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Symbolism is Stupid

Hey, you know that one 'Drops of Jupiter' song? Did you know that it's NOT about a rocket ship?! I sure didn't before today! It was on MMUSA, and I said 'What a stupid song. Why would you write a song about a rocket ship?' The Iraqi priest who I always watch TV with looked at me really weird before calling me stupid and telling me it was symbolizing a love song! Love songs are even stupider than rocket ship songs!! And symbolization is even stupider than both of them put together! When I told the priest that, he started doing a rain-dance so I pulled out an AK-47 and shot him and he died. Fuck, I'm awesome...

Another perfect example of stupid symbolism is the song 'Like You' by Custom (who, by the way, totally kick ass.) Anyways, the whole opening sequence is a metaphor! How retarded! Poetry art takes space and confuses people. It goes:

'Sitting in an empty house
On a simple chair in the corner
Of an empty room
On a wooden floor
With nothing between here
And where I came from
Except for a girl
Waiting for a bus
With a leather knapsack
Over her shoulder
And hope in her eyes
And enough beauty
To fill this empty room
A thousand times
Like you...'

Isn't that stupid?! If I was Dane Loverdal, aka Custom, which I practically am, then I would sum up that whole paragraph to 'Where I came from, there was this one chick and she was really hot and you are too so let's go make out.' Then make a bunch of weird chicken clucking noises and sound bytes of Mr. Magoo saying 'your mother' to fill up the time slot before the chorus, which is simple and sweet. By the way, don't you think me and Dane Loverdal look a lot alike??

I can't even tell the difference!!

Alright, I can't get over how much we look the same, but it's time to move on. Symbolism has been causing trouble for people since there were people to cause trouble for... wait... what was that? Wow I lost myself there. But, this shit dangerous. Did you know that it wasn't really barbarians that brought down the Roman Empire? Guess who it was. That's right... symbolism. I don't know how it happened, I just know that it did okay?!

I don't think we can fight off this thing though... it's just too powerful. It can make people cry or go crazy... no, I think we're just going to have to avoid symbolism. There's going to be no army on this one, so I'm just going to have to tell you an inspiring story this time... here it goes.

One day, I was sitting in history class. We were learning either about Toaster Strudels or the Civil War, but I can't remember which one. All of a sudden, that fat bastard is like 'Yes! He was symbolizing courage!' I hate that word, so I turned into Gary Coleman and said 'What you talkin' bout, fatass?' I got sent to the office, and then I found I couldn't change back! I was stuck as Gary Coleman! However, everyone in the class thought it was funny so they put in a good word for me in Hollywood. The next thing I know, I'm up in Hollywood making a Gary Coleman movie!

Everything was going great... until that one fateful day. You see, during my movie career I grew quite fond of Snuffleupaguss... and one day, I asked it to marry me. I was rejected. You see, to Snuffleupaguss, I was just a toy. This made me so mad that I changed back into myself from Gary Coleman. The movie crew wouldn't hire me back, so I lived in an alley for the next few weeks. But one day, I heard a voice from heaven. It said 'Sean! Sean! It's me! Willis! I'm talking to you from beyond the grave even though I'm not dead yet!' I got kinda freaked out, but then he announced that this new band the Offspring were looking for a drummer! I didn't play drums, and I still don't, but I tried out and I was accepted. Then, they figured out how much more ass I kicked then them so they threw me out in Dickinson, North Dakota, where I was adopted by bitchy parents and got grounded for lighting stuff on fire... that's where I am today.

You see, the moral of this story... wow. It doesn't have a moral. Never mind. I was a little stoned on Livewire when I wrote this... sorry hehe. But now I'm out of time, so we'll just pretend that my speech was inspirational okay? Thanks a lot.

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