Alri' ya'll listen up now! I'ma gonna tells ya'll a sto-ree!
(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme)
Now, this is the story of a great big band
Went to the city and they were later banned
They had them a time humpin' on Granmaw
Stealin' from the stores, outrunnin' the law!
Steaks they had
Bacon too
They ate it all
Weeeeellll, they had them a time
Helped to spread the crime
Showed ev'rybody that they were doin' fine
Showed up the cops and escaped from jail
Had plenty of cash to pay their bail
Moolah
Green Backs
Fruit Flys
Well, Sid flew off, Joey did too
Headed on home and had some possum stew
Licked their lips, and they went to bed
With some puppy-kittens, enough said
Yeah!
Okay, now. One day, Slipknot decided they were gonna go to the big city of Whore
Craig: OH, GOD DAYAMN, FUCK MOTHER FUCKER FUCK!!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH, I KILL YOU NOW!!!
Chris: What's up with dippin' your nasty, stinkin' balls in my mouth?
Craig: I thought that you would enjoy the taste, bitch!!
Suddenly, they heard a pained cry from up front.
Joey: Oh, no I can't believe it!
Slipknot piles out of the back of the Trak-Tour and head up front to where Joey is. Meanwhile, Craig tries to pull up his pants.
Craig: Chris, dude you fucking bit my nuts off! Give 'em back! They were mine to start with!
Chris: Well, they're mine now! You can't have 'em! (sticks out tongue)
Joey hops off the seat.
Paul: Dude, so that's where that was!
Joey: Oh....my.....god....I cannot fucking believe this!
Shawn: What?
Joey: I fucking broke my nail! I just had them done yesterday!
Shawn: (mutters) Fucking fruit fly.
They then sit on the side of the road for like, three hours while Joey attempts to fix his nail. Finally, they hop back in the Trak-Tour and start heading toward the city.
About 3 Weeks Later...
Slipknot finally arrives to the big city. Craig suggests that they all go to Paul's favorite store, so they all pile into the Piggly Wiggly. While in there, they pick up some steaks, some bacon, and various other food items (several of which are in cans, such as pork and beans). As they go clunk-clunking down the aisles, Corey sees an old lady WALKING TOWARDS HIM.
Corey: Dude, look at that chick's tight ass!!!
Chris: Dude, that's her face!
The old lady gets a little closer, and suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey hurdles over some watermelons and tackles Grandma to the ground. He then begins humping on her wrinkly old foot! Three cans of creamed corn went flying out of his pants leg, and finally Jim was able to pull him off!
Corey: Dude, why'd you pull me off of Denise Richards?
Jim: 'Cause dude! That's my fucking Grandma!!! You fucking broke her leg, and threw her hip out of joint!!
Slipknot then put the *- (aka the broken mess formerly known as Jim's grandma) in one of the freezers in the frozen foods section, run out of the front door, and set the alarm off! They run down the street to the Trak-Tour, hop in, and go put-put-putting down the road. They then head over to Toys 'R' Us to see if they can find some big huge orange vibrators and a Denise Richards blow-up doll. While on the way in, they saw a parking meter.
Piggie: Dude, what the hell is that?
Shawn: And why the fuck do people keep feeding it quarters?
Chris: I did that to one of Mick's puppy-kittens once. It started choking!!!
Mick: Grrrr....huh? GROWL....CHOKING....GRRR....CHICKEN....ROWL...OVER.....PUPPY-KITTEN!!!!
Mick then clubs Chris in the head, and dumps his body in the back of the Trak-Tour. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Suddenly, Corey darts past Joey, leaps in the air, and lands on top of the parking meter. He then starts humping away on it. Finally, Corey hopped off of the parking meter.
Corey: (to parking meter) That was some good lovin', wasn't it?
The parking meter then spits out a quarter, and Corey gets mad at it.
Corey: You little whore! I gave you, like, the best ten seconds of my life! (kicks the parking meter) And all it was worth to you was a lousy quarter?!? (kicks the parking meter) You better be on the pill, 'cause I ain't paying no child support!!! (kicks the fuck out of the parking meter)
Suddenly the parking meter starts spitting out quarter after quarter.
Corey: That's better. Damn slut machine.
(Most of) Slipknot then walk into Toys 'R' Us. They then begin wondering around down the aisles, looking for their sex toys.
Jim: (yelling) I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FUCKING TOYSTORE!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DILDOS? THE FUCKING VIBRATORS? THE LIFE-SIZED, "REALISTIC" DOLLS WITH VACUUM SUCTION AND MOANING SOUND CHIP???
Kid: Mommy, what's a dildo? And what happened to Godzilla?
Kid's Mother: Don't worry about dildos honey. I think Godzilla has been smoking crack, that's all. C'mon. I'll tell you about the fake Mr. Pee-pee man.
