Babbles
OK well I've gotten a lot of people saying, "You should start your babbles up again." So here I am I figured I would since there's no use of having a page stay never updated. See below.
**************WARNING**************
This page is purely what is in my head. I'm not promising it is all true but I'm not saying it isn't. Read at your own risk. I apologize in advance if anything on this page offends or hurts you. Please do NOT hold it against me. I am just typing what I think and you are reading it at your own will. It's your choice to read what is posted on this page. ALL YOUR CHOICE.
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3-8-00 9:15pm
It's funny how sometimes crying helps and sometimes it doesn't in the least. Sometimes I get this stupid idea that if I cry it(whatever it being) will go away. It didn't this time, hardly ever does. I had a good day today too. It was pretty outside and a had a good school day and everything. Then at about 8:45 I turned on the radio and heard "Higher." Jon didn't talk much, I don't want to wonder why. He said he should go. ok. So now after crying my eyes out for reasons that I don't plan I telling to anyone anytime soon, I of course get online cuz I know(I get a certain feeling) Blue's on. And already he's pretty much made me all better. Why do I keep thinking I will only be all better if I go back to last summer? Everything wasn't ok I was still dealing with the Dave thing and I was scared of high school, but I had Blue. Right now that's the only thing that I think mattered. I mean GOD I was slipping into depression Monday night and I check the voice mail like I do every night when I get off and there's his message. He hardly ever left a message before. He's one of the few guys who have ever, but the message just took me back. It like grabbed me and held me back last fall when I'd spend hours talking to him on the phone...when he'd sing "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters to me...when everything seemed right. All he said was "Hey Niki, it's me, Evan, I just called to say I wouldn't be online tonight and I guess I'll talk to you later or tomorrow well until then I love you bye." It was something close to that. Maybe it was hearing him say he loved me again that I played the message atleast a dozen times in that next 20 minutes and the reason I went to bed with a huge smile spread across my face. "Woke to sounds, prayed you were there."~OLP. I dunno but that's inside and no one's allowed inside right now. I guess it's closed for construction and what it becomes is beyond my control. But I dunno then my weekend is full almost. Hardly any time to see Jon, Leo and Nicki. But now I'm thinkin maybe it'd be good to spend a weekend away. I dunno. Blue's gonna call me at 10:30pm he's guaranteed to get a couple smiles out of me. Going in all directions...out.
3-9-00 4:17pm
Well Blue did get A LOT of smiles out of me and a hell of a lotta laughs. We talked from 10:30pm to 12:30am. We always had something to talk about or laugh about or listen to. Course I heard "Higher" on the radio about 3 times and "Otherside" about 2. Plus he kept playin "Higher" and a whole bunch of other songs...like "Walking After You." It was good to talk to him though. Something way over due for sure. Anyways, school was great then I was sitting there in English and there's a knock at the door and they say "Nicole" and I'm like that's not me it can't be why would someone want me in the hall. So Mrs. Thayer says "Nicole they want you in Mrs. Gordons office." I didn't know what I did. So I go down there are the lady gives me 2 detentions for Monday and Tuesday afternoon. All cuz of that bitch Mrs. Ariss. So since then I've been thinking of a million different ways to kill her. She gave me a referral for being late to her class FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND after the prank yesterday how she saw me and Elizabeth walking out of the bathroom. As far as I know Elizabeth didn't get one and it was her idea to go to the bathroom. It's funny how just standing a teacher can go to hating every single fucking piece of fat in her to liking supposedly the meanest teacher at Start. Chris and Mrs. Thayer were worried and said "tell me how it turns out" before I went down there. God I hate that wanna be foreign exchange teacher that can't even speak English right. Number 132,456,465,635 on how to kill Mrs. Fucking Ariss....
whatever...going in all directions...out....
