Okay, as usual we are stock full of shit, we need to take a shit, so we make up most of this. None of this is real. The closest fucking thing is the birthdays, but usually they’re way fucking off. Uhm, ah what the hell. Most of these have already occurred…but…how about we do this. The first person to figure out what these are referring to (i.e. Craig’s “Assault w/ a deadly weapon”) wins a special prize. Does that sound good? Fun. E-mail your answers to Rain or Crow. Or, for a list of the ones that we want you to answer, e-mail us. I believe we showed our addresses before….


Name: Sidney Jack-Daniels Wilson
Alias(es): Stubby’s bitch, gnat, Little shit, Filth, Phillip, Phil, Philanderer, Slave, the Brown Avenger, Mullet Man, 0
Sex: Male
Hair: Blonde Mullet
Eyes: Blue
Race: European bloodsucker
Date Of Birth: February 29
Age: 23 (or it should be….)
Height: "5'10
Weight: 90 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, resisting arrest, solicitation, theft, Grand Theft Tractor, Indecent exposure, Arson, breaking and entering, trying to bribe an “occifer”


Name: Josephine Bloody Mary Jordison-witz
Alias(es): Birdy, Superball, Nathan, She-Man, Barbie Girl, Shawty, Dandelion Boy, Fragile, 1, “A Sweet piece of ass”
Sex: ?
Hair: Long, black with red streaks
Eyes: Blue
Race: Jew
Date Of Birth: April 26
Age: 26
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 9 lbs., 8 ounces
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, prostitution, impersonating a man, littering, Arson, lying to a police officer, assaulting a police officer, Lying with a police officer, Skateboarding on private property, skateboarding on public property, Possession of a skateboard on private property, Possession of a skateboard on public property, Possession of a skateboard, Skateboarding in a place of business, Possession of a skateboard in a place of business, Illegal u-turn on a scooter, Illegal u-turn on Scooter Ward


Name: Paulbert Stanley Grey
Alias(es): “You Stupid Mother Fucker!!!”, “Goddamn Sum Bitch”, Piggie piggie snort snort, Balls (Rain and Crow want to fucking know the story behind that one, dammit!!!), Snorting-Of-Everything Man, “Evil lookin’ sum bitch”
Sex: Male
Hair: Buzz-cut
Eyes: Black
Race: Indian/Swine
Date Of Birth: April 8
Age: 29
Height: "6'0
Weight: Refused to step on scales…
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Possession of baby powder, Claiming baby powder as cocaine, Selling baby powder as cocaine, Possession of Kurt Cobain, Possession of Kato Kaetlin, Possession of Oregano, Claiming Oregano as Marijuana, Selling Oregano as Marijuana, Pissing off a police officer, Pissing on a police officer, Shitting on a police officer, Pissing on a minor, Shitting in a minor’s mouth


Name: Christoferson Coca-Cola Fehn
Alias(es): Bud, Buddy, Budweiser, Bud Bundy, Marvelous Martha Man, “Oh….the best lay I’ve ever had…”, Corn Bread Luva, Dildo-Nose, “Hey, you!”, pervert, invert, jackass
Sex: Male
Hair: None
Eyes: Blue
Race: Caucasian? Izzat right?
Date Of Birth: February 24
Age: 29
Height: "5'11”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Sale of Stolen Goods, Jacking off in public, Masterbation of nose in public, Solicitation, attempted murder, unnatural sex


Name: Jameston Putzah Root-stein
Alias(es): James the Giant Peach, Peaches the Power Puff girl, Crack-Of-Ass-Man, “Goddamn Power Rangers freak”, Peanut Brittle, "Hey, you with the pot!"
Sex: Male
Hair: Short black
Eyes: Greenish brown
Race: Jew
Date Of Birth: October 2
Age: 28
Height: "120’5
Weight: 2,300 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Destruction of property, Destruction of cities, Impersonating Godzilla, Public display of that “Safety Dance” song (we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, ‘cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friends of mine…that song), Possession of Marijuana, smoking marijuana in public, sale of marijuana while incarcerated


Name: Craig Ashley Jones
Alias(es): “Daddy”, 133 MHz, Mr. Pointy, 133, “Dattie”, Spiky head, “The one with the things on his head”, Pokey
Sex: Male
Hair: Spikes
Eyes: Brown
Race: African-American
Date Of Birth: June 32
Age: 27
Height: "5’7
Weight: 95 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Assault, Assault with a deadly weapon, Manslaughter, Murder 1, Murder 2, Murder 3, Assault of a police officer, Assault of a police officer with a deadly weapon, illegal transaction of “goods” on the Internet, refusing to talk to a police officer


Name: Shawn Scary-Ass Clown Crahan
Alias(es): Kong, King Kong, Big Snapple bottle shit, Clown, BOC, Big Orange Clown, “More Ovaltine, please”, Stubby Sawed-Off Son of a Bitch, Stubby, Master, Stubby sawed-off nude clown, "Leave my child alone, you perv!!"
Sex: Male
Hair: Orange
Eyes: Blue
Race: Clown
Date Of Birth: September 24
Age: 31
Height: "5’10
Weight: 10067 lbs. (a nice round number…) He was too drunk to weigh, would not get out of “Stubby-Mobile”, had to weigh that and all his friends (49 clowns and a mime).
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Public drunkenness, Arson, Driving While Impaired, Arson, Felony arson, Solicitation, Indecent exposure, Disturbing the peace, Disturbing the pizza, Disturbing the peeps, Disturbing the chickens, Disturbing the cows, Sodomizing the cows, Sodomy, Unnatural sex, Frightening of a minor in public, Impregnation of a minor, Statutory rape, Child Molestation, Child abuse


Name: Mickolaus Koala Thompson
Alias(es): “My Bitch”, Bear, Yeti, Log, Lumberjack, Timber, Hi-ho-hi-ho-it’s-off-to-work-we-go, Bat-Bear
Sex: Male no doubt about
Hair: Long luxurious black
Eyes: Beautiful Baby Blue
Race: Grizzly
Date Of Birth: November 3
Age: 28
Height: "6’2
Weight: 230 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Grand Theft Kitty, theft, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, assaulting a police officer, assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon, Assaulting a faerie, assaulting a faerie with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, attempted murder of a faerie, attempted assassination, stalking


Name: Corey Dennis Taylor (with a fucking “O”)
Alias(es): Tater Tot, Hump Boy, the sickness, disturbed, the Incredible Humper, Idiot, "Get offa my face, dammit!"
Sex: Male, definitely male.
Hair: Green dreadlocks
Eyes: Blue
Race: Hairless Chihuahua
Date Of Birth: December 8
Age: 26
Height: "5’8
Weight: 165 lbs.
Criminal Offenses: Shoplifting, Resisting arrest, breaking and entering, Arson, Stalking, Loitering, Theft, Stalking, Disobeying House Arrest, Sodomy, Molestation, Solicitation, Molestation, Solicitation, Indecent Exposure, Solicitation, Loitering, Stalking, Kidnapping, Housing an Illegal Immigrant, Molestation of a government official, Molestation of the President, Molestation of an ATM machine, Molestation of a magazine, Indecent exposure, Solicitation, Stalking, Molestation of a police officer


God, That's Fucked.