Slipknot begin walking the aisles again, and get to the toy train section. There is a big toy train set up in the middle of the floor. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Sid: Buzzzz....buzzz....buzzz....dude, where? I no seeeeeeee!!!!
Corey: Right there, dude!!! She's fucking driving the damn train!!!
Corey leaps over Mick's head and lands on the train. He then starts humping away at it. The train then goes around the track, and comes to one of those cave-tunnel things. Corey gets caught on the cave, and is pushed backwards, while the train keeps moving on.
Corey: DENISE!!! COME BACK!!! I LUVS YOU!!!!!
Jim: Give it a fucking rest, dude.
Mick: Grrrrr.....bash....
Mick walks over to where the toy train is, pulls out his club, and bashes the train.
Corey: NOOOOO!!!! DUDE, WHY'D YOU BASH IN DENISE???
Mick: Grrrrrrr.....threaten....puppy-kitten....
Corey runs over to where the train lies, broken and battered. He picks it up, and cradles it in his arms. Tearfully, he then says, "I'll never forget that time we had sex about a minute ago. Ah, damn, I can't remember if I even came..." Meanwhile, Sid is busy playing with an Easy Bake oven. No, he is not making scones. He is baking brownies. But not just any brownies!!! Ex-lax Brownies!!! Yum!!!
Sid: Buzzz....mmmm....Ex-lax brownies good....want to try some little boy?
Kid from before: Sure, nice Mister Army man!! Mommy, mommy, I got a brownie!!! Buzz, buzz, see!!!
Sid then flies off, handing out his brownies to whoever happens by. Meanwhile, the rest of Slipknot make their way over to the stuffed animal aisle. When they get to Winnie the Pooh, they stop.
Craig: Oh, look. It's Winnie the Pooh and his butt-buddy Piglet.
Jim: Oh, and that stuck-up prick Rabbit. Oh, look! It even comes with it's own stick up it's ass!!!
Slipknot then continue down the aisle.
Joey: Oh, dude! Paul, check it out man!! It's your brother!!
Paul: Snort, snort, where?
Joey: Right there, dude!!!
Joey points to a stuffed Babe the Pig. Paul then bends down and bites Joey in the ass. Suddenly dot dot dot
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey darts between Joey and Paul, and throws the stuffed pig to the floor, tosses off his pants, and begins humping the pig. Joey and Paul then begin raising the roof.
Craig: Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Lady: Yes? Did you want me?
Craig: Huh?
Lady: Didn't you yell, "Hey, Ho"? That's me!
Craig: Lovely...
Suddenly, Chris stumbles in.
Chris: Ow, my fucking head hurts!!! Did you just say you have sex with guys for money?
Lady: Yeah. What's it to ya, big boy?
Chris starts digging around in his pocket, and pulls out a twenty. He then drops it on the floor.
Chris: I'm sorry, could you get that for me?
Lady: Sure!
The lady then bends over with her bee-hind pointing towards Chris. Suddenly, Chris' eyes light up. He then starts dildo-ing the lady's ass. Then, the lady's eyes light up.
Lady: WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!!!
Chris: As long as I'm payin', you're whatever kind of girl I say you are! Now, bend back over so I can get my nose out of your ass!!!!
Then, Shawn gets surrounded from all sides imaginable by possibly the worst monster in the world, a horde of screaming, staring, shitting-in-pants, little kids!!!!
Little Kid: Mister Clown man! Mister Clown man! Gimme bawoon!!!
Shawn pulls out a used condom, blows it up, twists it around into the shape of a puppy dog, and hands it to the little kid.
Shawn: NOW, FUCK OFF!!!!!
The little kids run away. Suddenly...
Security Guard: WHAT THE HELL? HEY, NO SEX IN THE TOY STORE!!! GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF THAT LADY'S ASS!!! LITTLE PERVERT!!!
The security guard then breaks between Slipknot, trying to get the situation under control.
Security Guard: Hey, what the... OH, DAMN!! GET THE HELL OFF THAT PIG, SON!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BOY!!!
The security guard goes over and, unsuccessfully, tried to pull Corey off of the stuffed Babe the pig. Corey just kept on humping.
Security Guard: (in walkie talkie) Yeah, I'm gonna need some backup over here in the stuffed animal section. Code 419. Yeah, freak pervert humping a stuffed pig. Over.
When backup finally arrived, they began tugging on Corey. They finally tore Corey off of the pig. They then began "escorting" Slipknot to the door. Suddenly they came upon a big pile of poop. Shawn dove head first into the poop.
Shawn: Yeah, dude!! I'll never have to poop again! I'll have plenty to throw at our audiences!!!