3-11-00 12:23am
I need to scream. I need to be saved. Where's Blue when I need him? I went bowling and to Fazolie's tonight with Nicki, Krista, Kristen, and Tiffany. It was ok. I had a lot on my mind though. I don't understand some people. I think the most depressing part of tonight was seeing how much people change. Like I saw Rachel and Megan and everyone and they all changed so much. It was just sad to see it, really sad. I need to be needed. If I don't feel needed I don't see reasons for staying people's friends. I finally realized the full extent to "Black Balloon" by the Goo Goo Dolls and the meaning behind the "dedication." It's weird you like want something then once you get it you realize it wasn't all that great. Looking on the bright side I got Blink 182 tickets this morning for their concert on June 9th at 7:30 at the Pine Knob. That's about the only bright side. And "Iris" really didn't just need to come on. But that's life right? You really don't need this or that to happen but it does anyways, 'cept you can't just flip to the next track in life. We are/might be having a get-together at Nicki's house tomorrow. Doubt it's going to work, I doubt everything though. No one's online, they all got off. I'm slipping, fast. The worst part is I don't think I'm going to get a phone call to save me. "I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand."~GGD. Realizations...ease the mind.... Going in ALL directions...out.
3-11-00 10:44pm
So...well...I can hardlty see what I'm syping I don't know if I cane enoguh to know. it's over I guess that's the easiest way to put ot. you knoe I always look for someone to run to so i'm sitting here looking and no one...but wehat would it help idf blue or someone was here? I need someone who knoes what i've been through 3 guys, dave, blue, alex. dave was on for a while, made me cry harder. not his fault, mine. blue's not here. alex i pushed away a while ago cuz i though i didn't need him, truth is a miss him being here any making me talki abut whatever it was. i don't wanna bring nicki down, afraid i would. when am i gonna get over things,people? if i did my life would be somush easier. am i gonns sent the reat of my life wating for a call from blue? or someone... told dave i live...somehow...i don't jave the courage to end it. i live even if it hurts and i don't like it. i don't even know what i want right now. i don't know what i need. i don't knoe who i'm tuning into or who i wantr to be. i never knw was people mean by "finding" their seldfs, now i do. I don't know how. thisis scary. what do i do? how? i'm goinn in all directions. i'm scared. help ,e///
3-12-00 9:33pm
Last night before I went to bed I actually thought seriously about how many pills it'd take to kill me. I scared the shit out of my self I never thought about it that seriously before. Today was nothing special, helped at chruch and did homework. At any other time right now I'd be thinking "I need Blue, Blue'd make me feel better." But I don't know what I need. Alex tried last night. He asked me what I needed he said I had to know. I don't. Things are happening that I think aren't supposed to. I hope I'm...better? soon. I don't know how to help myself. Detention tomorrow and Tuesday. I feel like...nothing. I'm not even sure why I feel like this. Not sure what triggered it or why. I'm so scared. Going in all directions...out....
3-13-00 8:26pm
I found a song that describes what I feel right now. Called "4 am" by Our Lady Peace. Still ideas of suicide are haunting me. Today at the bus stop my mind was thinking about how good it would be if I could call one day at this bus stop the last. My mind's been thinking up notes, too. Notes I'd leave. I've almost written some down, too. I went to be sobbing last night, like I have every night since I turned this way. I've become a master at crying silently. I cried half the day at school. It's called crying without tears. Krista bugged me to tell her what was wrong. I don't think she'd understand, prolly jsut dismiss it fast. Maybe school will get me back to me whoever both mes are. "If I can't find my way back to me, let the sun fall down over me."~Fuel. I should e-mail Blue. I'm so scared. I talked to Nicki last night, I didn't mean to make her worry. Maybe I'm not telling Allysa and Krista so I don't get attention. I don't want attention. I think I'm starting to get to know what I want. I don't know what's wrong. I'm scared. "I hope to God I figure out what's wrong. And if I don't make it know that, I loved you all along..."~OLP.
