(Hathor, Eliott, Eros, and Aphrodite are gathered around. Aphrodite is talking to them.)
APHRODITE- Hathor, what do you have to report?
HATHOR- The syrem has completely blocked the Lunarian’s common sense.
APHRODITE- Good, Eliott?
ELIOTT- Due to the syrem, she is unable to tell that Chip is pure evil. Meanwhile, Solar is writhing in envy.
APHRODITE- Good. Everything is going according to the plan.
EROS- Erm, mommy? What is our plan??
APHRODITE- (sighs) Hathor?
HATHOR- We haven’t had much luck manipulating the Lunarian, so we brought another factor into the picture. Chip will unwittingly leave the girl dazed and confused, and we will have no problems defeating her.
ELIOTT- Meanwhile, someone else is getting shafted. He may resort to doing some dumb things. His will shall deteriorate. He will be no threat.
EROS- Solar.
APHRODITE- Precisely.
(At school, the first week.)
MIRANDA- I see you’re off the crutches.
TABBY- Yeah. (Walks in a circle.)
(Chip walks up behind Tabby and puts his arm around her)
CHIP- Hey, you’re getting pretty good. (smiles)
(Miranda gives a disapproving look.)
(Cherry giggles)
CHERRY- (whispers) Aw, Miranda. Don’t take things so seriously.
MIRANDA- (whispers back) Should I take Chad’s soon-to-be heart attack seriously?
CHERRY- I wouldn’t.
MIRANDA- You wouldn’t... Ami, can you believe this?
AMI- Uh, maybe you should be aware that Chad is coming this way...
(Chip lets go of Tabby as Chad walks up)
TABBY- Hi, Chad! How’re you?
CHAD- Uh, fine... (Miranda and Chad exchange glances)
CHARU- Say, where’s that Eliott guy that’s always around?
CHERRY- Oh, he’s in History...
CHIP- At lunch?
CHERRY- Yeah... It was like this -
(flashback)
TEACHER- We’ll also cover communism -
ELIOTT- Communism!! (starts drooling) I love the AP book!!
(end flashback)
CHERRY- - so I doubt we’ll be seeing him much.
MIRANDA- (Jumps into the air) Yay!! (looks around) Erm, did I just do that?
CHAD- Uh, no. Of course not.
MIRANDA- What are we standing around here for?!? There’s lunch to be eaten!
(later, that afternoon...)
CHIP- (thinking) Just five more minutes. Then I can go home... Home to my evil lair! Ha ha ha!
CHAD- (also thinking) Look at him, sitting there. He thinks he’s king of the world. But he is king of nothing!
TABBY- (looks out window) Gyah!
(There are people swarming for the entrance of school.)
(Some Guy Next Door comes in.)
SOME GUY- School’s over. Go home.
(The students frolic out the door. Tabby, Chad, and Chip go outside and find Cherry and Miranda waiting at the door.)
TABBY- What’s going on???
MIRANDA- I bet it’s a bomb threat!
CHAD- Miranda! Don’t be so... uh... so...
CHIP- Miranda-y!
CHAD- I don’t need your help in order to finish my sentences!!
CHERRY- This could be a while... I’ll go to my locker.
TABBY- I’ll come with.
SOME GUY- No! You can’t come this way! Get off the school grounds!
(They walk back to Miranda, Chad, and Chip)
CHERRY- Odd. He wouldn’t let me pass.
(Miranda’s face goes white)
MIRANDA- There’s a bomb! It must be a bomb! (runs around in a circle screaming)
CHAD- Way to stay calm, Miranda.
(At Tabby’s house)
MOM- You’re home early...
TABBY- Bomb threat. Got sent home. Going over to Chip’s. Later, dinner.
MOM- What?! You’re not going anywhere!! What bomb threat??!
TABBY- It was just your ordinary, everyday bomb threat.
MOM- I’m going down to your school. Wait here.
(She leaves)
TABBY- (sighs) (picks up phone, dials) Hello, Chip?
CHIP- What?! Who dares to disturb my solitude with that infernal ringing?!!
TABBY- Chip?? Is that you??
CHIP- Oh, Tabby. It’s you.
TABBY- I can’t come over today. My mom got all freaked about the bomb threat.
CHIP- Oh. I understand.
TABBY- Or, how about you come over here??
CHIP- Okay, darling. I’ll be right over. **CLICK**
(We get a glimpse of Chip’s room, and a huge black + white picture of Chad with a big red “X” through it.)
(Eliott standing in front of the curtain)
ELIOTT- Hey! I’m getting shafted in this issue!!
VOICE- That’s because I don’t like you.
ELIOTT- Oh, okay. Well, anyway; you people don’t want to see Tabby have a boring conversation with Chip, do you? You don’t? Oh, good. Let’s flash forward to the next day.
(At lunch, [again... gee, I suck.])
CHAD- So, yeah. What was that all about yesterday?
MIRANDA- What was what all about??
AMI- We had a bomb threat, remember?
MIRANDA- Oh, yeah.
