*Okay, we were watching the Animal Planet one day, ‘cause they had a special on Puppy-Kittens. (Okay, come on, you know what the fuck a puppy-kitten is by now, if not, get a fucking encyclopedia and look up “harp seals”. Puppy-kittens are mini, baby harp seals.) Yeah, well, we left the fucker on, and damn if that fucking Crocodile Hunter didn’t come on. Well, we watched it, going “Crickey (pronounced Cry-key), look at that!” every few seconds, and damn if Slipknot weren’t on there! Well, here’s what happened.
Crocodile Hunter: Crickey! Today we are in Australia, and we have some very special guests, my personal friends, Slipknot!
Slipknot comes out.
Crocodile Hunter and Corey: Who the hell are you?!?
Sid: Buzzzzzzzx……what the hell?
Crocodile Hunter and Corey: Who the hell are YOU?!?
Mick: Grrrrrrrr……
Crocodile Hunter and Corey: Who the hell am I?!?
Crocodile Hunter: Crickey! Look at that! If we hurry, we can just catch a real live koala being eaten by a wallaby!!!
They run over and watch the koala die.
*Note – Okay, I’m fucking sick of writing goddamn Crocodile Hunter over and over. You try writing it fifty fucking thousand goddamn times! I’m just gonna fucking call him Crickey.
Crickey: Crickey! That was exciting! And some good eating! Have you ever eat a koala?
Corey: No. (smiles) But I’ve eaten out Denise Richards!
Crickey: Who is this Denise Richards?
Corey smacks Crickey.
Corey: Only the hottest damn women on the fucking planet! And my lover!
Sid: Buzzzzzzzzx….Shawn made me bite him in the ass once…..not taste great…..
Shawn: I didn’t make you bite my ass!!
Sid: Buzzzz…….you roll over…I bite you or I suffocate!!!!
Crickey: Well, now once, I was rasslin’ an alligator….
Jim: I thought you were the Crocodile Hunter, not the Alligator Hunter…
Crickey: Whatever. Anyway, he grabbed up me arm, and clamped down. Well, I had to pull out my knife, cut off my arm, stab ‘im in his groin, kick ‘im in the shin, and then swim to his stomach to get back my arm.
Paul: Snort, how’d it get back on?
Crickey: Oh, in my field medicine class one year later, we sewed it back on.
Under The Cover Of Night…
Crickey: Crickey! It has become night time! Well, looks like we have to set up camp before the kangaroos come to eat us!
They set up camp, and sit down around the fire.
Crickey: Why is this flying guy attached to me?
Shawn: (to Crickey) ‘Cause I got tired of holding his leash. Hey, you wanna see a neat trick?
Jim: Aw, hell, here we go….
Jim, Mick, Corey, Chris, Craig, and Joey dive behind a tree. Paul’s eyes light up.
Paul: Snort, snort, joy….
Shawn: Hey, ya’ll….watch this!
Shawn turns his ass to the fire, brings his pants to his ankles, and lets one rip. Uhm, well, just go read “Camping With Slipknot” to find out what happened next. Yeah, Shawn doesn’t learn. The fire shot straight up his ass again.
Crickey: Crickey! Look at this! This is the biggest raging inferno up someone’s ass I’ve ever seen!!! Get the camera over here!
The camera guy begins filming Shawn’s ass.
Shawn: Hey, do you see my old inferno raging in there?
Crickey begins poking at Shawn’s ass with a stick.
Crickey: No, but I see a fruit-shaped lamp up there!
The Next Day…
Crickey: Okay, today we have some hyenas! They have come here…where are the hyenas? And where is the camera man?
Jim: Oh, he was feeding some dogs wearing leopard print…
Crickey: Oh, hell. Okay, Mr. Pointy! You be our new camera man! (pokes Craig in the chest) You just take the camera, and push the…
Craig: (looking evilly at Crickey) I know how to use a fucking camera. You take it, and stick it up a gay mother fucker’s asshole. Now, come here, Crickey!
Crickey: Okay, we will instead look at this rattling purple boa. This snake is indigenous to where ever we are…
Shawn: Violet.
Crickey: Where? Violet? Never heard of that.
Shawn: No. Violet. You said purple. It’s violet.
