~~Title: Three Sheets to the Wind (1/1) ~~Author: Chel Scully ~~E-Mail address- delphia@mailcity.com ~~Rating: PG for mild swearing ~~Category: SH (I hope!) ~~Keywords: ~~Summary: Your basic "Scully gets drunk at a party and reveals her feelings about her partner to someone" story. ‘Cept this someone is her niece. (Oooh!) ~~Disclaimer: Oh, I guess I’d better do the Disclaimer Theme on this one. :::clears throat::: :::blows pitch pipe::: I do not own this show! That's obvious, I know! Oh if you sue me, I'll be gloomy, it's a sad joke, cause I'm flat broke, I only *borrowed* it althoooouuuugh, I DO NOT OWN THIS SHOWWWW! Kay, you get the clue? Mulder and Scully blah blah not mine yadda yadda belongs to Chris Carter and 1013, blah blah lawyers bad, compliments good blah blah... ~~Author’s note: This is the first fanfic I ever-hever wrote. When I wrote it, I was discussing with my many friends (I’m so popular!) that there weren’t too many Scullydrunk stories, and not enough [living] teenagers in fanfic... so I combined them. Oh, and I took the potted plant thing from Trustyone--I hope she can forgive my slanderous blaspheming of her work!-- and the Elephants on Berlin from Suzie. By the way, the title is a synonym for the word "drunk" that I found in my Super Thesaurus (dun-dah-dah-DUN SOOOO-PER THESAURUS!). I couldn’t think of anything else. :::shrug::: Oh, yeah, and compliments and constructive criticism is appreciated, but I won’t respond to flames cause they break my widdow heawt. I’m on ICQ and... oh, I’ll tell ya later. X~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three Sheets to the Wind ~~~~~~~~~~~~X She giggled maniacally, watching the fan blades go aroundandaroundandaround... "I think you've had enough to drink here, auntie-poo," Rachel Scully told her smashed aunt. "Time to go home now." "Oh, whyyyy?" Scully whined. "Can't I stay longer and watch the fan? It goes so *fast*..." "You told my parents you'd have me home right after the party, Miss Drunken Prom Queen. The party has come and gone. I am now standing in a room full of inebriated FBI agents, way past my bedtime, and I missed 'The Pretender'. Now is not a good time to argue with me." Rachel very much resembled her aunt, with her red hair, short stature, and clear blue eyes, as she adopted her aunt's stubborn authoritative stance, talking in a no-nonsense tone. However, acting like her aunt was a totally different piece of pie. "I have had enough of this 'party' and I WANT TO GO HOME!" Scully rolled onto her back, and stared up at her 16 year old niece. They had a small staring contest, before Scully dissolved into giggles. "You look like a monkey when you're mad," she declared between giggles. Rachel shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and... When she opened her eyes, however, her aunt had gone missing. "Dammit!" Rachel screamed to no one in particular. "I can't drive unless I have an adult with me!" She stormed in the direction that she hoped Scully had gone to. "Hey, Scully..." someone stopped her by placing a hand on her arm. Rachel sighed. she hoped. She turned around to face the offender, with a bitter "What?" on her tongue. The "What" slowly dissolved into a "Whahhhhhg..." It was Scully's partner. Now, Rachel had mentally prepared herself for this moment. She had never actually met Scully's partner, Scully never even bothered to tell her his name, but she had seen enough pictures of him to know that meeting him face to face would effectively render her without speech. She had rehearsed greetings carefully, so she wouldn't make an ass of herself in the first five minutes, she had mentally gone over poses and different things to make herself more presentable. But nowhere in her preparations did she cover what to do if he was drunk and thought she was her 15-years-*older* aunt. He squinted at her with glazed-over hazel eyes. "Scully?" He seemed to be questioning her existence. Then he shrugged it off and said, slurring the words slightly, "Weren't you s’pose to be watching your niece?" Rachel's mouth was still hanging open on the word "What." "Um... yeah, don't worry, I am, I got it taken care of." "Well, where’ave you been? I’ve been lookin for ya..." He put his arm