*Note To Reader – Rain and Crow were sort of playing their own fucked up version of Mad Libs with this story…*


Okay, we decided to send Slipknot to “Martha Stewart Living” so that they could promote their album more, as if it really needed it, but still. Anyway, Slipknot hop in the Trak-Tour, and head over to “Martha’s House”. Well, Joey decides that he wants to ride his new Power Wheels Bigfoot car. They arrive at “Martha’s House”, and Joey gets in his Bigfoot car and starts riding around. Well, everyone knows how easy the batteries in those things run down, so Joey’s riding around having fun, and suddenly, it stops.


Joey: Dammit, my battery went dead!!! Waaaaaaa!!!


Joey begins crying, and Martha Stewart comes over.


Martha: Your battery went dead? Here, let me try something.


Martha Stewart pulls out a pine cone and a hot glue gun, and messes around with the battery for a minute, and stands up.


Martha: There. It’s fixed now.


Joey hops in and begins riding around again. Martha walks into her house, pours her some hard liquor, and goes over to Shawn.


Martha: Why the hell are you dressed up like a clown?


Shawn: You wouldn’t understand.


Martha: I don’t understand a lot of things. Like why I always get associated with beautiful homes. Look at this place!


Martha motions with her hand at the room they are in. The pictures are on the wall slanted, there are dirty clothes lying all over everywhere, and dirty dishes are piled up on the tables.


Martha: Does this look like a clean, beautiful house to you?


Shawn: Compared to my place, sure!!


Martha then offers Slipknot a drink, and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of the bar for herself. She starts guzzling it.


Jim: This chick’s pretty cool!!


Martha guzzles on her whiskey a little more.


Paul: Snort, snort, so what are we going to do today?


Martha: I don’t know, piggie. I know what we’re not going to do. We’re not gonna let a certain little pig raid my refrigerator and eat all my food up, now are we?


Jim: Oooooooo, Paul’s shit outta luck!!!


Martha: And we’re not going to listen to a certain tall Godzilla-On-Crack use profane words all day, either, now are we?


Silence.


Martha: Answer me you goddamn mother fuckers!!!!


Jim: Hell, yeah, I’m gonna cuss all fucking day, bitch!!! What the hell you think you’re gonna do about that shit, huh?


Martha: Not a damn thing!!! Alright!!!


Martha grabs some Styrofoam and some ribbon, and begins fiddling around with it.


Martha: Okay, today we are going to make homemade dildos. We take the Styrofoam, and cut it using our piece of glass. We take this once we have shaped it using our paper towel roll, and we test it out using our bootjack.


Paul: Snort, can I use my mouth instead?


Martha: Okay, next we take some feathers and some hay, and we will now make butt plugs.


Martha tosses her now empty bottle of whiskey in the trash and gets a bottle of vodka.


Martha: Okay, we want our butt plugs to have a triangular shape to them, so we shall use a lampshade. Okay, we shall now put this in the freezer to make it become solid.


Martha puts their butt plugs in the freezer, on top of some old chicken that is melting and has gotten chicken juice all over everywhere. Martha continues drinking her vodka.


Martha: (wobbling) Okay, what we’re gonna do now, is take some basil, and some honey, and make diapers. Now, we take our apples and we use those to make them into a round shape. We then put them in a deep fryer, set it to 9000 degrees, and throw it in the trash, go down to the Food Lion, and buy some fucking Pampers!!!


Martha then grabs some tequila and swigs some of it down.


Martha: (hobbling) Okay…now whut we’re a-gonna do now is…bake us up some pig feet. Now, since we don’t have any pig’s-a feet around here, we’re gonna have to go hunt us down some pigs!!! Oh, look!!! There’s one there!!!


Martha begins drunkenly chasing Paul around the kitchen.


Martha: Suuuueeeeeey!!!! Here, piggie, piggie!!! C’mere, dammit!!! I’ma gonna cut you up, make me some pig’s feet, bake me some ham, fry me up some bacon and some fat back, mmmmm-mmmmm-good!!!


Martha falls down.


Martha: Okay, I guess we’ll have to cook us a coconut pizza, instead. It has less fat, less calories, and a higher amount of Vitamin Z than regular pizza!!


Slipknot: Yum!!!


Martha: Who stole my fucking tequila worm? Who the hell did it? Okay, to make coconut pizza, we need some red pepper, sauerkraut, and some ice trays. Now, we mix that all together, and throw in some pine cones, apple-cinnamon flavored wine, and a pinch of salt. No, no, no. That’s not a pinch! This is a pinch!


Martha dumps a five gallon bucket of salt into the mixture. She then grabs the apple-cinnamon flavored wine and takes a swig of that.


Martha: Mmmmm…that’s some good stuff right there. Now, we mix this together with a huge spork, and take a bite. Mmmm…crunchy!!! There’s a lot of iron in there!!! Okay, next we put in some Tabasco sauce. We mix this together, and pop it in our Easy Bake Oven, and let it cook. Here’s one we finished earlier, and it tastes fucked-up!!!


Slipknot: Fucked up!!!


Martha: Okay, that’s about all the time we have today. I need to go have me a drink now….


Martha wobbles off. Chris has been waiting for this moment for a while. Martha is so drunk that she doesn’t realize what is happening. He goes over, and starts making out with Martha Stewart. Then, he begins to guide her towards the bedroom. He rummages through her drawers and finds some black lingerie. He tosses it to Martha, and tells her to put it on. She does, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, and, well, one thing leads to another, and Chris and Martha Stewart fornicate.


Oh, Yummy Dude!!! I Want To Screw Martha Stewart Too!!!