Okay, what the hell? Ya know, when they first started playing those Levi’s karaoke commercials, I figured it was just a fad that would disappear quickly. Well, obviously I was wrong. They keep making the fucking things. Bad part? They keep getting worse. Apparently, they have contests to see who can come up with the stupidest commercials, and the stupidest commercial gets put on t.v. Damn. Like that damn commercials which the singing French Fry that has a Jay Leno chin!!! And here’s what’s even worse. All those damn untalented people in the Levi’s commercials all have pop albums coming out. DAMN. What the hell is up with giving damn hella-way-much untalented people record contracts anyway? Like, uhm, for example…Macy Gray. What the hell? Like Talena Atfield said, she looks like fucking Grover from Sesame Street. Plus she sounds like a fucking frog when she “sings”. And don’t get me started on Britney Spears. Who the fuck wears red leather on Disney, in an attempt to turn eight year olds on? And people try to say we’re sick…
Okay, Slipknot decided that they would go to Joey’s pre-school to spend the day. So, because they have to take baths before they go anywhere, Paul is naked in the tub. We know this, because we happen to come through the bathroom window in the middle of his bath. Of course, we have to stop and talk to him. Rain sits down on the toilet seat, and Crow hops up onto the sink and shits sits.
Rain: Whutcha doin’?
Paul: Snort, snort whacking off.
Crow: Really? Can we watch?
Paul: Sure. Snort, snort.
Suddenly, Richard and Rudy hop in through the window.
Richard: Oh, my! This is super! Look at the guy naked in the tub! He is so hot! Look at his hard wet body!
Rudy: Goddamn fruit. (grabs Richard’s crotch)
Crow: Uh, we’ll leave you three alone, now. Enjoy your three-way, Paul!!!
Paul screams, and comes streaking through the house. Paul tears outside, and comes to a stop at the sidewalk.
*Note To Readers – Okay, let us show you how this place looks. Okay, there is Slipknot’s camper, and it is surrounded by trees. You see, this is out in the middle of the woods. Okay, through the middle of the trees, a sidewalk runs. There is no road, just a sidewalk. Okay, you’re now filled in.
Achmet and Mahusaphet come running along on the sidewalk.
Mahusaphet: Oooo, ooo dear, look!
Achmet: Oooo!!! You silly sexy nudey wetty soapy boi-ey!!!!
Meanwhile, Rain and Crow run into Craig’s room. They go looking around, and hear a deep scary voice drift down from above.
Craig: What the hell do I have to do to keep you out of my room?
Crow: Where are the girls? I know you have girls in here. Where are the girls? Where are they? Meeeeee-row?
*Note To Readers – Yeah that right up there is based on a cat, Hawk, Noodle, Noonie, Hawkie-Noonie, it has many names. It is a very horny little kitty. He looks alot like the Sylvester cat minus the white tip on the tail. He belongs to Rain. He shoves open doors looking for females. He will become a female in just a few days. Yeah, he's horny, but Rain’s little puppy is hornier. He’s only seven weeks old, and already he’s humping Crow’s foot. Dammit, it makes Crow feel cheap when he has to, in the words of the Red Hot Chili Peppers…(achem) Give it away, give it away, give it away now.
Craig: Boiy!!! C’mere boiy! I done told you boiy!
Crow: God….you sound like Jack…MY NEMESIS!!! DIE, JACK, DIE!!!!
Crow lunges at Craig, fakes a left cross, and wraps him up in a gigantic hug.
Crow: DADDY!!!!
Jim comes running in the room.
Jim: Dude, I was in my room, smoking this colossal joint, and this voice came to me, and told me to worship a giant levitating ass!!!! I have to find a giant levitating ass!!!!
This is when Shawn walks in.
Shawn: Goddammit!!! I got hemorrhoids!!! I think I was sitting on the toilet too long!!!
Jim: I have a scratch ‘n’ sniff ass. Wanna see?
