Okay, help me out here, I’m having trouble figuring something out. You see, a lot of people seem to think we’re crazy. Okay, so I’ll give ya that one, we are. But still, it’s not like we’re trying to make fun of Slipknot, or berate them, or anything. It’s just our way of saying, “Hey, we like these folk!” And speaking of Slipknot, and crazy, why do people think they’re crazy? Is it ‘cause they go onstage, bash each others heads in? Hell, we used to go and beat the hell out of each other for fun and laugh like hell, okay? Is it ‘cause Shawn has been known to hurl feces at fans? Well, no that would make a person (sic), not crazy, wouldn’t it? Besides, Echo has been known to fill a water gun with his own urine and shoot people in the face with it because they wouldn’t leave him alone. “Does anyone know how to get out piss stains?” Rain has chunked poo at cars. Oh, and also the infamous “poo on a stick” incident. Dipping a stick in dog poo, and then wiping it on annoying prep folks is fun. Tee hee. Oh, I know. It must be Mick’s fascination with serial killers. Wait, but just a few months or so ago, for about a month, the number one movie in the box office was “Hannibal”, a movie about a psychiatrist who had a tendency to eat his patients. Besides, people say Echo has a lot of the characteristics of a serial killer. Dammit, there goes Echo getting a date. All we know is, we like Slipknot. And if, by some weird twist of fate, they were to see this site (possibly from it’s mention in the “Slipknot Fantasies” section of the April 2001 issue of Circus Magazine; the editor actually said we were “the most amusing waste of web-space that Slipknot has dedicated to them yet”), we just hope that they like us as well.


Okay, we begin our lovely story with a drunken Shawn. Can there be another kind? Okay, yeah, so there could, and he probably doesn’t even drink, but still. More fun this way. Okay, a drunken Shawn is hobbling around the camper trailer.


Shawn: We gonna be playin’ us a game!!!


Crow: Game, game, game!!!


Rain: Yay, fun! What game?


Shawn: We gonna play “Fuck Sidney Jack-Daniels Wilson”!!!


Crow: No thanks.


Rain: Ummm....


Shawn: Some. Body. Is. Going. To. Play. With. Me. Now, who wants to play?


Joey: No.


Paul: Snort, no.


Mick: Grrrrr….nope.


Jim: Don’t think so.


Chris: Not today.


Shawn looks at Craig.


Shawn: How about you?


Craig: (silence)


Shawn: Hmmm….I take that as a yes. Come, let’s play.


Shawn reaches for Craig’s hand, and Craig jerks it away. Craig shakes his head no.


Shawn: Goddammit.


Corey smiles.


Corey: I’ll play.


Shawn and Corey go into a back room, where Sid has been tied up.


Sid: Buzzzzzzzzz….tied up……dried up…..and dead to the world……


Shawn: And gonna get fucked!


Sid suddenly stretches himself out, and the rope breaks. He flies out the window.


Shawn: Dammit!! Now what the hell are we gonna play?


Corey: I know what we can play!!!


Shawn: What?


Corey: We can play “Fuck The Goddamn Clown”!!!


Corey leaps onto Shawn’s head, and begins humping away.


Shawn: Get. The hell. Off. Of. Muh head. NOW!!!!!


Corey hops down.


Shawn: Oh, I feel so used….


Shawn and Corey walk back into the front room where the rest of Slipknot, and Rain and Crow, are sitting. Suddenly, the door flies open, and this balding guy with enormous ears and buck teeth walks in, and starts tossing out tubes of….something….


Big-Eared Dude: Oooooooooooooooohhh…..


Rain: Oh, hell.


Crow: I know that guy!!!


Big-Eared Dude: I hear your crack is red and achin’
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
A helpful cream is what we’re makin’
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here today
And when your bum is red and swollen
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Just put this cream upon your colon
Raymond’s here today.


Crow: Yeah!! Preparation H Raymond!!! You kick ass!!!


Rain: Omigod I love you!!!


Rain leaps into the air, and latches onto Preparation H Raymond’s leg.


Rain: Omigod, you are so cool!!!


Raymond: I’m just here to help.


Shawn comes over to Prep H Raymond.


Shawn: Well, maybe you can help me.


Shawn turns around, and bares his ass to Prep H Raymond. His ass is definitely red and swollen, along with the biggest fucking hemorrhoids anyone has ever seen. I mean, these things are the size of….well, let’s just say that if Shawn’s ass was the Grand Canyon (it’s not, I’m not saying it is, don’t get me wrong), then these hemorrhoids would be like Mount Everest, okay?


Raymond: Oh, this calls for the big guns.


