Commercial ends. Regis stands there, with piss still all over him, with a sour look on his face as if to say, "perhaps I should shut my mouth next time someone attempts to piss on me..."
Regis:
Okay, perhaps we'll have a better experience this time. Now, we have Bobby Hewitt!!!
Music plays. Bobby walks out in his underwear with his shirt unbuttoned and his pants around his ankles.
Bobby:
Hey! You said there were naked chicks out here!
Bobby looks over at Regis, and, scared that the old geezer might attempt to give him an anal probe, jerks up his pants.
Regis:
Mr. Hewitt, sir, how are you?
Regis walks over to shake his hand.
Bobby
Hey, first off, I don't swing that way, okay?
Regis:
(looks puzzled) I just want to shake your hand...
Bobby:
(mumbles) I don't know where yours has been, but I sure as hell know where mine has been...
Bobby pulls hand out of pants and shakes Regis' hand. He then *checks his ear.
Regis:
Okay, let's get started.
Bobby:
Alright! Bring on the strippers!!!
Regis:
Uhm, okay. Mr. Shuck, you know how the game is played. Blah blah blah, three life lines, blah blah blah, I screw guys, blah blah blah, I use the name Nancy when I go out, blah blah blah, I'm cumming to your town next.
Bobby:
I thought you looked familiar...
Regis:
Now, Mr. Hewitt. I shall start off with an easy one. Which of these is a porno movie? Is it:
A) Bambi;
B) Pretty Woman;
C) Shane's World;
D) Halloween?
Bobby:
Well, Bambi sounds like a porn star name...I remember Julia Roberts was a prostitute or something in that movie there, in Halloween they had, like, mad sex, but I know for a fact that Shane's World is a porno movie.
Regis:
Is that your final answer?
Bobby:
No shit, dickhead. I just finished watching it!
Regis:
You are....correct!!! You just won $100!!!
Bobby:
Oh, yeah, daddy's gonna have (looks at watch) and hours worth of fun tonight!
Regis:
Well, let's move on...
Bobby:
Let's not and say we did...
Regis:
We could do that, but it wouldn't be much of a show, would it?
Bobby:
Did you just doubt me?
Regis:
N-n-n-no...
Bobby:
I thought so!
Regis:
I will never, eeeeeeeeeever do it a-gain!
Bobby:
Let's move on! I need more cash-money!
Regis:
Oh...okay...Mr. Hewitt...
Bobby:
C'mon! My nut sacks are starting to get full again!
Regis:
The band Orgy debuted with what single?:
A) "Stitches";
B) "What's This Life For?";
C) "Make Me Bad";
D) "Welcome to the Jungle";
Bobby:
Dammit! Uhm, can I use a life-line?
Regis:
Sure. Which one?
Bobby:
I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my buddy Jonothan Davis.
Regis:
Okay.
Phone rings.
Jon:
What the fuck ya want?
Regis:
Hi. Jon Davis? This is Regis Philbin.
Jon:
What are you doin' callin' me? I told your peepin' tom ass to stop! And stay out of my bushes! Oh, and if you see that Kathy Lee bitch, tell her that one of my family was in that sweat shop, and if she don't let them out, I'm gonna come fuck her ass up!!! And tell that Frank Gifford ass-dweller to leave my mom alone!
Phone clicks.
Regis:
Uhm....I guess you won't get much help there...
Bobby:
Why don't you learn to shut your mouth?
Regis:
I can't...
Bobby:
Don't make me call up Jon and get him ta get KoRn up in this bitch!
Regis:
Uhm, could you just answer the question?
Bobby:
Could you just go suck your mom's a monkey's nipple?
Regis:
I'll give you another phone call!!
Bobby:
I don't want a phone call! I want a hot hootchie momma!
Regis:
Okay..Okay..call Jon Davis back...and get Bobby a "hot hootchie momma"...
Bobby:
Alright!!!
Regis:
I'm not sayin' anything this time...
Bobby:
Good...hello, Jon?
Jon:
Can you believe that that ass-fucking shit Regis Philbin just called me?
Bobby:
Yeah...you should kick his ass...
Jon:
Punk ass bitch...
Bobby:
I need you ta help me out. Turn the tv on ta ABC.
Jon:
Can do.
Bobby:
What's the answer to that question?
Jon:
What the fuck you doin' wit' Philbin?
Bobby:
Gettin' money for a "wild night on the bed town.
Jon:
Oh, that's cool.
Bobby:
So, what's the answer?
Jon:
You guys started with "Blue Monday" didn't you?
Bobby:
I don't know! I was watchin' porn at the time!
Jon:
Well, lessee..."Make Me Bad"...that's one of our songs...and "What's This Life For?"...I think that's Creed....uhm, I know you guys did "Stitches", but was it your first?
Bobby:
No, my first was in sixth grade. Her name was Karen...
Jon:
I don't know then, man.
Bobby:
Alright. I'll catch ya lata!
Jon:
Cool.
Jon hangs up phone
Bobby:
I wonder what Karen's doing...I wonder if she ever got untied...
Regis:
So...what's your answer?
Bobby:
Well, it's either "Stiches" or "Welcome to the Jungle"...uhm, damn, I shoulda been paying attention...then again I can't understand what the fuck Jay is saying...ever...uhm, "Welcome to the Jungle".
Regis:
Is that your final answer?
Bobby:
It better be.
Regis:
You are....(silence...frogs croak) wrong. I'm sorry, the answer was "Stitches".
Bobby:
Shit!
Regis:
There's no need for (more) harsh language...
Bobby:
No, I gotta shit!!
Bobby proceeds to run around the stage, looking for something to shit in, and finally, just goes and squats on Regis.
*otsamr...obvious "There's Something About Mary" reference...