Well, December rolls around, and Joey decides that they should celebrate Christmas. You know, that miserable holiday at the end of the year where everybody gets each other meaningless gifts, like oh, say, a bike or a razor, then they get pissed off at each other ‘cause they didn’t get what they wanted, and they then stomp off in different directions? Yeah, Christmas fucking sucks. Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. Well, about December the ninth, Joey begins running around the house with Sid.
Joey: (sing-song voice) I been a good boy, I been a good boy...
Sid: (tugging at the leash) Buuuuzzzz……..Sid…fly…freeeeeeee!!!!
Sid begins flying upward, dragging Joey along with him. Meanwhile, in the kitchen…
Shawn: Goddammit!!! What the hell do you mean?
Corey: Well, Joey and Sid seem to want to celebrate Christmas. They keep flying around talking about sand niggas, or something like that.
Jim: You mean, Santa.
Corey: That might be it. Does he ride around in root beer?
Jim: Dude, you fucking mean reindeer!!!
Corey: And he brings pheasants, right?
Jim: That’s presents.
Corey: And he has a big jimmy, that shakes like a broken telly when he whacks off?
Jim: Goddamn. It’s a big belly, that shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs.
Corey: Dude, why do you know all this Christmas stuff?
Jim: ‘Cause my parents were Jewish!
Joey: Yours too?
Jim: Yeah.
Joey: Santa’s gonna visit me…Santa’s gonna visit me…
Jim: Really.
Joey: Why aren’t you guys drinking egg nog by the fireplace?
Corey: How the hell can we drink red logs to get a higher taste?
Mick backhands Corey.
Later…
Shawn: Goddammit!!! I don’t want to do this!
Jim: You’re the only one of us big enough, dude! Just put it on!
Shawn climbs into the red suit with the white lining.
Shawn: Are ya fucking happy now, goddammit?
Jim: You have to wear the hat, too!
Paul walks into the kitchen, pours a line of red pepper on his hand-held mirror, plays with it with a razor, snorts it up his nose, and walks back out.
Chris: What the hell was that?
Mick: Grrrrr….crazy piggie…
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!!
Jim: What?
Shawn: I DIDN’T CLEAR THE ZIPPER!!!
Jim finishes buckling Shawn’s big black belt, and helps him into his big black boots and puts the white beard and mustache on him. Shawn, with his dick still flopping out of the front of his pants, walks out of the kitchen.
Jim: Look at this shit! We caught this mother fucker right here outside the house spying on us! The goddamn pervert!!
Joey: Oh, my god! It’s Santa Clause!!!
Joey and Sid run over, jump in Shawn’s lap, and begin bouncing up and down.
Sid: Buzzzzzz….where’s Shawn? He should….buzzzzz….be here to see Santaaaaa….
Chris: Uhm, he, uh, went to whack off!
Sid: Oh….buzzzzzz…….
Joey: Uhm, Santa, why is your mister pee-pee man staring out at me?
Shawn: Uhm, ‘cause it needs to breathe!!!
Joey: Oh, uhm, I want a train!
Sid: Buzzzzz…I want a G. I. Ho!
Jim: That’s G. I. Joe, dude! I want a Power Ranger bike!!!
Mick: Grrrr….I want kitty!!!
The cat Mick stole on Halloween pops it’s head out of Mick’s shirt, meows, and pops back in.
Mick: Grrrrr….KITTY!!!!
Mick pulls the cat out of his shirt by it’s tail and starts hugging it.
Chris: I want a little baby goat!!!
Craig: I want an Old French whore!
Corey: I WANT DENISE RICHARDS!!!
Paul walks over, rips off Shawn’s Santa hat, drops a line of salt on his head, snorts it up, and rips the fake beard and mustache off of Shawn.
Paul: Snort, snort, I want a Santa that isn’t Shawn.
Shawn grabs back his beard, mustache, and hat, and runs outside. He then grabs a few things from the barn.
