Yeah, we went to Blockbuster Video, and were looking around in the horror section, ‘cause that’s about the only damn section worth looking in, and we found a little underground direct-to-video movie in there called, “Horror Movie”. Well, there was a guy on there who sorta looked like Joey, so, naturally, we rented it! Well, we took it home and watched it, and sure e-damn-nough, it had Slipknot in it. Well, we won’t go into all of the details of the whole movie, but we will give you the basics. Okay, here is what the back of the case said.
“A young boy (Joey Jordison) finds out that his doll (Gary Coleman) has come alive and is spewing acidic crap. What can he do? He calls upon an exorcist (Mick Thompson), to try to get the demon to leave, but his best friend (Sid Wilson) and his guardian (Shawn Crahan) find themselves trapped by the murderous rage of the doll! Starring Martha Stewart as Joey’s sister Zoey, Chris Fehn as Zoey’s boyfriend, Jim Root as the pot-smoking Godzilla, Corey Taylor as the neighbor, Denise Richards as the neighbor’s wife, Paul Grey as Joey’s wannabe-druggie older brother, Craig Jones as a mental institute escapee, Lenny Kravitz as the pizza boy, and Bob Villa as an old pervert (himself)!”
Okay, here’s essentially what the movie was like…
Slipknot and Zoey go to a concert. But not just any concert, a Jeffrey Dahmer Band concert. They rock out a while, and one of the lights from the light show hits Corey in the chest. Well, we then find out that it happened to be a British-Made Olde Englishe ray. Suddenly…
Corey: Bloody hell! Ye faire wench! Come hither! I shalt place mine head in thine bosom!
Corey then proceeds to have sexual relations with Denise Richards in the middle of the floor. Later, when Slipknot return home, they open the front door, only to find…
Bob Villa: Oh, yes!! YES!!! Oh, yes!!! Oh, GOD, YES!!!!
Jim: Dude, is that?
Chris: I think it’s Bob Villa….
Zoey: Oh, gross! Oh, my, GOD! He is having sex with tha-ree ska-wurels!
Corey: Thine doth be a pervert! Remove thy rod, pick up thine staff, and doth not alloweth thou to place eyes upon thee again!
Sid: Buzzzz…whoops, I mean, yesseth! Thine doth be wicked! Thine shalt be banished from this place, never to returneth again!
Chris: Oh, god, dude, I’m so fucking horny right now…. (starts tugging on Zoey’s sleeve) C’mon, Zoey… Give me a blowjob... C’mon… Please baby! I NEED it!!!
Zoey: (sighs) Okay….
Zoey puts Chris’ nose in her mouth and begins…you know what the fuck a blowjob is, why do I have to describe it? She gives him a nose-blowjob…. a nose-job!!!
Chris: Oh, yeah, that’s it…that’s the spot… right there…. oh, yeah….
The screen then went black, and we then are in Joey’s room. He was playing with his dolls, and he picked up one of them. It was a black female doll with blonde hair. He put an alien mask on this doll, and made it sit down. He then went to the bathroom. While he was gone, Sid sneaks into his room, carrying a box of Ex-Lax.
Cut to the bathroom. Joey is sitting on the toilet, swinging his legs and humming.
Cut to the bedroom. Sid is pouring Ex-Lax down the masked dolls’ throat. He puts it down, and walks off. The doll starts convulsing on the floor. Joey comes back in, throws the doll up in the air a few times, and then throws it into the corner. Later on, we see Joey sleeping. We then see the doll hop up onto the bed, straddle Joey, and attempt to strangle him. Joey throws the doll off, and starts yelling. Shawn comes running in.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! What the hell is all that yelling about?
Joey: My doll tried to kill me!!!
Shawn: (knocking Joey upside the head) GODDAMMIT!!! What the hell did I tell you about having a goddamn imagination? Get that shit outta your head and concentrate on important things, like screwing little kids!!!
Joey lies back down and tries to go back to sleep.
The Next Morning…
Joey: I swear my doll tried to kill me last night!!!
Shawn: Goddammit! Shut the hell up about them damn dolls of yours!
Paul: Snort, yeah.
Paul then pours a line of baby powder on the table, and snorts it up his nose. He does this again,, and again, then white stuff starts pouring out of his mouth.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! PAUL DONE OVERDOSED ON BABY POWDER AGAIN!!!
Shawn then drags Paul into the living room, and puts him on the couch.
*Note: Oooo, Mad Libs time!!! Uhm, Rain filled in the underlined thingies!
