Okay, Slipknot thought that they would come and tour in North Carolina a bit. I don’t know why, but they did. Little did they know, but right now, it’s so fucking cold over here that if you try to go outside, your nuts freeze and drop off!!! Well, they tried to rough it out and sleep in their Trak-Tour, but they finally just gave up and rented a really, really, really cheap hotel room.
Corey: Hey, is this one of those places with hourly rates?
No, it’s not, Corey.
Corey: Damn.
Anyway, Slipknot get them a room, and they find…
Jim: What the hell?
Paul: What? No damn bed?
Chris: There are sheets….they are extremely stained, but still….
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! NO BED!!! GODDAMMIT!!! STAINED SHEETS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO WE LOOK LIKE?!? SOME GODDAMN INCUBUS?!? GODDAMMIT I DON’T LIKE SLEEPING ON SHITTY, CUM-FILLED SHEETS LIKE THEM!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
Slipknot then decides to all sleep on the floor. Corey starts digging at something. He continues this for about fifteen minutes.
Corey: Dammit!! My fucking ass itches!! Scratching it is not helping!!! I can’t even feel it!!!
Joey: (with a very pleased expression on his face) That’s because you’ve been digging at my crotch!!!
Corey: Damn little whore fag!!! I’m gonna sleep in the fucking bathroom!!!!
Corey goes into the bathroom. It is one of those little dank ones that is covered in dog-sized roaches, has the piss puddle in the middle of the floor, has no shower curtain, and smells strongly of booze and urine.
The floor is covered in toilet paper.
Corey: Dammit!!! Someone stole my bathroom design!!!
Corey tries to curl up in the corner. Corey looks over at the toilet. Suddenly…
Corey: Oh, my god!!! It’s Denise Richards!!!
Corey runs over, lifts up the toilet seat, and begins humping the little hole he has created between the seat and the toilet bowl.
Craig: Dammit!! I got the shits!!! Get out of the way!!!
Craig comes running in, and plops down on the toilet seat.
Corey: OW, FUCK GODDAMMIT!!!! MOTHER FUCKER THAT HURTS!!!
Craig: Oh, shit dude!!!
Corey: I know!!! I’m fucking bleeding!!!
Craig: No, but I shit on your dick, too!!!
Craig reaches down, and grabs some toilet paper from the floor.
Corey: (crying) I think you broke it….
Corey holds up his penis, which is pointing in two different directions.
Corey: Dammit…now what am I going to hump Denise Richards with?
Craig: Try using Chris’ nose!!!
Jim comes running up in the bathroom, and begins digging through the cabinets.
Jim: (panicking) Where the hell is it? WHERE THE HELL IS IT?
Joey: What the hell are you looking for?
Jim: MY FUCKING WEED!!! WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!?!?
Joey: Oh, uhm, that…well...I think I ate some of it…
Jim knocks him into the wall.
Jim: What the hell did it look like?
Joey: It was brown and powdery, with little black dots…
Jim: That was Nutmeg, you fucking idiot!!!!
Joey: Oh, so that’s why I feel high….
*Note to readers: Nutmeg does cause a high. It has side effects and shit, but who the hell cares? It says so in this book that Rain has!!
Jim: WHERE THE HELL IS MY POT?!?!?
Paul starts laughing and snorting.
Jim: What the hell you laughing at, piggie?
Paul: Snort, snort, I kicked that mother fucker…ha ha ha….I kicked that mother fucker right down the toilet.…ha ha ha…..
Jim: (screechy, high ass Fran-Drescher voice) What the fuck? Are you fucking crazy? Are you out of your fucking mind?
Paul: Ha, ha, ha….that shit won’t doing anybody any good, so I kicked that fucker…ha ha ha….I kicked that fucker right down the fucking toilet….ha ha ha…..
Jim: (still screeching) It might not have been helping you, but I knew how to roll it right!!!
Jim knocks Paul’s piggie ass through the damn wall.
Craig: Dude! You should roll up some catnip!!
*Note: Quit laughing. Catnip can also get you high. This you roll, unlike nutmeg, and it is also legal. This is also in Rain’s book.
Jim: I don’t fucking have any more!!! Mick’s damn puppy-kittens took it all from me!!!
Mick: Grrrr….is that threat…to puppy-kitten…..?
Jim: No!!! Where the fuck can I get some damn catnip at this time of the night?
