Hey, yeah, they give, achem, BRITISH FAGS THEIR OWN COOKING SHOW ON NBC, so why can't Slipknot have one? I say they can! Now, we present, "COOKING WITH
Lots of crowd cheering, followed by a pelting of human feces from Shawn.
Shawn: TAKE THAT, BITCHES!!!
Jim: Today, we're gonna be cooking good ol' food!!! Sid's gonna fix some British crap his mom showed him how to make, like scones or french crepes or some shit, Joey's gonna fix Corn on the Cob, Piggie's gonna fix Duck Sauce Burritos, Chris is gonna fix Croissants, I'm gonna fix Pauls-in-a-Blankets...
Paul takes this opportunity to throw a ketchup bottle at Jim's head. It nails Jim, and he turns around.
Jim: DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS IN, PIGGIE!!!
Paul: OH, IT'S GO TIME, BITCH!!!
Jim: LOOK, JUST 'CAUSE YOUR MOM WAS MISS PIGGIE, AND YOUR DAD WAS KERMIT, DON'T MEAN YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME!!!
At this time, the light hits Pauls mask just right, and Corey thinks that he is Denise Richards!!! Corey runs over and starts humping Paul's ankle!!!
Jim: Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. Craig's gonna fix Lemonade, Shawn is gonna fix baked beans, Mick is gonna fix chocolate cake, and Corey is gonna fix roast duck!!!
Corey: Uh, change of plans dude. I'm sorta fucking the duck, so I'm gonna roast a goose instead.
Jim: Uh, okay. Corey is going to roast a fucking goose!
Corey takes off his coveralls.
Jim: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Corey: I always cook naked!!! Besides, people like violence and sex on tv. Our ratings are gonna be killer!!!
Craig attempts to put on his little Cheffie hat, but it gets ripped to pieces by his spiky head. Sid buzzes around the ceiling, muttering...
Sid: Buzzzzzzz.........zzzzzzzzub......buzzzzzz.....I...Luv......Ex-Lax......buzzzzzzz.......zzzzzzzzzub......buzzzzzz....
Joey takes his already shucked corn, and plops it in the water. He gets it to start boiling and all. Craig begins working on his lemonade. Of course, Craig is confused about making lemonade, cuz he's never made it before. So, he's walking around with pieces of white material hanging out of some of his spikes, and lemons sticking in the rest of them. He looks in the fridge to see if he can find anything to use, and comes out with some Jolt Cola and some No Doz. He dumps these in his bucket. He then pulls lemons off of spikes and begins squeezing juice into bucket. When he's finished with that, he swirls it around a bit to mix it up, and then leaves to take a dump. Meanwhile Shawn is busy cooking up a whole mess of baked beans. He's walking around, looking for something, when the microwave begins to ding. "Beeep beeeeep beeeeep beeeeeppp!"
Sid: Buzzzz...my chance!!!
Sid swoops down, and, while Shawn is not looking, reaches in microwave and takes out his bowl.
Sid: buzzzzz....mmmmm....liquified Ex-Lax....yum...buzz
Sid dumps the bowl of melted Ex-Lax onto Shawn's beans, stirs them up, dumps some more Ex-Lax into his bowl, and pops it back into the microwave. He then runs over, grabs a bucket of his own, and takes it backstage, where he proceeds to urinate into the bucket. He then takes his bucket, goes back out front, and begins pouring his piss into Craig's lemonade. He stirs it up. He then notices that instead of watching his corn, Joey is doing his nails. Sid runs over and pours what little bit he has left into Joey's corn on the cob. He then sticks finger in there to see if it tastes too acidy. It does! Sid then takes salt shaker and begins shaking salt into the corn. Oh, fornicate!!! The top fell off into the water!!! Sid reaches in and pulls out the top.
Sid: Buzzzzzz.....FORNICATE!!!! THAT BURNS LIKE BLOODY HELL!!!!!
Sid flys around the top of the room some more while Mick begins getting his cake ready. He gets the inside-ish part cooking, and Paul is preparing his Duck Sauce Burritos. Click here to see a pic of Duck Sauce Burrito Chris is busy fixing his croissants. He doesn't know how to make croissants, so he's fixin' up a mess of ham and bacon instead! Jim starts fixing his Pig-in-a-Blankets. He gots his weiners cooking, you know the ones, those that plump when you cook 'em? Corey has done run out in the yard, and has grabbed him a goose. He brings it back on stage, grabs it by the neck, runs his hand up and down the neck, and quickly jerks it up, popping the head off the goose (which had already been dead, laying in the sun a few days). He then took some honey, and some other crap and began spreading it onto the goose's feathers. He then put the goose in a cooking pan thing, and popped it in the oven. Meanwhile, Sid, still cussing about how his "fornicating bloody hand is burnt beyond recognition", is plotting what he is going to do next.
Shawn: Aw, fuck!!! If I could find the fucking salt, I could get done what I have to do!!
Paul: Dude, if I get done in time, I'ma cook us up some fried puppy-kitten!!!
Mick then walks over, and, very calmly, pulls his club from behind his back and, WHAM!!!!, knocks the fuck out of Paul.
Mick: Grrrrr...row.....no....cook...puppy....bow....kitten.......bowwowish......piggie....asshole...GROWL!!!!!