3-15-00 8:35pm
I feel a little better. Blue made/is making me feel better. I still have my opinions on why Dave and Allysa are going back out. I think they both are trying to get back at me, if so they are doing a great job. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back out with him again. It'd be like back stabbing Allysa again and I don't think I could do that. But what am I talking about? I'd bet money that Dave isn't interested anymore. Oh well I'll live, I'll still have my opinions and beliefs about it all. But that's me. I feel sorry for all that Nicki's going through. Nothing is really here to look forward to. OH 'cept that science project due Friday, now that's exciting. Yea night before last I had like 6 dreams about Dave. Then last night I had dreams about school and Nicki and eating. I'm dreaming a lot lately. Hopefully Blue gets back from eating soon. Hopefully I stop thinking about one of my good friend's boyfriends that I'm not going to steal again. Hopefully things look even more up. "Can you tell me if I'm near, to anywhere but here?"~Lisa Loeb
3-16-00 8:45pm
Blue did get back last night but he had to go. I really liked what we were talking about to. So I find out he works at Kroger's and is a bagger. I tell Krista today and she freaks out. 2 baggers. hhehe I feel better. My mind's not scaring me anymore. I put all my favorite pics together into a mini album. I'm takin it to school tomorrow. God sometimes my mind doesn't know when to stop. Then Krista says "go out with him and he'll leave me alone" geeez. He doesn't like me but yea I do like him. So anyways I thought A LOT last night course all about Blue and Dave. Telling myself over and over that I'll never go back out with him. I dunno if I listened to myself or not. I been thinking about soulmates lately. Wondering if I've found mine or not. Blue's not gonna get on tonight prolly. I wonder why Derek hasn't been in school much anymore. I wonder if Mark ever even thinks about me. I wonder who means more to Dave, Allysa or me. I wonder if I'm ever going to meet Blue. I wonder if Mike likes me. I wonder if I'm going to have to take final exams or not. I wonder if this summer is really gonna be as great as the last one. I wonder when Allysa's going to get over being mad at me. I wonder if I'm going to dream a lot tonight like I have been lately. OK I'm close enough to done. later
3-17-00 11:24pm
I'm down. I think it might have been cuz I got home and didn't have plans for the weekend, 'cept for that overnight tomorrow night at Ted Carrother's Hall. I stayed home tonight. Invited Krista over and we watched "Space Commander" and "Pleasentville." It was fun. Nice to spend time with Krista. Then I got online thinking a lot of people would be on and...no one is. And like I've said before. When no one's on I feel depressed. I really want to make separate friends pages. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll start Blue's page. Maybe not. "I liked things better when I didn't understand them." I realized a lot today. I think it all overwhelmed me at lunch. I think it all hit me at once. How I'd never have a chance with him and how I can never have another with him. It depressed the hell out of me. Then I got home and felt worse. I was going to write him a note, tell him I liked him. But I'm not, he doesn't like me. I waiting for something great to happen. I wonder where Blue is. I wonder why I'm talking to this guy I just met named Shane who sits next to Jamie in French at Clay. I should go to bed soon before this all gets to me. Memories are haunting me.
3-19-00 8:32pm
I got back from the overnight this morning at 11. Took a shower, checked my mail and went to Kendy's house for her party thing today. Last night was fun. The overnight was not what I expected but it was really fun. We listened to music and made stuff and played games and ate pizza. A hot pizza guy delivered the pizza. His name is Paul. We made him a card cuz he was supposed to come back with the fixed order. Allysa, Krista, and I put our e-mail addies on the big card. He e-mailed me. I was like WOAH!! I didn't think he would. He sounds cool. Now I'm sitting here wishing and praying and hoping he gets on soon if at all. I hate this and I love this. "One thing about life, it goes on."
3-20-00 8:18pm
Life is...going. I don't want to go to school anymore to many weird things are happening there. Mike followed me up to my 7th hour class. Greg is getting too close to me. I can't even stand outside my 7th hour cuz I see the guy that reminds me of Blue and he walks WAY TO CLOSE to me. I swear I almost fall over. I just had my GS meeting at my house. It was fun I guess. I think too much at night when I go to bed. I don't understand anything. I don't know why I miss Blue so much everynight I don't talk to him. I don't know why I can sense if he's going to get on or not. I don't want to realize that Nicki and I really haven't talked in days and days. In a way I want to meet someone new and fall in love all over again. But in a way I want to just stay where I am and stay head over heels for Blue all the time. I stopped talking to Dave, he was makin me think all fucked up. Paul e-mailed me back. He's cool. Blue is my anchor so I don't get lost and far away from life. I feel like I'm still anchored but he's not pulling me back as I'm walking farther away. But look at the bright side, I'm not lost. I'm having my down hours and my wanna be happy hours. I think I just need to talk to Blue. But maybe I just need to learn to depend on myself. ::looks at buddy list:: I know he's not going to get on. I hate myself. I need a life.