Shawn: Goddammit!!! Come on!!! Let’s find a goddamn mother fuckin’ pet store!!!!
Shawn jerks on Sid’s leash, drags him through the door, and Jim follows. Jim grabs two big sticks, and uses his shoes as skis. He tries to go cross-country style, while Shawn trudges along.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! I’m cold!!!
Shawn grabs Sid, throws his legs over his right shoulder, wraps him around his neck, and uses him like a scarf. They walk along (or in Jim’s case, ski along…or in Sid’s case, scarf along…) until they find a twenty-four hour mini-mart. They walk in.
Cashier: (peeking out from under his turban) Yes ,yes ,how be of you on day what is today? I thank you veiry ,veiry much ,yes .
*Note: This is the actual way that SOME of them type. Trust us, we know.
Jim, Shawn, and Sid make their way around the store. They get to the hat rack thing, and Shawn looks up.
Shawn: They done come out with a new goddamn John Deere hat!!!
Shawn yanks the hat off of the rack, and plops it down on his head.
Shawn: There, goddammit!!!
Shawn, Jim, and Sid walk around some more, and grab various items, you know, a Milky Way or two, some No Doz and Jolt Cola for Sid, couple of beers, things like that. They start to walk out of the door.
Cashier (uhm, let’s call him…Anwar): No !No !You pay ,you pay now !Money ,money ,money for turban !
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! What the hell are you babbling about?
Anwar: You pay money of turban now .Must need of the money .Right now !Twelve U.S.D. !
Anwar holds out his hand, and Shawn plops a turd down in it.
Anwar: That is be of nasty .You is of a mean bad person !You be to of naughty !
Jim: (mumbles) Yeah, you’re a naughty girl, GO TO MY ROOM!!
Anwar: What was that of to be ,sexy ?
Jim: Dude, is he fucking hitting on me?
Shawn: I think that goddamn bitch is!!!
Anwar: Oooo ,sexy boiy ,come here sexy boiy ,I kiss you !Sex ,nude !Sex ,nude !Sex ,nude !
Jim: What the hell are you talking about?
Anwar starts making grabbing motions in Sid’s direction.
Anwar: Come to for good sex ,cute boiy .Cute nude boiy !Want to sex with yung child !
Sid flies up, throws off his pants, yanks down his knickers, and hovers over Anwar’s head.
Anwar: Nude flying sexy boiy !Sexy boiy !
Jim: More like a nude flying gnat!!!
Sid starts to piss on Anwar’s turban.
Anwar: Oooooo ,oooooo ,lovely of to be golden of shower !Lovely yung boiy !
Jim: You need to take a damn shower…YOU FUCKING STINK LIKE HELL!!
Anwar: Dear ,I no be of stink !I use skin lightening for cream to be of the cleanliness of me .
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! FUCKING TALK STRAIGHT!!!
Anwar: I to be of understanding of no .
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! DON’T MAKE ME KICK YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING ASS!!!
Anwar: Whatah be’s of this ?
Shawn jumps over the counter, grabs Anwar by the throat, and begins punching on him.
Anwar: No ,no ,I no like this ,no kinkie ,only anal sex do we !Git off of me ,fatso !
Shawn: Goddammit, I’m fat and beautiful, bitch!!!
Shawn continues, until Anwar is a bloody pulp, and he, Jim, and Sid leave the store.
Anwar: (laying on the floor, bleeding to death) Thank you ,come again !
Shawn trips up, and falls on his ass. Jim gets a happy expression on his face.
Jim: Dude, it’s a sled!!!
Jim and Sid jump onto Shawn’s stomach, and begin sledding through the snow. Eventually, Jim pulls out his Power Rangers, and begins fighting them. Shawn starts bucking like a horse.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! Quit playing with my dick!!! Not for guys, damn you!!!
Finally, Shawn, Jim, and Sid arrive at a building which says “Pet Shop – Open All Night” and go in. Only problem is, this just happens to be a strip club.
Two Hours Later…
Jim: Hey, Shawn, you about ready to go? We gotta go find some catnip!
Shawn: Wait a minute, let me get one more lap dance.
Shawn puts down his beer. Sid, who has been flying around in circles over the table, swoops down and gets another mouthful of beer. Shawn signals for a lap dance, and a six foot nine, three hundred fifty-pound “lady” comes over in his direction.
