Okay, okay. We confess. Sometimes when Crow does his sleep deprivation thing, he might actually watch Sesame Street. What? Don’t laugh! You try going for like 30-some hours and not laughing at Elmo and Ernie! Not Bert though, ‘cause he’s just plain evil. And that goddamn Baby Bear. He just plain fucking sucks!!! Well, he was watching PBS one day, and…


Telly Monster: Today’s show was brought to you by… the number 6…. And the letters “F” and “U”!!!


Well, then came Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. We all grew up watching that, right? Thinking Fred Rogers was our good friend, but where the hell was he when we needed him? Hunh? Off fucking some other little brat, that’s where! Uhm, I think I got sidetracked. Anyway, our good buddy Fred Rogers comes in wearing that damn suit. Oddly though, his gray hair is disheveled, his shoulders are slumped, and he has bags under his eyes.


Mr. Rogers: (drunkenly, and off-key) It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine, could you be mine…


Mr. Rogers reaches in that closet, grabs a clothes hanger, and accidentally knocks a box off of the top shelf, which hits him in the head, spilling it’s contents. Mr. Rogers looks down and gasps, seeing the S & M mask, whip, and handcuffs he uses with the postman on the floor, with the fish watching. The postman loves to yell, “Look!! We’re on tv!!!” Mr. Rogers hurriedly scoops these up. Suddenly, part of the wall falls down, and Joey comes running through, holding his ass.


Joey: Ahhhhh!! My ass! My ass! It buuuuuurrrrrrrnnnssss!!!


Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! Come back here!


Slipknot stumbles in. Shawn looks over at Mr. Rogers.


Shawn: Goddammit! What the hell stinks in here?!?


Jim: Who the hell are you?


Mr. Rogers: (looking over at Jim) Oh, my boys and girls. I think these folks are on (gasps) THE CRACK!!


Jim scowls at Mr. Rogers, while Chris sneaks up behind him. Chris kneels, grabs Mr. Rogers' ankles, pulls them out from under him, and begins poking Mr. Rogers’ ass with his nose!!!


Mr. Rogers: Oh, my! That’s the most action I’ve had in quite a while!


Paul: Snort, snort, you fuckin’ pervert!!!


Chris stops, and lets Mr. Rogers get up. Mr. Rogers then bends over and grabs his ankles.


Mr. Rogers: Who’s next? Who’s next? (looks at Mick) Come on, big boy!!


Mick rams his club up Mr. Rogers ass.


Mr. Rogers: Oh, my!!! Let me have your big cock in my ass again!!!


Craig walks over to the fish tank, reaches in, and grabs Mr. Rogers’ goldfish. He takes it out, looks at it for a second, rubs it with his finger, and then impales it on his spiky head. He then walks around the room with the goldfish dangling from his head. Meanwhile, Jim has grabbed some toy cars off of the wall, and is crashing them about. Finally, he tires of this, and pulls out his Power Rangers, and begins to make them fight over the cars. Joey is riding the toy train to Make-Believe Land. Corey is humping Mr. Rogers’ hairpiece. I guess he finally went to see a doctor. And completely ignored what they said. Paul is searching for nutmeg, Shawn is yelling at Sid to “leave the goddamn light socket alone” and Mick and Chris are still violating Mr. Rogers. Finally, Mr. Rogers curls up in the corner, and begins crying and whining about how his wife left him for Bob the dog.


Mr. Rogers: She said he was good with his tongue….


Shawn: Goddammit!!! Get the hell up, and tell me how you molest little kids!!! I need some new tips, my old lines are getting worn out!!!


Mr. Rogers: Have you tried telling them you have a Pokemon down your pants?


Shawn: Naw, what else you got?


Mr. Rogers: Tell them that your penis contains a magic elixir, which will make them like Britney Spears when they grow up.


Chris: Little kids are stupid fucks!!! Liking some damn Britney Spears, and Backstreet Boy, and ‘NSYNC, and some goddamn Power Rangers!!!


Jim perks up.


Jim: What was that about Power Rangers?


Chris: Uh, they’re on tv right now!


Jim goes over to the cardboard tv and tries to turn the channel. Meanwhile, Joey has finally arrived in Make-Believe Land. King Friday and Prince Tuesday greet him.


Prince Tuesday: But, dad! Bessie Cow is not a “little whore”!!!


King Friday: I disagree. You dare to say that the King is wrong? I ought to have you executed but – oh, wait. I see we have a guest. Welcome to Make-Believe land!!! Have a pleasant day.


Joey: Not fucking likely.


Joey hops off of Trolley (okay, so I just realized it was a fucking trolley, not a fucking train, but I’m too damn lazy to go back and change it…{blows raspberry}) and begins to roam around. He walks over to that tree where the owl and the cat live (you know, the meow-meow cat, meow-meow yes) and begins to climb up it. It knocks on the meow-meow kitty’s door, and waits for her to come to the door.


Meow-Meow Kitty: Meow-meow, hello?


Joey hops into meow-meow kitty’s house, and begins doing her up the ass.


Meow-Meow Kitty: Meow-meow yes, meow-meow fuck, meow-meow good, meow-meow HARDER!


Joey finally gets off, and goes to visit Daniel the Lion. They talk for a while about how good a lay Meow-Meow Kitty is and Joey hops back on the Trolley to leave.


King Friday: You’re not leaving yet, are you? Haven’t you forgotten something?


Joey: Oh, yeah! I forgot to sleep with your wife…


Thus, about two hours later, Joey shows up in Mr. Rogers’ house again.


Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! Where the hell you been, Joey?


Joey: Oh, I been in make-believe land screwing some hoes.


Mr. Rogers: Really? Which ones?


Joey: Oh, the queen….that meow-meow kitty…..


Mr. Rogers: Oh, yeah! Meow-meow kitty’s a good lay, isn’t she?


Mick hears this, walks over, clubs Joey, and begins beating Mr. Rogers to death. The set producer begins running around in circles, yelling “what are we gonna do?” The cameraman says that he knows someone that can take over the show, and that he can go get them. About five minutes later, the front door flies open.


Gilbert Gottfried: (yelling, and still off-key) It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine, could you be mine….


Slipknot and the producer go crazy over Gilbert Gottfried. They all run up and begin grabbing at him.


Announcer: Oh, my god!!! Gilbert Gottfried!!! Can I suck your dick?


Yes, and on that note…