Okay, so, here we go. It’s only been…what? Six years or so since we did a new story? Nah, not quite. Like, three. Still. Wonder if it can still be done worth a shit. We’ll find out. I mean, hey, they did a new Rocky, Rambo, AND Indiana Jones movie like forty years after the originals, right? Anyway. Now. Okay. So, gotta figure out how the time line works. Ah. I know. It doesn’t. Who the hell needs a time line? It’s set to current time, but no time seems to have passed….okay, whatever anyway. Enough rambling. We’ll open…. Well, we’ll open in the goddamn kitchen. Staring at Shawn, splayed out on the goddamn kitchen table. With his hair up in pigtails. And he’s pregnant. Again. I swear it’s not Echo’s this time.


Echo: Yeah. Noooooo more sex with clowns. That was….ew.


Yeah, tell me about it, you freak.


Echo: I was horny. He was there. He was naked. It was dark.


Still no excuse. His clown nose glows in the dark.


Rain: HeH, like Rudolph?


Yeah, pretty much.


Echo: Well….why do you think….


Rain: Dude, I knew you liked Rudolph….but I didn’t know you LIKED Rudolph….


Echo: Rudolph is sexy. (drools)


Yeah, so anyway. Shawn is pregnant and twirling his pigtails.


**Okay, hold on. I have to switch channel over. There. Sirius Octane Twenty. YaY. Now I don’t hafta listen to that annoying fucker coming on the tv talking about fucking male enhancement. Like I need it. It only came on about forty times during the Bruce Campbell movie I was watching. And not even at the right time. It’d be in the middle of a scene and all of a sudden…”Male Enhancement. A few years ago…” Man, shut the fuck up. AND WHY DOES IT HAFTA BE ONE OF THOSE LOUD ASS COMMERCIALS?!? Like the sound is fucked up or something. Or maybe they mean it for old people. Which I don’t even wanna think about granny and gramps using some fucking Maxiderm or whatever. Anyway. - ETF**


Twirling his pigtails. Okay. So. Chris, Joey, Paul, Craig, and Mick walk in.


Mick: Grrrr….fuck of what?


Shawn: Whaddaya think? Aren’t I so sexy in my little school girl outfit?


**Holy crap. That one is hilarious in my head. I wanna draw it. :P That’d be great. Even though it’d completely ruin any school girl fetish thing I or anyone else might would have. Anyway. - ETF**


Shawn stands up on the goddamn kitchen table, and shows off his plaid, pleated skirt, little white shirt, and socks up to his knees.


Shawn: How hot am I right now?


Chris: Uhm…yeah. Anyway. I have a letter here from Corey and Jim. They say that they’re off with Stone Sour, so….we’re gonna hafta find someone to take their places for a while.


Shawn: What about those two annoying fuckers that are always hanging around here?


Joey: Tawny and Brandi? Well, I don’t know. I mean, I guess I could ask them at my slumber party tomorrow….


Shawn: No, not those two annoying fuckers. I meant the other ones.


Craig: (silence)


Shawn: No, not them either. And I really don’t wanna know about all your kinky sex shit. Keep that shit to yourself.


Shawn hikes up his skirt, and pulls out Sid.


Shawn: Isn’t that right, lovemuffin?


Sid: Buuzzzzerf….AIRRRRR……


Sid continues gasping.


Shawn: Yeah. So. What about those annoying fuckers, then?


Rain and Echo walk in.


**Yeah, so here’s the deal. I have gotten it in my head that eventually, it became really, really confusing what with all the extra names, and added people, and all that other crap. So. Simplify it back down. No longer this whole Crow/Echo/whatever else thing….just Echo. Plus bunches of other crap that’s gone. YaY. Now. Back to story. - ETF**


Echo: What annoying fuckers?


Shawn: Yeah, you know ‘em. Right? Those two annoying ass bitches, always following us around? Telling us, you know, “Don’t do that! Don’t do this! Don’t fuck over there! Don’t fuck that seal in the ass!”


Mick clubs Shawn in the head.


Mick: Grrrrr…..no….fuckem……pupkit…..