Meanwhile, in the house…
Joey: (walking towards Paul) You’re a mean one…Mr. Grinch! You really are a heel! You’re as sly as an eel, you’re a rotten banana with a greasy, black peel!!
Back outside, Shawn runs back over to the house, climbs up to the roof, and jumps down the chimney. He goes speeding down, but comes to a sudden stop about halfway down.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! I’M STUCK!!!
*Note: To those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, Slipknot all live together in a camper trailer. Yeah, it’s one of those small ass ones, so that half the members have to sleep on the roof. Those are the lucky members, ‘cause the others have the joy of smelling Shawn’s nuts all night long. ‘Cause he’s gonna sleep naked on that goddamn kitchen table (which has never been cleaned)!!! I don’t care what they say, if they handcuff him to the floor, when they get up in the morning, he’s gonna be sleeping naked on that goddamn kitchen table!!! They chain him up, wake up at two in the morning, go to fix a snack, and there’s Shawn sleeping naked on that goddamn kitchen table!!! Without a sheet or anything, just his naked ass rolling around all over that goddamn kitchen table all night!!!
Chris: What was that?
Shawn: My goddamn ass done got stuck in this mother-fucking chimney!
Chris grabs the poker, crawls into the chimney, and begins poking at Shawn’s ass. Shawn finally falls down and lands on Chris.
Shawn: Ho, ho, ho, goddammit!!! Where the fuck is my hoes?
Joey and Sid begin jumping around.
Shawn: Come get your presents, goddammit!!!
Shawn starts handing out things. He hands Chris a baby goat.
Chris: Odd….it has my nose….
Shawn then gives Mick a puppy-kitten, Jim a couple of wheels and sticks with Power Rangers hanging from them, Sid gets an old broken Superman figure dressed up in camouflage.
Shawn: It has Kung Fu grip!
Shawn then hands Corey a picture of Denise Richards (oh, my, and it’s crčme filled too!), and hands Joey a bag of cow manure.
Shawn: Uh, that’s the track for your train….
Shawn then hands Joey an empty animal cracker box.
Shawn: And there’s your train…
Shawn then hands Craig a rake.
Shawn: I couldn’t find a hoe….
Paul: Snort, where’s my present?
Shawn walks over and punches Paul in the eye.
Shawn: Screw you, bastard!
Joey runs upstairs to play with his train, while Sid runs into the kitchen to fix some chocolate chip cookies for Santa.
Sid: Buzzzzz….damn….Shawn takes long time to whack off…….
Sid then dumps several boxes of Ex-Lax into a big pot, and throws this into the microwave. Needless to say, uhm, BIG BOOM!!!
Sid: (charred black) Buuuuzzzzz….fun….do it again! Do it again!
Meanwhile, Joey has come running down the stairs in the living room, screaming his head off.
Joey: Oh, no! Oh, no! There is hair growing on my crotch! What the hell is happening?
Craig: Dude! Joey got his pubes! ‘Bout damn time!
Chris: Dude, I’m going to put a stocking up for me!
Chris darts upstairs, and comes back down with a pair of pantyhose.
*Note – We performed tests, and have indeed confirmed that these are a pair of pantyhose that Chris stole from Martha Stewart’s dresser.
On Christmas Day…
Joey begins ripping open his presents from his parents. Joey rips one of them open, and he finds one of those little Jewish hats in there. Joey then gets a downtrodden look on his face. Of course, Shawn yanks the little hat out of Joey’s hand and plops it down on his head, and begins dancing around in circles.
Shawn: (singing) Now I am Jewish…Now I am Jewish…
Joey, obviously depressed, then walks over to the corner, begins crying, and attempts to slit his wrists with a handkerchief.
Paul: Snort, snort, what the hell’s wrong with Joey?
Joey: When you get the hat….that means you have to have your bar mitzvah….
Paul: Snort, snort, so?
Jim: Oh, yeah, that’s right…
Joey: (crying) So, that means that I’m about to become a man…but…I don’t wanna!
Uhm, yeah, I don’t think I want to be Jewish….