Shawn: Sure.
Jim pulls down his pants and shoves his ass in Shawn's face.
Jim: Okay, first you have to scratch it, then lean in reeeeeaaaaallll close.
Shawn: Okay.
Shawn scratches Jim on the ass, and leans in close to smell. When Shawn’s nose is right at the crack of his ass, Jim lets loose a fart.
Jim: Can you smell it?
Craig: Goddammit!!! You fart in my fort one more damn time….
Jim: What?
Craig: Okay, every-damn-body out!!! I would like to put some damn clothes on already!
Shawn: Uh, how the hell did Rain and Crow get in anyway? I locked the goddamn doors. I found that goddamn Bob Villa in my bed last night! I threw him out of the door. I want his fucking ass to STAY OUT!!!
Crow: So you’re the one that locked the doors!! Ya know, that sorta made it harder to get in.
Shawn: Really?
Finally, Slipknot (with us tagging along) leaves for Joey’s pre-school. On the way, the Trak-Tour begins running out of gas. We stop in at a Texaco. We walk in, and find Anwar making sweet, sweet mad camel love down by the sand dune to a ten-year-old child. He’s doing this because they have tight fureem but and teet. Shawn goes over and kicks Anwar lightly in the ribs.
Shawn: Hey, wait. I know you. I did you. Uh, last Tuesday, right?
Little Kid: Yeah. Hi, big poppa.
Shawn: Oh, yeah. I love it when they call me big pop-pah!
Shawn kicks Anwar in the ribs with all his might.
Shawn: I will NOT have a sand nigga screwing my any ex of mine!!!
Anwar: Ooooo dear. What is of it to be? You want of sum-ting. What is of to be?
Crow: (Ben Stein voice) Oh, dear. Oh, yes you are hot. I want you so bad. Come to me now sexy nude sand nigga boy.
Anwar: Oh, dear!!!
Anwar bends over, grabs his ankles, and hops backwards towards Crow.
Crow: Goddammit, don’t get near me, bitch! Damn stupid ass sand nigga!!! Ever heard of…(hops sideways to avoid touching Anwar)….sarcasm? Damn!!!
Fred Durst comes walking over.
Fred Durst: Yo, yo, yo whussup? Limp Bizkit in the house, bitch!
Shawn: Goddamn.
Fred: Oh, by the way, I wrote part of a new song. Check it out yo. It goes a little something like this.…
Fred jumps up on the counter.
Fred: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Ya know he loves me and I fuck shoes
Two in the mornin’, and one at night
Oh, hey, bitch now what a sight
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!!!
I gots something I just gotta say
That there Shawn is a mighty good lay!!
Shawn: Goddammit!!! I’m gonna kill ‘im!!!
Mick: Grrrrrr…no. Let me handle…
Mick dumps a powder on the floor, and chants some words. The air in the room begins to shimmer, and Jeffrey Dahmer appears.
Mick: Grrrrrr…Dahmer…Jeffrey…minion…EAT!!!
Mick points at Fred Durst, and Jeffrey Dahmer runs over and eats him. Mick walks over and pats JD on the head.
Mick: Grrrr…good boy…
Paul runs over and snorts up Mick’s powder.
Mick: Grrrrrr…..no!!!!!
Jeffrey Dahmer begins shimmering, and disappears.
Corey: Hey, Paul man…I gotta tell you this…uhm damn…I, uh…sorta fucked your girl…
Paul: Really? Goats are a good lay, huh?
Shawn: Goddammit!!! You goddamn freaks!!! Goddamn farm animals?!? Go after the good shit!!! Get the little kids!!! (licks Joey’s chest)
Rain: (to Crow) Dude, I betcha somebody that fucks Joey feels like a child molester afterwards…
Crow: Hey Shawn! Have you ever slept with Joey?
Shawn: One time when I was drunk…
Crow: Did you feel like a child molester afterwards?
