It seems that a lot of people tend to define other people by what they lack or what they aren't rather than what they really are. I think they're afraid to look.
I have unspoken depth, but I rarely communicate this. I would naturally be ignored or rejected. Why is this?
The result is I have an inner life, and there I am my real self. Sometimes, in the outer world I make myself appear inadequate. I don't even know why except I no longer have a clue not to. I can speak of my experiences, but I can't speak of the pain and confusion, unless this communication will help someone.
I have felt worthless.
I put aside those worthless feelings now. I found the truth to be quite the contrary. I am making my own decisions regarding how I will respond.
When I was a little girl, I knew I was special. I think everyone felt this way at one time. No matter what happened to me, that couldn't be erased, this special feeling, and the magic could never be drained from my heart. All my life I've followed what has urged me on; theology, travel, study, Egypt, Northern Europe, shamanism, Christianity, sweat lodges, our dear Mother Earth, and now the eastern beliefs starting with Reiki. Next maybe I'll study for my black belt in Karate and finally get that. You can only imagine the disapproval I've received over the years for doing all this. People have tried to stop me, manipulate me, told me this is silly or evil -- all for my own good, they said. But they didn't even have a clue to what they were talking about. These were definately cases of classic contempt prior to investigation. They didn't know what it is, so it must be bad. But I went on anyway because if I didn't honor the drive in my heart I got real sick and miserable. I needed to follow my instincts, and I needed to be trusted. It was a blessing that there were people, like lights on a stormy night, that encouraged me. For them there are no words to describe my gratitude, except that I hope that my continued progress will flower their gardens, and some day they will know that a lot of the seeds they planted in my soul -- grew.
At almost every moment I have to make a choice between being who I am versus digressing myself, limiting my beauty, my creation and knowledge because of other people's fear. Or is that my own fear?
In my natural state, I am vibrant, intelligent, creative. I explore things, study, and I love loyally. I wonder if a free spirit intimidates people? I wonder if all in all, it actually intimidates me. I thought in the past that I scared people because I was like a mirror and they saw the boxes they live in constructed of their own fear. Maybe. I've seen many attempts at manipulation to prove natural instincts wrong -- just for the sake of comfortability. I've seen outrage against me that I would dare to break through the boundaries, prove that I've done no harm, and still be in society doing what I need to do. Outrage that I would be so inconsiderate as to shred the imposed box so I could BREATHE!
How dare I honor my own goodness instead of someone else's fear?
Ok, so if I'm an effective mirror to everyone's personal mental prisons, I won't join the crowd to make everyone's conscience bearable. My own conscience should be clean. My love is actually insulted by ridiculous accusations with no foundation other than someone else's fear.
You want to know what I see? That without a sense of connection, people choose this desperate struggle for things to fill them up -- the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the looks, the body -- and money, money, money. They are tortured by the fact that they believe they are inadequate. They don't even try to break through the box -- while I have shredded cardboard from a dozen boxes, lying around my feet from falling for the inadequate trip -- then shredding the box again now to look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. What am I to be despised for?
I am more than adequate. I'm tired of kicking cardboard.
I view myself as sacred -- just as everyone else is, though they might not realize it. In fact, if they don't it's because they refuse to realize it since sacrifice and guilt seems to be the pervading belief system. I am supposed to become who I am meant to become and live the life I am meant to live. To me, that means helping people help themselves and the freedom to do that, plus the trust that I have the fortitude and strength to do it in regard to everyone's integrity.
See, deep inside of me I have a built in escape hatch. It is a love that does not end or waver or make money off of me or play games or stomps on my heart. It is my spiritual core. Within it I exist as a cosmic royal mother, a star sister, a daughter of the sun and the moon. Here I find God, the Goddess, Nature in all Her aspects, and my own sweet self. Anyone can laugh if they want -- at their own emotional peril.
So here is a door. A passage of emotional opportunity, and we are perfectly capable of sailing through it. Angels hold it open for us. But you have to have the courage.
My power, my strength is not evil, but good. I have to reclaim my goodness as well as my power and never let someone tear it down with their fear. Pain is a great source of energy, and once I knew it was another door -- before I allowed myself to believe I was weak and inadequate. But that belief, like a demon, is dead.
I've earned my wisdom -- so ridiculed and misunderstood by those who can't conceive that a woman can carry such weight. I've also earned my serenity, not by having it bestowed upon me, but having passed the tests. I deserve to be trusted. I've suffered and grown, and I won't suffer the same test over and over again once I've passed that cycle. I have proven I can hold myself together, plus carry those who rely on me. I am the center, the axis that holds it together, and I get precious little help. And I care deeply about something bigger that tells me that I don't need control. I have authentic power, not clever manipulation.
What does it mean for me to live in a world that oppresses my expansion and attempts to illustrate me wrong for my passions? I'm not talking about infidelity. I'm talking about the things I deeply care about. To me it means finding others who have seen the same light. They are everywhere. The days of telepathic secret double talk are over. That was kindergarten, and I've been in the real shit for awhile and left the soul-killing games behind. They made me strong though. Psychically pitted like a bull left scars, but I'm still here. Now there are men and women everywhere who have heard the joke but take it too seriously to laugh. I make some, very few of these men and women my friends.
