Okay, what the hell? Alright I admit, for years and years now, I’ve been speaking of what joys it would be to actually play Shaggy in the live action Scooby Doo movie. Okay, so it would never have happened, but still. Where would people be if they didn’t have little fantasy type thingies? We sure as hell wouldn’t have this site, that’s for sure! Okay, so we’d probably all be better off without this page, but still. Okay, so a few weeks ago, I find out that they have gotten MATTHEW LILLARD TO PLAY SHAGGY. Okay, nothing against the guy, he’s been in some pretty good stuff, BUT HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SHAGGY. Okay, granted, only once or twice have I had little kids ask me where Scooby was, and only a handful of times have I been assaulted by a bombardment of “Zoinks!”. But still, they coulda found SOMEONE that actually looks like the characters. Don’t even get me started on the whole Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne thing, either. That gay-ass Freddie Prinze Jr. makes a pretty damn good gay-ass Fred Jones, though. Yeah, they seem to enjoy putting folks that are nothing like their characters in movies. Like, for example, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in X-Men. Okay, am I the only one that realizes that Australians don’t play Canadians real well? Plus they had half the damn characters wrong…okay, I need to quit rambling now…


Shawn: Mmmmmm….oh, yes…..oh, yeah that’s good…..mmmmmm…..THEM SOME GOOD YAMS!!! Sid, roll over here and give me some good lovin’!


Sid: Buzzzzzz….not tonight….have headache….


Shawn: Goddammit, Sidney! I said I wanna screw!


Shawn takes a swig of liquor.


Sid: Buzzzz….x….did you just call me Sidney?


Shawn: Yes, I did, SIDNEY JACK-DANIELS WILSON!!!


Sid: Buzzzzz…..that’s not my name!


Shawn: It is now, GODDAMMIT!


Sid begins flying around the ceiling, and Shawn takes yet another swig of liquor. He hits the bottom of the bottle, and tosses it into the large pile of empty liquor bottles he has created over the last hour.


Shawn: (drunkenly) Goddammit, Sidney! You’re my bitch!! You do what the hell I tell you to! Now, suck my clit, GODDAMMIT!!!


Sid blinks.


Sid: I ought to rub your ugly ass against a washboard and see if I can scrape the clown out of you!!! Callin’ me some Sidney!


Shawn: I think you forgot to say buzzz…


Sid: Buzzzz….oh, yeah….buzzzzzz….buzzzzzzzx….


Shawn: SUCK MY CLIT, GODDAMMIT!


Sid: Buzzzzzzzz….but…but…but….don’t see a clit…..see a gigantic cock….no clit…..


Sid stares at Shawn’s cock, which is dressed up like a clown, for a minute.


Shawn’s Cock: Buck bawk…..bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk…..


Shawn: Goddammit! I told that damn rooster to stay the hell off my goddamn kitchen table!!!


Sid: Buzzzzz….oh, there’s your clit….


Shawn: Ohhhhh….oooohhhhh…yeah……oh…GOD YES!!!! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, right there, right there! Oh, oh, YES SIDNEY!!!!


Sid looks down at Shawn.


Sid: Buzzzzzz….is not me….is…cock……


Shawn: I know! Oh, god I love your sweet cock!


Sid: Buzzzzz…..is not mine….is Paul’s cock!


Shawn: What? Paul, get offa me goddammit!


Sid: Buzzz….no!!!


Sid grabs the rooster by the neck and holds it in front of Shawn’s face.


Sid: Buzzzzz….is Paul’s COCK!!!


Shawn: Oh. Put him back down there. He’s givin’ me some sweet, sweet clit-stimulatin’ lovin’!!!


Sid: Buzzzzz….I think it’s sleeping….


Shawn: Okay, then use your cock!


Sid looks down at his pants.


Sid: Buzzzzz…..I think my cock is asleep too….


Shawn: Goddammit, Sidney! Get over here, climb on top of me, AND GET ME IMPREGNATED!!!!!!!!


Sidney begins to cry like a little kid that has lost their favorite toy. Shawn grabs Sid, and forces him to climb up onto Shawn’s “Mountain Of Lovin’” (due out in Disneyland September 2004). Shawn then handcuffs him down to THE GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE. Shawn rips Sid’s gas mask off, and shoves his ass in Sid’s face.


Shawn: Lick my nice, tight, firm ass, Sidney!!!


Sid bites Shawn in the ass.


Shawn: Oh, yeah, I like it rough.


Shawn pulls on his knee high leather boots, pulls on his (female) leather thong (which causes things to pop out of the side…..again), puts on his little black mask, puts a little bondage mask on Sid, flips the table so that Sid is standing up, and grabs his whip.


Shawn: Sidney, ON YOUR KNEES!!


Sid: Buzzzzz….I can’t….I am tied up….


Shawn throws his foot up beside Sid’s head.


Shawn: Okay, then. LICK MY BOOTS!


Sid looks over and sees the shit encrusted on Shawn’s boots.


Sid: Buzzzzz…uh, no thanks…..


Shawn: INSOLENT LITTLE FOOL!!!


Shawn draws his whip back and cracks it just an inch away from Sid’s left ear.


Shawn: Now……lick….my…..boots!!!


Sid darts his tongue in the direction of Shawn’s boots, stopping just short of actually touching Shawn’s boot. Shawn notices this, and darts his foot to the side, forcing Sid’s tongue against his boot. Sid tongue then begins melt, but just slightly.


Shawn: Ah, dammit. I forgot the cock restraint. I’ll be right back.


Shawn begins to walk out of the room.


Sid: Whoo hooo! Baby got back!


Shawn stops and turns around.


Shawn: Damn right!


Shawn turns back and begins walking out again.


Sid: I likes big butts and I cannot lie, you otha brothers can’t deny….


Shawn makes his way to his room, and reaches for a cock restraint. He then realizes that a cock is already IN the restraint.


Shawn: Goddamn chicken!! Get the hell outta my bondage gear!!


Paul’s Cock: Bawk Bawk?


The Next Morning


Okay, this is a very special morning. On this very odd morning, Rain and Crow are awake. What’s even stranger is the fact that they have decided to come over to Slipknot’s Camper trailer to fix breakfast. So Rain and Crow hand everybody pop-tart sammiches. Everyone begins hearing groaning noises.


Jim: Dude, what the hell is that?


Crow: I think it’s coming from under the table.


Rain looks under the table, and finds a completely naked Sid dangling from underneath.


Sid: Buzzzzzz…hi.


Rain: Moo.


Rain undoes the restraints holding Sid in place under the table, and Sid steps out with a really terrible look on his face. He then looks over at Shawn.


Crow: Uh, huh! Someone had sex last night!


Shawn looks up. Did we mention that he’s holding Joey like an infant? Well, he is.


Shawn: Goddamn I feel sick.