3-21-00 8:34pm
So school was school today. Nothing special nothing great. I was happy though. I thought I was finally going to talk to Nicki after God knows how many days of really talking to her. So I get home and do my English mask, call her up and no one answers for like 5 rings then Leo's there again (not bad) then she has to go like 5 minutes after she got on the phone. OK I realize she's busy with the play and shit. Grease plays this and next weekend. I need to talk to Nicki. I told my parents about it and they told me all this stuff. I never really thought we'd actually be like we are now. But hey change is a bitch that bites you in the ass. After today it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me. Friendship is a volunteer position I'm not going to force her. I could live without a best friend I think. Might be a hell of a lot different than it was a month ago but I think I could live. I'm getting closer and closer to writing Mike telling him everything. It just...sorta feels like everyone's leaving me. But hey I mean nothing lasts forever. I can deal. I've been through everything from my dad coming this close () to dying, in fact he did die they just brought him back, to having the threat of moving to a state across the country and leaving everything I've ever known. Both and everything inbetween have made me cry atleast once and scared the shit out of me. I'll live. So where am I now? where the hell am I going? "All my friends and lovers, leave me behind."~CC
3-22-00 9:49pm
I'm better I got e-mails from Nicki and Blue this morning. That's all I needed, an e-mail from my 2 bestest friends. School was school nothin extra great. After school I talked to Nicki for a long time on the phone. It was great. This weekend isn't looking...fun? But I guess that's ok, it means I get to stay online every night and for the most part sleep a lot. Part of me still thinks about Mark. How is he? Why exactly did he just decide he didn't want to talk to me anymore? How's Spoon doin outta the hospital? Mark'll always be in here ::point to chest and head:: It's one of those...inevitible things. As is Blue and Dave. They'll always be somewhere close inside, no matter what. There was a faculty/senior basketball game 9th hour today. I went. It was ok. I had a freaky dream last night. It was like a guy mixed between Blue and someone else. With that Scott guy from the Family TV channel's "Higher Ground." It felt real, the dream. When I woke up I expected to see that guy at school or on my street. I dunno what's been happening but for the past couple of weeks I've been having a lot of dreams that I remember. I wanna see a movie, and I wanna finish the book I'm reading and go to the library and get a bunch more to read. Those blue and pink dice....
3-23-00 8:49pm
I'm in a happy/hyper mood. I have no idea why. Nothing huge to be jumpin off the walls about but I am. Today was normal. Blue's been online all day but like not at the puter. Makes me mad. I ACTUALLY HAVE PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND!!! Well that's about it. laterz
3-25-00 11:07pm
I'm pathetic. I'm the most pathetic person I know. I can't live without a guy-guy for more than 4 days. It's only been fucken 4 days and I miss him already. I miss him, attention, affection, and love from a guy. So today I went with Nicki to see "Here On Earth" it was ok. Depressing, ok. I wonder how Mark's doin. Prosak prolly already moved...I'll miss him. Elizabeth's dad has cancer, her mom has phemonia or however you spell it. Nicki and I went to a book store and Nicki picked up a "Blue's Clues" book and read it's title, "What Can Blue Do?" and I said me. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I need to stop depending on Blue. I need to get a life, that's what I need. The world is fucked up. People fuck other people over WAY TOO MUCH. The things I've been hearing that people do to people. Makes you wonder why so many people live in this world anymore. I can't believe people. I'm depressed as all hell, I'm pathetic, someone shoot me. "I'm just so tired of waking up alone."~OLP
3-27-00 9:24pm
Today was a good day I think. Nothin really happened. I went to my aunt's house for dinner. And here starts the 4th quarter. I miss Blue but you already knew that. OLP reminds me of him. "Hey is anybody home? Has anybody wasted fear on bedroom walls that save us from ourselves?"~OLP