The “lady” starts giving Shawn his lap dance. “Her” high heel breaks, and “she” starts pulling a leaning tower of Pisa to the left side, falls in Shawn’s lap and busts his left nut.
Shawn: (jumping up) GODDAMMIT!!! OW!!! YOU LITTLE WHORE-SLUT!!! YOU BROKE MY GODDAMN NADS!!!
Stripper named CandyGirl: Oh, you touched me!! I’m sueing you!!! You touched! You touched!!!
Shawn then picks “her” up and tosses “her” across the room. Shawn then jumps on stage, and begins yelling about “how ‘she’ broke his goddamn nuts”.
Joey then runs in. He hops up on-stage and begins stripping, leaving his mask on.
Joey: Oooo, baby! You want this don’t you?
All the guys start cheering. Shawn picks up his beer.
Shawn: (spitting out his beer) Goddammit!!! Little whore-slut got ass-dust in my beer!!!
Joey gets down to his boxers, Shawn gets down to his tighty-whiteys, Sid gets down to his knickers, and Jim runs up wearing nothing, grabs Shawn, Sid, and Joey, and tugs them off-stage. Jim leads the others outside, and Shawn is forced to the ground. They all hop back onto Shawn’s belly, and sled off. They continue along, still looking for an open pet shop.
Back At The Hotel…
Corey: (whining) My penis will never be the same again…..omigod! Is that? Nah, it can’t be.
Corey looks over at a lamp. Suddenly…
Corey: Oh, my god!!! It’s Denise Richards!!!
Corey begins running over, and halfway there, he doubles over, screaming in pain.
Corey: OWWWWW!!!! MY GODDAMN DICK HURTS!!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!
Chris: Oh, ya know what? I think that Corey was trying to hump that lamp….
Chris goes over to the lamp, picks it up, and places it on the floor.
Chris: Like this!!!!
Chris begins humping the lamp.
Chris: Oh, yeah baby!!! Corey can’t give it to you like I can, can he? Oh, yeah!!!
Meanwhile, Mick has walked into the bathroom, and grabbed up a ton of pissy toilet paper off of the floor. He then walks over, grabs Corey’s dick, and begins wrapping the pissy toilet paper tightly around Corey’s dick.
Corey: I can’t feel my dick anymore!!! What the hell did you do to it?!?!?
Mick: Grrrrrrr….shut….hell…up…..
Chris: Oh, YEAH, baby!!! Oh, you like me inside of you, don’t you? Yeah, oh, yeah, I love your sweet cunt, Denise!!!
Corey: (rising up into the air) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Chris: Yes, Denise, take me inside of you now….
Corey tackles Chris at the ankles.
Corey: Dammit, you leave my fucking lover alone!!! Just ‘cause my dick got broke, don’t mean I can’t give her my love!!!
Corey begins banging Chris’ head against the wall.
Little Girly Voice From Next Room Over: Y’all, kawit……ain’t nobodies dick that goooood….
Corey continues to pound Chris’ head into the wall. A fist from next door comes flying through, and we see Michael Jackson’s eye pop up at the newly created hole.
Michael Jackson: Where ya’ll at? I want to see your sexy naked bodies!
Chris pokes his nose up at the hole, and pokes Michael Jackson in the eye. Michael backs off, and we see that he is naked in bed with Prince. Prince and Michael start kissing.
Prince: This is even better than gay porn!!!
Michael: Cheaper too!!!
Michael Jackson and Prince start to fornicate with each other. Okay, I’ll not go into descriptions here, like who is the man and who is the woman, ‘cause we all know they both have to use a dildo, but I will say I’m damn glad I’m not the maid who had to clean up those sheets. Tons of cream were in there. Both the whipped kind and the human nutsack kind. Oh, and some damn melted chocolate, too. Oh, yeah, Chris then tried to use his ass to stuff the hole shut. Chris became the next dildo victim. Ow.
Back On The Shawn-Sled…
Sid: Buuuuzzzzzzz….Dude, what the hell is that?
Jim: I think it’s another one of them tit bars!
Shawn: (spitting out snow) It says “Open All-Night”, GET THE HELL OFFA ME, GODDAMMIT!!!! I THINK I'VE GOT ANAL FROST BITE NOW!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
They re-clothe themselves, and then walk into another “All-Night Pet Store”, but this one had animals rolling around in there, instead of naked humans…
Cashier dude: (adjusting his Harry Potter glasses and pulling up his suspenders) Hi!!! Can I help you?! I know all there is to know about animals!!!!!!
