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And on the Eighth Day... God Created Pop-Tarts.

Earlier today, I was asked to look over the high school class list and decide what classes I might choose for next year. All of them seem pretty stupid to me. For example, who needs Algebra 2? No one's ever going to come to my door and be like "I am x years old. My brother was one third as old as me five years ago, and he is one year younger than his friend, who is half my age." Another perfect example is chemistry. The only time I'd ever use chemistry is if I got arrested for kicking too much ass and they left small quantities of sulfer and liquid nitrogen in my cell, and I could mix them correctly and break out. However, by far the stupidest class on the whole list is Food Prep. You learn how to make food... not only would it be boring as hell, you'd never need it! Come on, Albertson's sells Pop-tarts, the food of the Gods!!

See, even good ol' Jesus enjoys Smores Pop-Tarts! As far as I know, that picture you see above was taken by the Paparazzi, and Jesus was just eating the Pop-Tart because he enjoyed it. However, it might have been an endorsement deal. In this crazy world, everyone sells out, and who wouldn't want Jesus to endorse their product after all of his miracles and shit?

I'm sure that those of you who actually gave it any thought think that Pop-Tarts were invented in 1972 by Kelloggs workers, whose names are yet undisclosed. You're wrong! You see, all life began as breakfast foods... Life began 2 billion years ago (or whatever) when soggy Corn Flakes began to inhabit our oceans. No one really knows what came next, but new evidence is starting to point to either Count Chocula or Kix. Anyways, I'm sure your teachers have told you this shit millions and millions of times, so I'm not gonna lecture you on how life began. The only real point that I have is that if you look at any science books, it will state that the first intellegent life was called Homus Poptartus. Here's a picture:

Wow. That's really scary. Thankfully they evolved... if we had a world of Homus Poptartuses running around, we'd all be in trouble... Of course, that was long ago. There was even a time when cherry Pop-Tarts were the only ones made.

That was not the only thing the Pop-Tart family ever did for civilization. In fact, the Pop-Tart's closely related cousin, the Toaster Strudel, had a very important leader named Albert Einstein who did some shit and helped us win a war or something. Yep. You heard me. Albert Einstein's a Pop-Tart! I could get arrested for posting this, but I'm going to post it anyways, simply because I kick maximum ass. I even kick more ass than the Cat in the Hat, and that's no easy task. I should join a crime-fighting team, featuring me, Albert Einstein, the Cat in the Hat and Leonard Nemoy from Star Trek. Now that would be unstoppable. (Don't tell him this, but I think that guy might be a Hot Pocket... there's kind of been a rumor going around about it.)

Yep. Point proven. School has no point. Life is about Pop-Tarts and doing the Hokey Pokey. Nothing else matters. You know what? James Hetfield from Metallica should rewrite the song 'Nothing Else Matters' to be a little more truthful. Everyone knows this 'forever trust in who we are' crap is bullshit. It should be... hmmm... 'Toasted Pop-Tarts, no matter how hot... The frosting and filling, they both mean a lot. Forever trusting in the Kellogg's brand... and nothing else matters!' Wow, I'm cool. That's about all I have to waste your time with right now. I'm done. Just remember: you suck.

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