Christian Humor
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the
world. There are those who wake up in the morning and
say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then
he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good
news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the
air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -
Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man,"sorry about the delay. It seems
as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in
my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the
center of attention.
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy.
It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll
get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy
comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in
at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to
play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who
can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star
Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular
organist!
_____________________________________
HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS
The Dentist's Hymn:...............
-------.Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.......
-------There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:..........
-----------.The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:..................
------------.Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:.................
-------.There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:.............
---------.Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:........
----.Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:............
-----------.I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:................
-------------..Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:............
--------------Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:...............
-------------.Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:..................
--.I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn..........
------------.He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:.....................
------------.The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph......Precious Memories