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!! Get away, jackass!!! We’re just looking for some kind of animal named “Catnip”!!!
Geek-ass cashier named Chuckie: Oh, that’s right here, sweetie!
Shawn: GODDAMMIT! That’s not a damn animal!!! That’s just… some kind of plant!! How the hell are we supposed to roll it up and smoke it!!
Jim: (whining) But…but…but…it looks so much like my pot!!!!!!
Joey and Sid wander off to search what’s in the back. They walk past the fish tanks, and stumble into a tattoo parlor.
Artist named PurpleSkull: (talking to the other artist) Damn! Check out that hot little black and red haired chick!!! I’d love to get a piece of that ass!!
Other artist named RaenBo: Go get her!!
PurpleSkull walks over to that hot little black and red haired chick.
PurpleSkull: Hey, hot thing, how’s it going?
Joey: What in the hell are you talking about?
RaenBo: Go ahead man! You can do it!!!
PurpleSkull: I want to sex you up, honey… So come on out back with me, hop on my bike, and let’s fuck. Then you can get my name tattooed on your inner thigh.
Joey: (doing one of those ‘tee-hee’ laughs) Um.. No thanks. You wouldn’t be able to satisfy me. Plus, you wouldn’t like my plumbing.
PurpleSkull: I’d like to disagree. (begins pulling Joey’s clothes off)
PurpleSkull gets down to Joey’s boxers.
PurpleSkull: Oh, so you’re one of those chick’s that like to wear boxers, huh?
PurpleSkull then jerks off his pants and reveals his tighty-whiteys. Then he rips off Joey’s boxers.
PurpleSkull: Dammit, dude! Why didn’t you tell me that you had a dick!!!
Joey: I told you that you wouldn’t like my plumbing!!!
PurpleSkull: I don’t care, baby!! Come here for some good loving!!!
Joey begins running through the store naked. He runs into a guy with a huge feeder rat. The rat goes flying in the air and lands on Joey’s head.
Joey: AAHHHHH!! AAHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!!! OMIGOD!!!! GETTIT OFF!!!! GETTIT OFF!!!!
Joey then begins running in circles. Eight guys try to tackle him and miss.
Joey: DAMMIT!!! GET THIS RAT OFFA MEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!!
The rat then has a heartattack and falls off of Joey’s head. Joey starts panting and clutching his chest.
Joey: Ah….Uhh….Ah.…Dude….Ah….My arm hurts….
Sid: Buzzzzz… which arm??
Joey: My right one, dude.
Everyone groans. Sid and Joey then run into Shawn and Jim.
Sid: Buuuzzzzz……. Shawn… come get new tattoo!!!!
Shawn: Uh, okay.
Shawn and Sid walk back to the tattoo parlor.
PurpleSkull: Ah, hell. (pulls up his pants) Well, at least it’s not anymore chicks with dicks.
Shawn: What in the goddamn hell are you talking about?
PurpleSkull: There was some damn chick in here with red and black hair that I tried to screw, until I saw she had a dick.
Shawn: Hmmmm….sounds like Joey…
PurpleSkull: My name is PurpleSkull…
Shawn: Violet.
PurpleSkull: What are you talking about?
Shawn: Violet. Your name.
PurpleSkull: No, it’s PurpleSkull.
Shawn: Violet, goddammit!!!
PurpleSkull: No, it’s fucking purple!!!
Shawn: It’s violet, goddamn you!!!
Actually, it’s supposed to be lavender!!!
Shawn and PurpleSkull: Oh.
Shawn: Goddammit!!! Why didn’t you say so?
‘Cause I didn’t feel like it.
Shawn: Goddammit!!! Well, fuck you too, then!!!
PurpleSkull: What kind of tattoo do you want?
Shawn: Hmmmm…I want one that says, “Sid Is My Bitch!”
PurpleSkull: Hmmmm…the bitch thing seems popular these days…
Shawn: Hunh?
PurpleSkull: Oh, we had someone come in here….uhm….I think it was two days ago, wanting one claiming that Mick was his bitch….
Shawn: That damn Echo. When’s he gonna learn? Anyway, I want that tattoo riiiiiiiiiigggghhhht here!
