Well, since we were bored one day, we decided to watch television with Slipknot. So, we all plopped down on the couch, chair, floor, wherever the hell we could find to sit, and turned on the tube. We started flipping through the channels, and stopped on the Cartoon Network.
Rain: Ah, hell naw! Not some goddamn Johnny Bravo!
Crow: Yeah, but it’s that JBVO! They play requests! Uh-huh, I’ma get on-line and e-mail Johnny Bravo Daily! Naw, fuck that. I’ma e-mail him every hour, on the hour. When I go to sleep, and wake up, I’ma mail him once for each hour I was asleep, just to compensate!
So, we changed the channel, and stopped on COPS. Ironically, it was a very familiar episode for our companions…
Announcer: This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, or the guilty, or whatever.
Yeah, they went on to tell the story of “Nat, Zoey, Saul, Kris, Tim, Egg, Sean, Nick, and Tori” and how they robbed a bank. Odd how they all were wearing masks….
Mick: Grrrrrdammit…..
Mick steps outside and lets the puppy-kittens into the house. Joey and Chris, who were sitting in the floor, get trampled by the puppy-kittens. Mick goes to sit down, and looks over at Crow, who has been forced to sit between a drunken Shawn’s legs.
Mick: Grrrrr….don’t even think about it….
Rain begins twitching on Jim’s foot.
Jim: Stop it, dammit!
Then we turn the channel to watch an educational program about naked Africans. In the middle of that, they began showing something about Tony Hawk hitting a new trick, like an 1800 or some shit, and Corey stood up. Suddenly…
Corey: Oh, my GOD! It’s Tony Hawk!
Corey runs over and jumps on top on the television. He then begins jumping up and down.
Corey: Tony Hawk is so fucking cool! He’s my hero!
Joey: You too?
Craig smacks Joey upside the back of his head.
Joey: Ow, quit! Hey, come outside! I’ma show you guys my tricks!
Joey leads us outside to his halfpipe he made using cardboard. He pulls out his fingerboard, and starts up. He begins go up and down, popping kickflips and five-forties, Japan airs and Benihanas, even a Judo Madonna or two. And of course the mandatory handplants and eggplants. Then we go back in, and change the channel again. We go to the Movie Channel, and “Pet Semetary” is on. We watch that for a few minutes, and the old neighbor dude named Jud comes on-screen.
Crow: Oh, my god! That’s that dude! His name is, uhm, uh, Dammit!
Rain: I want to be named dammit, too!
Crow: No, dammit! It’s uhm…Fred…uh….
Rain: Fred Durst? Fred Rogers? Fred Flintstone?
Crow: No! Dammit, I can’t remember the last name right now, but he played Herman Munster! He was on “Car 54, Where Are You?” too!
Sid: Buzzzz….give me remote….want to watch football…
Rain and Crow: No! No fucking XFL!!!
Sid: Buzzzzzz….no fucking way! We watch soccer!!!
So, we watch soccer for about an hour, and then we turn it and watch the Playboy Channel. Corey begins whacking off, along with Chris and Craig, as the camera pans downward slowly from her face…down to her boobs….and stops on her penis.
Craig: Oh, no.
Chris: Oh, goddamn.
Corey: Oooohhhh, yeah…..ohhhhh yeah….
Corey starts cumming, and it squirts into Joey’s hair. Joey gets up, and rubs the cum on Shawn, who has passed out because he is so drunk. This causes Crow to get up and begin humping Mick’s leg.
Rain: Uh-huh.. I can do that too!!
Rain begins dry humping Jim’s leg. Corey, seeing this, begins humping Shawn’s arm (Uhm, is this Hump-A-Thon 2001, or is it one of those hippie orgies?). Rain quickly tires of this, and stops.
Crow: Ah, ha! I humped longer than you did! Nah, nah, nah, boo boo!
Crow then stops.
Corey: Ha, ha! I humped longer than you both! Nah! (Corey thrusts his crotch) Nah! (thrusts his crotch) Nah! (thrusts) Boo! (thrusts) Boo! (thrusts once more)
We then begin watching a cooking show.
Rain: Do any of you smell something? (looks over at Shawn’s drunken unconscious ass)
Paul: Snort, yeah. Crack! (begins laughing uncontrollably)
Rain goes over to the kitchen. She begins sniffing around.
Rain: Echo, come here!
Crow comes over and begins sniffing around. (in case you couldn’t tell, Echo was a puppy dog in a past life. He had a tail, though, unlike the dog he has now. He keeps asking it why it wags it’s stub. It’s not long enough to be a tail!)
Crow: I smell something…
Mick: Grrrr.r…….Know…what…is….
Mick goes over, and looks down the drain for the kitchen sink, and sewage shoots up and hits Mick in the face. Mick clubs the kitchen sink. Shawn wakes up, walks into the kitchen, strips down naked, and lies down on THE GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE. By the way, Shawn has been using this Epil Stop & Spray crap to remove all of the hair below his neck. Rain sees this, and goes blind.
Rain: Help!
Mick grabs some sewage, blesses it, and draws back to throw it at Rain. Rain blinks her eyes open, and ducks just as Mick throws the sewage at her. It flies by her head, and lands on the TV. Corey begins humping the sewage.
Joey: Dammit, I can make good meals and crap like that! Watch this!
