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Exercise is for Quitters

Yesterday, when I was throwing a mad fit at something or another but I can't remember what, I accidentally proved something. It was probably the most important thing I've ever proved! You ready to hear it? Of course you're not! Let's do something to prepare for the suspense... *cue dramatic music* Okay, here it goes. *Drumroll* Adults are always like 'Don't quit exercising! It's so good for you! In fact, don't quit anything!' Here's where they're wrong. You see... exercise itself, is something that only quitters do!

Hear me out on this one. Okay, you're sitting at home watching the Berenstein Bears, when all of a sudden, your stupid ass mom bursts in and she's like 'Go get some exercise!!!!!!!!!' How many kids do you know who would jump up right away and be like 'YAY!! EXERCISE!!' That's right. None. Kids just go 'Rot in hell' or 'Eat a dick.' So you argue with your parents for a while, and some people actually let their parents win! So, they go outside and exercise, knowing that they're only out here because they stopped arguing... and they only stopped arguing because they're quitters.

Yes, that is an actual photo of my mom. She's a giant ant who wears parachute pants and carries around bullets everywhere. I still havent' crumpled to exercise, and I guess that's just because I'm way too cool! All I do the whole day is sit around and watch reruns of Family Fued. That's how cool I am! Wait! Something just hit me! I just found a way to drop out of school and get on drugs and never get in trouble!

Alright, listen to this! Pro athletes always come on your TV and they're like 'Don't do drugs. Don't quit school. Never quit anything. I never did.' Yeah they did! They quit fighting for their right to be lazy fatasses! So tecnically, they're being hypocrites! Yeah! I win again! For all we know, after their commercial, they go backstage and do everything they just told us not to do! So, if you want to be like your hero, I'd say it's safe to take what they say and do the exact opposite. I'm so awesome.

See, it's reasons like this that parents are starting to lose faith in the Olympics, so I have a better idea. I'm going to form a new sport thing. We're not going to lie about what we do. We're just going to sit around, eat Funions, drink Shasta Creme Soda and watch Mr. Bean movies the whole day. Oh, we might also set a fire or two. But, people will come from around the world to watch us get fat. It's going to be really cool. Now for a name. As far as I know, the people who chose the Olympic name just made up a word that sounded cool. So... my games will be called... hmm.. the Fulupamagook Games. Wow I'm a genious.

Okay, the three main events in the Fulupamagook Games will be eating, drinking, and watching movies. Who ever can eat the most, drink the most, or watch the most TV without moving wins. Of course, if anybody but me wins they get disqualified. Sounds fair, right? Of course it's fair, I made it up. There will also be subdivisions for fire setting, monk killing, and midget eating. Wow, this is going to be awesome.

With all that said, you can try out for the Fulupamagook Games by dialing 483-0935 and saying 'Sean is the coolest person ever. I wish he was my boyfriend. He's just so awesome. And his parents can rot in hell. Fire rules!!' and then hanging up.

Alright, this is going to rule. That's about all I have to say right now. Exercise is for quitters. If you exercise on a regular basis, you suck.

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