Raymond runs out, well, as well as a person can run with another person attached to their leg, and comes back in with this big gray thing. He turns it on, and this gray thing begins sucking at Shawn’s ass. Finally, all the hemorrhoids are sucked off of Shawn’s ass.


Shawn: Ah, thanks dude!


Raymond: No problem. Now, as the song says
Just put this cream on your bootjack
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Guarantee they won’t be comin’ back
Raymond’s here, today.


Rain: Dude, do you have Preparation H all over you?


Raymond: Yes.


Rain: Ah, that’s what the hell this sick feeling shit that I’m sliding in is.


Suddenly, a little puppet dog, a Doberman I do believe, with a big bow tie and a cigar in it’s mouth pops up.


Crow: Omigod, it’s Triumph!!!!


Rain: Triumph’s fuckin’ awesome dude!!!


Triumph: Oh, yes. This camper trailer is great…….


Everyone: For me to poop on!!!!


Crow: Yeah!!!


Triumph: Oh, oh. What do we have here? Is this a little girl with red and black hair? Oh, come here little girl.


Joey walks over to Triumph.


Triumph: Why don’t you open your mouth so I can put my pink thing in?


Joey: No thanks.


Triumph: Oh, you beetch.


Joey: Don’t call me a bitch! I’m not a bitch!!


Triumph: Oh, I think I hit a soft spot. You beetch!!!


Joey: Arrrrrghhhh!!!!


Joey grabs Triumph, and tosses him out of the window. The door falls down, and in waddles a giant bear wearing a diaper.


Rain: Dude!!!! It’s the Masturbating Bear!!!!!


*Note To Readers - Okay, let’s show a little bit of the family tree here, shall we? Okay, Corey’s sister married one of Mick’s brothers, I believe that’s Sue Ann and Mitch, and they gave birth to, you guessed it, the Masturbating Bear!


The Masturbating Bear walks into the middle of the room, and proceeds to, well, masturbate. What else would he do? Well, Corey then walks over, and begins to join in. Suddenly, some big gray thing with pimp gear walks in. Omigod, it’s like a combination of a sixties robot and a seventies pimp….it’s Pimp-Bot 5000!!!!!


Pimp-Bot: I come to check up on my bitches, and satisfy all your itches.


Crow: Oh, kick ass dude!!!


Pimp-Bot 5000 walks over to Crow and Rain, who was forced to free herself from Prep H Raymond’s leg when he left.


Pimp-Bot: I’m gonna turn you out!


Crow: Uhm, huh?


Rain: He’s gonna make us be his ho’s.


Crow: Oh.


Crow looks around, while thinking about this a moment.


Crow: NO!!!


Pimp-Bot 5000 pulls out a switchblade, pushes the button to make the blade pop out, and puts it near Crow’s throat.


Pimp-Bot: Don’t make me cut you.


Crow: I don’t think this is fun anymore. Help!!!


Craig runs over, knocks out Pimp-Bot 5000, and throws him out the door.


Crow: My hero. Daddy!!!


Crow jumps up, and lands in Craig’s arms.


Crow: I wuv my dattie!!!


Crow wraps around Craig’s neck.


Craig: Dude, dude leggo. Cutting off circulation.


Okay, finally, we decide that we want to leave to go to the zoo. Shawn then pulls out the Stubby-Mobile, and we all pile into the Stubby-Mobile.


Voices From The Car: Get your elbow out of my eye!!! That’s not my elbow!!!! Oh, well get your hard ass dick out of my eye!!! Corey, put your pants back on!!! I always go to the zoo naked!!!! Hey, I have someone’s thumb in my mouth!!! Jim, that’s your thumb, isn’t it? Iiiiiiiiit iiiiiiiiiiissssssss iiiisssn’t it?


Shawn: Alright, shut the hell up so I can drive!!!!


Shawn pulls out of the driveway, and starts down the road. Yeah, strange as it may seem, we may have already mentioned this, the little Stubby-Mobile is actually faster than the Trak-Tour. Okay, they start down the road. By the way, this is one of those redneck dirt roads. Yeah, like everyone we know lives on the redneck dirt roads. That blows, doesn’t it? Anyway, Slipknot, Rain, Crow, about 49 clowns and a mime, are all cruising down the dirt road, when a car cuts Shawn off. Suddenly, they lose control, and swerve off the road.


Shawn: Why don’t you learn how to drive, bitch?


Shawn plows into the back of another car.


Shawn: Dammit. I only have 300 more easy payments of $4.99 to go on this damn car, too!!!


Rain: Dude, that was Judge Judy and Sally Jesse Raphael that cut you off!!!


