Hey, check it out! Crow almost died! Again! Dumb asses going to mountains when it is snowing, hitting ice and sliding all over the damn place....FUN!!!! Uhm, oh, yeah! Story! (Grrrr….dammit….why couldn’t Echo go slip-sliding off a damn mountain….)
Okay, well, guess What Slipknot did on New Year’s Day!
Sid: Buzzzzzzz…..What?
Well, Obviously, they got drunk. Uh, Well, here we’ll let them tell you.
Paul: (looking at a newspaper) Snort, snort, dude, check it out! “Happy Night”!! It’s probably gonna be like Happy hour, and a new years party, all rolled into one!!!
Mick: Grrrrrr…why…for…be…listed…as….birfday..?
Paul: Snort, snort, ‘cause it’s Jebus’ birthday!
Joey: Don’t you mean Hey-Zeus?
Paul: Uhm, no, dammit, it’s Jebus!
So, Slipknot decided to go to “Happy Night”, So Craig went and put on his edible undies, Chris hops into Martha Stewart’s Panties, Joey puts on his bikini briefs, Shawn hops into his Granny Panties, Mick puts on his leaf, Paul puts on his string bikini, Jim puts on his leather “coin purse”, Sid puts on his leopard print thongs, and Corey strips down naked.
Paul: Snort, what the fuck are you doing?
Corey: I always celebrate New Year’s naked!
Well, Slipknot then walk down town, to the “Happy Night” Place. (Oh, did we mention it was like, two in the afternoon, IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER, 10 FUCKIN’ DEGREES OUTSIDE, and that they put on NO other clothes than their skivvies?) They walk in.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! Where’s everybody at?
Corey: Maybe we’re early…
Mick: Grrrrrrdammit!!!
Corey: Well, let’s just sit over in the corner there until someone comes.
So, Slipknot sit in the corner for four hours, when finally a lady walks in with her little girl.
Shawn: Goddamn hell yeah! The chicks have started to arrive!
Shawn runs over, and begins hitting on the little girl.
Shawn: Hey, baby. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d be cumming too! Oh, wait. I mean, those clothes are very becoming on you, I’d put U and I together! Dammit, how does it go?
Corey: (to the lady) Hey, baby. Those clothes are very becoming on you. If I were on you, I’d be cumming too! If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you and I together!
The lady smacks Corey.
Shawn: No, that’s not it! I know! (to the little girl) Well, kiss my lips, and smack my bottom, I think I done fell in love!
Little Girl: Daddy?
Shawn: Hmmm….
Shawn puts the little girl over his knee, and smacks her on the ass.
Shawn: Who’s your daddy?
Shawn smacks her ass again.
Shawn: Who’s your daddy?
Little Girl: You are! You are!
Lady: Shawn, quit talking to your daughter like that!
Shawn: Dammit! I didn’t realize! Now, look at this. You done smeared your grease paint!
Lady: Put on some clothes! Here!
The lady (okay, so it’s Shawn’s wife already!) tosses them a bag from Toddy Feel-My-Thingie. They pull out a couple of mini-skirts, and some sweat suits, and most of Slipknot begins to put these on.
Chantal (trivia time, bitch: Who is that? Time’s up! It’s Shawn’s wife! Or, according to Rolling Stone it is! Nobody can ever get the names right! We’ve seen Mick called Milt, Mitch, Mike, and Milk! And we’ve seen Craig called Craig James, Shawn has been called Shane, and Corey has been Cory, and called #6, we’ve seen Joey be mistaken for Joey Fontane, we’ve seen Joey be called Mick Thompson, Mick be called Jim Root, Jim be called Joey Jordison, and we’ve seen Corey be called a member of Korn! So there!): Oh, now Mick! Don’t you look good enough to eat in that dark blue miniskirt?
Mick: (singing) Grrrr….me…feel pretty…so pretty…
Joey: (panicky voice) LET ME DO YOUR MAKE-UP!!!
