When you read this title, you must have been amazed completely! Aerosmith blows so bad, it's hard for somebody to hate something more than them! Well, I have come across it! Something very faggish, someone who everybody hates! Here it goes... here's the ONE thing I hate more than Aerosmith!!
It's... it's... god damn, what was it? Hmm... was it old people... no. Was it... people who smell... naw, that's not it. You know what? I don't think there's a thing in the whole world that I hate more than Aerosmith! These guys just BLOW so much!!
Why does everybody love them so much? Because they're old and classic? Because Steve Tyler has monstrous lips? Or is it just because people take comfort in knowing that Aerosmith sucks even more than them...? Ah! I think I found it!
See, I came to this conclusion because there are SO many classic rock bands better than Aerosmith. Like, I hear this Audioslave is pretty damn cool... However, everybody shoots down Audioslave because they're a new band, but they just sound old... So I thought about the perfect classic rock band to replace Aerosmith!
The Kingsmen! For those of you who haven't heard, these guys are possibly the most drug-addicted band in history, next to Alice in Chains and Cher! Their motivation comes from when they're stoned, which led to such songs as 'Louie, Louie' and 'Jolly Green Giant.' See, 'Jolly Green Giant' is about a giant who's jolly and green, and Louie, Louie is about... I dunno, really. Boat trip? Yeah, that's it. It's about a boat trip in terrible grammar. TERRIBLE. Who cares, they're still way better than Aerosmith.
Aerosmith DOES have a few good songs though. I don't know the names, but I'll see if you can help me out. I like the one where it starts out with that drumline and he's like 'Can you feel that... oh shit...' Then he starts making all these monkey noises and coughing noises and sings about some disease or something! MAN that's cool! And then I love that one where he's like 'I've been waiting my whole life for just one ACK! And all I wanted was just one ACK!!' I like that one too! Damn, those are some good songs... oh, silly me!!! Those aren't Aerosmith songs! Those are Disturbed songs!! Golly gee willickers, how could I be so silly?
Wow Disturbed kicks ass. In just about every song, Dave Draiman makes all these weird noises, which include 'A-wa-ah-ah-ah-ah,' 'Ack,' 'Ow-ow-ow,' 'SooooAH,' and 'Vla cha!!' Dammit they rule!
People will argue that they aren't old enough to compare with Aerosmith. Well, they were going to be performing at the same time, but God saw that me, the most perfect person in existance, wouldn't start listening seriously to music until 2000, so he delayed all their births so I could be into them.
Everybody has so many arguments about this... why don't I just break this down for you to make it simple. Here it goes!! Disturbed verses Aerosmith!
VERSES
Well, first of all, we'll start off by comparing their lead singers. Dave Draiman is short. Everybody loves short people. (So what if I contradicted myself there.) He also has SWEET chin rings! What does Steve Tyler have... big lips? Well, you can't take big lips off and stab people with them can you? Therefore, chin rings are better. Also, Steve Tyler can't make the noises. And if he can, he chooses not to because he's a pussy. Now Dave Draiman has gone through TWO serious esophagus surgeries because he coughed stomach acid up to his throat making noises! Now THAT's dedication.
Now, onto the battle of the guitarists. Disturbed only has one, therefore, we'll only go with Joe Perry from Aerosmith verses Dan Donegan. Donegan has longer hair than Perry, because long hair is better than short hair. Except for in the case of Dave Draiman verses Steve Tyler. Then short hair is better. Now, honestly speaking, have you ever heard Donegan wail on a guitar? It's seriously sweet!! Not to mention that thing he can do where he doesn't move any part of his body but his hands... yeah, I can do that too. Joe Perry blows. He only got Guitarist of the Year seven times because people felt sorry for him because he'll die way before me. And when he does, I'll go to his funeral and look at his body and be like... 'HAHA! You died!!'
It's bassist time! Fuzz from disturbed verses Tom Hamilton from Aerosmith... well, in the name category, Fuzz DOMINATES. I mean, come on people, his name is FUZZ!!! Fuzz also looks like a cat, and everybody loves cats! (If you don't, just think of a cat as a pussy.) And Tom Hamilton... now that's just gay. The only good thing about him is he plays a Fender Squire. Yeah, he didn't use to, but then he saw that I played it and knew he had to switch. Fuzz's main guitar is an Ibanez Ironman, which has the Believe sign on it! ANYTHING with the Believe sign on it suddenly becomes cool... haha, notice how I have it in my school planner? Here it is for those of you who don't know:
Damn, that's cool! The only thing cooler than that you can have on your guitar is... well, me! (By the way, I'll go on people's guitars for 30 bucks an hour.)
Now onto drummers. Mike Wengren verses Joey Kramer... say, isn't that The Seinfeld guy? I think it is. It looks like him anyways. Mike Wengren looks SO cool. Except he used to look gay, with his long gotee. Now, he looks more like a Stud-o then a Mike. I'm getting tired of writing so to cut a long story short, he's better than Joey Kramer.
Now, let's take an overall look. Disturbed sings about murder, violence, world corruption, ect... while Aerosmith sings about love. Dammit, love is gay. Disturbed also has a better CD cover, which can be seen above. Oh! And another thing. I've been to a Disturbed concert, and just being in the same room as me makes Disturbed a hell of a lot cooler. Oh, by the way, if you're ever in a room with me you can finally be cool...
Well, that's it for now. Am I right or what?