Shawn then goes back to fixing French toast, using his crock-pot.
Jim: Crack pipe?
No, I said crock-pot.
Jim: Oh.
Shawn: Who wants some Fruity Pebbles on top of their French toast?
Chris: I do, I do!
Jim: I want some pizza on the side!!!
Corey: Hey, neighbor! How about frying me up some of your world famous turkey flavored grits!
Joey: I’d rather have a kiwi!
Shawn: I’m not some kind of Korean slave!
Craig: Fix me up some brownies using a bag of sugar and watermelon juice!!
Joey’s Doll: I want Richard Simmons’ ass, served up well-done in a potpourri pot!!!
Joey leaps up onto the table, trying to get away from the doll.
Chris: That doll is pretty hot!!! I want to screw it!
The doll then grabs Chris by the crotch.
Chris: (evil voice) It’s Alive! It’s alive! Oh, god, it’s alive!
The doll then bites Chris in the penis.
Chris: You bitch-ass, cock-sucking, goat-fucker!!!!
The doll lets go of Chris’ dick and grabs Shawn by the middle finger and yanks on it. Shawn lets loose a fart, and the doll throws him backward onto the goddamn kitchen table. The doll then pinches Jim’s mouth and stuffs Craig’s ear into it. The doll then grabs a butter knife and stabs Sid in the toe. Sid cries out and jumps into the kitchen sink. The doll then starts chasing Joey around the kitchen. Joey slips out into the living room, and disappears. The doll comes into the living room, carrying the butter knife.
Doll: Where are you, Joey? I WANT TO PLAY!!!
Zoey: (talking in baby talk) And who is this cutie pie? Goo goo gaa gaa!
Doll: Hmmmmm….DIE!!!
The doll whips up it’s arm, and Zoey screams. She then darts up the stairs, with the doll following close behind. Zoey turns a corner and…
Zoey: Oh, no! Dead end!
Zoey turns around, and the doll smiles. It raises it’s arm, and hurls the butter knife at Zoey! Zoey screams as the knife tumbles through the air, end over end, and stops...
...in the wall beside her ankle.
Doll: DAMMIT! Now what am I gonna do?
The doll suddenly shits itself.
Doll: Damn! Baby went poo!! Waaaa!!!
Without warning, the doll gets an idea, and reaches into it’s pants and throws it’s turds at Zoey!!! It hits her in the arm, and starts sizzling!!!
Zoey: Oh, no!!! It’s eating away my arm!!! Acid turds!!! Acid Turds!!!
At that moment, the doorbell rings.
Doll: I’m coming to get you, Joey!!!
The doll runs down the stairs, and opens the front door.
Lenny Kravitz: Pizza delivery. I made it here in less than thirty minutes, that means you owe me….$13.50, plus any generous tips….
Doll: Yes….come in, come in….
Lenny Kravitz walks in the door.
Doll: I have your money riiiiiiight….here!
The doll hurls some of it’s acidic crap at Lenny Kravitz’s face.
Lenny: (grabbing at his eyes) Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doll: Joey…..oh, Joey……
Meanwhile, Joey has run off and found Mick.
Joey: Ya gotta help me! That doll is trying to kill me!!! You have to stop it!!!
Mick: Grrrrrr…..Mick……exorcise…..demon…..
Joey: Uhm, it looked like it was in shape to me…
Mick clubs Joey.
Mick: Grrrrr…..exorcise….not…exercise….
Mick and Joey head back to the house, where the doll has been ransacking rooms, looking for Joey.
Doll: Joey! Come out, come out, wherever you are! COME OUT AND PLAY, DAMMIT!!!
Joey: Looking for me?
The doll starts running at Joey, but Mick throws it across the room. Bob Villa then comes walking into the living room, carrying four squirrels.
Bob Villa: (to squirrels) You know, every minute, of every day, I can just feel every inch of you…
Mick: Grrrrr…..get….hell…..out…..
Bob Villa then goes out of the window.
Mick: Grrrrrr….dollie….come….get….some….
The doll rushes Mick, but he body slams it, and pulls out his club.
Mick: (clubbing the doll) Grrrrr….let Satan in you….let Satan in you…..
Joey whispers in Mick’s ear.
Mick: Grrrrrr….oh…. (continues clubbing the doll) …..grrrr….let Satan out of you…..let Satan out of you……..
Mick finally kills the doll, and everyone rejoices. Joey then goes upstairs, and begins putting a mask on another doll….
Uh, No….Not Another Damn Sequel!!!!