chapter thirty-five
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Chapter Thirty-Six
I don’t know what had come over me. This was Brian, my best friend for years. He just seemed different somehow. His lips were still on mine and I was in Heaven. He was leaning me down to the bed with his body. I should stop this. I was acting irrationally. I needed to stop, but my mind and body wouldn’t let me. Hell, my mind and body didn’t want to let me.
Once we were laying back completely onto the bed, he looked me in the eye. “Is this ok with you, Nikki?” This was my chance. It was such a simple question. I could have stopped it right there. I just nodded. He smiled and resumed kissing me.
We made love. As simple as it can be stated, we made love. It was like an out of body experience. Everything about it was perfect. I was lying in his arms afterward thinking about it. “I love you, Nikki.”
Without hesitation, I replied. “I love you too, Brian.”
He kissed my forehead. “I’ve always loved you. At first, it was a crush. Then, it was friendship. That was years ago though. Well, of course, I still love you as a friend, but it’s been so much more than that for so long.”
I smiled up at him. “Why have you never told me this?”
“It was never the right time. It was never appropriate. I didn’t plan for this, but it seemed the perfect time to tell you. When I was writing all of those songs, I realized how much you meant to me. I couldn’t stand to go any longer without telling you. I finally told the guys about it two weeks ago. They told me that if I didn’t tell you when you were here, that they would.” He laughed softly. “I love you.”
~<3~<3~<3~
I awoke as I felt Brian slipping out of my arms. “Don’t wake up, baby. I just have to go to soundcheck for the show. I have a surprise for you when you come later.” He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Sleep now. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I smiled and fell back asleep as he walked out the door.
~<3~<3~<3~
The phone was ringing constantly. I had been ignoring for nearly an hour, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at the clock. It was almost noon. I picked up the phone. “Hello.”
“I’ve been trying to reach you, Nikki. My god, go downstairs. There’s a limo waiting for you.”
“Wait, Denise, what’s wrong? You sound horrible. What happened?” She sounded frantic, and I was getting a growing pain in my gut.
“Just go downstairs. Get in that limo. I’ll tell you when-“
“No, Denise, tell me now. I need to know now. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
She took a long breath. “There’s been an accident. The boys took a limo to their soundcheck. It was a horrible accident.”
“Oh my god, Denise, please tell me everyone’s ok! Everyone has to be ok!” I was practically screaming now. I felt tears in my eyes.
“No, Nikki, it was terrible. Kevin, Nick, and Howie are already gone. AJ and Brian are in the hospital. The doctors don’t think they have long. You need to go downstairs right now. Get in that limo so you can get here in time.” I hung up the phone immediately. I threw on the closest thing to me. It just happened to be Brian’s t-shirt and a pair of my shorts and ran downstairs.
As I entered the emergency room of the hospital, I was stopped by police officers. They held me back with other people who had heard of the accident. Denise saw me struggling to get through and made her way to me. She grabbed my arm and pulled me through the group and past the officers.
Once we were to the private waiting room outside of AJ and Brian’s rooms, I sat in one of the chairs. “I never thought anything like this could happen, Denise. I think I need to sit here a second before I go in. It didn’t feel real until I saw all of those people and the hospital corridors. They’re really gone aren’t they? Nick, Howie, and Kevin are gone.” Denise nodded and sat in the chair next to mine. She placed her hand on me and rubbed circles on my back. I stood and took a deep breath.
Denise drew in a ragged breath. “They think AJ has less time than Brian. Maybe you’ll want to go in there first.” She pointed to his door. I nodded and headed to his room.
Nothing could have prepared me for the site in front of me. There were no tubes or wires. I knew that they wouldn’t put him on any life support. He looked so calm and peaceful. All I could see were a few cuts on his forehead. He must have heard me enter. He turned his head slowly and opened his eyes to look at me.