Paul groans, while Mick drags him backstage, and gives him a few sharp kicks to the ribs. Mick then walks back onstage. Suddenly, Sid hears a wonderful noise! "Beeeeeep beeeeeepppp beeeeeppp beeeeeepp!"
Sid: Buzzzzzzzzzz.......yay....more...liquified Ex-Lax!!!
Sid zooms down, jerks the microwave door open, and grabs his bowl of liquid diarrhea-maker. He then blasts over to the trash can, searching through it to find an empty can of icing. It has half a banana peel and a couple of pieces of chopped liver. He then dumps the melted Ex-Lax into the empty icing can. Then, he buzzes around the corner and finds...
Sid: Buzzzz....PUPPY-KITTENS!!!
Sid flys over and finds some puppy-kitten turds. He dips his index finger in, brings it to his mouth...
Sid: Buzzzzz....mmmmm....tasty!!!
Sid then drops a couple of puppy-kitten turds into his special icing. He then zooms back around the corner and replaces "Mick's Chocolate Icing" with "Sid's Special Icing". Sid then runs back around the corner, and grabs more puppy-kitten turds, he then runs back, drops a couple turds into Chris' bacon and ham, then smears a buncha turds on Corey's baked goose. Sid then realizes he has to take a diarrhea shit, so he takes his bucket backstage, sits it beside Paul's unconcious body, sit down and lets his diarrhea flow. He then dumps it into Paul's Duck Sauce Burritos, and runs over to where Jim's Pigs-in-a-Blankets are. He then replaces Jim's hot dogs with some nasty, disgusting, sticky pieces of pig feet!
Sid: bbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzz.......this will be the best meal ever!!!!!!!
Sid then flys around, dumping everything he could find into a big bowl, stirring it up, and throwing it in the back of the oven.
About Thirty Minutes Later
Jim: Well, we finally got all our food fixed!
Paul stumbles in.
Paul: What the fuck happened? My fucking head hurts!!!
Jim: Okay, dudes! Let's eat!!!!!
Everybody starts running like mad around the table, picking up slop and tossing it onto their plates made of corn husks (they learned how to make these by watching Martha Stewart). Paul stopped when he got to the bacon and ham.
Paul: DUDE, YOU FUCKING COOKED MY MOM AND DAD!!!!
Paul then burst into tears, and went crying to the bathroom that Craig had just given up about five minutes prior. Everybody else just went getting their food and sitting down. Mick then takes his puppy-kitten and sits it in a high chair beside him. It just sits there making those little seal squealy noises. It sorta reminds me of like every family reunion that me and Rain have been to...
Jim: Mmmmmm...this chocolate cake is delish!!!
Mick: Brrrrrrowwww....high chair fun.....grrrrrr....goood, Piggie family.....
Joey: Hey what the hell did Piggie do to these damn Duck Sauce Burritos?!
Corey: I love these baked beans!!! Oh, shit, dude!!!!!
Shawn: What?
Corey: No, dude, I got shit running down my leg!! I thought it was cum!!! Damn, these some good beans!!
Shawn: What the fuck is wrong with this lemonade? What the hell you put in it Craig?
Craig: (deep hollow throaty voice) Your mother's vaginal fluids. (I swear when played backwards, sounds like "Joey fucked his mommy.)
Shawn: Maybe that's why it's purple lemonade.
Craig: No. That's from the goose's foreskin fluids.
Chris: What the hell did you put in this corn, Joey?
Joey: Just the normal things. Egg shells, ketchup, baby powder, used baby wipes. That kind of stuff.
Chris: Hmmm. I'd love to get the recipe.
Jim: Ex-squeeze me. Ah'll be bach.
Jim makes a mad dash to the bathroom, rips door off of hinges in one swipe, throws Piggie off the toilet, boots him out of the bathroom, reminisces about his lost shoe for a second, ("I'll always remember how it slid straight on up Piggies round behind") rips down pants, and lets shit fly all over the room. He then walks over to the toilet and pushes down the lever thing to make the toilet flush. (note to cyber viewer people, you wanna see funny? you should see Crow act that out. it is hilarious!!)
Sid: Buzzzzzz.....buzzzzzzz......buz.....try mine thing!!!
Craig picks up some of Sid's Surprise, chomps on it, and says...
Craig: What the fuck are you trying to do? Poison me? Your mom's unbathed cunt tastes better than this!
Chris: What the hell is this? Caramel? What did you put in this?
Sid: Buzzzzzzz......no!!! It is cinnamon bottle!! It is plastic!!! I throw what I can find in there!! Buzzzz...Salt shaker, bottle of cinnamon, goose head, puppy-kitten turds, lots of things!!! Buzzzzzzz.....
Suddenly, everybody's eyes lit up, and everyone but Sid and Corey stood up.
Slipknot: OH, SHIT!!!!!
Mick, Joey, Craig, Shawn, Chris, and puppy-kitten, as one, all made a mad dash to the toilet! Suddenly, Corey looked at the goose...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey hopped onto the table, kicked everything but the goose out of the way, dove down, threw one of the goose's wings over his shoulder, cocked one leg off the side of the table and began humping away on the goose!!!
Sid: Buzzzzzzz........fuck that goose's brains out, Corey!!!! Buuuuuzzzzzzzzzzz.....
Okay, that's enough of this sic shit!