Joey runs outside and comes back in with a bag of something. He pours it out on the GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE, where Shawn is still sleeping, pulls out a sledgehammer, and beats it into a patty shape. He then takes some Elmer’s Glue, and glues it all together. He then cuts it into pieces, and slaps the pieces between two pieces of bread, and begins handing them out to the members of Slipknot. He holds one out to Rain.
Rain: Uh, no. I don’t think so.
He holds one out to Crow. Crow takes it, and when Joey turns away, he tosses it over his left shoulder.
Joey: Behold, the great delicacy, the BOLOGNA SAMMICH!!!
Slipknot begin eating. Of course, Joey does not have a bologna sammich, he has quite a different sammich.
Rain: I want what Joey is eating!
Joey: No! Cannot have my Pop-Tart Sammich!
Crow goes to the refrigerator, and looks in.
Crow: Where the hell is the Mayo?
Joey: Uh, it’s in the oven.
Crow: Oh.
Crow reaches in the oven, takes out the PB and the Mayo, and makes him a “Peagut Butta and Mayganaise Sammich”.
Rain and Crow then begin running back and forth from the kitchen to Craig’s room. Eventually, he begins to chase us.
Craig: Get the hell outta my room! Leave my blow-job doll Britney (Spears) alone!
Chris: Hey, there’s a red hair in my sammich!
Sid: Buzzzzzzz…….there’s a black hair in mine…….damn Jim…….(looks at Rain)….damn Rain….(looks at Mick)….damn Mick….(looks at Paul)….damn Piggie….(looks at Joey)…..damn Joey….(looks in mirror)….damn Sid….(spins in a circle)damn everbody....
Corey: There’s a kinky nad hair in mine! (looks at Shawn)
Mick: Grrrrrrrrr……is…of…orange….hair…clump…mine…..
Stubby: GODDAMMIT!!! There’s a green dreadlock in mine!!!
Jim: Dude, what did you put in this?
Joey: Well, I found a dead cat…cut that up…
Mick clubs Joey.
Joey: Then I found some dogs, cut off their tails, and cut ‘em up…
Crow: Ah, dammit! That’s where my dog’s tail went!!!!
Joey: Then I popped them in a blender, beat them with my fingerboard, and brought them in. And you saw the rest of what I did.
Suddenly, the gay pride parade comes marching into the kitchen, lead by Anwar, Achmet, and Muhusaphet. They strip down naked, and begin spooning with Shawn on THE GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL?
Crow jumps up on the table, throws the entire gay pride parade out of the door, strips down naked, and begins spooning with Shawn himself.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT! Mick, get your bitch offa me!
Mick: Grrrrrr…..not…my…bitch…
Crow: I am NOT Mick’s bitch!!!
Suddenly, a hint of raspberry fills the air. Crow’s shirt ties itself in a knot, and his hair goes up into pig-tails.
Echo: Mick is MY bitch!
Echo flies up and latches onto Mick’s right arm. (For those of you who haven’t figured it out…uhm…MPS…..multiple personality syndrome…neither Echo nor Crow is actually aware of the other’s existence….) Suddenly, Shawn’s ass starts to itch, and he begins scratching it like a doggy, by rubbing it on some surface and sliding. So Shawn is sitting there sliding across the GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE, and he falls into the floor.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!
Shawn hops back up onto the GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE, and it collapses.
Jim walks over to the pantry and opens the door, and sees a bunch of Satanist Christmas Carolers.
Satanist Christmas Carolers: Tingling balls, tingling balls, tingling all night long…
Selling old ass porn
To a one ball old man
O’er the sink he goes
Cumming all the way
Corey makes groans of ecstasy.
Satanist Christmas Carolers: Hell is a great place
To take your family
What fun it is to burn in hell
For all eternity
Oh, tingling balls, tingling balls, tingling all night long…
WE LOVE JESUS!!!!
Craig: (sitting under a bed sheet) Dammit, Shawn! You fart in every fort we make!
Shawn sitting on the remains of the GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE, grins, and Craig walks over, and turns on a giant fan. This blows everything in front of it away, including the walls of the camper trailer. We then go outside and begin jumping on a trambopoline. We begin jumping and jumping, Crow flying up over some houses, and a wind comes blowing by. It picks Joey up, and carries him sideways, and drops him on the ground. Since the whole group of us are jumping all at once…
Jim: Hey, look! Shawn’s boobs are bouncing!
Shawn jumps over behind Jim, and makes him fall down. Now, as I was saying, since we’re all jumping, the trambopoline collapses. We then decide to sit back down on the couch. Rain and Crow run back into Craig’s room, and refuse to come out. Craig has to come in there and get in a fight with some of those Styrofoam noodle things that little kids use now to swim with. Craig beats us down, and drags us back into the living room. We then decide to watch a show about breast-feeding babies.
Chris: God, I’d love to be doing that to Martha right now….
Sid: Buzzzzzz….what….have…her….suck….on….nipple…?
Chris: No! Be suckin’ on hers, man!
Shawn: Check this out!
Shawn grabs Sid and Crow, and forces them to his chest. He then begins breast-feeding them.
Shawn: That’s some good shit, ain’t it?
Oh, My God! Sid And Crow Have Been Traumatized! Shawn Has Scared The Bejesus Out Of Them!