Mick: Grrrrrnoooo…..
Chantal: Corey! Put on some clothes!
Corey: No! I always….
All: Celebrate New Year’s naked!
Jim: We know.
Shawn: Dammit, this sweat suit is itching.
Jim: I think my “coin purse” Is starting to make me chaff, dude!
Chris: Gross...Uhm, do you have any hose to go with my little red mini skirt?
Joey: And some stiletto heels to go with my shiny, shiny silver mini skirt!
Slipknot then sits and waits. And wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, people begin to show up. This one kid comes in with a little cone hat on.
Damn Near Everyone But ‘Knot: Happy Birthday, Evan!
Jim: What the hell?
Corey: Dude, I think we’re at some little brat’s birthday party!
Shawn: Goddammit!! Let’s get outta here, then!!!
Joey: Dude, I know where we can to!
Joey leads ‘Knot out of the door and down the street to a new bar called “The Mouthful”. They go inside, and sit down. A 6’ 6” dude with rippling abs comes over to them, wearing a see-through shirt, and a little leather thong.
Ab Dude: Hello, my name is Jarod, and I’ll be your waiter. What will you stud-muffins have?
Shawn: Beer, goddammit!!
Paul: Yeah.
Jim: Me too.
Craig: Yeah.
Chris: Beer sounds good.
Sid: Buzzzz…vodka…..
Mick: Grrrrr….tequila…..
Corey: Just bring me something.
Joey: Yeah, just bring me something too.
Corey: Copycat.
Joey: Shut up!
Corey: Make me!
Joey: Asshole!
Dude in the Corner of the Bar: Oh, isn’t that cute? A little lover’s quarrel…
Jarod comes back with a tray full of drinks.
Jarod: Here’s your vodka….and your tequila….here’s a cocktail for the small one….here’s a high-ball for you….here’s your beer…I brought in a long neck…just like I like them… (winks at Shawn, then looks over at Jim) Oh, my, you are a tall drink of water, aren’t you?
Jim: Yeah, whatever.
Jarod: Oh, I’d like to drink you dry.
Jarod finishes distributing the drinks, and walks off. Slipknot begin drinking. Eventually….
Chris: Hey Jarod!! Git your ass over here!!
Jarod: Yes, you silly, sexy boy? (strokes Chris’ nose)
Chris: Oh yeah! Just like that! Harder! Faster!
Shawn: (drunkenly, while grabbing Jarod as if to hug him) You know I love you….very very much….(runs his finger down Jarod’s lips)
Jarod: Hmmm…how much do you love me, big boy? (grabs Shawn’s ass)
Shawn: YOU GODDAMN FAGGOT!!! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!
Corey: (drunkenly) Oh, I got friends in low places…..where the whiskey drowns….and the beer chases….my blues away….and I’ll be okay….
Shawn: SHUT UP, YOU GODDAMN DRUNK!!! (falls off of his bar stool)
Paul: Snort, hey check out that hot little blonde number in the corner over there!
Paul goes over to his hot little blonde number.
Paul: Hey, what’s a hot place like this doing in a chick like you?
HLBN: Huh?
Paul: How YOU doin’?
HLBN: Did you come over here to talk shit, or did you come for a piece of ass?
Paul: Hmmm…oh, yeah….
Paul and his hot blonde number start heading towards the door.
Paul: Damn you’re a tall one…
Mick: Grrrr….did anyone else notice Piggie’s hot blonde number have of facial hair?
Joey: Yeah, and she had a pretty big lump in the front of her pants, too…
Corey: Screw every last damn one of you…I’m gonna go get me a job at the first damn place I see…..
Corey gets up and walks to the door. He steps through, and then turns around.
Corey: “The Mouthful”? Oh, hell naw…I ain’t working there!!
Corey pisses on the doorstep of the bar, and then walks down the street. He comes to a Texaco.
Corey: That’s where I’m gonna work.
