Hmmm...seems forever since I did this. Now I have to sit here and write another story to entertain you all. Lovely waste of my time. :: sighs :: Anyway...today's story is about what happens when the clown goes mad. One day, Slipknot were sitting in their camper trailor. Well...some of them were sitting. Sid was buzzing around the light fixture, and bumping into the light bulb. Suddenly, from somewhere in the back......
Voice: Sieg hail, goddammit!!!
Shawn comes rushing in, wearing a green jumper, with a little mustache over his lip, and a swastika drawn on his forehead.
Shawn: I am Hitler. You may all bow down before me.
Jim: What the fuck?
Shawn: You! Jew! In my slave camps!
Shawn grabs Jim by the foot, and begins dragging him into the kitchen.
Jim: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Shawn: I'm putting you in my goddamn slave camp! Sieg hail!
Shawn attempts to shove Jim into the stove.
Jim: (being bashed in the head by the door) Dude, would you fuckin' quit already?!?
Shawn: Silence, Jew! You shall be my slave and you shall like it!!!
Corey and Joey come running in.
Corey: Dude, what the fuck's all the commotion?
Shawn: This goddamn Jew won't go in my slave camp!
Corey: Jews have to go in a slave camp?
Shawn: Yes! Sieg hail!
Shawn continues to try to shove Jim into the stove. Meanwhile, Corey grabs Joey, and attempts to shove him into the stove as well.
Corey: Sieg hail, mother fucker!!!
Shawn: Sieg hail, goddammit!!!
Corey: What the hell does sieg hail mean, anyway?
Shawn: It means shove harder, goddammit! Now push!
Corey overpowers Joey, of course.... then, suddenly...
Corey: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S JENNA JAMESON!!!
Corey rips the fucking door off the stove, right as
Shawn: Nein!!! Sie haben es ruiniert!
Corey: Huh? Fucking English, dude.
Shawn: DEATH!!!! DEATH TO YOU BY MEANS OF SESQUIPEDALIAN!!!!!
Corey gives Shawn the blankest look, then pulls Joey & Jim out of the stove, duct tapes them together, and begins humping a duct tape hole he has created.
Corey: (moaning) Jenna... oh, god... Jenna... and Denise!!! Oh, god... both of you.... Ohhhh...
Corey's friction ends after three pumps. Awww. Poor Corey. Everyone (but Shawn & Sid) passes out from the stench of Shawn's gas. Sid floats towards the floor, light-headed from the smell. Shawn pulls out a pocket anus, and stuffs Sid inside.
Shawn: Goddammit. We go to the fortress.
Shawn begins heading towards his secret fortress, which is actually a pile of old mattresses in the backyard. Shawn rips Sid out of the pocket anus.
Shawn: You shall be my messenger. You shall tell the Jews that we have candy in our slave camps, and that they can eat it all day.
Sid: Buzzzzzzzbutttttt.....not wanna.....
Shawn slaps Sid.
Shawn: You will! I command you!
Sid: Buzzzzz...yes, daddy.
Sid flies off to tell the Jews that there is candy in the slave camps.
Joey: There's candy in the slave camps?!?!?!
Joey hops in the stove.
Joey: Why didn't you tell me there was candy in the slave camps?!?!?
Sid: Buzzz.....I didn't know there was candy in the slave camps.
Sid pauses.
Sid: Buzzzwait. There's candy in the slave camps?!?!?!!?
Sid hops into the stove with Joey.
Sid: Buuuuuzzzzzzzzcaaaaannnnddddddyyyy....
Joey: Where the fuck's the candy, Sidney?!
Sid: BUZZZZZ!!!! Don't call me Sidneeeeey....
Joey: Okay, Sidney... well, where the hell is the candy?!
Sid: Buzzz... CAAAANDY!! THERE!!!
Sid points to something at the bottom of the stove that looks like wads of clown hair.
Sid & Joey: CANDY!!!
Jim: Candy?! Where?!
Jim throws Sid, and Joey out of the
Joey: IT'S MINE!!!
Sid: BUZZZZNOOOOO! MINE!!!!!!
