Guess what?! CHICKEN BUTT!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Alright, now that that's out of the way, I can get started on my newest article! I was walking down the street today, just glorifying in my own coolness, when all of a sudden, I heard a robotic voice talking to me!! I started screaming, thinking it was a robot, then I looked, only to see it was just Spencer, our neighborhood's creepy old guy. Apparently, I had stepped on Spencer's lawn, and now we was gonna try to kill me! I got scared at first, but then I remembered 'No. He can't kill me! He's to disabled!' Now, this is the point in the conversation where a normal, caring individual would feel a rush of sympathy and tend to the faggot's every need. Well, I'm not a caring individual, so guess what? I threw rocks at him! It was SO cool! Well, until he dropped dead on his porch. Then it stopped being cool and started being kind of funny... until I realized something. My neighborhood needs a new creepy old guy!!

I started auditions, hoping to find someone, but after Mr. Magility took a piss in my fish bowl and Mrs. Johnson ate five red pens, I discovered this wasn't going to work. So... the next creepy old guy in the neighborhood would have to be me.

See, this is perfect. I'm already kinda creepy. I hate people who are younger than me (little kids). Did I mention I hate little kids? God dammit, I do. Anyways, I'm also really lazy. And it's been brought to my attention that old people with metal teeth are really creepy, so next time I get my braces changed... guess what?

Damn, I look awesome. By the time I'm old tho, that fantasy hair and my long ass beard will be gray. OH! And this one time, in the mall, I saw an old lady with her hair dyed pink! No lie!! It was creepy as hell! I'll streak my hair and my beard both multi-colored. That will be creepy. This is going to work out better than I thought...

Hmmm... a peg leg wouldn't hurt either. Actually, anything that can make you kind of a pirate doesn't hurt at all. Pirates kick ass. Next time I have to get my leg chopped off, I'll ask for a peg leg instead of one of those gay looks-like-a-real-leg fake legs. I hate those. All they are is wannabe legs. Haha, if I ever see someone with one in, I'm going to go up to them and be like 'Wannabe leg!! Wannabe leg!! I'm so much cooler than you because both my legs are real! SQUARE!!' God, do you know how much it rules being better than everybody else? Haha, of course you don't, you're not me.

Of course, I'll need a voice synthesizer or however the hell you spell it. But, instead of the popular robot-talk, I'm going to set mine on a Swedish accent. And if I don't need a fake voice box, I'll get one anyways, just for the sake of being creepy. And having a bird's nest in my hair wouldn't hurt either.

Okay, we're set. I have everything I need to be a creepy old guy. Except for one thing... a gimmick. You know, when you see those movies with creepy old guys where a kid throws a ball over the fence by accident, and and tries to get it, only to be stopped by the other kids yells. 'No! Don't go in there! That's Crazy Old Man Willicker's house! I heard he kidnaps kids and skins them!' Damn, that's a good idea, kidnapping and skinning, but I think that's been used before... maybe by the Buttercream Gang. God, I hate those little queers. They ruin everything for everybody. There was this teacher who used to call me and my friends the buttercream gang, so I lit her on fire and ate her puppy. HEY!! That's a great idea!! I'll light people on fire then eat their puppies!! 'No! Don't go in there! That's Crazy Old Man Templeton's house! He lights people on fire then eats their puppies!!' Dammit, that sounds awesome! So, we have a plan.

Here's how everything looks right now. I'll have really long hair and a really long beard with multicolored streaks in it, a pirate leg, a Swedish voice box, and a bird's nest in my hair... oh, and an inanimate object to talk to. Hmm... okay, I'll be friends with the broom, enemies with the dinner plate, and flirt with the candle. There we go! Anyways, I'll sit on my lawn with a slingshot full of rocks to shoot at people who walk by, and yell at them in gibberish while I do them. Then, when I catch then, I'll light them on fire and eat their puppies! What if they don't have any puppies? Well, I'll eat somebody else's puppies! This will work great!

And there you have it! A crazy old guy in a nutshell! That wasn't so hard, now was it? Man, I can barely wait! I'm going to go get started now! See you later!