Good Grief!
Grieving is a part of life and
is necessary for accepting the
inevitable losses which occur during the
typical life cycle of most people. When
attachments are formed with family
members, friends, spouses, homes, jobs,
we will eventually have to let go of
that person or thing. Choosing to let go
represents the ultimate pain of grief.
It is not surprising that grief is
denied by most until we are confronted
head-on with a loss of our own.
Research in the area of bereavement
indicates that the grief process
comprises a series of phases. As the
grieving person goes through each phase,
he or she develops coping skills and may
eventually reach acceptance of the loss.
Each person experiencing the grief
process moves through each stage at
their own pace and sometimes returns to
earlier stages during times of stress or
extreme fatigue. Sometimes individuals
get stuck at a certain stage and may
need professional counseling to assist
in completing the process. Developing an
awareness of the five stages of
bereavement may assist you in coping
with your own loss or in providing
support to significant others who have
experienced a recent loss.
The stages of grief are
generally described as
follows:
Denial and Shock: Since most
significant losses are unexpected and
sometimes emotionally overwhelming,
there is a strong tendency to experience
shock, disbelief and denial. These
feelings function as a buffer that
permit the bereaved person to process
the reality of the loss gradually.
Without this protection, the emotional
assault experienced in the early stages
of grief would be too intense to bear.
While the bereaved are not thinking of
anything but how and why the loss
happened, denial and disbelief offer a
short temporary retreat from the awful
reality of the loss. This phase can last
from a few minutes to many days, but it
usually passes to the second stage of
grief.
Anger and Guilt: Once the
bereaved person grasps the reality of
the loss, frustration, helplessness, and
deprivation all create feelings of anger
and hostility, which are often directed
toward others. In many situations, the
bereaved person feels anger at being
left to handle everything alone. Guilt
also plays a large part in most losses.
This guilt may be a memory of something
that should have been done or a
persisting feeling of guilt that may
stem from regret associated with a
lifetime of rejection or other hurts.
When a person is stuck at this stage,
professional counseling can assist the
individual in coping with these feelings
in an appropriate manner. Counseling can
provide the opportunity for the
individual to properly ventilate these
feelings within the therapeutic
relationship and can assist the
individual in directing anger or guilt
toward some purposeful goal.
Withdrawal and Despair: This
phase may be experienced by many as the
worst period of the entire grief
process. It is a time of withdrawing
from others, of feeling the need to be
alone, and feeling helpless. At this
phase many individuals may experience
depression and seek professional help.
Despair is experienced at this stage
since all the crying, yearning, and
searching of the previous phase have
failed to regain the loved person or
object. As the sense of despair grows,
exhaustion takes over the mind and body.
This is a time of turning inward, of
reviewing both the loss, and the impact
it may have in the present as well as in
the future. It is a time of coming to
grips with the finality of the loss. At
this stage individuals are often
fatigued and need more sleep than usual.
Because of the considerable stress
experienced at this phase, the bereaved
individual may be more prone toward
physical and emotional illnesses. In
order to move on from this stage, the
individual must restructure their
identity and life to adapt to changes
created by the loss. When the individual
demonstrates the ability to turn their
attention to looking and planning ahead
for the future, the next phase of the
process has been reached.
Healing and Hope: Since
experiencing a major loss is for many
like experiencing a major wound, the
healing phase is the most important
stage in resolving grief. This is the
stage when the individual learns to
accept the loss both emotionally and
intellectually so that he or she may
rebuild their life. This stage consists
of forgiving, forgetting, and gaining a
sense of control over one's life. During
this phase, the individual makes plans
for the future despite the loss and as a
consequence experiences the first
glimmer of hope since experiencing the
loss. When the bereaved can look ahead
to the future, the final phase of grief
is reached.
Renewal and Acceptance: After
the bereaved individual has come to
grips with the loss, developed new
coping skills and has set about to
replace the loss with substitutes, he or
she moves on to the final phase -
renewal. At this phase the individual
resumes their life at a new level of
functioning. When this level is reached,
the individual appears markedly improved
and well on the way to a new life which
they have worked to obtained. This is
not to say that the individual is the
same person as before the loss but in
this phase of the loss, the pain, for
the most part, is gone.
We will all experience the grief process
at some point in our lives.
Understanding its purpose and importance
may assist in the completion of each
stage, and, as well, may foster personal
growth. The general information
presented here is not intended to
replace the advice of your physician. If
you have questions or would like more
information on this topic, please
contact your physician.
NOTE: I cannot take credit for this
page. If you find it here and it's your
own research, please let me know and I
will give credit where credit is due or
if you should so wish, I will remove it.
Madrigal Moonchild
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