Rain: Oh, dammit! Crow, I told you that expiration date on the pop-tarts did mean something!


Crow: Yeah, well I told you not to use that green bread, so we’re even!!!


Shawn: No, that’s not it.


Shawn then decides to go out to the store. He pulls out his hot wheels car (henceforth to be known as the Stubby-Mobile), and hops in. He cruises down the road, and stops at a drug store. He goes in, and looks around. He goes over to the magazine rack, and sees a copy of Hit Parader with Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst on the cover.


Shawn: Jackass.


He then looks over and sees a copy of Metal Edge with Iron Maiden on the cover.


Shawn: Damn fogies.


He then looks over and sees a copy of Circus with Slipknot on the cover.


Shawn: Goddamn freaks! They’re nowhere near as beautiful as me. They wish they had this body…oh, wait. That’s me and my band. Whoops.


Shawn grabs the copy of Circus, and stuffs it in his coveralls. He then goes and finds one of those E.P.T. pregnancy tests. He slips this in the back of his mask and begins to head towards the front. On his way, he sees an album. It is “Andy Griffith’s Gospel Classics”.


Shawn: What the hell?


Shawn grabs several copies of these, and sticks them down his pants. He then walks out of the door, setting off the alarm.


Drug Store Employee: Stop that clown!


Shawn hops into the Stubby-Mobile, and begins to speed off.


Drug Store Employee: Ah, where’d he go?


Shawn goes home, pops in one of the Andy Griffith cd’s and pulls out his magazine and his E.P.T. test. The cd begins to play.


Shawn: Okay, that’s enough of that.


Shawn stops the cd, and flips the magazine open to an interview with System Of A Down. (Did anyone notice that the albino dude from Incubus that has the little fuzzy dreadlocks type things that has a tendency to have circular thingies on his forehead looks like a long lost member of SOAD? Just a thought.)


Shawn: GodDAMN that’s some SICK shit right there!!!


Shawn then flips through the magazine and finds a pin-up of Brandon from Incubus.


Shawn: Oh, god that’s some hot shit right there…..oh, I’d love to have that inside of me….


Okay, to prevent any majorly bad Shawn killing on the rare chance that Slipknot actually does come to see our site, we will reveal that on the page beside the Incubus pin-up, there was an ad for piping hot muffins.


Shawn: Ooooooooo…..banana nut…..blueberry….strawberry…….CHOCOLATE!!!! Oh, god. I think I orgasmed.


Shawn then looks over at his E.P.T. test, and almost faints.


Shawn: Oh, god.


Shawn walks into the kitchen, and looks over at Sid, who is now wearing a diaper.


Shawn: Goddammit, Sidney! You got me pregnant!! You sum bitch!!!!


Shawn feels his stomach.


Shawn: Oh, god. I think I feel it wiggling around in there.


Crow: Dude, you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?


Rain: Yup.


Rain grabs the phone, and throws it at Crow. It hits him in the head.


Crow: Ow.


Rain: You talk.


Crow: But…but…but….


*Note To Readers – Ya see, Rain has this intense fear of phones. She has Phone-ophobia. She is a phone-ophobe. Yeah, telephones are evil. They are out to get Rain. See, she bit a telephone cord one time, and it shocked her. Okay, granted, the lightning had just struck the telephone, but still. Oh, and this other time a telephone snuck up on her in the middle of the morning (‘cause who the hell is awake in the morning?), and wrapped it’s cord around her neck, and began choking her. Yeah, she finally got away from that phone, and then she had to call nine-eleven. Then she had to go away to the funny farm for a while….but now she’s back. Yay.


Rain punches in some numbers, and the phone rings.


Lady On Other End Of Phone: Hello, The Learning Channel’s “A Baby Story”, how can I help you?


Crow: (in a strange voice) Hi. This dude has gotten pregnant and I was wondering if you would like to have them on your show.


Lady On Phone: Sure, that would be great. Can I have their names, please?


Crow: (strange voice) Uh, okay. The mother’s name is Shawn, uh, Scary-Scary-Clown Crahan.


Lady: Okay, Shauna Crayon. Got it. Now, what’s the father’s name?


Crow: (strange voice) It’s Sid…


Shawn: Sidney!


Crow: (strange voice) Okay, Sidney…uhm, hey Shawn, what’s Sid’s middle name?


Shawn: Jack-Daniels!


Crow: (strange voice) Alright. The father’s name is Sidney Jack-Daniels Wilson.


Lady: Okay. What is their relationship?


Crow: (strange voice) Okay, Sid is Shawn’s bondage bitch, first off. Uhm, isn’t Sid like Shawn’s kid or something?


Shawn: It's Sidney!!! Kid. Pet. What’s the difference?


Crow: (strange voice) Yeah. Sid is like Shawn’s kid or pet or something.


Lady: These people wouldn’t happen to be hillbillies, would they?


Crow: (strange voice) No. They’re fucking rednecks. Ain’t that right, Ethel Mae?


Ethel Mae pops her head out of the kitchen cabinet.


Ethel Mae: Uh huh. Yep. That’s a-right! Ah-hyuck!


Chickley comes running in the room with his pajama pants around his ankles. He waddle-runs in Ethel Mae’s direction.


Chickley: Cover up my knees!!! Cover up my knees!!


Chris: What the hell?


Chickley: Where’s my goddamn liquor?


Ethel Mae hops out of the cabinet, and tries to guide Chickley out of the room.


Chickley: Get your hands offa me, ya goddamn faggot!!


Shawn feels a tugging on his sleeve and looks down. He sees Joey looking up to him, tugging on the diaper he is wearing.


Joey: I make a poopie.


Shawn lies Joey and Sid across the GODDAMN KITCHEN TABLE. He then rips the diaper off of Sid. Next, he rips the diaper off of Joey.


Chickley: (drunkenly) Whut in the goddamn hell do yu think yu doin’?


Shawn: I’m changing their diapers, if you don’t mind. And if you do mind, then you can SUCK MY GODDAMN DICK!!!


Sid: Buzzzzzzzx….but Shawn! I thought you had a clit! Buzzzzz…


Shawn: Shut up, Sidney!


Chickley: You all are a bunch of goddamn freaks, you know that?


Shawn puts the diaper that was on Sid on Joey.


Chickley: That right there don’t make no goddamn sense. That ain’t no damn way to change a diaper.


Rain: Shut the fuck up, ya goddamn cock-suckin’ son of a bitch!


Shawn reaches in Joey’s dirty diaper, grabs the Power Ranger figure out of it, and tosses it to Jim. He then puts the diaper on Sid.


Jim: What the hell is all this crap on my toy?


Shawn: Well, like you said, it’s crap. I guess Joey ate it.


Jim kicks Joey is his shitty and pissy diaper-covered ass, and the diaper falls to the ground, splattering it’s contents all over the floor.


