The world is facing a time of the severities of war. Nobody knows exactly what to do, for there are no true leaders among the world council. Of course, this causes tragedy to sweep across the lands, in hope that someone, somewhere, has the solution.
Well, I think I may have found the solution! A perfect leader! Believe it or not, this time it's not me. The guy I have chosen is large and in charge, and he obviously knows what's going on. Many of you may have a picture in mind, but I'm sure it's nowhere close to who should really take over.
What does a leader need? He needs great speaking skills. He needs to be trusted. He needs to have pizazz. He needs to be able to dominate. There's so much we expect out of great leaders, you say. How am I supposed to find someone with all those qualities, you ask. Well, you don't need to, for I believe I have found the perfect leader for the world. Screw the Presidents and Prime Ministers, this guy is the real shabam... he'll rule the world. Now, enough waiting. Time to see your perfect ruler. For the purpose of you not seeing until the time is right, I'm going to type another sentance. Ready? You sure? You better be, because he's going to eat you if you're not! Alright, it's time... your new ruler...
OH YEAH!!! That's the shit! He's perfect! Let's take an overview of why he would be perfect.
-He has great speaking skills. I recall an episode of Sesame Street where he said 'Hello! Ernie is hiding in a box! Like this one! But it might not be the first one you see! NOW LET'S PLAY!' That speech touched me forever. I knew exactly what he was talking about. If you didn't understand this dialogue, you are a true idiot. He makes it much better than all of the presidents, who give you all that 'four score and seven years ago' shit that nobody understands.
-Everyone on Sesame Street trusts him. He even bounced back from his mass drugged up murdering spree, where he used a child as a pogo stick and ate the rest of them... that was his worst hour... anyways, they all love him. They formed a trust group... I'm not so sure about that Ernie though... he always defies authority just to be a punk. Take a look at this picture if you don't believe me!
Look at him! Sitting in his rebelious leather jacket with that guitar... he makes me sick.
-Anyways, big bird has pizazz. He has as much pizazz as anyone else on the Sesame Street crew. One time, he even walked up to Oscar and told him to stop being a grouch! I was so shocked!! And Big Bird didn't even look scared. It was so cool! Oh! And rumor has it he once had a bass on the set of Sesame Street! Not a rebellious bass... a pizzazity bass.
-He can dominate too! One time, him and Elmo got into a basketball game, and guess who won?! That's right! My man Big Bird! Well... it might have been because of his height advantage... which isn't exactly fair I guess... but why do you think he's tall?! He wasn't just born that way let me tell you that! It's because he can dominate.
-His name isn't George, John, or James. Those are the three most overused President names. John and James are to common and George is just gay. Almost as gay as Spencer and Theo. Anyways, I'm not sure if his first name is Big or Big Bird or what... I'm just happy it's not George.
-His Vice President is Cap'n Crunch! Everybody likes Cap'n Crunch! The kids are like 'Crunchatise me, bitch' and then he flies down with a sweet catch phrase like 'Now with berries' or 'you have been crunchatised!' Man, he's a pimp.
-Big Bird has never been arrested, except for his offenses in mass murder, bigomy (which I don't think is fair, he was financially insecure at the time), having bikini wax in North Dakote, arson, shoplifting, indecent exposure, and the 1998 slavery offense. That's a good record, considering he has to deal with all those little kids all day. Did I mention I hate little kids? Well I do.
That's about all I have to say about this right now. I think we should nominate Big Bird for the next Presidential Election, don't you?