The corners of his mouth moved up. “And you always told me that smoking would kill me.” I tried to laugh, but it only came out as a whimper. “You take care of my baby, ok? And tell her that I’ll always love her.” I nodded. “And tell Cat that I love her. She made me so happy. I was a fool to let her go.”
“Can I hug you?”
He smiled wider than before. “Of course. I’m on so many painkillers right now that I won’t feel a damn thing.” I laughed and approached his bed. I leaned down and put my arms around him. I rested my head on his chest. He placed one of his hands on my back and one on my head. I listened to the soft beat of his heart.
“I love you, AJ.” When I could no longer hear his heartbeat, I moved his hands from me and stood to look at him. He was so peaceful. When I turned around, Denise was leaning against the doorframe. I assumed she had been there for a while. I walked to her with tears streaming down my face. She held me and let her tears flow freely.
She brushed my hair out of my face and wiped the tears away with a tissue from her pocket. “Brian’s probably waiting for you.”
“I don’t think I can do this again.” She kissed my forehead and led me to his door. “Thanks.” She nodded and headed back to the waiting room.
I took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Brian’s room. Just as AJ, he had no tubes or wire, no life support of any kind. He looked perfectly healthy. His injuries must have been internal.
“Hey, beautiful.” I blushed as I approached his bed. “It doesn’t seem fair. We’ve finally come together after all of these years. Now we’re taken apart.” I bit my lip and nodded. “Remember how I said I had a surprise for you?” I nodded. He grabbed something off of the table by his bed. “I bought this for you a long time ago. I know you remember when we saw you again in England. When AJ and Howie had called to say they saw you, I stopped at a little boutique and bought this. I was going to give it to you when we went to your apartment. Then, Hailey was there. It was a little bit of a surprise, and it seemed like it would have been a little inappropriate at the time. I was so scared when we couldn’t find you. That’s when I knew I loved you.” He opened the small box. “I’m sorry that I can’t get on one knee. I know that we don’t have time to be married or anything, but I still want you to keep the ring forever. I had been planning how I would propose and everything. I guess I can still say it at least. Nikki, will you marry me?”
I cried and held out my hand as he placed the ring on my finger. “I love you, Brian. Yes.”
“I’m so sorry, Nikki. I can’t promise you forever. I can’t even promise you tomorrow.”
I placed one finger on his lips. “Just promise me right now, and I’ll promise you the rest of my life.” I kissed his lips gently, then his forehead. He moved over slightly in the bed, giving me room to lie next to him. I put one arm around him and rested my head in the crook of his neck. “Am I hurting you?”
“No. Can I ask you something? No one will talk to me. How are the other guys? I couldn’t tell at the time. I blacked out almost instantly. I know it’s not good if no one will talk to me.”
I bit my lip as it quivered. “Brian…”
“Nikki, please. I know you would never lie to me. Tell me the whole truth. I deserve that.”
I nodded slowly. “They’re gone, Brian. AJ just passed. The others were gone instantly.”
I looked him in the eye as he nodded slowly. “I’ll see them soon enough.” I felt tears coming on again. I laid my head back down. He sang softly in my ear. It was the song he had written for me, and I knew I would never hear it again.
I felt his spirit leave a few hours later, but I couldn’t move yet. Once I felt strong enough, I slid out of his arms. I kissed his cheek and left. I played with the ring on my finger as I walked out to the waiting room. His family hadn’t made it in time. I sat in one of the chairs and breathed in and out, slowly and deeply.
~<3~<3~<3~
The funerals were held in each of their home states, but there was also a special service for them in Orlando. I was asked to speak at it, having been so close to all of them. When it came time, I stood and walked up to the podium.
"How do I tell you about the five greatest guys to ever live? They've had more impact on my life than I ever could have imagined..." As my voice went on, my mind was flooded by the memories.
…and I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go, every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do…but I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go…deep within I’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you, I know I can’t be with you, I do what I have to do…and I have the sense to recognize, but I don’t know how to let you go…
chapter thirty-five
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