Shawn: Goddammit, Joey! I told you about eating them fruit drinks! Now we have green diarrhea shit all over the goddamn floor!


Paul: Joey, you are such a goddamn pig!


Joey: Oh, no!!!


Joey runs into the bathroom, and begins retching. Meanwhile, Shawn grabs a spoon.


Shawn: (acting like a superhero, and holding the spoon high in the air) Spoon!!


Shawn begins scooping the diarrhea shit into his Snapple bottle with the spoon.


Shawn: Gotta save that…..


Shawn, still clutching that damn spoon, grabs his half empty liquor bottle, takes a swig, grabs a bowl, pours some Malt-O-Meal Corn Flakes type cereal in the bowl, pours some gin in instead of milk, and dips his spoon in the bowl to take a giant bite.


Shawn: That sorta tastes a little funny.


Shawn starts picking his toe jam, and smelling it. Jim takes the spoon from Shawn, dips it in the Snapple bottle, gets a giant spoonful of shit, and dumps it into Shawn’s cereal.


*Note To Readers – This is fucking sick, huh?


Jim: There. You needed some sugar.


Shawn takes a bite.


Shawn: That’s more like it.


Later...


Doorbell: Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.


Crow: What the hell?


Paul: Snort, oh, we kidnapped this little kid, renamed him Doorbell, and everytime someone comes to the door, he has to yell ding dong.


Crow: Oh.


Corey opens the door.


Lady: Hi, my name is…


Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT’S DENISE RICHARDS!!!


Corey leaps up and begins humping the back of the lady’s head.


Crow: Hey, Corey! Who’s at the door?


Corey begins beaming.


Crow: Oh. Uhm, dude? I don’t think that’s Denise Richards man.


Corey: Oh.


Corey gets this really sad look on his face, and hops down.


Crow: uh, dude? Why are you so fascinated with Denise Richards?


Corey: ‘Cause man! She has these giant boobies! I’d love to put my head in between those boobies, shake my head back and forth, and just go (makes a fleshy, juicy bluh-bluh-bluh shivering sound).


Rain: Oooooo-kay.


Lady: Well. That was different. Okay, my name is Linda Jebus. I’m from TLC’s “A Baby Story”. Where is (looks down at a piece of paper) “Shauna Crayon”?


Craig: Shawn’s not here. He went to see his “friend”, Raen-Bo.


Shawn walks in, naked from the waist down.


Shawn: Look at this!


Crow looks over.


Crow: Oh, god I think I’m blind!


Mick: (monotone voice, like Ben Stein) Grrrrr…oh, my god. That is so sexy. That is the best aphrodisiac I have ever seen. Oh, god I am so horny.


Mick pulls out his club, and begins walking towards Shawn.


Shawn: Check it out though! (throws one leg up on the arm of the couch) I got the word "Sidney" shaved into my pubes!


Shawn turns, and looks directly at Sid.


Shawn: Now, I’ll always have you in my pants.


Sid: Buzzzzzz…thanks….Shawn….


Linda Jebus: Okay, so this is Shauna? Hi. I’m Linda Jebus. I’m with TLC’s “A Baby Story”. I’m here to film you until birth. So, how did you come about becoming pregnant?


Shawn: Well, ya see…it all happened last night. I was eating yams, and well, whenever I eat yams I get horny, so one thing lead to another, and….


Shawn retells the story of the night before, most of which we told earlier. Here’s what we didn’t tell ya!


Flashback sequence begins.


Shawn: Okay, this is starting to get boring now. Let’s try some Karma Sutra now!


Sid: Buzzzzz….okay with me….


Okay, let’s take a look around. Ya see, the way we see it, Sid said okay because he is dangling by his little toes from the ceiling, with a string tied around his penis. The string leads to Shawn, who has been tossing hot boiling chicken grease up at Sid. Okay, I think I’d say yes to Karma Sutra with Shawn in that position too. I gotta quit denying. Shawn is so hot and sexy. Really... No kidding.


Shawn: Okay, lemme just do this….oh, and that right there…..okay, c’mon Sidney!


Sid flies down, and sees Shawn, right leg tucked behind his head, left leg straight out to the side, eagerly awaiting Sid to join him. .


Shawn: C’mon. Let’s make like Mills Lane and get it on!


Okay, this goes on for awhile, and then Shawn pulls out the anal beads. They use these for a little pleasure (yes we know our sex toys. Aren’t we just so fun?) and then they head to the bathroom. Shawn then hangs upside-down (Naked. Did we mention naked? He’s naked. Lovely.) from the shower curtain bar.


Shawn: Get on me for some good lovin’ Sidney!


This is when the shower curtain bar breaks.


*Note To Readers – The anorexic Echo has had this happen before. Damn that hurts. You fall, hit your head on the side of the tub, and then you hit the floor….ow. Dammit, I taped it, but no one wants to show it! Oh, wait. I think that might have been a dream. Anyway.


Shawn falls, hits his head twice, and passes out. Sid takes this opportunity to fly out of the window.


Flashback sequence ends.


Shawn: And that’s how I got pregnant.


Jim: Hey, where’d Rain go?


Corey: Uh, I think Rain and Crow left. They got scared during Shawn’s story. They were mumbling something about “scary nude clown sex”.


Joey: Dammit! They were gonna help me do my nails!


A voice echoes from the walls….


Voice: Scary nude clown sex…..


Joey: Oh, yeah. Ewwwww……


Mick: Grrrrr….no…Echo…faerie….?


A tear forms in Mick’s left eye.


Shawn: Ah, dammit! I gotta take a piss! I’ll be right back!


Shawn walks out of the front door.


*Stupid Echo Observation – Uhm, why is it called “taking a piss”? It just seems to me that you’re giving a piss instead. I mean, you already have the piss in you beforehand, and all. And you can’t take what you already have. Just a thought.


Shawn walks out into the middle of the yard, and begins to take a piss. Two grown adults come riding along the sidewalk on razor scooters (don’t even get me started on that).


First Adult: Damn man. Look at that! (points at Shawn) Those lawn gnomes get more life-like everyday!


Second Adult: Damn!


Shawn walks back into the house and finally, FINALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HE CAME HOME, puts on some pants. Applause arises throughout the house. Even the potted plants are clapping.


Linda Jebus: So, have you made a room so that the baby can have somewhere to sleep?


Shawn: No.


Linda: You should do it. Babies need lots of mental stimulation so that they will be sooooo smart when they get older.


Jim: Uhm, what’s up with that? I mean, when I was a kid, the only toy my parents gave me until I was like ten, was a rusty can top, and I’m not an idiot!


Jim then resumes playing with his Power Rangers.


Shawn: My child will have none of that mental stimulation. It will have sweet, sweet clit-ular stimulation.


Linda: What if your child is a boy? Boys don’t have a clitoris.