Joey crams back into the stove, as does Sid. By this time, Shawn has wondered back in, and is standing there amused by the whole deal.
Shawn: Sieg hail!
Paul wakes up very groggiy.
Paul: Snort... snortsnortsnort... candy?!
Paul then tries to cram his piggy ass in the stove.
Shawn: More sieg hail-ness!
Shawn begins welding the door back on the stove to cook his Jewy-snacks. The sides of the oven begin bulging out.
Shawn: Sieg....(shoving the door closed)...hail....gah....close!!!!
Shawn shoves the door closed. The sides of the oven collapse like a cardboard box when you've put too much shit in it. Or like when you put an Echo in it, and he runs around into trees and bushes and shit.
Shawn: Nein! Schließen Sie jetzt Sie eigenartig!
Joey: (chomping on Stubby hair candy) Yummy!!
Shawn: Erhalten Sie zurück in meinem sklavenlager jetzt! OH-, Blick. Meine Eselsgeruche von Roses.
Jim: I highly doubt that.
Shawn: Nein! Es! Nehmen Sie ein whiff! Jetzt!
Jim: I don't think so.
Corey: You shall! Immediately!
Shawn: Sieg hail!!!
Jim obeys Shawn.
Shawn: Es hat einen himmlischsten Geruch, es nicht?
Jim: Not really. It smells like fungus fumes.
Suddenly, Jim begins going into seizures. He convulses wildly. Suddenly...
Corey: OH-, mein Gott!!! Es Ist Denise Richards!!!
Corey dives over Shawn's rose smelling ass, and begins humping Jim in the middle of a convulsion. He thrusts several times, and then collapses on top of Jim. Jim finally stops convulsing.
Jim: (realizing what's going on) Hey, dude? Could you, uhm...take your dick out of my ass?
Corey: Shhhh...don't spoil the moment.
Jim: It hurts, man.
Corey: Shhhhh....
Jim: GET YOUR FUCKING DICK OUT OF MY ASS!!!
Corey: Okay, okay, fine. Damn. You give someone thirty seconds of ecstasy, and all you ask for is just a moment of silence to enjoy it all...
Shawn: Gekommen, mein imbecile Nachfolger. Wir müssen einen neuen Plan plotten, um jene regelwidrigen Juden zu erfassen.
Shawn and Corey head back towards der Fortress. Upon entering, they find Rain and Crow, forcing Paul to snort Parmesan cheese.
Rain: Snort it!
Crow: Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort! Snort!
Paul snorts the cheese, and it gets stuck in his lungs. He passes out.
Crow: Dude, score! We killed Piggie!
Rain and Crow high poke each other.
Shawn: Sie! Sie sind Nachfolger! Sie sind an der Ausrottung gut! Ich bin Ihr Führer! Schnüffeln Sie meinen Esel!
Rain: No. Yes. No. Hell no!
Crow: What he say?
Rain: Just tell him you'll do it.
Crow: Somehow, I highly doubt that.
Rain: Mean.
Crow: Meaner.
Shawn: Mittel!
Crow: Dude, what the fuck is he saying?
Rain: He's saying "I'm a scary ass clown with a swastica on my forehead, and I'm going to eat you all!!!"
Crow: Well, I figured that much.
Rain: He's also saying "My ass smells lovely, take a whiff and I will grant you wishes!"
Crow: Really?
Crow runs over to Shawn's ass. He puts it in his face, and prepares to take a whiff.
Crow: Wait. That's what you said about that nasty, raunchy ass Snapple bottle!!!
Rain: Damn.
Crow: Not happening.
Rain: Damn.
Rain reaches in her pocket.
Rain: Oh, yeah. Here, Stubby.
Rain gives Shawn the stank Snapple bottle with the dead bird and maggots in it.
Shawn: Danke. Ich denke.
Shawn sets the Snapple bottle down next to one of the many piss stains on the mattress.
Rain: This is boring. Elsewhere.
Crow: Indeed.
Rain and Crow begin wandering down a corridor of the fortress.
Crow: This looks familiar...
The corridor opens up, and they see a giant two-headed coin in front of them.
Crow: Dude...it's the ButtCave.
