars become Supernovas and exploded, killing the 84,000 on hand for the victory parade. Goaltender Dominik Hasek of the Buffalo Sabres announced that he would be retiring following the 1999-2000 season and promptly disappeared of the face of the earth. Mario Lemieux made a triumphant return to the rink as well, buying the Pittsburgh Penguins and preventing their bankruptcy. Unfortunately, however, it was too late to save Jaromir Jagr's hair…

With no Michael Jordan, people stopped watching basketball. It is expected that as a result, world peace may be achieved.

The United States women's soccer team won the women's World Cup. And if we hadn't won it, we wouldn't have had to watch it. Lose next time, ladies.

In polo, Christopher Reeve doesn't play anymore. Ralph Lauren does.

In figure skating, no one cares. (Give me a break. I can't have ALL new material.)

 True Crime

O.J. Simpson was recently acquitted of charges that he parked his Mercedes in a handicapped spot. When prosecutors requested that he get behind the wheel of his Mercedes, it was clearly shown that he did not fit behind the wheel, since the seat had been pulled up. "If O.J. can't sit in the seat worth s***, you must acquit," in the words of Johnny Cochran.

Kenny G released a holiday album, equally offending Jews, Christians, and Pagans alike. (Yes, this is in the right category.)

Columbine High School. All I have to say is Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the fact that you would go on a rampage…that's why the kids made fun of you.

Three words: Pete Rose's haircut.

Two words: Bill Gates.

Lots of people went crazy and started shooting guns. One word: therapy.

 Science, Technology, and other words on your spelling test

The world of computers was struck with a blow when Microsoft failed in its attempt to purchase Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson and consequently win the antitrust suit against it.

Didn't we used to care about the space program? No? Ok. Just wondering.

In 1999, scientists finally perfected the electric car. Made by Tyco, a child can drive it for up to 8 hours on just 4 AA batteries. It is currently available at Radio Shack for $39.99. Sadly, it seats only 3 Lego people or one Herve Villechez (star of TV's Fantasy Island).

The Sega Dreamcast was finally sold to an eager audience. Although its cost of $200 was prohibitive for many, in fact, its purchase will save the pathetic owner from the costs of birth control, wedding rings, and children's day care, because no woman will ever come within 80 stench-ridden feet of those individuals.

 Religion

The pope's still alive. Sorry, Sinead O'Connor.

 Entertainment

In music, Ringo Starr marked his return to the music scene with the release of his album Vertical Man. Although it was critically panned, consumers snapped it up in droves, only to be disappointed when it was announced that unlike his other work The Starr Report, this media had absolutely no references to the words fellatio, sodomy, gang bang, or furburger.

Nine Inch Nails took a gamble this year, releasing their double album exclusively at Menards, directly across from the 3 penny nails. As a result, they fell short of their platinum goal, however, have been coated with zinc to prevent corrosion.

Lauryn Hill took home plenty of Grammys, however, she insisted that she would rather have her children starve than let white people give her any more awards. Later, however, her publicist attributed this to her miseducation.

Speaking of miseducation, don't the Backstreet Boys suck? When were we supposed to be taught that? Algebra? And Ricky Martin? Nah. Too easy.

Cher's back! Next time, use more of those foam packing peanuts.

Stanley Kubrick died on March 7. Mr. Kubrick, you will be missed. Same is true for Joe DiMaggio, Justice Harry Blackmun, Walter Payton, and George C. Scott. As for you, Allen Funt, don't worry about the fire and brimstone. In fact, smile! You're on candid damnation!

So, perhaps this year did mean something. Perhaps this year will be remembered as the best of the millennium. Sadly, for idiots all over America, it will mean more: the end of a millennium. By the way, idiots, it's got one more year left. There was no year 0. See you next year, when the final millennium in review will be posted on December 30. (Screw you people…I have better things to do on New Year's Eve.)

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