Shawn: Wait. That was you. Okay. But still, you know who I’m talking about, right?


Rain: Yeah. We know. What about ‘em?


Chris: We gotta replace Corey and Jim. For the time being, anyway.


Echo: Why?


Paul: (snort) ‘Cause I fuckin’ snorted ‘em, that’s why!


Craig: (silence)


Echo: Oh, yeah. Stone Sour. Okay.


Shawn: So let’s get those fuckers to join!


Tobey Maguire and Pete Weintz come moping in.


Pete: (dejectedly) Hi.


Pete looks up and sees Echo.


Pete: Oh, my God! You’re emo too! You know my pain, man!


Pete grabs Echo. Echo smacks Pete like the little bitch he is.


Echo: I am * NOT * emo.


Pete: You’re not?


Echo: No. When I cut, it’s for keeps. Not so I can “feel”. Geez. How retarded is that?


Pete: It’s not retarded. It’s the only time I know I’m alive! I gotta feel, man!


Echo smacks him again.


Echo: Did you “feel” that?


Pete: Well, yeah.


Echo: See? I’m such a wonderful problem solver! Next time you need to feel, just slap the fuck outta yourself! Here, I’ll help jump start you.


Echo smacks the hell out of him a few more times.


Pete: (with teeth falling out of his bloody mouth) Gee, thanks, man! I feel great!


Echo kicks Pete in the nuts.


Echo: Glad to help.


Echo turns to Tobey.


Echo: Hey, sexy. I thought I smelled you walk in.


Tobey envelops Echo with his man musk.


Echo: Oh, yeah. You know just how I like it.


Tobey shoots webs at Echo, and pulls him closer.


Echo: Ya know, that always sat wrong with me. I mean, when Peter Parker got bit by that radioactive spider, he only got the speed and strength of the spider. And the spidey sense. He never got the webs. He had to build web shooters. Which tended to be an on-going problem, ‘cause he always ran out of web fluid at the most inconvenient times. But in the movies….HE HAD WEBS! :: sigh :: I’ll let ‘em get away with it, just ‘cause of Sam Raimi, but otherwise…


Rain: Comic geek strikes again?


Echo: Eh, I can’t help it. ‘Tis my nature.


Mick clubs Tobey.


Mick: Grrrrrrrrum…..stupid…..what for…..spider….


Echo and Rain peer down at the flattened Tobey Maguire.


Echo: Geez….I wonder if he actually saw that coming?


Rain: Well, emo. I guess he wanted it.


Echo: Yeah, good point.


Rain: Stupid emo kids. Knives are for knife fights.


Rain grabs a knife and begins stabbing Pete and Tobey.


Rain: Poke…poke….poke….


Echo: Ah, that’s fun. Shawn, Mick, Joey, Craig, Chris, Sid, Rain, and Echo all come piling out of the Slipknot’s big ass trailer. They start walking across the yard towards an old tool shed.


Chris: You sure this is where they’re at?


Rain points at something on the ground.


Rain: Pretty sure.


Shawn kicks open the door to the tool shed. He quickly looks around, and starts booty dancing.


Shawn: Oh, yeah! This is my idea of a PARTY!!! Get your naked asses over here and dance with me!


Two naked guys look up from under a sheet on the floor of the tool shed.


Naked Guy #1: I’d….rather not.


Naked Guy #2: What’s going on here?


Chris: Well, we were coming to get you to join us…but…


Naked Guy #1: Really? Oh, that’s so nice….


Naked Guy #2: We’ve been waiting for that for a while. Isn’t that right sweetie?


A naked squirrel pokes it’s head out from under the sheet.


Naked Squirrel: Squeak squeak!


Naked Guy #1 (Bob Villa): We would love to join you guys.


Naked Guy #2 (Chuck Norris): As long as it’s not for, like, sex or anything. ‘Cause I’m a Texas Ranger. I’d hafta kick your ass.


Shawn shoves Chuck Norris’ head up the back of his skirt.


Shawn: LICK MY ASS, BITCH!!!!


Chuck Norris starts trying to squirm away.


