Ralph Wiggum is the son of Police Chief Wiggum. He loves to eat paste and is probably brain damaged. He loves Lisa, but she doesn't love him. She once gave him a valentine that said, "I choo-choo-choose you" and had a picture of a train on it because she felt sorry for him, and he drove her crazy with smothering. She held it in until he announced that she was his girlfriend and that he loved her and was going to marry her, and then she broke his heart on national television. But they remained friends.

He says the funniest run-on sentences. When the school finds Mrs. Krabapple and Principal Skinner making out in the janitor's closet, he tells his parents, "Today in school, there were teachers in the closet and they were making babies and I saw one of the babies and one of the babies looked at me." Then, when Homer gained 50 pounds to get on disability, he said to Lisa, "Hey, Lisa, I heard your dad went to a restaurant and then he ate all the food in the restaurant and the restaurant went out of business." Lisa retorted, "Hey, my dad may be a little overweight, but that doesn't mean that he's some food-crazed maniac!" Just then, Homer drives by in a hijacked ice-cream truck, sucking frantically on an ice-cream cone, on his way to save Springfield from nuclear holocaust. Ralph is really funny.

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