Hey! Did you ever see that movie 'Darkman'? It was on USA tonight, and MAN was it cool! You have to see this movie! Okay, here's what happens...

1. These one people are sitting in their secret lab or something, when a bunch of other people come in! All of a sudden, they're blowing up cars and chopping off fingers and shit! It's awesome! Oh, yeah. Then there's this one fat dude in there, too. I don't know what team he was on, but he kicked SO much ass!!

2. The scene flashes to this one guy's house, or lab or something, where him and this other guy are messing with this one stuff! All of a sudden, they're screaming about the dark, and the scene ends.

3. Okay, you're in that one guy's house again, then all of a sudden all these other people come in and start lighting bombs and all this other cool stuff! The main character gets the SHIT blown outta him and the others leave.

4. Next thing you know, the main character's Darkman and he's going after these one bad guys. In the end, they're flying this helicopter and Darkman does all these flips and he wins!

I'm sorry if my description wasn't specific enough for you to understand. See, that's about all I understood on this movie too. Oh, wait! There was this one part where a guy at this carnival thing wouldn't give him a stuffed elephant, so he went all beserk and broke the guy's hands off! That was my favorite part, next to when he broke into the orphanage and ate all the kids... wait, no, I made that part up.

Who gives a shit if 'Darkman' doesn't make any sense. I didn't understand 'They' either but... oh, wait, I DID understand 'They'... it just blew!!

Seriously, 'They' is the worst movie I have ever seen!! It's about these one monster things that eat little children, who by the way are chosen at random. Oh, wait, never mind... they don't eat the kids! They just MARK the kids so they can eat them 19 years later, when they can drive and have guns and shit.

See, the 'scary' idea for this movie pretty much followed the one from 'Darkness Falls,' except for that 'Darkness Falls' is honestly the sweetest movie I've ever seen! Even better than 'Darkman.' Anyways, they can only get you in the dark, but not when your under your covers! This little dumbass kid at the start sees his closet door open, and sees one of them standing there! He ducks under his covers for about 20 seconds, then comes back out! He, of course, gets eaten because he's such a dumbass!! God, I could kick that kid's ass!

This movie was supposed to be scary, right? Well it's not! The stupid producers didn't even leave you with any belief that it might be real! You know what I'm talking about! 'The Ring' had the tape. 'Darkness Falls' had that creepy lady's face. 'Fear dot Com' had the whole website thing. This movie had NOTHING to come back and haunt you. It basically says 'We left no reason for you to believe that this might happen to you. So, in a sense, we just wasted the last two hours of your life. Haha.'

GOD I HATE THAT MOVIE! I hated it so much that I jumped into the screen and beat up all the monsters, then I beat up Ethan Embry because I hate him so much. Okay, if I was a little gargoyle, I would go out and get drunk and shit, not eat little kids! How exactly did they get to this? Here's my theory:

(Opens up in They're lair, which is only one room, even though it was supposed to be super scary.)

Gargoyle 1: Roar! I'm a gargoyle!

Gargoyle 2: Roar! Me too!

Gargoyle 1: What should we do?

Gargoyle 2: I dunno I'm kinda hungry... maybe we could get jobs as sideshow freaks or something. That would fund us enough to get hamburgers. People would love to see us.

Gargoyle 1: Na, let's just go out and eat some little kids!

Gargoyle 2: Good idea... wait, let's eat dogs and stuff instead. Dogs don't have guns. Dogs don't have armies!

Gargoyle 1: No dammit! I SAID LITTLE KIDS!!!

Gargoyle 2: Okay, fine... how should we do this?

Gargoyle 1: Well, event though we're supposively an ancient race, we have links to every closet in the world! Even though closets were created WAY after us!

Gargoyle 2: Great idea! We can wait until they open their closet to get a shirt and then eat them!

Gargoyle 1: No... what if it's light out?

Gargoyle 2: Who gives a shit if it's light out? It even said in the movie that we only hunt during the night so they don't see us. It doesn't matter if the kid sees us when we eat them!

Gargoyle 1: No, let's find a kid with a REAL SQUEEKY closet, and then open it during the night and eat him!

Gargoyle 2: Naw, why don't we just mark them so we can eat them later?

Gargoyle 1: GREAT IDEA! Let's go!

(Scene closes)

GOD I HATE THAT MOVIE! Anways, back home for more articles!