Shawn: Oh, yeah?!? Well, I’m a boy….


Shawn rips off his pants, and shoves his crotch into Linda’s face.


Shawn: And I have a clit! See?


Linda pukes from the effluvium rising from Shawn’s crotch. She just does miss puking in Shawn’s Screwdriver. Yes, Shawn is drinking a Screwdriver, which has a little, mini-screwdriver floating in it.


Shawn: Goddammit! That was a good drink, too! Where the hell are my Martini’s?


Shawn puts his pants back on, and Slipknot then heads up the stairs to make a room for Shawn’s soon-to-be-born baby.


Shawn: So, what should we make for this kid?


Suddenly, Rain and Crow come barreling up the stairs.


Rain: That malodor disappeared, so we figured Shawn put on some pants. Uh, did he? Crow look and see!


Crow: No!!!


Paul: Snort, snort. He’s wearing pants.


Rain: Good. Whatcha doin’?


Linda: I was about to say that they should build a mobile and put a baby bed in here for starters.


Rain: (looking at Linda) GOD look at this prep whore!!! Prep whore!


Crow: Prep whore!


Mick: Grrrrr…prep whore!


Craig: Beautiful creature of my dreams!


Rain and Crow: God!


Linda: I enjoy being a prep, okay? Prep is be-yutiful!


Rain: Whatever.


Crow: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! You said we needed a mobile right?


Linda: Yeah.


Crow: I got the perfect idea! Shawn, come with us!


Shawn: Wait a minute, lemme build the baby bed.


Shawn puts a table in the middle of the room, and places a cardboard box on top of it. He tosses some blankets in.


Shawn: There! Just like I had when I was growing up in Ringling Brothers!


Rain, Crow, and Shawn leave the room, and everyone stares around uncomfortably. Joey looks over at Paul.


Joey: I am not fat!


Rain, Crow, and Shawn walk back in the room carrying some crap-filled Snapple bottles. Correction, Shawn was carrying the bottles. Rain and Crow are standing far away from the bottles.


Crow: Meet the Shit Mobile!


Shawn hangs this up, and everyone starts attacking the walls with spray paint. Joey paints a rainbow on the wall. Mick starts doing the caveman wall drawings. Corey draws a stick figure.


Jim: Dude, what the hell is that?


Corey: It’s a frog! See? There’s the tongue…there’s the lilly pad…..


Jim: Whatever, dude.


Later Still…


A drunken Shawn is sitting on Joey’s potty training chair, without pants, with Sid and Joey at his feet, oh, yeah, and Shawn is straining.


Shawn: Listen up kids. (hiccups and sucks some snot) I think you’re about old enough for me to tell you this now. (pukes on Sid and Joey, and his feet) Okay…I don’t know how to fucking say this….here goes….okay, girls have a penis, and boys have a vagina. Okay, got it? Want to see what my vagina looks like?


Sid and Joey: NO!!!!


Shawn begins to stand up, and Sid and Joey begin to cry.


Shawn stumbles around and points at his crotch.


Shawn: This is my vagina. It is nice and wet and juicy. Now, let me show you how to insert a tampon.


Shawn does, and Joey and Sid shit their pants.


Later Still…At About 4 In The Morning...


Shawn: Goddammit! I’m hungry! Let’s go!!!


Slipknot runs out of the door, and hops in the Trak-Tour. They speed down the road to a Waffle and Pancake House. They go in and grab a seat.


Chris: Dude, you know who has a small ass dick? Billie Joe Armstrong!


Mick: Grrrrrr….I know….is inch long….


Joey: I don’t know. It looked pretty long to me.


Joey looks around the table. They all burst into laughter.


Corey: I know! I saw him in like a Playboy or something, and it looked like one of those bumps on a chicken when you pluck it!!!


From a few tables down, a nose pokes up into the air. Suddenly, a hint of raspberry fills the air.


Mick: Grrrrrr…uh, oh…..


Echo: I smell my MICK!!!!! Come to Echo!!!


Mick begins to cry out. Echo flies over, and hovers at Mick’s ear.


Echo: (whispering) I can smell your cunt!


Mick: Grrrr….bear no have cunt…


Echo: Oh. You don’t wipe your ass very often, do you?


Mick: Grrr…wipe clean constant….use Echo hair….


Echo: What? No!!!


Mick: Grrrr…..Mick bear have of no cunt….


Shawn: I do!!


Joey: Me too!!!! I think! What’s this?


Joey rips his pants down, and shoves his crotch in Echo’s face.


Echo: I don’t know, but my tongue ain’t touchin’ it!


Rain: Oooo yay. Slipknot. Fun!


Echo: Yeah! Wahoo!


Rain: Moo...


Suddenly…


Corey: OH
MY
GOD!!!!
IT’S
DENISE
RICHARDS!!!!


Corey leaps over top of everyone’s head, and begins humping a ketchup bottle four tables down. This is when a lady comes over to take Slipknot’s orders.


Waitress: Can I kick you?


Chris: What?


Mick: Grrrrr…kick faerie Echo…


Waitress: Oh, I keep forgetting this isn’t KFC. Okay, whuddaya want?


Echo: Blunt. Goes right to the point. Is your name Anya?


Waitress: No. It’s Busty.


Corey: Oh, I saw that movie! I loved it so much I bought it! “Busty the Vampire Layer”! My copy is wet and sticky though!


Busty: Uh, what’s your order?


Paul: Snort, snort eggs and bacon.


Busty: How do you want your snort snort eggs?


*Note To Readers – If ya couldn’t tell….Busty is a blonde….


Paul: Snort, snort raw.


Busty: Okay…snort snort raw snort snort eggs and bacon. Is that the thin bacon or the thick?


Paul: Snort, snort thick.


Busty: Okay, snort snort thick snort snort bacon.


Paul: Snort, snort no! Snort, snort thick bacon! Not snort, snort thick snort, snort bacon!


*Note To Readers – It actually IS four in the morning. Sleepyness type thing is setting in, and brain don’t work right, and stupid things are funny.


Chris: I want a gi-normous waffle!! As big as your left boob! With craters as big as my head!!!


Busty: What? You don’t want a waffle as big as my right boob?


Busty grabs her right boob and bounces it.


Chris: No…your left one is a little bigger….


Joey: I want a big blueberry waffle!


Busty: What part of my anato…. Ana…. Body do you want that to be the size of?


Joey: Your right ass cheek!


Busty: I know. Don’t I have such a beautiful tight ass?


Joey: Yeah! I’d love to spank it!


Busty: Ooooo….


Joey leans over in his seat and bites Busty in the ass.


Corey: Pancakes. With butter. And syrup. AND A HEAPING HELPING OF YOUR LEFT NIPPLE!!!


Corey leans toward Busty and makes licking motions.


Jim: I want some Power Rangers cereal.