around her shoulders, and started to turn her around. "Actually, I, uhm, need to go... uh... get more alcohol..." "I could get you some." "...From over there!" Rachel pointed way across the room. She ducked out from under his arm. He peered in the general direction of where she had pointed, looked briefly confused, then shrugged. "Okay, whatever." As much as she would have like to stay and chat with the tall, dark, and hammered man who thought she was his age, she bolted as quickly as she could. "Danaaa?" She called out for her aunt like a distraught 3-year-old. "Daaaay-nuhhhh?" Rachel wondered. She tripped over her answer. Agent Scully had been crawling around on her hands and knees. "Aunt Dana?!" Rachel rolled over and asked, astonished. She got to her feet, and pulled her aunt up with her. "Dana!" Her voice was starting to get a whiny edge to it. "I want to go *home*." "But I’m not done yet!" Scully complained, not be out-whined by her younger niece. "Well, what are you doing? I’ll help you get it done," Rachel threw in. "I’m trying to turn into a cow." She giggled some more. She stopped just as suddenly as she had started and asked "Have you seen Mulder around?" "Mulder... who’s Mulder?" Rachel asked, rubbing her forehead. She had the worst headache ever... The agent chortled so much she almost fell over. She regained as much of herself as she could before saying "My damn fine partner!" Rachel stopped rubbing her head, and peered at her from between her fingers. "*That’s* his name?" "Yeahahahahah..." She seemed to like the sound of that. "Yeahahah. Hahah. Hah." "All right, well..." Rachel pulled her aunt by the arm to the front door. "It’s time to get your coat and go home now." "Awww... okay." This time Scully had a change of heart. "When we get home, you wanna do my hair and make cookies?" "What?" Rachel asked over her shoulder. "Nothing." Scully suddenly burst out laughing at the coat rack after her niece had pulled their coats off of it. Rachel double-checked to make sure she wasn’t just missing something. It was still a normal coat rack. She shrugged, and pushed through the door. ~~~~~~~~~~~~X "How long does it take you to pass out in a drunken stupor?" Rachel demanded. Scully shrugged, then snorted at the end table. "Ha! What a silly looking thing..." she crawled over to it, and eyed it from an inch away. She snickered at it. "Ohhh-kay..." Rachel crashed back down on the sofa again. "You’re quite a different thing when you’re raving drunk." "Yeahahahahah." She stopped her staring-contest with the end table, and sat up against the couch. There was an eerie and rare moment of silence. Rachel hoped that maybe, finally, her aunt had gone unconscious... Scully started tittering again, out of nowhere. "What is so damn funny?!" Rachel leaned over the edge of the couch so she could yell it in her ear. She stared at her seriously... well, as seriously as a stewed to the gills woman can be. "You look like me!" She exclaimed, like it was the first time anyone had noticed. "Your partner thought so, too..." Rachel sighed. "He did?" She sat up higher and twisted her body around to face her niece. "What did he say? Did he talk about me?" "He thought *I* was *you*," she said, annoyed. Then she gave up trying to have either of them make sense. "He just wanted to know where I was and where you had been." "Why didn’t you tell him I was with Frank trying to be a cow?" She passed up the opportunity to ask who Frank was. "Because he thought I was you, so he really was asking where *I* had been, and I didn’t want to tell him I wasn’t you, so I left." Rachel thought this would have sounded confusing to a normally coherent person, but her intoxicated aunt nodded as if she comprehended. "Hey, you know what?" Scully said suddenly. "What." She asked flatly. "The elephants are marching on Berlin." She doubled over in laughter. "Really?" Rachel couldn’t help but grin at that one. "And... and... wait, did Mulder do anything cause he thought you were me?" She asked excitedly. "No." Rachel rolled over onto her back and hung her head over the edge of the couch. "Well, he put his arm around me." "He did?! Oh, I hate you!" Scully tried to grab a pillow and hit her niece, but her aim in