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Distributed by Way of Strife Literature's Parody Service. These articles can be spread around on BBS or Internet sites without express permission from the author. In fact, we would encourage you to do so! Just link back here if ya could, please. This material can be spread on good websites like, but if someone like MAD Magazine wants to use it, they really should hire me first. This is a listing for Christians who are trying to live out the faith being saved by grace, not the legalistic ravings of fundamentalists et al. Our goal is, as everything else a Christian is supposed to do, devotional. However OUR PRIMARY PURPOSE IS TO PROVIDE INFORMATION TO ASSIST CHRISTIANS IN THE BUILDING UP THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST THE TROUBLE THAT CLOUD AND OTHER FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE STIRRING UP IN THEIR APOSTACY. And if it takes parody to do that, so be it! If you desire to receive this type of material on a regular basis, let us know and we'll churn out more! And it won't be implied that you see our ministry as proudly as Cloud sees his that we'll ask you for a donation, either.


June 14, 2000 (David W. Cloud, Fundamental Baptist Information Service, XXXX XXXXX XX., XXX XXXXXX, WA 98277, -- While most of the music produced by Majesty Music of Greenville, South Carolina (headed up by Ron and Shelly Hamilton), is excellent, we must warn that some of the newer recordings are moving in a contemporary direction. This is particularly true of the newer Patch the Pirate children’s tapes.

Darth Sidious sez: Uh-oh... "Bruddah Cloud" is gonna warn us about sumthin'...

The Mount Zion Marathon tape for example, has a song titled "Lazy Bones," which is certainly akin to rock music. It uses a syncopated rhythm with a heavy, synthesized bass. The music would be right at home in a nightclub or a sleazy Broadway play and could easily conjure up such unwholesome images as that of a saucy woman sauntering across a stage. Though it is tame compared to much of the standard CCM fare today, Patch the Pirate’s "Lazy Bones" will help develop an appetite in children for worldly music. Other examples of this can be found on their new tapes.

Darth Sidious sez: We are presently trying to secure a copy of "Lazy Bones" to compare it to Cloud's claims. We wouldn't have to do this if Cloud had exercised any journalistic logic by CITING the actual "questionable" lyrics! This is either sloppy, or an act of conscionable withholding of facts. In either case, it shows how shoddy Cloud's efforts have become and how he is ill-suited to be so highly cited a source of information. By his (in)action, Cloud becomes less a "reporter", and more a "propogandist". Joseph Goebbels would be proud. Then again, some of Cloud's diatribes against Catholicism do hearken back a bit to "The Poison Mushroom" and 1930's German movies like "Die Jud Suss".

Even so, one can hardly imagine something eliciting images of nightclubs and a "saucy woman" in the minds of young children... perhaps because at that age very few young children even know a decent pick-up line.

If Cloud has problems visualizing such "unwholesome images", perhaps he should confront them between himself and God instead of what psychologists call "projecting" his angst against an innocent target.

Some will doubtless protest that I have no right to judge Majesty Music by my own opinion of what is or is not worldly, that they themselves see absolutely nothing wrong with the new Patch tapes. I readily admit that there is much that is subjective about music, and that it is sometimes difficult to nail down precisely what is and is not wholesome.

Darth Sidious sez: he can't justify it with Scripture. Now Cloud goes into his "Little Pope" mode and proscribes according to his own opinion. Cloud does this quite often: when something goes up against his "Bible believing fundamentalist" mores, he will justify his attack based on a church-based doctrine and not the Bible.

"So let it be written, so shall it be done"

Folks, it's way past time we started letting Scripture determine doctrine, instead of doctrine determining Scripture. Cloud does this chronically.

This being the case, isn’t the wisest approach to avoid all appearance of evil, to be certain that we offend in nothing? Instead of taking this wise path of avoiding every semblance of worldliness and maintaining only the most unquestionable standard for music, though, Majesty Music is pushing the musical boundaries for the fundamentalist and Bible-believing Baptist churches that use the Patch tapes, subtly and gradually moving them into the CCM sphere.

Darth Sidious sez: if the "fundamentalist and Bible-believing Baptist churches" are all that's gonna be hurt, let 'em hurt... and die if necessary. Better to lose a few gangrenous fingers from the hand, lest the Body of Christ suffer their poisons.

Cloud once again speaks of preserving "the church", as an institution of his design, rather than having his mind on things heavenly. For it is written...

Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.) For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ... (Philippians 3:19-20)
Cloud minds earthly things WAY too much, certainly enough to interfere with his "ministry". OUR "ministry", on the other hand, is intended to interfere with HIS interference... while preaching about Christ with a joyful (yet serious) heart.

Books published by Ron Hamilton’s father-in-law, Frank Garlock, plainly condemn the use of worldly music to serve a holy God. Dr. Garlock observes: "It is absurd to think that one can unite Christian lyrics with the medium of the world (rock music) and expect the meaning and communication to remain the same" (Music in the Balance, 1992, p. 31). Yet this is exactly what Patch the Pirate is doing with songs such as "Lazy Bones."

Darth Sidious sez: but does Cloud back this up with Scripture??? He's looking to the counsel of men, against his own prohibitions. Why do this? After all...
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness... (2 Timothy 3:16)
If you can't back this up with SCRIPTURE, Mr. Cloud, then you have proven yourself quite the hypocrite.

Dr. Garlock says it is absolutely untrue to claim that music is simply a matter of personal taste (p. 7). He carefully describes the characteristics of worldly music. He defines rock music by its rhythm and quotes British sociologist Simon Frith, "The sexuality of music is usually referred to in terms of its rhythm--it is the beat that commands a directly physical response." That is why rock music is so incredibly popular. It literally feels good; it affects people on a sensual level. And let us be reminded that rock music is not defined by how fast the rhythm moves. Rock music comes in a wide variety of speeds, but the slow or soft rock of "Lazy Bones" is just as much rock music as the soft rock of many of the Beatles tunes.

Darth Sidious sez: this is WAY too good!! Cloud cites sociologists describing a psychological reaction... when Cloud has CONDEMNED psychology on numerous occassions (he calls it "psycho-heresy").

Consider the following warning by Dr. H.T. Spence, president of Foundations Bible College & Seminary. Dr. Spence is a fundamentalist historian and teacher who has taught music, history, and theology for 25 years. He received part of his music training at Bob Jones University: "The simple, soft music of Patch the Pirate Goes in Space has mutated into an eclectic fashion of contemporary sounds in The Misterslippi River Race (the first of the recordings which caused much alarm from many Fundamentalists.) ... the next recording in the series, The Calliope Capers, literally increased the eclectic approach to the music, with just about every song written in a different style of contemporary music" (Dr. H.T. Spence, Confronting Contemporary Christian Music, Foundations Bible College & Seminary, 1997, pp. 138,140).

Darth Sidious sez: again, Cloud's sophomoric journalism skills at work. Why doesn't he cite the friggin' lyrics???? And where's the Scripture?? He hasn't used ANY yet!

Don Jasmin, editor of the Fundamentalist Digest, adds this warning: "The Fundamentalist Digest editor firmly believes that children who become ‘addicted’ to ‘Patch’s’ music could develop a light frivolous approach to Holy Scripture and sacred Biblical truth. This does not mean that he believes Bible truth must be presented in a boring and dull manner! He believes that the strategy of Bill Mason and the Children’s Bible Clubs in Greenville, SC, is vastly superior in both its Scriptural teaching approach and musical methodology to that of Ron Hamilton and the ‘Patch the Pirate’ clubs" (Don Jasmin, Fundamentalist Digest, May/June 2000, p. 21, P.O. Box XXXX, XXXXXX, XX 21922. XXX-XXX-XXXX).

Darth Sidious sez: that's right, and we wouldn't want to jeopardize creating the next generation of the doctrinally lock-stepped, do we? "Biblical truth"? Yeah, that would be good if you guys would actually USE some of that yourself once in awhile.

Also notice the plug for this kind of material these guys do? And how they have to so "Christian-like" slam anyone not exactly precisely like them? Is it any wonder why they shouldn't be entrusted with the Gospel message of Jesus Christ?

Turns out that Cloud et al. ain't the only ones with a thing about Patch the Pirate. There's also the dude at, a site that revels in wanting to "kick the pope" ("And Jesus said, 'kicketh thou enemy when he is well in years, if thou hateth him with a passion, admonish your brethren to do likewise'"... this MUST be in the Bible for these "Bible-believers", right? Right???) If you want to see what another dude who doesn't have just a plank, but a whole fraggin' lumberyard in his eye, has to say about Patch, you can read even worse vitriol here. I declare, these guys flare up so much, Preparation-H can't help them.

June 11, 2000 Way Of Strife Literature