Rain and Crow begin exploring. Crow dives behind a cabinet, and Rain dives behind another. Suddenly, Crow jumps out...wearing a Buttman costume! Rain emerges, dressed as Rabbit!
Rain: Holy bleeding booty hole, Buttman!
Crow: Come, Rabbit! To the Buttmobile!
Buttman and Rabbit run to a car shaped like a giant ass.
Buttman: Let's go!
Buttman and Rabbit ride off in the Buttmobile.
Meanwhile...
Mick is running around his puppy-kitten pen, trying to catch Mimi.
Mick: Grrrrr...come of hither!!!
Mimi: No!!!!
Mick: Grrrr...come. Now.
Mimi: (ducking her head) Okay.
Mimi goes to Mick.
Mimi: I'm sorry I did it...
Mick: Grrr...no excuse.
Mimi: I won't do it again!
Mick: Grrrrrr...I know won't.
Mimi: So it's okay?
Mick: Grrrrrr....no. Still no excuse what you did.
Mimi: I know.
Mimi begins gagging.
Mick: Rrrrr?
Mimi coughs up a pair of Martha Stewart's non-edible undies.
Mick: Grrrrr...explain.
Mimi: I....kinda...slept with Chris again. And...Martha, too.
Mick: Grrrrr...Mimi have of three sex!!! GRRRRRRRRED!!!!
Mick grabs his club.
Mick: Grrrrrr.....base of ball....
Mick goes off in search of something.
Meanwhile...
Chris: Oh, god, that's good.
We see Chris is eating a corn dog. Meanwhile, Martha is sucking off his nose.
Martha: Oh, god, that's good.
Chris: Oh, yeah, baby, kiss me.
Martha gives Chris a big passionate kiss.
Chris: Oh, yeah, baby, now ride my gearshift.
Martha hops on Chris, and rides his gearshift so good he almost falls off of the top of the Trak-Tour.
Chris: Now it's time to hit it from the back.
Martha turns her ass to Chris.
Chris: No, not you. You hit me from the back.
Chris turns his ass to Martha, and she starts fingering his asshole.
Chris: Eat it, bitch, eat it!!!
Martha then shows us how to toss a salad.
Chris: Oh, yeah, baby. Now, hop back on top of me.
Martha hops up on Chris' back.
Chris: I was supposed to turn over, first...
Martha: Sorry.
Martha hops up, and Chris turns over. Martha plops down, and her wrinkles engulf Chris. Chris gets lost inside of them.
Martha: Chris? Chris, baby, where'd you go?
Chris: I don't know!
Martha: Oh, baby, somewhere in the throes of passion, you tied my boobs in a knot.
Martha unties her boobs.
Chris: Baby, you gotta help me get out of here.
Martha searches her wrinkles until she finally finds Chris. She pulls him out, and Mick runs up.
Mick: Grrrr....Chris. Play of ball for base?
Chris: Okay, sure!
Mick proceeds to play baseball. With Chris' head being the ball.
Mick: Grrrrrrrrrrr....no....more....fuck....of.....puppy....kitten......
Chris' head falls off.
Chris' Head: Look what you did, bud!
Mick: Grrrrrr....good.
Chris: Well, at least now, Martha and I don't hafta find someone else to have a threeway with.
Chris' Body picks up his head, and puts it under his arm.
Chris' Head: Come on, baby. Let's go do it on Jim's foot.
Chris' Body and Martha walk off.
Meanwhile...
Buttman and Rabbit are speeding through a field in the Buttmobile.
Rabbit: (getting pounded in the head with corn stalks) Are you sure we're going the right way, Buttman?
Buttman: (getting bombarded himself) Of course, Rabbit! The Poker is this a-way!
Rabbit: I thought we were chasing down the Jiggler...
Buttman: Egads, Rabbit, you're right! That nefarious duo are in cahoots! We'll have to get them both!
Buttman jerks the steering wheel sharply to the right, and the Buttmobile begins to flip.
Buttman: Quickly, Rabbit! Hit the ejector button!
Rabbit hits the button, and Buttman and Rabbit go shooting out of the Buttmobile!
Meanwhile...
Mick: Grrrrrr...can't of believe she do....