Shawn: I always feel like a child molester.
Chris Klein walks in.
Rain: Goddammit!!! Aren’t you dead yet?
Rain runs over to Chris Klein.
Rain: (as Ben Stein) Oh, my god. You are such a sexy nude boy.
Chris Klein: You look familiar. Do I know you?
Rain: yes. (smiles, and pulls out her bat) As a matter of fact, you do!
Rain whacks Chris Klein in the knees, and then bashes him in the head.
Rain: Die you fuckin’ slut!!!
Crow: Dude, why the hell do you want to keep beating on Chris Klein?
Rain: ‘Cause! He’s so sexy and nude and lickable!!! (kicks Chris Klein in his throat) YOU FUCKING PRICK!!!! Oh, um. Hi. He’s so fucking stupid and I hate him!!! I want to kill his skank ass!!!
Crow: No real reason?
Rain: Arg. He just fucking blows!!!!
We head outside, and Jim grabs Chris.
Jim: Dude, there’s this guy staring at me from that glass there!
Chris: Man, that’s your reflection!
Jim: It iiiiiiissssssss iiiiiiissssssn’t it?
We all hop back in the Trak-Tour and head off to Joey’s Pre-school. We get there and follow Joey to his class.
Some prick ass kid named Gene: Look it’s dandelion boy!!!
Joey: At least I don’t make a poopy in my pants!!
Gene: Nuh-uh!! I can smell it!! Hey everyonebody!!! Dandelion boy smells like poopy!!!
Shawn gets tired of hearing this, so he goes over and sits on Gene’s head.
Shawn: Lick my clit, GODDAMMIT!!!!
Teacher named Mrs. Baer: Enough of this children!! Where did you learn those words, young man?!
Mrs. Baer drags Stubby Shawn by the ear to the time out chair.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!! I ain’t done nothing!!!
Mrs. Baer: I don’t want to hear it young man!!
Shawn sits there for a minute, and then he farts. His fart sends the chair blasting through the floor. Then the back-draft starts… Shawn begins screaming as chunks of concrete are sucked back in his ass.
Some dude: AHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! Tell my wife and kids that I love them!!!
Shawn: GODDAMMIT, what the fuck?!
Mrs. Baer comes running over.
Mrs. Baer: Oh my god!!! You’ve killed our janitor, Mr. Garrison!!!
Shawn: I haven’t killed him!!! I can feel him kicking!!!
Mr. Garrison: (muffled) Let me out! Oh, god I’ve gone to hell!!
Some Kid Named Jimmy: Hey, everyonebody!!! Hell is in some fat guy’s ass!!!
Mrs. Baer: Jimmy! Time out!
Jimmy: Poo!
Mrs. Baer: That only means you’ll have to stay in time out longer!!!
Jimmy walks over looking rather downtrodden.
Shawn: (looking at Mrs. Baer) Ya goddamn Butt-Nazi!!!!
Kid Named Liam: Hey Joey!!! Turn me on, turn me on Mr. She-Man!!!
Joey runs over and kicks Liam in the head. Liam’s brother Noel comes running over.
Noel: Don’t hit muh brother, ye bloody bastard!!!
Joey bitch slaps Noel.
Joey: ‘Mon bitch. I’ll take you both.
Suddenly, Shawn farts again, sending Mr. Garrison and his newfound friend, Mr. Cap, flying out of his ass. Then the suction starts. Mrs. Baer, Noel, Liam, and Mr. Cap go flying up into Shawn’s ass.
Shawn: Whooo!!! That feels better!!!
The principal of the school, Mr. Flutie, comes running in.
Mr. Flutie: What is all this ruckus? Where is Mr. Garrison? Where is Mrs. Baer? And where are all the students?
Mr. Garrison: I’m right here. I saw it all. They did it!
Mr. Garrison points over at Slipknot.
Mr. Flutie: JOSEPHINE BLOODY-MARY JORDISON-WITZ!!! Why are you always getting in trouble?
