Check it out! There's a definate candidate for a Granny Cart!! Right up there! Granma Estelle Getty's gonna kick our ass now!!!
Okay, first off. Granny cart definition. Okay, it's this big slow-ass moped type thing at the front of some stores that old non-walking granny type folks and those who are too lazy to walk/can't walk very well ride in!
Okay, Slipknot goes to Wal-Mart (hey, it's more believable than finding the band Orgy there...) Supercenter. While heading to the door, Shawn gets this real bad urge (okay, I said it, now where's them guys in the black shirts? come rub me down, baby!!!) to take a piss, so he ties Sid to a shopping cart, walks over to a car, pulls out his thing, and takes a piss on the car door. Meanwhile, Sid decides he wants to fly around, so he takes off flying in big circles, dragging the shopping cart behind him and banging it into various cars, windows, etc. Finally, 'Knot head into the store. 'Knot wander up and down the aisles, looking for something to, uh, "use their discount coupons on", yeah, that's it. Slipknot wander through the store, and get to the cereal aisle. Jim is checking out the Lucky Charms, Joey is looking at the Fruity Pebbles, Sid is looking at some of that Malt-O-Meal crap (that cheap ass imitation cereal that comes in the bags), Chris is checking out the Cocoa Puffs, etc. etc. and Corey is looking at the Froot Loops. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey grabs a box off the shelf, rips the top open, takes out some Froot Loops, makes a smiley face with an open mouth on the floor, and begins to hump it.
Corey: Oh, yeah, that's right baby, oh, yeah, you have a mouth like a hoover, oh shit, oh shit, here I come, here I come!!!!
Corey moans in ecstasy, and then Slipknot run off, leaving the employees a lovely lil cream 'n' froot loops clean up on aisle 9.
Employee Clean-Up Dude: Hmm...what's this stuff? (dips finger in) It looks like sour milk... (tastes it) Odd, suddenly I feel like I have little fishies swimmin' in my stomach...
Slipknot kept walking around, and got lost in old-folks-land!!! They were running around, panicking, throwing Metamucil over their left shoulder and Prune Juice over their right! Corey stumbles onto a bottle.
Corey: Viagra? What's that?
Paul: Snort, snort, it's some kind of old folks laxative, or something...
Sid overhears this, and flies around grabbing all the bottles he can find. Corey dumps his whole bottle into his mouth. Suddenly his eyes light up.
Corey: Dude!!! My dick is hard, and my ass is on fire!!
Corey grabs up some prune juice, and throws that on his ass to stop the burning. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! WHAT'S THAT SOUND?!?
Slipknot hear a put-put-putting coming 'round the corner. Suddenly, Slipknot sees Granny Ethel Mae on a Granny-Cart heading their way. Suddenly, Chris leaps in the air, and lands in the little basket on the front of the Granny-Cart, grabs Granny by the collar of her moo-moo, pulls her in close, and yells...
Chris: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS CART?!?
Granny: AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS?! (spit flys out of her toothless mouth and hits Chris in the forehead)
Chris: EWW!! OLD PEOPLE SPIT, OLD PEOPLE SPIT!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!
Granny murmurs something about Satan, and Chris falls out of the basket. He runs over to 'Knot.
Chris: DUDE, WE HAFTA GET US ONE OF THOSE!! THOSE THINGS ARE COOL!!!
Granny: DIEEE!!! SATAN!!!!!
Granny stomps on the gas, and speeds towards Chris! Chris leaps in the air, and comes down in a roll behind Granny. Granny loses control of, first her bladder, then the Granny-Cart, and goes careening into a display shelf of Tampax!!! Granma sees what she has done, 'Oh, my god, what have I done? I've shown guys Tampax!!' and passes out on
Joey: Dude! Just what I need!!
Craig: Rectal bleeding again?
Joey: YES, BUT EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING STORE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW!!!
Jim: Dude, I think Granny had a heart attack!!!
Chris goes over, and kicks Granny in the ribs.
Chris: Wake up, Granny, wake up!!!