Mick tilts back his beer.
Mick: Grrrr...I do of good....for her be nice....
Craig nods his head.
Mick: Grrrr...no know what wrong...
Mick finishes his beer.
Mick: Grrrrrmore.....
Craig pours Mick another beer.
Mick: Grrrrr...what be of wrong for her?
Craig shrugs.
Mick: Grrrr....see? That what for good. You of there.
Craig nods his head.
Mick: Grrrrrrrrrrrr...I of for love to you, man....
Craig slowly backs away.
Meanwhile...
Chris' Head: Oh, come on, man! Lemme get in there, too! Come on!
Martha: Oh....oh, yeah.....oh...
Chris: Man, this blows, bud! This is like watching porno, and not being able to get it up, bro!
Martha: Ooooo...yeah, yeah, yeah...right there....
Chris: Come on, bud! At least let me lick it one good time!
Martha: Chris, I told you. You can't lick the cake until we're through.
Chris' Body puts the finishing touches on the cake icing.
Martha: Oh, there you go, sweetie.
Martha goes over, and kisses Chris' disembodied head passionately.
Meanwhile, At Hooters...
Mick has finally shown up for his new job as a waitress. He goes into the back to see his boss. His boss is a seven foot tall German girl.
Nadja: You late. Shame.
Mick: I (hiccup) only...grrrrr....four hour late....no big....
Nadja: Go. Work. SEIG HAIL!!!
Mick walks out front, passing Shawn on the way. Shawn heads into the back to where Nadja is.
Shawn: Seig hail! I have begun hunting out the Jews, Commander Nadja Stalin.
Nadja: Seig hail! Hunt them well, and you shall be greatly rewarded.
Meanwhile...
Rabbit's punching the ejector button resulted in shooting Buttman and Rabbit straight down out of the Buttmobile!!! They go flying through dirt and rock, and end up in Jurassic Park.
Rabbit: Holy stretchy rubber butt-plugs filled with jelly, Buttman!!! We're in Jurassic Park!
Suddenly, a Velociraptor attacks Buttman and Rabbit! They begin running away.
Buttman: Rabbit! I have an idea! I shall use my butt bomb!
Buttman bends over and tosses a butt bomb backwards at the Velociraptor. The velociraptor explodes into a million pieces.
Meanwhile...
Paul finally wakes up. He looks around, and goes back to sleep.
Meanwhile...
Sid is searching for some candy to put into the stove. He is thus far unsuccessful.
Meanwhile...
Corey is searching for new hiding places that the Jews might be living in.
Corey: Jim! Hi! Hey, can you tell me where those damn dirty Jews might be?
Jim: I...have no idea.
Corey: Oh. Okay. Thanks anyway, man.
Jim: Whatever.
Corey then gets a message on his Nazi-Beeper telling him to hurry to Hooters.
Meanwhile...
Buttman and Rabbit continue on through Jurassic Park, and get attacked by a T-Rex!!! Buttman and Rabbit pull out their secret weapons....a pair of chop sticks! They then proceed to use their chop sticks to do the super Random Poke Barrage Attack!!! They continue on, and find a door. They walk through it, and wind up in the Hooters!!!
Rabbit: Holy closet door to Armenia, Buttman!!
Buttman: Look, Rabbit!
Buttman points at Hitler Shawn.
Buttman: It's the Jiggler!!!
Just then, Corey walks through the door.
Rabbit: And the Poker!!!
Buttman runs over, and begins fighting the Poker, while Rabbit squares off against the Jiggler!
Buttman: I shall get you Poker!
Rabbit: Take that, Jiggler!
Jiggler: I've got your number!
Jiggler: Take this!
Jiggler smacks Rabbit with his tit.
Poker: You are right where I want you, Buttman!
Buttman: It's time, Rabbit!
Rabbit: Mad poke combo!
Rabbit: Ha!
Buttman: Do you two know what you are?!?
Buttman and Rabbit have defeated the Poker and the Jiggler!!! They then try to stuff the both of them into the "Nazi Slave Camp" in the back, which oddly enough, fills the room with the smell of baked ham when Shawn is stuffed inside.
Seig hail!