Joey: I….I….I….
Joey has his ass period all over the white carpeted floor.
Mr. Flutie: Oh, no. Not again. Every month, he has a period all over the carpet. AND EVERY DAY HE’S IN MY OFFICE FOR SOME REASON OR OTHER!!! Joey snorted nutmeg, Joey was selling oregano and calling it marijuana, Joey forced another kid to eat a rat, Joey puked on Timmy, Joey got in a fight, Joey refuses to respect my authoritah. I’m sick of it!!!!
Joey: Mrs. Baer went bye bye.
Mr. Flutie: And now I have to teach the class!!! Oh, I need some quiet time. Okay, everyone. Nap time!!! You big kids in the back too!
Crow: Dammit, I’m not sleepy!
Shawn: Goddammit, I can’t sleep without Milky-Diaper, my stuffed goat!
Mr. Flutie looks over at Shawn.
Shawn: Oh, well. Paul will work just as well!
The entire classroom lies down on those little blankets.
Crow: Damn, this fucking blanket stinks!! I can’t sleep on this fucker!!!
Mr. Flutie: Go to sleep!
Crow: I’ll be goddamned! Listen very fucking carefully, bitch!! I…am…NOT…sleeping….on…this….stinking….son…of…a….bitch!!! It smells like shit!!!
Shawn grins, and bottles up the blanket.
Crow walks over, and hides in the closet. A few seconds later, Mr. Flutie comes over, opens the closet door, and looks at Crow.
Mr. Flutie: Get out of the closet.
Crow: I refuse to come out of the closet.
Mr. Flutie: Out of the closet. NOW!!!
Crow: No!!!
Mr. Flutie drags Crow out of the closet.
Mr. Flutie: There.
Crow runs back into the closet. Joey runs up into the closet too.
Mr. Flutie: Fine. Stay in the closet. I don’t care.
Mr. Flutie walks off. Crow and Joey come out of the closet.
Joey: Ahhhhh….we are out of the closet.
Crow: Speak for yourself, dandelion boy.
Okay, we won’t run through the whole day, ‘cause most of it went normally. Emphasis on most. There was one minor problem as lunchtime neared, though….
Mr. Flutie: Okay. Young man, you are really trying my patience. Why do continue to act bad?
Crow: Because it pisses you off.
Mr. Flutie: Really? Well, let’s see if I can return the favor. What are you supposed to be, anyway? Are you trying to be a guy or a girl? I mean with the long hair and the painted nails, you look like a girl. Granted, a very flat-chested girl, but still a girl. And black from head to toe? What are you going to a funeral? And why are you wearing a dog collar?
Crow: Why are you bald? And fat? And stupid? And why in the hell are you so damn fugly?
Mr. Flutie: Fugly? I’m not familiar with that. What does that mean?
Crow: It is short for…(gets up in Mr. Flutie’s face)….FUCKING UGLY!!!!
Okay, then came lunch, which was just fun time. You can just imagine. Actually, you’ll have too. Probably one of the most fun parts of the school day, and we’ll just leave that untold. (Actually, you can find out when you buy our companion book, “Shit-Not : The Untold Stories”. $19.95 in our store.) Okay, okay. We’ll show you part of it.
Jim gets his plate, and looks around. He sees a little kid sitting at a table. The little kid is wearing Power Rangers clothes. Jim goes over, and sits down.
Jim: Dude, I like the Power Rangers too! Who’s your favorite Ranger?
Little Kid: Who are the Power Rangers?
Jim: The people on your shirt!
Little Kid: Oh, them. I just wanted the shirt ‘cause it had dinosaurs on it. Did you know that “Tyrannosaurus” in Latin means “Terrible Lizard”? And that it’s quite possible that dinosaurs evolved into birds?
Jim: (mumbling) Damn this is a boring little kid. (to the little kid) Hey, do you want to go see Santa Claus?