Corey goes inside of the Texaco, and finds Mahusaphet bare ass naked, standing on the counter, forcing a camel to lick his asshole.
Mahusaphet: (singing) Ooo ooo ooo
Go on honeymoon with camel tonight
Had to go to hospital, camel tore ass
Ass is so tight
I rub him hard
I rub him fast
Then place camel penis in tight ass
No, I shouldn’t mess with camel in middle of night
Three female sand niggas pop out of the ice cream freezer.
Female Sand Niggas: Oooo ooo ooo ass is so tight
Ass is so tight it put up a fight
Ooo oo oo sexy nude boy won’t you have me tonight!
Mahusaphet pulls the camel’s tongue out further, and rubs his ass down with it.
Mahusaphet: Oh ,yes dear .Lick of it good .Lick of it hard ,yes .Oh ,oh ,dear ,now I want to have of your thick ,hard cock in mine ass ,yes .
Corey: Damn pervert.
Mahusaphet: Oh ,dear !Sexy nude boiy !Sexy nude boiy !Come of here to mineself sexy nude boiy !
Mahusaphet ties Corey down and forces the camel to butt-rape him. He then produces a camel-penis-shaped dildo, and proceeds to butt-rape Corey himself. Finally, he stops.
Corey: (singing) Well I just heard,
The news today
It seems my life
Is going to change
I scratch my crotch,
And now I know
Then fear begins to come to me
With legs spread open
That’s how I was raped
Covered up my face
They gave me everything
With legs spread open
Well I don’t think
I wanna know
What now I have
Down below
I’ll take a bath
Then I’ll shave my ‘nads
I stand in awe,
They have gave me crabs
With legs spread open
Under a fluorescent light
Feel like a disgrace,
They showed me everything…
Anwar, Achmet, Kushak, Khalid, and Muhammad come out to see what all the commotion is about.
Anwar: Oh ,dear !How dare you sex of nude boiy without us !We like to of sex with nude sexy boiy too !
Joey walks into the Texaco, and Anwar does the Sand Nigga Mating Call. This is where he hops onto the counter, rips off his shirt, plays with his nipples, and yells….
Anwar: Oh….sum ting sum ting sum ting !Is of sexy nude boiy for me to sex of !
Anwar hops off of the counter and runs over to Joey.
Anwar: Oh ,yes dear .I does know what of you want .I have big thing for you right here !
Anwar rips off his pants, exposing his nude body.
Joey: (singing) All the, small things
No hair, inch long
I’ll take, one look
Laugh my, ass off
I don’t, Think so
Too short, I know
Watching, waiting, (you’ll be) Masturbating,
Say it ain’t so,
(It’s) long as my toe,
Turn the lights on
Carry me home
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Late night, comes on
You’ll be, watchin’ porn
You got your tweezers in your hand
Big around as a rubber band
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Say it ain’t so
It’s long as my toe
Turn the lights on
I wanna go home
Keep your hand still
I know it’s your thrill
The night will go on
Your little “windmill”
Say it ain’t so
It’s long as my toe
Turn the lights on
I’m gonna go home
Keep you hand still
I know it’s your thrill
The night will go on
Your little “windmill”…
Anwar: Oh ,but dear ,in my coontry it is considery viery viery large penis.
Joey: Ha, ha, ha! Corey let’s get out of here!
Anwar: Back home ,peeple wood keel for penis thees big !
Anwar, Achmed, Muhammad, Mahusaphet, Kushak, and Khalid all run over and gang bang Joey. Finally, Joey and Corey stumble outside and head towards the corner (yeah, the one that is usually worked by that Britney Spears skank) only to find Paul, wearing fishnet stockings, a little miniskirt, and a shirt that shows off his “cleavage”.
Corey: Paul, what the hell are you doing?
Paul: Shhhhh…(brings his finger up to his mask’s lipsticked mouth)…my name is Pauline.
Ah, Damn, Dude! I Think I’m Gonna Be Sic!