Corey: Maybe if I hump her, she'll come back to life!!!
Corey runs over and begins humping Granny's leg. About half of the store comes running around the corner to see what all the yelling is about. One guy runs up and tries to pull Corey off of Granma.
Corey: Help me hump Granma!!! She'll come back to life!! It'll get her blood flowing again!! Help me hump Granma!!!
Suddenly, Granma's eyes popped open. She started shoving Corey!
Granma: You little pervert!! Get offa me!! You're not gettin' mah money!!
Joey runs around grabbing boxes of Tampax.
Joey: My ass is bleeding!!! My ass is bleeding!!!
Mick covers about 5 yards in one step, and clubs Joey in the head, so that he won't make more of an ass of himself. The old lady gets up, takes two granny steps, hits a puddle of prune juice, slides up and hits her head on the floor. As Granny is once again lying there unconcious, Corey looks over at the Granny-Cart. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey runs over and begins thrusting his semi-permanent hard-on in the basket of the Granny-Cart. 'Knot runs over, and suddenly, Mick tosses Corey aside, throws Joey's unconscious body into the basket, and hops in the drivers seat. Shawn then ties Sid to the basket, and Sid starts flying around in circles.
Sid: (sing-song voice) Buzzz....Joey's face in Corey cum, Joey's face in Corey cum, la la la la la....
Slipknot then starts piling onto the Granny Cart. Chris sticks his nose in a hole in the back of the seat, Corey and Craig latch onto Mick's legs, Jim stands up on the back of the seat, and Paul and Shawn hang off of either side. Mick gives the Granny Cart some gas, and Slipknot start slowly moving down the aisle. (picture this now, Granny Cart made to BARELY hold a little old lady, carrying nine guys, who are knocking things off the shelves as they move down the aisles, one of whom is standing up and getting hit in the head by the swinging signs that hang from the ceiling.)
Jim: Dude, quit it!! My fucking head hurts!!!
Shawn: Dude are we even moving? I think this damn things out of gas!!
Paul: Snort, snort, I can fix that!!!
Paul hops off, pulls down his pants, and lets some Methane fly!!!
Shawn: Dude, screw this!!
Shawn runs off.
Sid: Buzzzz...buzzz..hallelujah, hallelujah, Sid fly free! Sid fly free!! Wheeeee....oh, poo. Sid no fly free....
Shawn returns an hour later on another Granny cart. They divide up, four on one, five on the other, and start roaming the aisles for the things they came for.
| SLIPKNOT SHOPPING LIST | DIAPERS FOR BABY PUPPY-KITTENS | NEW YARN FOR SHAWN'S BITCH'S ANKLE | CONDOMS LARGE ENOUGH TO FIT A HORSE |
|---|
| A BARNEY THE DINOSAUR PORNO MOVIE |
| SESAME STREET BANDAGES AND ICE-PACKS FOR WHEN MICK CLUBS FOLKS |
| BIG CUTTING KNIFE FOR SHAWN'S NEXT SELF-BONDAGE EXPERIMENT |
| HEFTY BAGS FOR WHEN THE CONDOMS BUST |
| BAG 'O' SLOP FOR PAUL'S SUPPER |
|
EX-LAX BY THE BULK 50 LB. BOXES X 3! |
Slipknot run through the store (they finally realize that's quicker than the Granny Carts) and get everything on their list. They run out of the store, setting off the alarms, and hop onto their Trak-Tour. They head home. About halfway there they hear a noise coming from the Trak-Tour.
Trak-Tour: Sputter...sputter...sputter....die...
Joey: OH MY GOD!!! THE TRAK-TOUR IS BROKEN!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!!!
Chris: Look! Those plants have five leaves!! What are they?
Shawn: What does "cannabis" mean?
Slipknot dive into the pot plants, and start eating them. Sid is flying chomping on four different leaves, and Jim is looking up at him.
Jim: Dude, Sid's got a buzz!!!
Shawn runs over and starts throwing mud in the Trak-Tour's gas tank, and Corey looks this way. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Dude, I'm speeding outta here!!