Shawn: Goddamn bitches!!!!


We walk back to the Trak-Tour, and find a nice little surprise.


Sid: Buzzzzz….me and Mick put new motor in……put in lawn mower motor…..go twice fast now….


Mick: Grrrrrno….Mick put of new motor later in….steal from jet….


Crow: I thought they had the motor from one of those cars that you pull backwards and let go and they fly off, ya know?


Rain: Yeah, so you mean a rubber band?


Crow: Yeah! One guy behind the wheel, one guy pulling up and down on the rubber band, one guy pulling the rope on the back that does nothing, one guy pushing on the thing from behind, one guy blowing into the sail, and like four guys tugging on the oars!!! That’s how ya had to get the Trak-Tour to work!!!


Craig: Yeah, factory model. Came like that when we got it. Then we turned 12, put in the lawn mower motor, and used that for a while. Now, jet motor.


Mick hops into the driver’s seat. The rest of us hop into the back.


Mick: Grrrrr…seatbelts.


We all pull the hay twine around us and tie it.


Mick: (looking at Shawn) Grrrrr….hold onto your hemorrhoids.


Shawn grabs his ass, and Mick cranks the Trak-Tour up. He then gently presses the gas, and we dart forward about three hundred miles an hour. Eight seconds later, we have gone 80 miles, and stopped in front of a brown house. The occupant of the house steps out.


Raymond: Oooooooooooohhhhh
So when your butt is twice it’s size
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
I’ll make it shrink before your eyes
Raymond’s here, today.


Preparation H Raymond hops into the back of the Trak-Tour. Suddenly, a hint of raspberry fills the air. Echo floats up into the air, and latches onto Prep H Raymond’s leg.


Mick: (turning green) Grrrrdamn Preparation H Raymond…..die!!


Mick slaps Preparation H Raymond in the head.


Echo: Mmmmmmick!!!


Echo flies over and latches onto Mick’s leg. We drive for another 10 seconds, and we’re in New York. We pick up Martha Stewart, ‘cause she was in Studio 6A in the Rockefeller Studio. C’mon. Where was she? Yup, she was on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”!!!!


Martha: (stumbling) Damn I feel loose.


Chris: C’mon over here, baby!!!


Chris and Martha go into the very back of the Trak-Tour, and begin to, uhm, play ping pong. Okay, so they’re naked, too. And of course they have no paddles, no balls (except for Chris’ balls), and the only banging is of Chris banging Martha…okay, then the hint of raspberry disappears. Crow walks over, and taps Chris on the shoulder.


Crow: Can I join in?


Chris turns over.


Chris: No!!!


Crow: Dude! I saw Martha Stewart naked!!!


Chris and Martha stand up.


Chris: No you didn’t!!! Take that back!!!


Crow: Dude, check it out… Martha’s shaven… aw sick..


Chris: Yeah, I told her to do that!!! I like bald tacos!!!!


Crow: Yeah, at least they’re not like those damn nappy ass crow’s nests!!! Those things are nasty!!!


Mick: Grrrrr...look at me....little hair never hurt anybody...


Corey: Yeah, until you choke on it!!


Rain: Yeah, bald guys should just get some of those extra nasty hookers to sit naked on their head so that they’ll have hair again!!!


Crow: Yeah, and then they do that booty bounce thing from the rap videos!!!


Okay, finally we get to the zoo. We decide we want a tour guide, so we stand in line for an hour until we get….


Tour Guide: Crickey! It’s me old pals, Slipknot! And Rain and Crow! Crickey, look at those lil buggers! And they brought some friends!


Raymond: Oooooooooooohhh
You have a bump upon your butt
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
I’ll clear it up without a cut
Raymond’s here, today.


Steve Irwin: Crickey! It’s the notorious…


Steve dives and grabs Prep H Raymond in a bear hug.


Steve: Bum Smoothing Man!!! Crickey, this lil bugger lives inside of the colon, and ‘e comes out every month or so to eat the fungoids growing on a persons rear. Crickey.


Raymond: I am not the notorious Bum Smoothing Man. I am Preparation H Raymond. I travel the world giving out Preparation H to the people that need it.


Steve: (creeping around real low, circling Martha) Crickey, look at that!


Steve Irwin leaps up and grabs Martha in a bear hug.


Steve: This is the vicious Make Of Anything Using Pine Cone And Hot Glue Gun Woman!!!


Paul: Snort, long name. Nothing shorter?


Steve: Well, there’s always the species name.


Paul: Snort, whussat?


Crow: It’s the scientific name of animals. Like wolves are canis lupis


Jim: Cannibus?


Crow: No, canis.