reaching for the couch pillow wasn’t very good, so she gave up and missed her chance. "You have a crush on your partner," Rachel taunted. "I’m gonna tell him..." Scully just snorted. She lay down on her stomach next to the couch, so her head was by Rachel’s. "Y’know what?" She said, grinning. "Hmwah?" Rachel was too exhausted to fully pronounce her words. "His name is Fox." She turned her head towards her and frowned. "That’s just the alcohol talking, right?" "Nope." She shook her head, still grinning. Rachel could just barely raise an eyebrow. She stared at the floor above her head, which really was below her head... "When his mom named him that, did she just *know* he was gonna be good looking?" "Tee hee hee..." Scully tried to get to her feet, but only made it to her knees. "I’m gonna go get more drink..." "Whatever." Rachel closed her eyelids. She wasn’t trying to go to sleep, she just wanted to rest her eyes... She snapped awake abruptly, aware that she had dozed off. The last thing she remembered was that her aunt had gone to get more "drink"... She sat upright on the couch. A wave of dizziness and pain washed over her as the blood left her head in a rush... She rolled onto the floor, and slowly got to her feet. "Dana?" She called, squinting. She heard talking off to her left, in the bedroom. She peeked in the bedroom doorway. "Aunt Dana...?" Her aunt was sitting next to the potted plant she had growing by her bedroom window. She seemed to be having a heart-to-heart with it... no, she *was* having a heart-to-heart with it. "Don’t get me wrong, Missy, he’s a great guy and all but... I don’t know how much more I can take of these stupid conspiracy theories!" "Dana?" Rachel questioned her. "Are you talking to your plant?" "What?" Scully eyed her curiously. "Oh, you mean Missy? She’s not a plant, she’s my sister. She’s a great listener! Doesn’t say much, though." Rachel sighed, and rubbed her head. Apparently, she hadn’t been asleep for long. "Aunt Dana, I really think you should get in bed now." "Oh noooo, I don’t want to!" She pouted like a four-year-old spoilt Navy brat. "Day-*nuh!*" Rachel complained. "I don’t want to have to watch you for the rest of the night to make sure you don’t do anything stupid or go into cardiac arrest or advanced cerosis of the liver or whatever! I want to go to bed now!" "So go to bed!" The FBI agent gave her a drunken wave. "I’m not done talking to Missy." Rachel flopped herself onto the bed. "Well, why are you talking to Missy, you could always talk to me," she told her, her voice muffled by the bed-spread. "Yeah, it’d probably be easier to talk to you, you say more." Scully leaned over to the plant and whispered "Nothing personal, Melissa..." She threw herself onto the bed in front of her niece. Rachel raised her head slightly so that she was looking at her aunt and not the blanket. Scully just stared back at her for a while. "Well?" Said Rachel. "Oh, yeah!" Scully grinned sheepishly. "I was just talking to Missy about Mulder." "Why, you two having problems?" Rachel folded her arms in front of her and rested her chin on them. Scully giggled, but it was slower than usual. Rachel thought to herself. "He’s really cute," Scully chortled. Rachel shook her head, but she was grinning. "Can you tell me anything I don’t already know, please?" She smiled big, and tucked her hair behind her ear. "He almost kissed me once." "He *DID?*" Rachel raised her head up. "Well, it wasn’t really him, it was someone who looked like him," she amended, biting her nail and looking into deep space. Rachel frowned. "Ohhh-kay." "But I still would have kissed him, if it had been him, or if I thought it was him." Rachel put her head back down on her arms. "Who wouldn’t have?" "Hahh!" She giggled. "Someone who’s insane!" Scully sighed. "I wish I could tell him that I would have kissed him..." she said wistfully. "Maybe he’d tell me what that keychain was all about..." Rachel didn’t exactly know what she was getting at, so she tried a different approach to the matter. "Ya think he likes you?" A dark cloud seemed to cross her aunt’s face. her mind groaned. As if her emotions were magnified by the alcohol, she burst into tears. "I hope so!" She said between sobs. "I