TABBY- Are you all sure it was a bomb threat?
(An announcement comes on)
ANNOUNCEMENT- Students: Yes, yesterday it was a bomb threat.
CHERRY- Well, that answers that question.
MIRANDA- What answers what question??
AMI- Uhh... never mind.
(Chip walks up)
CHIP- I’m here! The fun can start.
(Chad imagines hitting Chip with a baseball bat)
CHAD- (thinking) Fun... hmm, that could be fun.
(Chad laughs, and people look at him. He is still laughing as he takes a sip of his soda. He snarfs it, it comes out his nose, and spurts all over Tabby.)
TABBY- Eww! You snarfed it all over me!!
CHIP- I heard that the teachers developed a code for when there’s a bomb. (helps dry Tabby off. Chad glares at him.)
CHARU- Really? I wonder what it is...
MIRANDA- Probably something really obvious, like “Please go to the football field for a Picnic Day.”
ANNOUNCEMENT- All students and staff need to go to the football field for a Picnic Day. Go! Go now!!!
STUDENT- Yay! Picnic Day!!
MIRANDA- Uh... Uh...
(At the “Picnic Day”)
SLEATOR- Now. Well then. We are having another bomb threat. I paged the police chief, but he yelled at me. **sniffle... sniffle** Uh... anyway... Since the school can only afford to save the athletic students, they need to come up here so we can laugh at the others when they blow up.
TABBY- That’s reassuring.
STUDENT- Hey! What kind of cheap Picnic day is this?? There’s no food or fuzzy blankets or anything!!
SLEATOR- This is not a real Picnic Day. We lied to you.
STUDENT- Aww...
MIRANDA- Why are we still here, if it’s so dangerous?
CHIP- Yeah! Let’s just beat him up and run out the gate!
(Cheers from the crowd)
SLEATOR- No! Don’t listen to that boy! Uhmm... well then. I’ll just sit in the announcers’ box, where there are sandwiches. (he runs over to a nearby golf cart, which takes him to a nearby helicopter. The helicopter takes him far over the horizon.)
CHAD- Uhh... uhh... umm...
CHERRY- That... that... that punk!!
(Chad starts to cry)
MARY- (blandly) There, there. Don’t cry.
MIRANDA- We’re all going to die!!
(Miranda runs around in little circles, screaming.)
KAY- Uhh... do you think we should do something?
CHIP- Yes. (Chip shoves Chad. He pushes down random people and starts a riot.)
AMI- Augh!! What are you doing?!?!
CHIP- If we all push, we’ll get out of here faster!
CHARU- I don’t see your logic...
(Chip grabs Tabby’s wrist.)
CHIP- C’mon! I’ll get you out of here alive if it kills the both of us!!
(Tabby and Chip run off. Chad stares after them.)
CHAD- The hunt has begun. (He walks off after them)
CHERRY- Should we be worried about him??
MARY- See, I would. But that’s just me.
(Eliott comes running by, clutching the AP book protectively.)
ELIOTT- My baby- my baby! Someone, please! Save my baby!
MIRANDA- Eliott, it’s too late to save the A.P. book!!
(Eliott clusters in with the group)
ELIOTT- All my friends are gone, so I’m going to leech off of your little protective group.
CHERRY- Hmmm... we were your friends a week ago...
ELIOTT- Yeah, well, things change.
MIRANDA- How do you sleep at night?
ELIOTT- With a cardboard cut-out of the AP book.
(blank stares)
MIRANDA- It was a rhetorical question!
(They all walk away from him.)
ELIOTT- (notices) Huh? Wait for me!
(as he runs to catch up with them, he drops the AP book)
ELIOTT- Nooo!! She was so young!!! Take me instead!!! Why?!? Why do the good always die so young?!?
AMI- Geez, Eliott. It’s just a book.
(They walk away from the sobbing Eliott)
(Chip is leading Tabby to the gate; Chad is following.)
TABBY- Hey! Where are we going??
CHIP- To somewhere safe! This riot is dangerous!
TABBY- Uhh... Might I point out that you’re the one who started the riot??
CHIP- No, you may not.
(They dive under the bleachers.)
CHIP- We’ll be safe here!!
(Football Player #1 sees them)
F.P. #1- Hey! They’re not hot athletic guys like us!
F.P. #2- Hey, you’re right!!
TABBY- Hee hee... Chip, that guy thinks he’s hot...
CHIP- (To Football Player #1) Hot?? You are not hot!
F.P. #3- Hey! He doesn’t think he’s hot!
F.P. #1- Let’s get ‘im!!
(They chase Tabby + Chip out from under the bleachers.)
F.P. #2- Yeah! You two aren’t hot, like us! You pretty much deserve to die!!
TABBY- How nice of them.
(Chip catches sight of Chad)
CHIP- (thinking) Oh, no! He’s catching up!
F.P. #3- Hey! That guy’s even less hot than the other guy!! Let’s get ‘im!!
CHAD- No! Ack!! Get away!!