3-28-00 9:06pm
HIT ME SOME MORE!!!! COME ON RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!! A COUPLE MORE TIMES!!!! COME ON I WANT YOU TO!!!!!!!! I'm depressed as all hell. Things like to be rubbed in my face. Like how much people change and how fucked up this world is. So today Nikki was bragging about how she lost it to Derek on Sunday. ::once great image shoots to hell:: And everyday I get to hear about Mike from Jenni. I even get to read the notes he writes her that basically say that he can't live without her and he loves her and he's so happy he's met her and he can't stop thinkin about her. I get to see that guy who reminds me so much of Blue EVERYDAY at school, walking TOOOO close to me. And I don't get to talk to Blue. I'm learning how much of a jerk Dave really is, and how I fooled myself into thinking...believing he was better inside. Everyone fucks over everyone, Jon's right. Prosak prolly already moved. Hope he has a great life. Maybe I'll run into him when I'm 60 in a supermarket, prolly not. The book I'm reading...well the brother dies. I feel sorry for a fucken character in a book. I keep thinkin about Mark and why exactly he just deceided never to come back. What did I do? Waht did he realize or hear? I've read our last convo atleast a dozen times looking for an answer. I don't think I'll ever know. Nicki and I are damned. That's all there is to it. Dreamers are meant to follow their hopes and be down there on the ground. AOL is the place for people like Nicki and I. This stupid machine has made my life. I gave it my life the day I signed on to this dream machine. THIS STUPID DREAM PRETTY HATE MACHINE!!!! Everything right now in my life is from this...piece of metal. I don't know what my life would be without it. Goddamned stupid machine.... "Your attention please all passengers, with confusion and comfort we live our lives but your reality has consequence."~Caroline's Spine "Attention Please" this stupid machine's song....
3-29-00 9:10pm
I'm tired and cold. Tomorrow I'm goin to that puter workshop all day from 8am to 7:30pm. I hope my mom doesn't make me get off soon. I'm talkin to Blue :o)
3-31-00 10:54pm
So I talked to Blue the other night. Prolly will be another week till I talk to him again. "You've got your ball you've got your chain tied to me tight."~DMB. I'll live, I always somehow do. I went to the play tonight. It was funny and good. Now I'm sitting online with nothing to do and no one on. School's been normal. I should make the hater page but I dunno, I kinda don't. I hate sorta knowing something big is going to happen soon but not knowing when and having to wait. Like hopefully falling in love again. Saying that makes me think of Blue and Mark. I wonder how Mark is. Hope he's doin ok. There's a fire at General Mills, right behind my house. They still don't have it under control. Hope things turn out ok. Kevin had a fire in his bedroom yesterday. Destroyed everything in there. God I don't think I could live without half the stuff in my room. ::sighs:: I'm bored. Elf was on earlier. He got off. Nicki's prolly doin the play thing. Blue is anywhere. My sister is at Casper's with Katie, Adrienne, and Alan. Hope she's having fun. I might go to bed soon, I'm getting tired and I have nothing to do. "I waited"~OLP
4-1-00 11:47pm
I just found out...I'm pregnant!!!! I can't believe, I mean I didn't mean to I just...it just happened. No one knew, not even Nicki or Krista or anyone. I prolly lost a lot of respect from everyone. I'm sorry. April Fools! haha I prolly got atleast half of you. I'm NOT pregnant. I'm jokin. I'm bored. I miss Blue. Nothin to type really. I saw "Whatever It Takes" with Nicki today. It was good, funny. Where is everyone?!!? God I hate when no one is online!! ::misses Blue:: "Tied to me tight tie me up again"~DMB.
4-4-00 9:31pm
happy b-day Kristy, my sister. Today I went to Target and Brownstone with Kristy, Kevin, Adrienne, and Katie and my aunt and parents. It was ok. I got to talk to Blue last night which made today better. Now I'm in a depressed mood. I'm really happy for Krista, I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I hate aol and my stupid modem. My puter sucks ass. Oh well life goes on....