So, it's funny but also tragic, this cutting off of the pass of the life force I love -- in the name of love? Something new is brewing, it's been brewing for a long time, and I'm grateful that is has.
My energy is naturally magnetic and my sense of possibility is contagious. Some totally miss the whole point and respond with sexual urges. I simply see that as sad. I am full of integrity and joy. I'm aware of it, I'm proud of it, and I love it. I don't fully appreciate the personal ego flaw lessons -- but once through one of those it's usually neat stuff to discover for a while. I actually like life.
There was once a woman who helped me see magic. She showed me that the strange knowings I have didn't mean I was crazy. She showed me they were real and provable. That was so refreshing after being surrounded by people who didn't, couldn't, or refused to even try to understand, so I put lids on my emotions. This was living in a world where I was outcasted because people didn't want to know and tried not to allow me to exist. I chose to implode rather than take society's punishment.
I finally chose to quit cringing like a victimized puppy. But I have learned to discriminate who sees this soul, and I live through it. I've been mentally bruised and physically battered. But there are more people like me now, people who've survivied to tell the tale, have lived through the firing line, and now hopefully my children will have an easier time. So, I cherish the few friends I have that know me and allow me to be me.
I feel that whenever I refuse to be limited, I am suddenly accused of being in dangerous denial of my faults, my neurosis, and my weaknesses. You know this is an ancient trick, this telling a person that their passion, their glory is their sickness. So, you bet I'm in denial. The way I've made it through more shit than most women could handle away from the security of their immediate family is I deny the power of weakness to hold me back, be it the weakness of the world's fear or the weakness of my own past. I am on to better things, such as owning my beauty and especially honoring the courage it has taken me to get here and claiming my natural power to heal and be healed.
I'm not grandiose -- I'm tired -- tired of pretending I'm guilty when I know I'm innocent, that I'm plain when I know I'm not, that I'm weak when I know I am strong.
There was a time in my life when my more fluid thoughts and feelings were seen as creative rhythms, not "flaky girl stuff." That was in healing groups and sweat lodges where everyone was a natural priest or priestess. It is actualy honoring the self, and the dignity of the Self being honored. I have a compassionate connection to Spirit and Earth.
I see a ridiculous rash of fear. Fear that with my freedom and knowledge that I can seriously do harm. That's against my religion -- which I don't force on anyone. I get angry from the assaults. Then the next oldest trick is to turn it around like I do the assaulting. The invalidation of my beliefs and values is the one subject that lies at the heart of all my painful dramas.
I feel I have a task on earth, and over the years my body, my soul, and mind have been prepared for that service. Why is that so hard to believe? All I ask is simple. Trust and respect.
Most people are lost and disconnected because they don't see themselves as souls with a body. They see themselves as bodies with a soul. There is a big difference in thought there.
I don't see any of this as a joke and I don't treat it like a toy. I discovered a long time ago that as a woman, the world generally doesn't have any place for me. I learned quickly not to look to the world for support, sustenance, and especially for my identity!
I fight for what I have in abundance. Interesting. What we don't claim simply remains hidden. The process of finding our spiritual core, this amazing transformation, is the only way to stop society's backlash against genuine empowerment.
When I am truly self aware, I know that my Self is a light from beyond this world. But when I'm aware and strong in this reality of spirit, I'm quickly invalidated by some type of power system that senses within spiritual truths are the seeds of it's own destruction, which really isn't true. The only thing that would happen is they'd have to see and kill their own demons. What if we all believed in internal light? Then we wouldn't believe in the power of external forces and we would not be so easy to dominate and control.
I've known the desire, attempted to live the desire to escape into a world where I wouldn't have to face the harshness of another day. That comes from a belief that if I'm too happy, too successful, too smart, I will not be loved. It's like there has to be something that let's other people know that I'm really "one of them".
I know for some people it's weight, for others it's something else, but it's like suddenly I'm unconsciously afraid of a reaction against me if I dare to permit myself to have too great a life. I, myself make sure that no one will be able to accuse me of breaking the unspoken rule. The thought of disapproval rings loudly when I dare to break the ultimate glass ceiling. "I have never recieved the criticism for failure that I have for success." I don't remember who said that, but it's very accurate. The world believes in everybody's guilt.
I have decided that I will no longer feel guilty -- especially about the stuff that has nothing to do with me. How utterly demeaning! Maybe I can finally liberate myself from the limited thinking of people so afraid of intelligent women. Maybe I will no longer encounter people who will attack me. Or, if they do, I won't care. Maybe I'll break throught the clouds.
So, next time someone makes me feel as though I'm going too far, getting too good, being too successful, feeling too happy, I'll say to them, "I haven't even started yet!"
My Reiki Master's View of Reiki - Earl Violet
Ellie's Letter to the World - Ellie Bingham
The Nature of Disease - Cynthia Danielson
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