Shawn points to his inner right thigh. Shawn begins to strip.
PurpleSkull: (singing to the tune of Everclear’s “Wonderful”) I’ma close my eyes, ‘cause it gettin’ bad,
I see things that I know are bad,
Close my eyes and I count to ten,
hope that (red and black haired) chick’s here when I open them,
I want the things that I had before,
Like a bondage bitch and an old French whore,
I wish I could count to ten,
Make everything be wonderful again,
I hope Jenny Craig and I hope Slim Fast,
will figure out why you get so fat,
Hear your belt scream, I hear it fight,
to hold your pants above your thigh,
I close my eyes to get it out my head and I,
dream avengers make you run a mile,
I feel better when I hear you say,
“That’s enough, I’ll pull ‘em up in a little while”,
Promises mean everything,
and your waist is sooo big…
RaenBo: So big!
PurpleSkull: I just don’t understand how,
you can smile with all that fat on your thighs,
please tell me everything is wonderful now!
PurpleSkull uncovers his eyes, while RaenBo begins na-na-na-ing for about two hours. Shawn then knocks the hell out of PurpleSkull, sits on his head a minute, lets loose a fart, and forces RaenBo to give him his tattoo. RaenBo begins feeling Shawn up while giving him his tattoo.
Shawn: Ooooo, yeah, baby….I like this place….how much do I have to pay for you?
*Note: Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention that RaenBo was female, didn’t we? Or, at least, RaenBo appears to be female…I don’t think RaenBo actually is female…
Shawn finally gets his tattoo finished.
Shawn: Sid!!! It’s your turn now, goddammit!!!
Sid swoops down, and Shawn snatches him up, and places him in the chair. They strap him in.
RaenBo: What should his tat say?
Shawn: Uhm, how about, “I am Shawn’s bitch.” Write that now, goddammit!!! All the way down his fucking back!!!
RaenBo begins running the ink over Sid’s back. Sid begins thrashing about, trying to get out.
Sid: BUUUUUZZZZZZZZ…..GODDAMMIT LEMME THA FUCK OUTTA HERE THIS FUCKING HURTS!!!!!
Shawn: That’s why you get anashesaa…anasthesaaa….dammit, that why they shoot you full of morphine!!!
Sid finally gets out.
Sid: Buzzzzzz…….what it does say? What does it say?
Shawn: I’m not sure, ‘cause it’s real blurry, but I think it does say, “I am Shawn’s bitch. Write that now, goddammit! All the way down his fucking back!”
Sid: Buzzzzzzz…..I want to see!!!
Sid begins flying around in circles. Shawn yanks on his leash, meets back up with Jim and Joey, and walk back through the eight feet of snow that the news pricks said we’d get, but turned out to be less than an inch. Take that, Weather Channel!!! Yeah, you too, Steve Swinkowski (however the hell you spell it)!!!! They get back to the hotel room to find Chris cradling a broken lamp, Corey, penis wrapped in pissy toilet paper, strutting around the room, Mick cradling a puppy-kitten, asking it if Chris hurt it when he “violated” it, Craig rolling up a nutmeg joint, and Paul snorting some nutmeg.
Jim: We’re fucking back!
Joey looks over at Craig uneasily. Craig gives Joey the cold shoulder.
Shawn: What in the goddamn hell is wrong with you two?
Joey: I sorta…uhm….well….
Craig: HE FUCKING FELT ME UP!!!
Joey: I didn’t know it was him!!! The lesbian chicks next door…
Corey: Oh, we found out later that it was Michael Jackson and Prince!!
Joey: Really? Okay. They got carried away, and knocked the power out, and Craig bumped into me, and I thought he was a chick, so I pinched his ass and grabbed his crotch!
Craig: HE FUCKING FELT ME UP!!!
Jim: Okaaaaaayyyyy. I’ma smoke my catnip joint now….
Jim rolls him up a catnip joint.
Jim: Damn, this thing tastes weird!
‘Knot runs over and robs Jim of his catnip joint. They all begin to smoke the catnip joint. Suddenly, they hear a knock on the door, and Kathy Lee Gifford walks in.
Kathy Lee: (kneeling before Mick) I have come to serve the new Satan. What would you have me to do, dark master?
Oh, my god! The world is ending! Kathy Lee is a disciple of Satan!!!