Busty: We don’t have that. I can bring you some Power Puff Girls cereal.


Jim: Whatever….Power Puff Mighty Morphin Ranger Girls!!! Keee-ya!!!


Shawn backhands Jim.


Mick: Grrrr….order of Echo Faerie detach from leg…..


Sid: Buzzzzzzzz…..scones…..lots and lots of scones……


Busty: Okay…….


Stubby Sawed-off Nude Sexy Boy Clown: Sausages.


Busty: Okay. Link or patty?


Shawn: Link. Loooong links.


Busty: Oooooo….I like looooong sausages.


Sid: Buzzzzzz…..no think should flirt with clown…..he has clit…..


Shawn: SHUT UP YOU INSOLENT SLAVE!!!!!


Sid: Buzzzzz……and lethal farts…..


Shawn backhands Sid.


Busty: (rubbing against Shawn’s shoulder) Don’t worry…(purrs)…I like guys with clits and lots of gas……


Shawn: I don’t have a clit! I have a dick! And it really fucking itches!!


Shawn begins scratching furiously at his nads while he downs some Early Times Liquor and some bourbon.


Shawn: Oh, yeah. To drink? I want one bourbon. One scotch. And one beer.


Craig: I want a nude girl from Mardi Gras.


Busty: Okay. I think we’re all out of those, but I’ll check anyway.


Busty leaves and comes back with a big tray full of food.


Busty: Ah…snort snort raw snort snort eggs and snort snort thick bacon….


Paul: Snort, snort right…


Busty: And a left boob sized waffle….


Chris: Alright….


Busty: A blueberry waffle as big as my right ass cheek….


Joey: Yummy!


Busty: A pancake with butter and syrup. I’m sorry, we’re all out of my left nipple…


Corey: Oh, poo…..


Shawn: (hungrily) Where?!?!


Busty: A big bowl of Power Puff Girls cereal…..


Jim: POWER PUFF MIGHTY MORPHIN RANGER GIRLS!!!!


Busty: Yeah, whatever….here’s you some toast….


Mick: Grrrr….no like of toast….


Busty: Oh, I think you’ll like this toast…..it was made by me….and it’s TOAST!!


Mick: Grrrrrr….ooooo….will you throw in the jelly?


Busty: I thought you’d never ask! THROW IN THE JELLY!!!!





Jelly begins falling from the ceiling down on Mick’s head. Jim begins slapping his spoon in his milk. The milk starts splattering all over.


Mick: Grrrrrr…but all bear wanted…was for Echo let go….


Sid: Buzzzzzzz……where’s my scones? Where’s my scones? Where’s my scones? Where’s my scones?


Rain and Crow: (chanting) Where’s his scones? Where’s his scones? Where’s his scones? Where’s his scones?


Busty: Here. One plate of stones.


Sid: Buzzzzzzno!!!!! Scones! A British breadular substance!!!


Busty: huh?


Sid: Bring me scones! Right the hell now!!!


Shawn: You didn’t say…


Sid: Fuck off!!!


Shawn raises his hand to backhand Sid, and Sid gives Shawn a right cross.


Sid: I said, FUCK OFF!!!


Busty goes in the back, and brings out some of those homemade biscuits (yeah, we actually spell it straight….damn limp dick Fred Durst…) that have too much flour in them and will make you puke.


Busty: Here. This is the only “breadular” substance we had…


Busty: and here is your link sausages….


Shawn: (drunkenly) I take these link su-aw-sah-gees….and I push them up in my clit….and it feels so good…..first I must put of the su-aw-sah-gees on my tongue and rolls it around….and then I bite it….


Corey: Owwww!!!


Shawn: Whut in the goddamn hell yu talkin’ ‘bout?


Corey: You were staring at me…I thought you were flirting….getting into it….and THEN YOU SAID YOU BIT MY DICK!!!


Shawn: Yu goddamn freek!


Rain: (to Crow) Damn did you notice how fuckin’ ugly that Busty is?


Crow: Uh, yeah! Goddamn!


Rain: Yeah, she looks like the long lost lesbian love child of Judge Judy and Sally Jesse Raphael!


Crow: Yeah! They were making mad lesbian love, and some sailors passed from Sally Jesse into Judge Judy!


Rain: Sailors? Don’t you mean “semen”?


Crow: Uh, yeah! That’s it!


*Note To Readers – Ooooo oooo oooo…it’s smoke a crack rock time!!!! We’re gonna start a new campaign. Some folks tell you to “Say no to drugs”. We’re gonna tell you to “Say no to labrets”. Those things have gotten too damn popular!!!


Busty turns to Craig.


Busty: Well, we were all of nude girls from Mardi Gras, so…..


Busty rips off her shirt, exposing her bare breasts. She then grabs a bottle of syrup, and pours half the bottle on her chest.


Busty: (purrs) Eat up….


Craig: No thanks.


Suddenly…


Corey: Oh, my god!!! It’s Denise Richards!!!


Corey leaps up and begins humping Busty’s, uhm, how to put this….he’s naked from the waist down…..shoving his crotch in her cleavage? When Corey finally hops down, he is sticky all over. The bell over the door rings, and everyone looks up. Suddenly…


Corey: OH MY GOD!!! IT’S GEORGE DUBYA!!!


Corey runs over to the door, where George Dubya and Twiggy Ramirez and standing, hand in hand.


Corey: Dude, how the hell did you become President?


George Dubya: Larcenababany, bribabababery, and executionabable-lerytion.


Shawn: Look at my clit!


Shawn rips his pants off and shoves his crotch in George Dubya’s face.


George Dubya: Look at that, Twiggy! It looks like a giant clitababababorus with a sausagogogin stickin’ out of it.


Craig: Did someone say Twiggy? TWIGGY? How’s my girlfriend doin’?


*Stupid Echo Observation – Okay, I think that it should be made a law that Twiggy should have to wear make-up at all times. How about you? Of course you think so.


Craig goes over, and sees Twiggy holding George Dubya’s hand.


Craig: You…..you’re cheating on me? How dare you!


Craig walks over, and head-butts George Dubya.


*Note To Readers – Yeah, we do realize the Secret Service is gonna tear into our asses for this. Hey, we’re not threatening….we just realize we’re like a shotgun shell and a heart attack away from not having a President….damn…


Craig: Twiggy….I lovededed you….how could you do this to me?


Rain goes over and takes a bite out of Corey’s pancake. She then pukes on the floor.


Rain: GodDAMN that’s nasty! I think Busty has been rubbing it against her cunt!!


Busty: I have.


Joey slaps Busty on the ass.


Joey: (drunkenly) Damn you are a hot guy!!


This starts off a good old fashioned spanking contest. One of the funnest games ever made. Especially in a restaurant. Ever done that? You should. It’s wiiiiilllllddddd man…


Chris: Whoooo hooooo!!!!!!