think I’d kill myself if he didn’t!" "Hohjeez... I’m sorry..." Rachel crawled up next to her and gave her a hug. She felt a little embarrassed for her aunt, she was acting so pathetic. "I’m sorry I asked that. I’m sure he likes you, he’s probably in love with you, thinking about you right now..." The sobs died down to sniffles. "You... *sniff* ... You really think so?" "Oh, oh yeah, he’s got to be just crazy about you." Her face brightened, and she beamed. "You’re probably right." She yawned. "Are you going to bed yet?" Rachel asked her hopefully. "No, I’m not even tired, I..." Suddenly, in mid-sentence, she dropped onto her side, her head landed on her pillows, and fell asleep. Rachel breathed one great happy sigh of relief. "Finally." She marched herself out to the living room and collapsed on the couch. She needed to get all the rest she could to be able to deal with the hangover from Hell her aunt would experience tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~X "Good morning," Scully bitched as she walked past her sleeping niece. "Gah!" Rachel sat straight up on the couch. "What? Oh." She squinted at her aunt. "You’re up early." "No, you’re up late." She pointed at the clock in her microwave. It said 12:29 PM. "Oh God..." Rachel stretched out her back, and rubbed her eyes. "I feel like I’m the one with the monstrous hangover." "Yeah, well..." Scully shut the cabinet door gingerly, then struggled to open the Advil bottle for about five minutes. "Can you do this for me?" She walked over to Rachel and handed her the offending container, holding her head with the other hand. Rachel opened it with a click. Scully glared at her. "You loosened it for me," Rachel said quickly. Pissing and moaning, she took the Advil bottle back to the kitchen, got herself a glass of tap water, and shook about 5 Advil into her hand. She downed all the Advil and half the water with one swallow. "Wow!" Rachel breathed in awe. "That was cool!" Scully ignored her, and groped her way over to the couch, keeping her head in one hand. She sat down on the cushion next to her niece, rested her elbow on the couch arm, and put her head on one hand. "How do you feel?" Rachel asked after a few moments of silence. "Like someone sandpapered my brain and dipped it in lemon juice." Rachel winced. "Well, do you remember anything from last night?" "I went to the party... I had a few drinks... I woke up here." "That’s it?" She asked, astonished. "Why, what else happened?" "Well..." Rachel stretched back in her cushion. "You shot your cell-phone because you thought it was going to assault your foot, you sang and danced on a table and thought you were Ginger Spice, you were fascinated by an electric fan for hours, you pretended to be a cow with some guy named Frank, you found a coat rack, a mailbox, and your end table to be absolutely hilarious, you spoke of how jealous you were that your partner put his arm around me, you poured your heart and soul out to your potted plant, which you had lovingly called Missy... and then you passed out on your bed." Scully had her eyes closed. "I didn’t tell you anything else about Mulder, did I?" She asked after a moment. "Um..." Rachel contemplated it. "No. No, you didn’t." "Good." She opened her eyes, looked straight into her niece, and knew she was lying. "If you tell him anything about what I said, so help me God, I will..." She reached to strangle her niece. "Gaaaah!" Rachel jumped up from the couch. "I won’t tell him anything! Nothing!" X~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End! (and without a burning office...!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~X Okay! I’m proud of myself for finally writing something... To send compliments, constructive criticism, cute Mulder pics... On AOL Instant Messenger: ChelScully On ICQ: 14580789, Chel Scully or Chel On Mailcity: delphia@mailcity.com On Yahoo: pusher1189@yahoo.com On WBS: Chel15626 Liv: ":::Snort:::... Davey - the divine man - Davey... do you not know?" Suzie: "Lemme think about it... OWWWW!" Ris: "Join me in my waltz of happiness!" Kel: "*IT* is the sacred unspellable word! Do not even TRY to put it in your email signature!" Me: "I’ll just *make* him like me. Cer-oooo-lean!"