Paul: Snort, I fucking knew that. I meant what was Martha’s species name?


Crow: The Noona Girl cat’s species name is Noodlemus-to-the Extremus. The Pretty Girl cat’s species name is Scabamus All-Overamus.


Steve: This creature’s species name is the….


Rain: Fake whore!!!


Steve: Dammit, this is my show! Let me tell the people what the species name is. This creature’s species name is the---


Rain: Fake whore!!


Steve: Quit that, mate!


Rain: (grinning) No.


Steve: Crickey, dammit!


Steve runs over and begins circling Rain. Rain starts spinning in circles to follow him.


Steve: Crickey! Look at that! It's the---


Steve Irwin goes to jump and bear hug Rain, but she catches him in mid-air with a bear hug around his head. They go splat onto the concrete.


Rain: (completing Steve's sentence) Bitch that's getting tired of your ass!!!


So, Steve Irwin leads us around the zoo, pointing out all the different animals and telling us strange, unknown things about them. We keep going around the zoo, and we stop at the baboons.


Steve: Crickey, this is the infamous baboon!! This creature is mostly known for it’s…


Joey: Hey, Crickey! Why does it have a giant red ass?


Steve: Crickey. Not many people know that the significance of the giant red ass is so that when a predator tries to eat them, they can make their ass flutter, so that the predator thinks that they have diarrhea, so that they won’t eat them.


Craig: Dude, I know exactly what you mean!!!


Steve: Crickey, loo’ at tha’! Oh, lemme get closer.


Steve Irwin wraps up Craig in a bear hug.


Steve: This is the nefarious Hammerhead Shark!!!


Craig: I am NOT a hammerhead shark.


Bob Villa, naked, runs by, chasing some squirrels.


Bob Villa: Mr. Pointy!


Bob Villa tries to poke Craig in the chest, and misses. However, Chuck Norris, naked, who is running behind Bob Villa, does not.


Craig: Asshole.


Joey: Crickey, loo’ a’ tha’!!! It’s the egregious Squirrel Fuckas!!!


Corey pulls out a cd.


Corey: Crickey! Loo’ a’ tha’!! It’s the Notorious B.I.G.!!!


Terrence and Phillip walk by.


Jim: Crickey!!! Loo’ a’ tha’!!! It’s the horrendous Uncle Fuckas!!!


Shawn turns around to check out a little kid’s ass.


Chris: (pointing at Shawn’s ass) Crickey!!! Loo’ a’ tha’!!! It’s the dreadful Assimus In-Dee-Maximus!!!


Crow: Hey, look!! The baboon’s have monkey toes!!!


Craig: Oh, shit!!!


Sid: Buzzzzzz….x…..what? Have to shit?


Craig: No!!! I have to SHIT!!!!


Shawn: Here, use these!!!


Shawn tosses Craig some Snapple bottles, Craig begins running off, and Chris Klein wanders up, looking rather goofy-lookin’ as always.


Chris Klein: Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo….


Rain grabs Chris Klein, and follows Craig. Craig wanders up to a door that says “Do Not Enter” and “No Admittance”. Craig rips the signs off of the door, and walks in. Rain shoves Chris Klein in behind Craig, and slams the door shut. Oh, well let’s see if we can’t figure out why there was a no admittance sign on the door, shall we? Oh, that’s why. There is a hyena pit in there. Well, the hyenas jump out and begin running towards Craig. Sensing no fear, or some form of evil radiating from him, they turn away and yelp. They then run over and begin eating Chris Klein. Meanwhile, Craig takes his shit in the bottle, and calmly walks between the hyenas, cradling the Snapple bottle like a baby. (what does that look like, does anybody know?) Craig goes back over, and joins the rest of Slipknot. We run around for a while longer, and finally, we come to the snake pit. Steve Irwin, Crickey, The Crocodile Hunter, That Jackass that plays with crocodiles, whatever you wanna call him, hops over into the poisonous snake pit. Steve pulls out some rats he stole from the endangered animals section.


Steve: Crickey! These here are the vile blue-haired rats!!! These creatures are the last of their kind!!


One of the snakes darts up, and eats the rats out of Steve’s hand.


Steve: Oh, crickey!! I can’t believe it did that!!


Steve grabs the snake and shakes it.


Steve: Crickey, give me back those rats!!! I need them for the circus show!!!


Shawn perks up.


Shawn: Circus?


Steve shoves the snake into Joey’s face.


Steve: Crickey, shove your hand down it’s throat and get ma’ rats!!!


Joey: Eeeeeeee!!!!!


Joey hops up onto a chair.