Chris begins dancing naked on the tables, and Slipknot, Rain, Echo, Busty, Twiggy, and George Dubya’s corpse run around smacking each other on the ass. Rain goes to smack Jim on the ass, but Busty runs in front of her, and Rain plants her hand firmly on Busty’s ass.


Rain: Oh, god! Whore germs! Whore germs!


Busty: Y’know…normally I don’t go for women….but in your case…..


Rain: God, get away from me!!!


Busty then goes over and tries to make out with Twiggy.


Slipknot: We love lesbians! We love lesbians! We love lesbians! We love lesbians!


Rain: Yeah, but they don’t love you back!


Echo flies over and slaps Mick on the ass. Mick then turns around and clubs the fuck out of Echo. Suddenly, the hint of raspberry disappears.


Crow: What am I doing? And why am I attached to Mick?


Crow looks over, and sees Craig. He leaps in the air and grabs ahold of Craig’s left arm.


Crow: Daddy!


Rain: No! (leaps and grabs ahold of Craig’s right arm) He’s my daddy!!!


Mick shrugs, leaps and grabs at Craig’s torso. Craig topples over onto his back.


Mick: Grrrrrrr…..DADDY-POPPA!!!!!


Craig: (choking) Dude, could you get off? You’re crushing my fucking sternum.


Mick: Grrrrrr…..oh….


Mick hops up. This is when Chris Klein walks in. Rain and Crow go running over to him.


Crow: Dude, what happened to your forehead?


Chris Klein: Oh, I fell asleep in the airport, and they tried to build a runway on my forehead…


Rain: (monotone voice like Ben Stein) Oh, my god. You are so hot. I think I am in love with you. Oh, god can I have your autograph?


Chris Klein: Oh, sure.


Chris Klein starts feeling around in his pockets, and when he looks up, Rain hits him in the teeth with a baseball bat. Rain then draws back, and hits him again.


Rain: Die, damn you! Die!


A head pops up from the last booth in the corner.


Voice: Oooo oooo she heet een face of sexy nood boiey!!! No be of to hurt of sexy nood boiey!!!


A really pretty lady (uh, Janet Reno!) walks in carrying her very sleepy four year old. Shawn’s eyes light up.


Shawn: Well, hello. Oh, yeah. You like that boobie filled with milk right there, don’t you? Well, how’d you like to suckle on mine?


Baby: Goo goo?


The Next Day...


Crow: Okay, so we get to do the interview?


Linda: Yes. It’s only fair. Strangely, you two seem to be the most logical people around here.


Rain: (smiling) You don’t know us very well, do you?


Linda: Oh, and can you please tell Shauna to stop drinking? It’s not good for the baby!


Shawn comes down the stairs.


Crow: Yeah, well, I don’t think rolling down the stairs is good for the baby either!


Shawn comes and sits on the couch. Sid flies over, and hovers above Shawn’s head.


Crow: Shawn, you’re glowing!


Shawn: Yeah, I went swimming down by the power plant.


Linda: Uh, why is Sidney wearing a dress?


Slipknot comes piling in through the kitchen door.


Crow: Oh, it’s “dress like the opposite sex” day.


Linda: Well, why are you two dressed normal?


Crow: Oh, no. See, I’m dressed like a girl on “dress like the opposite sex” day. And Rain’s gonna dress like that no matter what.


Rain smiles.


Rain: Tee hee. Moo. Yay!


Mick comes in wearing a dress that is strapless, and a bra that isn’t. Craig walks in wearing a tube top (and nothing else). Paul walks in, naked, with some pantyhose on his head. Corey comes out wearing some panties with a picture of Denise Richards on them.


Crow: Corey, what the hell are you wearing?


Corey: Denise Richards’ panties!


Crow: Oh.


Chris has a pair of Martha Stewart’s panties hanging from his nose, and is wearing a black leather catsuit. Jim is wearing some of those little girl size 2 panties with the pink and yellow Power Rangers on them. It also says “Keee-ya!” across the ass. Joey comes out with a beard on and some Osh Kosh B-Gosh over-alls. Mick sits down on the couch with his legs spread open. This is when we find out he’s not wearing any form of undies down there. Oh, did we mention he keeps on bouncing his leg? Anyway, Rain and Crow begin to interview Shawn and Sid. Did we mention that Shawn is naked? Well he is. Yeah, midway through the interview, Crow happens to look over at Mick and see…well…use your imagination. Suddenly…yadda, yadda….hint of raspberry…Echo…”Mick is my bitch”….Echo attaches to Mick’s upper thigh….you know how it goes by now. Shawn takes his man boobs and places them in Sid’s hands.


Shawn: Can you lift these, baby? They some heavy mother fuckers, huh? LICK THEM NOW, HONEY!!!! KITTY BATH! KITTY BATH!


Echo begins giving Mick a tongue bath.


Rain: You enjoying Echo’s tongue, ain’t ya?


Mick: GRRRRRRRR!!!!! GAY FAERIE FAGGOT!!!!!


Mick begins freaking out. He’s bouncing off the walls. He bounces so hard that it tips the camper trailer over.


Stubby Sawed-Off Nude Clown: GODDAMMIT MICK!!!!!!


Stubby Sawed-Off Nude Clown begins beating Mick with his man boobs. Busty comes running in, ties up Rain, and attempts to dyke her. Jim hurriedly rearranges the furniture, so that we can all now sit on the inside wall of the camper.


Rain: Hey, Stubby! How do you dyke someone?


Shawn: Like this!


Shawn flips Sid over, and begins rubbing his clit all over Sid’s naked ass.


Shawn: THIS is how you dyke someone!!! You like that don’t ya, Sidney?!


Echo: I NEED BOOBIES!!


Corey: Why, man?


Echo: SO I CAN BOUNCE THE HELL OUT OF THEM!!!


Corey: Denise Richards has big hug-able boobies!!!


Echo: Shawn, how did you get your boobies so big?!


Stubby Sawed-Off Nude Sexy Boy Clown: I’m a female! I was born with them!! Hey! Guess what! I got a clit!! Wanna see???


Echo: I’ve already seen it!!


Shawn: But you haven’t seen it up-close!!!


Echo hides in Mick’s armpit.


Echo: Oh, god!!!!


Echo flies up the stairs and comes back carrying something.


Echo: Here honey baby! Use this!


Echo hands Mick some extra strength deodorant.


Mick: Grrrr….. no….


Mick rubs the deodorant on Echo’s head, and puts him in the pocket of his fur suit.


Mick: Grrrrrrrr………musk…..attract….female….bear….


Joey: I’m a she-male!!!


Corey: DENISE RICHARDS HAS BIG BOOBIES!!!!!


Rain: Dude, why are you wearing little girl’s panties??