Shawn then pulls out, like, 8 Snapple bottles and begins filling them up with liquid-ish diarrhea crap. Chris then broke away from the group and ran to the check-out line.
Chris: (whispers) Hey, Excuse me, Do ya'll have the latest issue of "Booty Bonanza"?
Cashier: What the hell are you talking about? That sounds like porn. You are going to have to go to a porn shop, Sir.
Chris: What kind of sex-toy store is this?!
The guards finally drag Slipknot out of the door.
Security Guard: Now, don't you boys come back here until you learn how to behave, ya'll hear?
Jim: Before ya leave I got something for ya.
Jim walks over, fills around in his pocket, and says "Ah, there it is!" He then pulls out his hand, flips the guard off, and buries his size forty in the guards ass.
Jim: What the hell? Where'd my damn shoe go?! Them damn size fortys cost too damn much!!!
Slipknot then hopped back on their Trak-Tour, and head off down the road.
Mick: Grrrr.....Stop...Here....
So then Slipknot stops at Babies 'R' Us. They pile out of the Trak-Tour, and Mick begins tugging out his pregnant puppy-kitten. They then head into the store. The whole time, Mick is giving Chris the evil eye, and Chris is avoiding Mick like the black plague.
Joey: What are we in here for?
Mick: Grrrrrr......mater......nity......clotheses.....
Slipknot make their way down the aisles until they come to some moo-moos. They start trying flower-dy moo-moos on the puppy-kitten. The puppy-kitten waddles out of the dressing room, and Chris does one of those wolf whistles. Mick then walks over, and clubs Chris in the head.
Mick: Grrrrrrrr....no....fornicate...with...puppy-kitten....
Finally, they pick out several good moo-moos for the Chris-impregnated puppy-kitten. They then drag Chris' half-dead body out of the door, (notice, no pay for said items) and set off the alarm. Slipknot jump into the Trak-Tour. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! I HEAR SIRENS!!!
Slipknot then go put-put-putting down the road trying to outrun the cops! Finally, about eight miles later, the cops catch Slipknot using the classic roadblock(damn non-driving cops...), and take them downtown.
Later...
Jim: Dude, getting arrested and staying in jail sucks!! Anyone got bail money?
Shawn: Hell, yeah, but I ain't payin'!!
Chris: Let's break out of here!!!
Joey: Yeah, but how?
At that moment, the puppy-kitten runs at the bars. It hits them, and lets out a little yelp. Mick stands up.
Mick: GRRRRRRR....GOD DAMN BARS HURT PUPPY-KITTEN!!! ROWL....DIE MOTHER FUCKER DIE!!!!!
Mick runs across the cell, rips the bars out of the window, and begins stomping them! Finally, he pulls out the club, and clubs the sum bitch. Corey then rips off his clothes.
Paul: Snort, snort, dude, what are you doing?
Corey: I always break out of jail naked!!!
Paul: Moo, moo, oh. Oops, I mean snort, snort.
Chris: Dude, did you just say, "Moo, moo?" What, are you gonna be a cow, now?
Paul: Uh, no! Snort, snort.
Craig: We have our very own moo-moo-piggie now!!!
Slipknot jump out of the window, and stumble upon an ATM machine.
Sid: Buzzzzzzzz.......what the hell? That damneded thing is giving away money!!!
Slipknot start pondering this. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Corey leaps onto the top of the ATM machine, and begins humping the hole the money comes out of. Suddenly...
Corey: OH, FUCK!!!!!
Jim: What, dude!!
Corey: I'm stuck!!!
Sid buzzes off to find a phone. He finds a pay phone, and dials 911 using 1-800-CALL-ATT. He gets an ambulance to come help Corey out of the ATM.
Jim: Whoa, dude, you're gonna have like an inverted erection from now on, man!!!
Craig: Yeah, like, an insurrection, or whatever!!!
Joey: Hey, dude! That paramedic over there, is a CALLIPYGIAN!!!
Jim: Huh?
Joey: They have a nice ass!!! It is sooooo CONCUPISCENT!!!
Chris: What the fuck?
Joey: Achem, inspiring a strong desire, especially sexual!!!
Jim: Dude, you are such an ass OSCULATOR!!!
Joey: Well, if you'd quit GASCONADING about the size of your feet...
Finally, the paramedics get Corey out of the ATM machine. They carry him off to the hospital, and Slipknot follows on their Trak-Tour.
At The Hospital...
Corey: Dude, they want me to stay here for two weeks while my dick heals!!! Hell, no, I ain't staying here!! Let's bounce, man!!
Corey hops out of the bed and bends over to put on his pants.
Joey: Dude, that gown covers about as much as an apron. Your fucking ass is hanging out of the back!!!
Dude, here! Cover up your ass!!!