4-7-00 9:44pm
Nothing much has been happening. I think my puter went to hell. It keeps signing me off and deleting things on it's own. I been talking to Blue off and on. The party is planned, it's on April 14th. A week from now. It should be cool, but I'm not promising anything. I just got back from seeing "Down to You" again, this time with Krista and Allysa. I'm wondering why she didn't spend it with Dave. The pay phone at Northtown rang twice when we were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Krista and Allysa answered both times. It was funny. Allysa had a pimp shirt on. I'm kionda afraid to. I'm sitting here watching this candle burn. No one's online. I hate always wanting a "big love." I mean Blue's one half way. But I'm not going out with him, I want someone like Mark. I wonder how he is. Yea I still think about him too. I'm bored. I think I'll go through my mail and e-mail D back for the 2nd time. He finally e-mailed me for the first time this week. Cool. Depression is so close. I'm not gonna give in...then again.... Going in all directions...out..... "I'm your lover, I'm your zero."~SP
4-9-00 7:53pm
I'm so tired. I got back from the mall overnight at about 5:30am, went to bed around 6am. I slept till like 1:30pm. I'm still tired. The overnight was great. It was boring in the beginning cuz half the stores that were supposed to be open weren't. So Allysa, Krista, and I all sat in the tub and played cards. There was a REALLY hot guy working at the pretzel shop thing. Then Audrey came and found us and led us to the 2 guys who were playing their guitars and singing RIGHT in front of our campsite. Their names where Scot(20) and Donovan(19). They were REALLY good and hot heheh. I got autographs and e-mail addys. Allysa invited them to my party this Friday but they said they were going to Columbus but to e-mail them when we have the next party and they will play. They also said if they ever become famous my troop and the other one that was sitting there the whole time watching with us will get backstage passes. They sounded just like the Bare Naked Ladies when they played "If I Had A Million Dollars" and "Brian Wilson". And just like Tonic when they sang "If You Could Only See." I couldn't believe it when they played "Crash Into Me" by the Dave Mathews Band. Scot sounded exactly like Dave Mathews. Donovan reminded me of Blue. They made what would have been a boring night great. We got autographs, pictures and e-mail addys from them. It was great. Now I'm sitting here listening to "Higher" over and over and over. Grandma Book, Aunt Annette, Kevin, Adrienne, and Grandma and Grandpa left after Kristy's party. I'm tired. I miss Blue (yea I know you saw that coming). You know how you feel after you know you just made great memories in the past 24 hours? Yea well I feel like that. And just think, Friday's the party. "At sunrise I fight to stay asleep cuz I don't wanna leave the comfort of this place."~Creed
4-11-00 7:41pm
Nothin really has been going on. 9th graders are taking these Standford tests in Science periods. Maggie, Meghan, and Melissa have Science before and after lunch so I eat alone all week this week. Today Zack from my English Honor's class sat with me and talked to me cuz he didn't have anyone to sit with either. He's really cool. Softball practice was cancelled today. I keep getting a headache atleast once a day. Or like today I had one all day, still do. I'm tired, I've been tired a lot lately. I'm going to a doctor's appointment week from today to check out my head. Last thing I need is something wrong with my head. I was going to go over to Krista's to practice throwing and catching, then my headache wouldn't let me. I seriously think Allysa's cheating on Dave. That makes me really mad. She better not hurt him. Nicki's at Katie's spending the night. It sucks our spring breaks are 2 different weeks. It really blows. Communication with Nicki has been bad this week. It's like she's with her group of friends in Rossford and I'm with mine here all the time. :o\ That's bad, that means we could grow apart. That's really bad :o( I haven't talked to anyone really, 'cept Krista. I hope we have Softball practice tomorrow night. I should go to bed soon. 3 days till the party. "Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me, whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring...."~Toad the Wet Sprocket
4-13-00 9:18pm
I can't wait till tomorrow night. Today was our first softball practice. I'm tired and ache. I haven't been outside actually doing something in a long time. I just got off the phone with Nicki. It's great to have a best friend. I'm so tired. I e-mailed back Mark. Love...geez it's really somethin. I hope the party rocks. It should. I haven't talked to Blue in a while. Tomorrow should rock. I'm tired. I'm goin to bed.