Jim: ‘Cause it feels so gooooooods…. (rubs his ass)


Jim goes to stand up and falls down because the super little panties have cut off the blood circulation to his legs.


Mick: Grrrrrrr……noooooo……stop!!!!


Mick jumps up and Echo flies out of his pocket with a very happy look on his face. Mick swats Echo against the wall.


Mick: Grrr…..Echo…faerie…in…pocket…of…fur…pants…begin…grabbing…at…things….


Shawn grabs Sidney by the arm and almost jerks it out of socket by placing it on his belly bewwy.


Shawn: Goddammit, can you feel the baby kicking, honey?


Shawn flutters his eyelashes.


Sid: Buzzzzzx….no. Not really….master…


Stubby Sawed-Off Nude Clown: Good then, Goddammit. He’s probably fully digested now.


Rain: How in the fucking hell did you fit into a child’s size 2 panties?


Jim: Uhm… butter! I think!!! No.. wait... I think woke up with them on!


Joey: Hey, those are mine!!


Joey begins pulling at the panties trying to get them off of Jim.


Jim: NO!!! They’re mine!!!!


Jim and Joey begin playing tug-of-war with the panties, and they split.


Joey: You bastard, you broke it!


Bob Villa walks in, holding hands with Chuck Norris.


Bob Villa: Look! I found someone who loves squirrels just as much as me!!! We met over the internet!!!


Corey: I know that guy….


Chuck Norris: Hi. I’m Chuck Norris, star of….


Joey: “Sidekicks”!!!


Chuck Norris: Well, yes…but I was going to say “Walker, Texas Ranger”. Most people know me from that…


Corey: No…that’s not it. Walk around.


Chuck Norris walks around.


Corey: Uh, huh. You’re from those fitness commercials. The ones with the hot chicks. You move your ass funny!


Chuck Norris: Yeah…well…it’s ‘cause of my artificial hip. So, you liked my movie “Sidekicks”, did ya little…..girl?


Joey: No. I hated it. You fucking blow! And don’t call me a girl! I am a manly man!


Joey rips off his shirt, exposing his bra.


Joey: Oh, damn. I didn’t know I was wearing that!


Joey rips off his bra.


Chuck: Oh, you’re one of those flat-chested chicks aren’t you?


Joey runs over and kicks Chuck Norris in the nads. Chuck Norris falls over and rolls into a ball in the floor.


Joey: See? I kicked your ass!!


Bob: We wrote a poem! For our squirrels! It goes a little something like this! (clears throat) Squirrels, squirrels they are so sweet!


Chuck: (coughing up blood) I love to put them on my meat….


Bob: I ask them how they like my nuts…


Chuck: Then do them all up their tight squirrel butts!!


Sid: Buzzzzz….really? I wrote one for Shawn….


Sid gets down on one knee and faces a squirrel. Shawn slaps Sid, and makes him face towards Shawn’s naked crotch.


Sid: Buzzzzzxs….okay….here goes…..
Shawn is hot, Shawn is coot
Shawn likes to make, his ass go poot
He’ll write a song, it’ll be a hit
Well look at that, Shawn has a clit


Echo: Loverly. I wrote one too! Mine is for Mick! It goes….
Let me tell you now, Mick I think I love yous
I love to gaze up into, your gorgeous baby blues
Your raven black hair, I’ll run my fingers through it
Oh screw all this crap, let’s just go and do it.


Mick blushes. He then looks around confusedly.


Shawn: Oh, god. I think I’m going into labor!!!


Slipknot, Rain, Echo, Linda, Bob Villa, and Chuck Norris all run and hop into the Trak-Tour.


Mick: Grrrrr…..wait!!!


Mick runs off, and comes back holding all of his puppy-kittens in the palm of one hand.


Mick: Grrrrrr….two more missing…..


*Note To Readers – Yup. Apparently, over the past couple of stories, Mick’s puppy-kittens are disappearing! Panic! Panic! Where the hell are they going?


Mick puts his puppy-kittens into the Trak-Tour, and Paul stomps on the gas. The Trak-Tour goes speeding down the road. Paul looks off to the side, and gets distracted by a hog farm. He begins walking towards the hog farm, and Craig jumps into the drivers seat. Paul falls off, and, upon smatting against the asphalt begins running behind the Trak-Tour. He jumps back on, and Rain and Crow toss Bob Villa and Chuck Norris off the back. They splat against the windshield of the car behind the Trak-Tour. Rain and Crow then begin playing a fun game of their own creation. This game is called kite-ball. Kite-ball is played by tying a shoe string or some yarn or something around a piece of paper that is then balled up. The next step is holding tightly to the string, and tossing the ball out of the window. The ball flies around in the air, twirling and bouncing, and has a tendency to attract attention from people in other cars. Much fun. Until…


Rain: Oh, shit! The kite-ball flew away!!!


Rain and Crow toss Joey off the back of the Trak-Tour.


Rain and Crow: Get our kite-ball!!!!


Rain and Crow then toss Corey off the back of the Trak-Tour. Corey tries to slide like a dog on wet linoleum or ice, he lands sliding on the side of his neck and his shoulder. Joey grabs the kite-ball. Joey then flies over, sees Corey, and tries to lift him off of the ground. He sprains a wing in the process.


Finally, At The Hospital...


*Note To Readers – Okay, we thought that you should know that it is currently the FOURTH DAY STRAIGHT writing this damn story. Four days in a row we have spent constantly writing on this story. Rather sad. Damn we’ll actually be glad to finish this damn thing.


Okay, Slipknot FINALLY arrive at the hospital. They pile Shawn into a wheelchair, and speed down the halls.


Joey: Ow! My fucking wing hurts!!!


Corey: Ow! My fucking shoulder hurts!!!


Chris: (running out in front) Get out of the way! Monster clit coming through!!!


Rain and Crow come barreling up into the lobby.


Rain: Dammit! Where are they?


Crow: I don’t know!


Rain: Well if you didn’t have to ransack every vending machine along the way…


Crow: Couldn’t help it! It was Crispy M&M’s!!!!


Rain: Chocolate is blah....did you have to break the glass in all the machines?


Crow shrugs, and turns his pockets inside out.


Crow: No quarters!!!


Rain and Crow look around. There is a guy sitting there with bees attached to him (a human bee-hive!!!) and a guy sitting there on fire (the Human Torch! Flame on!!!). There are other guys gathered around “the Human Torch” roasting marshmallows on him.


*Note To Readers – Did you realize that Johnny Storm, The Human Torch, was the first homosexual comic book character? His battle cry was “Flame on!” for crying out loud!!! C’mon! Wait. Superman’s “friend” Jimmy Olsen might have been before him…I do believe they came long before the Tick…SPOON!!!


Rain and Crow begin running down the halls, looking for Slipknot.


Meanwhile, In The Delivery Room...


