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October 2002
Report from the Department for the Prevention of Cruelty X X X X X X X X X X
to English X X X X X X X X X X
The following words and phrases have been rendered meaningless by gross overuse. Please
avoid using these words and phrases for at least three years:
1
Chilling
2
Shocking
3
Mourn (and all derivatives)
4
Homeland
5
Reflect (all figurative uses)
6
Evil
7
Attacks
8
Healing Process
Be Afraid, Please. . .
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Why do the newspeople have to report on the frightened, cowering and devastated masses
every time a big event happens? Where do they find all these terrified nitwits, anyway? It’s just not
enough to report an event: x happened, at x time, with x damages. No, we have 24-hour news net-
works with a helluva lot of airtime to fill, so we have to hear the “human” side of the story for every-
thing. That is, for every shooting, tropical storm, ground tremor, and budget cut, we have to have a
tearful interview. And if they can’t find anybody distraught enough for the camera, they can just
invent them - usually lots of them, simply by saying things like “as you might imagine, people are
pretty nervous.”
Hurricane Lili disappointed the newsfolks terribly by shrinking before landfall. Still, after the
storm passed, they were talking about it like it was a major disaster. With so many people “picking
up the pieces of their lives,” and “beginning the process of rebuilding” from this storm, you’d think
they were going through drug rehab, not calling roofers and starting chainsaws.
The journalists must think they’re not doing their jobs unless every story can be a novella:
Rustic Setting, a cast of Regular People Like You, the Tragic Event that Ripped Their Lives Apart,
and a tidy resolution of People Rebuilding and Dealing With Their Loss, as seen in week-after and
one-year-later interviews.
Puh-leez! This is news. If we need more bathos in our lives, there are always Oprah’s book club
and Lifetime Original Movies. We are not so stupid we can’t guess that people are nervous when
there’s a killer on the loose in their town. We don’t need five shaking commuters and twenty evasive
analysts to tell us so. Nor do we need a horde of psychologists to tell us how to help the kids deal
with the event.
And to all you reporters out there who are definitely not reading this, there’s a difference be-
tween “fleeing” and “evacuating:” when you evacuate, you spend two hours in line at Food World
getting batteries for your travel alarm clock. Fleeing usually involves tornadoes or enemy armies.
Vote Lucifer !
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(Why settle for some lesser evil?)
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I met a politician a couple of weeks ago. It was after the primaries. I passed him on the sidewalk
on my way to work. For the fourth weekend in a row I was shouldering my way through the gauntlet of
sign-holders in Everett Square when I noticed that Mr.-name-on-sign was actually there. He shook my
hand before I could get away. I furiously mumbled “I didn’t vote for you” and kept walking, and he was
far too preoccupied waving to the traffic to hear. Many yards down the sidewalk, I finally fished up the
anarchist snap I wanted: What gives you the right to rule me? But of course it was too late. Oh, well.
This year I almost have a political ideology to work from: I don’t want other people to hold power
over me that I have not freely and knowingly granted them, so I should not seek to hold power over
others that they have not freely and knowingly granted me. That means that if I vote, I should not vote
for tax increases, spending increases or additional laws and regulations. That’s straightforward enough,
since there are only three non-candidate things on the ballot.
It’s the candidates I can’t figure out. I’m tempted to vote for the LP candidate for governor, partly
because she doesn’t stand a chance. But I’m not sure whether I should vote on the candidates at all. If I
help elect somebody, am I wielding power over unconsenting others who didn’t vote for that person?
There is, of course, the big question to think about: Is voting an implicit endorsement of an obvious-
ly flawed, heavily exploited, and increasingly un-representative electoral system? On the other side are
the you-can’t-complain-if-you-don’t-vote and the if-you-can’t-stop-tyranny-at-least-slow-it-down ration-
ales, but after that last election neither of them appeals to me. I voted for Bush, he won, and I’ve been
horrified by him ever since. Perhaps I could just vote on the proposals and referendums: then I’d still be
part of the unconsenting majority who didn’t vote for Politician-who-got-the-office.
So I mailed in my voter registration form last week. I still can’t decide whether I should vote or
not, but at least I’ll be registered if I convince myself it’s justifiable by Election Day.
That Holiday Feeling. . . X X X X X X X X X X
I’m feeling trapped by the approaching gift season. My no-presents birthday went so well (despite
the sunburn) that I’m considering extending the request through this Christmas.
I just can’t seem to go the logical next step and stop buying presents. It’s not gift-giving I object
to - I like giving presents to people. It’s the rigid, twice-yearly mandatory present exchange that gets
under my skin. If I could muster any real courage, I’d stash the things I’ve already bought until February
and send them out as not-Christmas presents—then swear off the whole ritual for good.
But I’m terrified of what everyone would think of me if I skipped out on their presents. That’s prob-
ably unfair to the people on my Christmas list. They might have a chuckle at my expense if, in a fit of
idealism, I bypassed their Christmas presents. But I don’t think they’d be seriously offended. I just can’t
shake this vision of being pelted with Christmas ornaments while everybody snarls and thinks I’m a heart-
less creep.
So I wrestle with my cowardice and lose. I’m still trawling the stores to check off the rest of the
boxes on my gift list.
On the off chance you were wondering, the “we” is royal. I’m sure I had something else to write, but if I wait for my brain
to fish it out of the Chasm of Lost Thoughts, the October Thumbsmudge will end up being the November or December
Thumbsmudge. Also, my nephew is pestering me to restart the round of Extreme Peekaboo we were playing before his
afternoon nap. If, for some bizarre reason, you wish to contact me, try e-mailing Elleason@aol.com. Ordinary reasons
will also work.
…………………………………………Lilith