4-16-00 1:15pm
The party last night was kick. Most of the people I invited came. It went pretty well. I'm at Nicki's now. We rented movies and baked (homemade) cookies. No one is online. I'm bored. Spring break is here. It was nice outside today. I miss Blue. I want an e-mail back from Mark. I wonder how Dave is. I'm going to stop typing now. bye
4-16-00 11:18pm
So I get home from Nicki's at like noon. I'm bored out of my mind all day. I watch "Joe's Apartment" with my sister. I'm bored more. I watch the new MTV movie "Jailbait" and I think when I get online after it Mark or Blue will be on and we'll talk all night cuz they could be on Spring Break now, too. And tonight would be a great night. That shows how completly off an imagination can go. Mark nor Blue were on, they aren't on now. I only got an e-mail, a forward, from my dad. My modem keeps kicking me off and my dad was talking about Florida at dinner tonight saying how Nicki would have to fly down during the next Spring Breaks to see me. I miss Blue. I don't even want to e-mail him cuz I know I have a 1 in 50 chance he'll e-mail me back OR read it in the next week. Mark still hasn't responded, shame on you Niki for believing things might go back to normal with him. All I got when I got online was an IM from Dave. He's busy he says. NO ONE BEING ONLINE IS DEPRESSING AS ALL HELL!!!!!!!! If this is what summer is going to be like then please shoot me now. Feels like Blue's drifting so far away he doesn't even care anymore. I get teased with Mark's e-mail. And here I am. It feels like the still before a storm. Good or Bad the storm why doesn't it just get over with already. Irony of what I just said is it is supposed to rain tonight. ::looks at buddy list:: Why can't he just be on? What is he doing? It feels like I've been lead on by everyone. NOTHING'S THE SAME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! FUCKIN CHANGE!!!!!! THEY FUCKIN HAD TO CHANGE!!!!!! WELL KISS MY ASS CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::looks at buddy list again:: Not even Alex talks to me much anymore. He gave up on me. Hell I would give up on me if I could. I can't walk away from the past. I'm a wanna-be walk away. I can't leave the fucken past behind. I don't even wanna think about the summer. ::looks at buddy list again:: GOD NIKI YOU ARE FUCKEN PATHETIC!!!!! You spent all day hanging things up in your room and doing homework that's due a week from now. And you still thought about Mark when "Anything" by 3EB came on and still thought about Blue when "Otherside" by the Chilli Peppers came on. And Dave, I don't even want to think about something I keep thinking I need. I just need Blue to come and save me like he always does. I just need things to be back the way they were. "Would you catch me if I was fallin?"~CC
4-17-00 10:50pm
So I wake up pretty early for me this morning. I eat breakfast and check my mail. I get an e-mail from Blue. Saving me of course. So I go to the docter get tons of new medicine. Go to lunch with my mom, dad, and sister. Get home have a feeling get online and Blue's there. Well duh I got the feeling. So anyways we talk and I am happy off my ass. He says he has to go but he'll be on later tonight. So I go out with my dad and get like 7 movies and 3 new CDs from the library. I try as hard as I can to kill time till I can talk to him again. Hardly watch "Good Will Hunting" and "Reality Bites" cuz I'm so excited about talking to him tonight. I get on and he's not on. So I respond to his e-mail pouring out more of my pathetic feelings. He gets on right as I finish it. Says he's bad and he has to redownload all 4 hundred whatever the fuck songs he DLed off of Napster that got deleted so he can't talk tonight. Fuck that. So I blocked him. You know I love being hurt and tossed aside. OH and being lead on is the greatest. Gives me reasons to hate myself and wonder what
I did wrong. Lets me think about how EVERY SINGLE FUCKING GUY I've EVER known has hurt me. EVERY ONE!!!!!!!!! Dave, my dad, even Mark who I thought never would even dream of something like that. AND THE MOST STUPID PATHETIC FUCKEN THING IS...I forgive them EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what the fuck they do. And that my people is why I suck. That's why I hate myself. I can't fucken distance myself from people who hurt me. I just keep running back for more. Well someday I'm not going to. You'll see. Yea I know I'm feeding you shit and you're laughing. HEY PEOPLE I'm here whenever you need me, happy to talk to you, you can use me WHENEVER you want!! You can brush me aside and not give it 2 fucken thoughts and I'll crawl back for more. You just watch me. Now if you don't mind(like I'd stop anyways no matter what you said) I'm going to download songs and I'll be WAY to busy to talk to you. Songs are more important. Well duh Niki you always knew that huh? And you wonder why you doubt and are paranoid about things. Why you can't believe that he'll actually get on just cuz he said he would. FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! Someday I'm not gonna be here to use whenever you need me.
4-22-00 12:31am
ok people this is officially well for now my babbles are at www.opendiary.com type in SyN under the words jump to a diary or somethin like that. go read and comment! later
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