Little Kid: Sure!!!
Jim takes the kid and sits him on Shawn’s lap.
Jim: Here, enjoy.
Okay, the day continues on, and finally it’s time for recess!!!
Shawn: Oh….my….god. This place is like a strip club! Or a singles bar! I could probably get any one of these kids here….
Chris: I bet!
Shawn runs off chasing after what he called a “nice piece of ass”. Slipknot pulls out their pop-tart sammiches and their soup thermoses full of beer.
*Note To Readers – Dude, check it out! It says Moses! Tee hee!
Sid: Buzzzzzzz……what of is that Craig? Is not beer….
Craig smiles.
Craig walks behind a building and pees in a bottle. He then pours the contents of his soup thermos into the bottle. He shakes it up real good, and walks out.
Craig: Who wants some lemonade?!?
Little kids run up and begin drinking out of the bottle. Craig feels a tugging at his leg, and looks down. A little kid is looking up at him with big brown eyes.
Little Kid: Hey, Mister. Why is your lemonade purple?
Shawn: (running by) Violet!!!
Craig: My secret ingredient.
Little Kid: What’s your secret ingrediment?
Craig smiles, and holds up his now empty thermos.
Craig: Your mom’s vaginal fluids.
Crow: Dude, let’s go play!!! Everything’s empty!!!
Yeah, see, everything is empty because all the little children are now crowded around Shawn. Mick climbs up on one of those two or three foot tall plastic yellow slides. Those are good for skateboarding. Crow tried it!! Fun! Mick attempts to go down this, and it collapses. Meanwhile, Sid starts swinging super high on the swings, and decides that this is a good time to begin whacking off. So, there Sid is swinging and whacking off. Whacking and swinging. Swinging and whacking. Just as Sid is on the verge of an orgasm, Shawn jerks on his string, and Sid goes flying through the air. Sid lands on one of those fences made of wire, and his thing gets caught in it.
Sid: OW, GODDAMMIT!!!!
Shawn then climbs up to the top of a wooden tower, and decides to go down a pipe slide headfirst. He jumps in, and gets stuck with his ass hanging out. Jim climbs up, and sees this.
Jim: OH, MY GOD!!!! I FOUND THE GIANT LEVITATING ASS!!!!
Jim begins worshipping “the giant levitating ass”. Meanwhile, Rain and Crow have decided they have an elsewhere to be. Crow grabs his skateboard, and Rain just walks around because of her fucking ankle. You see, last Feb. ’00, her and Echo were skateboarding around town, and Echo suggested for her to go down the steps on the board. Rain listened. She made it down them, landed on the board wrong and snap goes the ankle. We went to the hostipal. Rain now falls just walking. Anyway, they go riding/walking around, and see Bill Cosby hitting on children. Paul is also over there sitting. Paul has dropped some solid Jell-O, or as solid as Jell-O gets, actually, and is attempting to snort it up. Rain and Crow continue riding/skating, and they find a scooter park.
Crow: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?
Rain: THIS IS GAY AS HELL!!!!
Rain and Crow explore the scooter park, and tackle a couple of little kids.
Crow: (in one of the kid’s faces) WHY ARE YOU RIDING A SCOOTER?!?!
The little kids begin to cry.
Rain: THAT IS GAY AS HELL!!!
Crow: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ON THOSE DAMN THINGS?!?!
Rain: A DOG-SHIT TACO!!!!
Crow: A BLOOD DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!!!!
Rain and Crow let the little kids go, and Crow rides over and does a 180 Rock-And-Roll on Mr. Flutie’s head.
Finally, Rain, Crow, and Slipknot go back to the camper. Mick looks over at his puppy-kitten pen.
Mick: Grrrrrrdammit!!!! Am missing four more puppy-kittens!!!
Wake Up!!! (Grabs Ahold Of Arm And Shakes Furiously) Time To Go To School!!!!