*Note To Readers – Okay, what Shawn says is not our fault. He’s drunk and in labor. Strange things fly out of people’s mouth when they’re like that. We do not recommend acting like Shawn. Especially if you live in the ghetto.


Shawn: Oooooooooo!!!! (sucks in air) Oooooooooo!!!!! (sucks in air) Ooooooooo!!! (sucks in air) SIDNEY!! IMA KILL YOU, YOU SUM BITCH!!!!


Nurse: Breathe! Breathe!


Shawn: Get your damn hands off me, nigga!!!!


Nurse: Sir!


Shawn: I don’t want no damn black doctor working on me!!


Nurse: Okay. Dr. Huxtable, let’s go find a doctor they may like more.


Dr. Huxtable: (walking out of the door) The complexities of the Jell-O gelatin pudding….


Jim: Hey, Craig! Check it out man! There’s a strange hand hovering over my head with a scalpel!


Craig: Wait. Isn’t that your hand, Jim?


Jim: It iiiiiiiiiiiisssssss iiiiiissssssn’t it?


The nurse brings in another doctor.


Nurse: I brought you a white doctor.


Shawn: Get that damn white guy away from me!!! I hate Caucasians!


Nurse: Well what do you want?


Shawn: Uhm….an Australian!!!


Nurse: But we don’t have any Australian birth doctors!!!


Shawn: I WANT AN AUSTRALIAN!!!


The nurse leaves again.


Meanwhile, In The Halls...


Rain: Did anyone see a pregnant naked clown come through here?


Crow runs into a doctor.


Crow: Dude, is that?


Dr. Huxtable: Have you had your Jell-O gelatin pudding today?


Crow: (grabbing Dr. Huxtable’s shoulders and shaking him) GOD, MAN, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!


Dr. Huxtable: Whutchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?


Crow: WHERE IS STUBBY?!?!


Dr. Huxtable: What?


Rain: Where is the pregnant, naked clown?!?!?!?


Dr. Huxtable: In that room there. (points) They have Jell-O.


Rain: Yay.


Dr. Huxtable: I pity….I pity…..I pity the person who runs out of delicious Jell-O gelatin pudding.


Rain and Crow run up into the hospital room.


Rain: Dammit, haven’t you given birth yet, Stubby?


Shawn: No!!! Hee hee hoo. Hee hee hoo. Hee hee hoo. LICK MY CLIT, SIDNEY!!!!


Sid begins bumping against the window trying to escape.


Suddenly, the nurse runs back in with a guy in shorts and a bum.


Nurse: Okay. These were the only Australians we could find!


Guy In Shorts: Crickey! Look at this!!!


Crow: Dude, is that? I think that bum is Hugh Jackman! You were so gay in your one movie, X-Men.


Rain: You fucking Nephromaniac pedophile!


Rain looks over here shoulder and sees Chris Klein in a hostipal bed. Rain then drags Crow across the hall by his hair.


Rain: (in a Ben Stein voice) Oh my god. It is the hottest person in the world. I wanna fuck you so bad. Oh man, you are so hot.


Rain reaches in her pocket, and pulls out a baseball bat. She begins striking Chris Klein with it. Suddenly, Shawn begins wailing.


Crow: Dude, Shawn is giving birth!!!


Rain and Crow run back to Shawn’s room. They see the camera for the “A Baby Story” show lying on the ground. Apparently, the cameraman had gotten scared and run away. So Rain picks up the camera and Crow directs her where to shoot.


Crow: Okay, okay the face! Shoot the face!! Okay, you got it? Okay, now. Close-up on the clit! Shoot that clit! That's our money shot!!!


Rain: Nooooooo!!!!!!


Crow: Yes!!!! Gimme that camera!!!


Crow grabs the camera, focuses on Shawn’s clit, and starts walking in close.


Crow: Focus! Focus!


Shawn starts straining hard, and diarrhea shit flies all over the room.


Crow: Ahhhh!!! Someone get the crap off of the camera!!!


Steve Irwin: Crickey! Gimme the camera!


Crow: No!! Get your ass over there and deliver that baby!!!


Joey: (mumbling) Pay attention to me…..


Joey runs out of the room, and jumps back in.


Joey: Look at my COCK! Isn’t it a big COCK? Isn’t it the biggest COCK you’ve ever seen? Look! I can put my COCK on my ASS!!!!


Chris looks over, and sees Joey standing there holding Paul’s rooster on a donkey.


Chris: Dude, you have problems. What’s your childhood trauma?


Shawn lets loose a fart, singing the curtains, and causing a suction type thing that drags Joey up into his ass.


Joey: Ahhhhh!!!!


Shawn: Ahhhhhh!!!!


Shawn grunts, and Joey comes flying out.


Steve Irwin: Crickey! Look at that baby! What a beaut! Look at the size of it’s chompers! One bite from this luh-ul creature contains enough venom to paralyze a full grown elephant!


Joey snaps at Steve Irwin.


Steve: Crickey! You’re a vicious one, aren’t you?


Suddenly, Shawn gives one last grunt, and his baby flies out. It hits Steve Irwin in the chest, and knocks him over.


Steve Irwin: Crickey! Cut the cord Hugh Jackman!


Hugh Jackman pulls out a boomerang and throws it at the umbilical cord. It slices through, and comes back to Hugh.


Steve: Congratulations, Shawn! It’s a turd!


Shawn: Oh…..my baby!!!


Steve: (looking deeply into the camera) Crickey, that’s the biggest baby I’ve ever seen. It’s gotta be ten pounds, and at least forty inches long!!!


Hugh Jackman jumps up into Jim’s face.


Hugh: That’s no’ a knife! THIS is a knife!!!!


Shawn: Goddammit, my baby looks like Mick!!!


Sid: Buzzzzzz…nooooo…..Shawn cheat on me….with a BEAR!!!!


Sid flies to the ceiling, and begins banging his head against the light.


Shawn: Goddamn, I feel lighter….


Shawn hops up and begins doing a stripper dance. He shoves ping pong balls into his clit and shoots them out. Next, Slipknot hop into the Trak-Tour to go to the vet. See, they have to take Corey and Joey to get them patched up. Oh, and Sid too, ‘cause he seems to have a butt plug stuck in his ass….


*Note To Readers – Okay, we couldn’t help but ensure that everyone realized one thing. Okay, the cock we kept making references to throughout this story was actually a rooster that belonged to Paul. I think we mentioned that a few times. Oh, yeah, and the clit of Shawn. Uhm, ya see, Shawn was drunk pretty much this entire story. Drunken Shawn, lead to believe he has a clit. Drunk people can do and say some very, very crazy things. Sid and everyone else went along with Shawn, because, well, you have to go along with whatever a drunk person says. It’s more fun that way. Trust me. I know.


Okay, it’s about goddamn time this story was finally FINISHED!!!!!!!