Shawn: LICK MY ASS TO SEAL THE DEAL!!!!


Chuck licks his ass. Shawn begins moaning.


Shawn: OHHHHHHHH…YEAH! THAT’S THE SPOT RIGHT THERE, BABY!!! LICK IT AGAIN!!!!


Chuck licks it again. Shawn turns around and squirts in his face.


Shawn: (smacking Chuck in the forehead with his dick) Who’s your daddy, bitch?


Bob Villa gets up to put on some clothes.


Shawn: Don’t go nowhere, bitch. You’re next.


Bob: No, thank you.


Shawn: Get over here for your turn.


Bob: Uhm, no.


Shawn: Look. The first thing you’ll learn about being in this band is that we’re all very giving.


Bob: Yes, and that’s a very good thing. Admirable quality, that.


Shawn: And you want to be in this band, right?


Bob: Well, yeah.


Shawn: So, you’re willing to be very giving, too, then, right?


Bob: Well, yeah….but…


Shawn: THEN GET OVER HERE AND GIVE ME PLEASURE!!!


Okay, so now we’ll skip ahead, like, a half hour.


Shawn: Okay. That’s enough. We’re done.


Bob and Chuck: Finally.


Chris: Yeah, so we’re gonna hafta rehearse and all. I mean, we are scheduled to be on Conan tomorrow.


So, The New Slipknot go off to rehearse.


The Next Day Slipknot are backstage at Conan, preparing for their performance.


Bob: Okay, so we’re doing the new song I wrote, right?


Joey: YaY! New song! New song is sooooo hot!


Chris: Yeah, what’s not hot, Paris?


Joey: Hmmm….that bitch Nichole marrying my Joel. That’s not hot.


Rain: Yes. Him’s a good caffic boy.


Echo: No, him not.


Rain: That is *NOT* him baby. Him a good caffic boy. No premarital skex.


Echo: Yes, it *IS* him baby. Him is a caffic boy. Emphasis on BOY. Him a boy. Him have skex, be it premarital or not.


Rain: No….


Echo: Yes. Him a boy.


Rain: Him a good caffic boy.


Echo: Him a boy. He see loose girl. Him go “Oooo….easy skex.” Him have the skex with loose girl. Oops. She get prennant. Uh oh. Gotta get married. That’s the good caffic boy thing to do to cover up him mistake.


Rain: She trick he!


Echo: He dick she!


Uhm….moving on?


Rain and Echo: Oh, yeah.


Anyway. Slipknot pile onstage to perform their new song that Bob wrote. Chuck takes Jim’s spot, and Bob takes Corey’s. Annnnnnddddd….here we go.


(To the tune of Nine Inch Nail’s “Starfuckers Inc.”) Bob: My god has left me with a stain
My god likes to nibble on everything
My god hides in a hole every time it rains
My god likes to fuck out my brains

Brown and furry with a big ass tail
Acorns in his cheeks, and he never fails
Nibble on me now, yeah you do it just right
Do it your way, yeah I won’t put up a fight
Longevity

Squirrelfuckers
Squirrelfuckers
Squirrelfuckers, Inc.
Squirrelfuckers

He is every fucking thing and just a little more
I sold my hole but don’t you dare call me a whore
And when I suck him off not a drop will go to waste
It’s really not so bad you know once you get past the taste, yeah
(asslicker)

Squirrelfuckers
Squirrelfuckers
Squirrelfuckers, Inc.
Squirrelfuckers

Up a tree
How did we ever get off without you?
Now he pees
All my life thinking just how I can please you
Please you
Please you
Please you
Please you

Now I belong, I’m one of the nutty ones
Now I belong, I’m one of the fluffy ones


The new Slipknot walk off-stage to tons of applause. And, admittedly, I’m not really sure how to end this story. How to wrap it up. But, then again, we never did have full on ends to any of stories. Kinda just ended abruptly out of nowhere, HuH? We should probably work on that. Just not this time. :)


Well, That Sucked. How The Hell Do I Get Out Of Here And Back To The Halfway Decent Shit?