Joey: Eeeeeeee!!! Snakes!!!! Eeeeeee!!! Rats!!!! Eeeeee!!! Clowns!!!! Eeeeee!!!


Suddenly, Paul falls over into the snake pit, and the snakes begin to attack him and Crickey. Shawn then realizes that Joey is afraid of the snakes, so he tosses him in too. The snakes begin to attack Joey, as well. Craig jumps over the wall, calmly walks over, picks up Paul and dumps him over the wall. He then walks over, grabs Joey, and dumps him over the wall. He then proceeds to hop out of the pit.


Crow: Dude, you gotta save Crickey, too!


Craig: Do I have to?


Crow: Yeah, just to be nice. Besides, we need a guide, ‘cause we’re lost!


Craig grabs Crickey and dumps him over the wall, and hops out.


Steve: Crickey, how many bites did you get?


Craig looks down at his legs.


Craig: None.


Crickey passes out, and Slipknot, Rain, Crow, Preparation H Raymond, and Martha Stewart begin walking around. We go back by the baboon’s, and Prep H Raymond makes us stop. He then tosses a tube of Preparation H into the monkey cage.


Raymond: Ooooooooooooh
When your butt is big as two
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Use this cream, it’s sure to help you
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
All you have to do is try it
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
And if you want, I’ll help apply it
Raymond’s here, today.


The monkey eats the Preparation H.


Raymond: Noooooooooo!!!!!!


Raymond throws another tube in.


Raymond: Ohhhhhhhhh……
I see your pants are mighty lumpy
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
I know your butt is big and bumpy
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here


Corey: And if you want, I’ll even hump it!!!


Raymond: No. It goes….
Just rub this cream all over your rear
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
And don’t forget behind your ear
Raymond’s here, today.


Next, we move on over to the spiders. When we get there, Rain, the arachnophobe, climbs up Crow, perches upon his shoulder, and hides her head.


Crow: Mick! Smash!


Crow points at the spiders, and Mick clubs the spiders.


Rain: YAY!


Finally, we make our way to the front, drop off the half dead Crickey at the tour guide gate, and head outside.


Jim: Dude, where did we park?


Mick: Grrrrrrr….right here….


Shawn: GodDAMMIT!!! Where. Is. The Trak-Tour!!!


Chris: Here’s a note. “I stole your car. Ha ha ha. Take that, bitch. Signed, John Otto”


Crow: Goddamn Pillsbury Dough Boy.


Shawn: Oh, goddamn.


Preparation H Raymond steps from behind Shawn.


Raymond: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hear you like your music blarin’
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
And now your ‘roids and back and flarin’
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
The solution is really simple
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Reduce them ‘roids to a little pimple
Raymond’s here, today.


Shawn: Is that all you talk about? My fucking hemorrhoids?


Rain: I think Raymond is a bit confused about his hemmhoroids…


Raymond: Oooooohhhhhhh
I just want to be your friend
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Take this cream, make your suffering end
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
Show your ass who’s really boss
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
(pulls a small white box out of his back pocket and hands it to Shawn)
And don’t forget to use some floss
Raymond’s here, today.


Shawn: I don’t need your floss.


Raymond: Ooooooohhhhhhh
Feel like I’m one of those Bundy’s
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
‘Cause I forgot to wear my undies
Raymond’s here, today.


Shawn: Okay, whatever dude. Oh, damn. There’s the fucking Trak-Tour over there!!!


We all run over to the Trak-Tour, only to find John Otto and Kid Rock making out in the back seat.


Kid Rock: Now, flip over bitch, so I can fuck that nice sweet ass of yours.


Craig: Fucking sic, dude.


Shawn: Damn, and people think I’m nasty.


Mick tosses Kid Rock and John Otto out by their hairy, genital-less crotches, and dumps several hundred gallons of bleach in the back of the Trak-Tour.


Mick: Grrrr…..get in!


We all get in, but Crow refuses to sit.


Rain: Sit down, dude!


Crow: NO!!! (motions at clothes) BLACK!!!!


Jim: So?


Jim grabs Crow and shoves him down on a seat.


Later, At The Casa De Slipknot...


Shawn has decided that he is GOING to watch “The Price Is Right”. Bob Barker’s old, gay, horny ass is onscreen.


Bob Barker: And don’t forget to have your pets spayed or neutered!


Shawn looks over at Sid and Joey. Shawn begins grinning. He goes in a back room, and comes back out with one of those cat carrier things. He throws Joey and Sid in there, and all you can see is their faces smushed up against the bars. But that’s another story.


Ooooooooooooooooo
So we have now, ended our story
Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here
And now I get humped by Corey
Raymond’s here, today