Well, now I don´t know where to start..
That´s the biggest problem with being away from the updating..
You keep pushing it in front of you for different reasons, and
when the time finally comes around, you have to think hard
about what you´ve actually been up to.
And hopefully, you come up with a thing or two, but if things
are really bad, you realise that you haven´t done anything worth
mentioning.
Although...it´s not really that bad, at least I´ve done something
since the last entry.

Yep, an IRC-gathering came along after all. Though it looked
gloomy at the time, after spending November and December
planning the first one, preparing and looking forward to it and
then having to mourn it´s cancellation.
However, another opportunity showed itself when two valiant
sisters opened their arms to us, and hence, another gathering
was within the passing of 24 hours set to take place on
December 27th.

That´s almost a month ago now, but it feels like more.
Much more.
It´s always the same - when looking back at those two, three or
maybe four days, depending on the situation, they always feel so
far away.
This one lasted three days. It might sound like a short time, and
when looking back at it, it is.
Sure enough, time flies while having fun, but still, the days pass
with the blink of an eye, and then a week later the whole thing
starts to fade away like... yes, like we really were followed by
Langoliars devouring our yesterday.
(And maybe we are :)

It´s not like I´ve forgotten about it...no, that isn´t the case.
More a feeling of distance. I guess it´s because of the energy I
put into those gatherings...
Not sure if it´s any good, but I´ve started to see them as more
and more important over the months.
And those feelings take a lot of energy and emotion.

First of all, it´s a sweaty experience. I´m always nervous when
going there the first time, getting off the train.
It´s like looking for that lady you´re going to blind-date. All you
know is brown hair, white dress and a rose she´s going to have in
her hair. Uncomfortable.
And it doesn´t get better once you see them either...


Ahhh...that must be them... To my advantage, I saw the Santa-hoods
from the window, so I knew the direction in which to turn.
Walk casually...not too fast, not too slow.
Am I smiling?...Or am I Clint Eastwood again? The lamb or the lion...
should I smile?
Oh, that´s Viktoria, no doubt about it. She´s tall...I tend to notice when
people are, as I´m used to them being shorter than me. I expected her to
step out first did I not? I knew she would. Did I think about it at all?
Sure I did.
Ahh, Beatrice...what a smile... Is she smiling at me or at the situation?
Her eyes... Is she looking at me as a friend or a stranger?
I can´t make heads or tails out of it.
And how am I looking at her? Am I looking at her? Still?
Come on boy, better move those eyes.
Ulrika? Yes damnit, she exists, in the flesh... A body to the spirit.
She looks happy...
And she even makes footprints in the snow as she walks on it...
Is that Elisabeth then? Yes, well...admit it, you knew her looks from the
picture right away. But how come she´s so pretty and innocent-looking?
Where´s the girl that could stick a knife in your chest and walk away with
a smile? Oh, give her a chance man...this isn´t IRC...

"So, Mr Eastwood, you´ve got ´em all covered. Would you like to hug
them, shake hands, or say hello with a smile?"

Oh, let me touch them, make sure that they´re real...make it last, and not
drift away. But still...what about that stranger-feeling?

Viktoria again of course, takes my torch as I´m not sure what to do with
it.
But I did wave, didn´t I?

And we walk away.
Yep.
Now I´m smiling.

Yeah. It gets better eventually.
Now, about the growing importance...
As I spend so many hours online, as IRC is such a
big part of my life...
I should try to get the most out of it, explore it all the way to the
bottom, or what to call it.. and that includes meeting the persons
with whom I speak.
Now, gatherings cannot be held more than a couple of times
every year, so when I´m there, I always feel that I should try to
get as much out of it as I´m able to;
Making every moment last, committing it to memory, and so on...

Just to be there, face to face, looking into their eyes, hearing
them breathe, having them around. Let it last, leave it be.

But it doesn´t last. The situation as it appears IRL, requires
something to be said.
Don´t be quiet.
Don´t be a bore.
They must be regretting it already.

But it´s always like that. Our attempts to sustain happiness ends in
failure, taking a lot of energy and leaving nothing behind to enjoy.
But maybe I´m on the wrong track...
Don´t try to keep them. Look forward to them, but let them arrive
in their own time.
Enjoy them, and let them go. But don´t forget them.
Because...

Those moments of happiness and perfection that we´re so
eagerly looking for are short...the hasty orgasms when we finally
feel we´re floating above, enjoying it all, being King of the world.
Everything waits, time stands still...
How, oh How to make it last?
And then it is over... Jesus is gone, you no longer feel his hands
on your head.
We can´t sustain it...

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