Crickey: No, it’s purple.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT, IT’S VIOLET!!
Crickey: IT’S A RATTLING PURPLE BOA!!!
Shawn: GODDAMMIT, IT’S VIOLET MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Crickey: Okay, it’s violet. Anyway, it’s very poisonous, and…oh, hell, where’d it go?
Crickey begins looking around for the snake.
Joey: Ow!! Something just bit me in the ass!!
Crickey: Oh, no!! Where’s that anti-venom? I knew we should have used Fed Ex!! Oh, screw it!
Crickey goes over, takes Craig’s head, and uses his spikeys to cut open Joey’s ass. He then starts to suck out the poison, and spit it out. Suddenly, Tony Hawk pops a 360 ollie over Crickey’s head.
Tony Hawk: Damn, I missed!
Crickey: Crickey!! You tried to kill me!!
Crickey grabs a stick, and begins beating Tony Hawk with it.
Crickey: Crickey, you die! Crickey, you die!
Crickey finally stops beating Tony Hawk, once he sees that the bloody pulpy mass in front of him is no longer breathing.
Mick: Grrrrrr…..you….steal…..club….
Mick snatches back his club, and clubs Crickey.
Chris: Dude, I’m thirsty!
Slipknot begin walking around looking for a place to get some liquid sustenance. During this time, Craig films Shawn scratching his ass, Joey picking a wedgie, and Corey furiously digging at his crotch.
Corey: Damn crabs. (looks at Shawn) GODDAMN YOU!! WHY’D YOU GIVE THEM TO ME?!?
Slipknot finally find and walk into a Texaco. They find Anwar at the cash register, Achmet fixing chicken, Mahusaphet watching to make sure that no one gets gas and “doesny pay,” Muhammad is talking on the coconut/banana phone, Kushak and Khalid are in the back. They are “laying” each other. They are playing “Find the Camel Penis.”
Anwar: Yes, how of to be of you on this day that is to be of today?
*Note – Let’s get this out in the open right the hell now. We’re not racist or anything. We’ve just had really bad experiences with Middle Eastern guys before. We let those three represent the whole race. Yeah, so this means that all Sand Niggas do not speak straight, are horny as hell, and they all want to lay Rain.
Mick gets some shit flavored ice cream from Achmet. Chris grabs some Nutmeg, stuffs it down his pants, and walks off.
Mick: (taking a lick of his ice cream) Grrrr.....what...this....
Mick then clubs the hell out of Achmet.
Mahusaphet: (looking at Chris) Oh, hold on, dear. (nods his head) You pay now for that what be of nutmeg!
Chris: Huh?
Mahusaphet: (holding out his hands) Moo-ney! Moo-ney!!! Pay for nutmeg! Dear! (nods)
Mahusaphet begins to try to stick his hand down Chris’ pants to get the nutmeg.
Chris: Ahhhhh!!! Quit it you perv!!!
Chris begins beating Mahusaphet in the head with his nose.
Mahusaphet: Oh, quit of be squirming, sexy boy! Lets us get to be of the nude!!
Mahusaphet takes off his shirt.
Mahusaphet: Oh, now is to be of turn for yours!
Mahusaphet begins grabbing at Chris’ shirt hem.
Chris: Dammit, get off!!!
Chris begins smacking at Mahusaphet. Suddenly…
Corey: OH MY GOD!!! THIS CHICKEN IS STALE!!!
Achmet: Oh, sexy chicken boy!!! We have of you to of nude, now!!!
Achmet begins ripping at Corey’s clothes.
Corey: Oh, yeah baby! Strip me naked! Yeah, grab me there, Denise! Oh, yes, cup me! Oh, yes! Lick my ‘nads! Oh, yeah! Faster! Harder! Just like that!
Eventually, Slipknot makes their way out of the Texaco. Chris then downs the entire bottle of nutmeg.
Chris: Dude, I’m flying! Oh, hell! (ducks down) Damn flying red zebras!!! (begins punching air) Quit shooting neon lights at me!!! Assholes!!!
Joey: (kicking at a tree trunk) Crickey this! Crickey that! Crickey, look at me! Crickey, pay attention!!!
Well, What Can I Say? Crickey, Click Here!