Show begins. Regis comes out in one of those snappy suits. You know the ones I'm talkin' about. The black ones, with the black shirt, and black tie, that puts that look on Regis' face like he just busted a nut?
Regis:
We have a special surprise for everyone tonight. Instead of asking those ridiculously easy questions to get "normal" people (whispers, "in other words, the little people...those peasants...") to participate in our game, we have the greatest band of all time, Orgy!!!
Music plays. Ryan stumbles in.
Ryan:
Hey, where the fuck am I? This ain't the bathroom!!
Ryan procedes to walk to a corner of the room, and relieves himself on the wall.
Regis:
Mr. Shuck, sir, how are you?
Ryan
Huh? Oh, I'll have the usual...
Regis:
(looks puzzled) Are you excited about tonight's game?
Ryan:
There's a game on? Damn.....
Regis:
Why....don't...you have a seat so we can get started?
Ryan:
Dude....I'm not into all that gay stuff, ya hear?
Regis:
Uhm, okay. Mr. Shuck, you know how the game is played. Blah blah blah, three life lines, blah blah blah, luckily Kathy Lee quit, blah blah blah, I am taking over the world, blah blah blah, no one can stop me now.
Ryan:
Whatever....
Regis:
Now, Mr. Shuck. I shall start off with an easy one. Which of these is an alchoholic drink? Is it:
A) Pepsi;
B) Coca Cola;
C) Beer;
D) Jolt Cola?
Ryan:
Well, I have no idea what Pepsi is....Coca Cola is made from crack...I know it can't be Jolt Cola....uhm, beer?
Regis:
Is that your final answer?
Ryan:
Naw, mutha fucka, what you think?
Regis:
You are....correct!!! You just won $100!!!
Ryan:
Whoop dee freakin' doo!! I get that in an hour....
Regis:
Well, let's move on...
Ryan:
Whatever.
Regis:
Ryan...
Ryan:
What you just call me?!?!
Regis:
I mean Mr. Shuck...
Ryan:
I heard what you said!!! Don't want me come over there and kick your sorry ass!!!!
Regis:
I..I'm sorry...
Ryan:
Just don't do it again!!!
Regis:
Oh...okay...Mr. Shuck...
Ryan:
That's better...
Regis:
Okay, uhm, name the drummer from the goth/industrial band, Orgy. Is it:
A) Mercedes Lander;
B) Mike Cox;
C) Adam 12;
D) Bobby Hewitt;
Ryan:
Fuck! Uhm, can I use a life-line?
Regis:
Sure. Which one?
Ryan:
I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call me buddy Fred Durst.
Regis:
Okay.
Phone rings.
Fred:
Yo, whussup?
Regis:
Hi. Fred Durst? This is Regis Philbin.
Fred:
Yo how the hell'd you get my number, bitch!! I told your wife ta quit buggin' me!! I ain't fuckin' that ho no more!!!
Phone clicks.
Regis:
Uhm....I guess you won't get much help here...
Ryan:
What you sayin'? Huh?
Regis:
Nuh-nuh-nothing...
Ryan:
Don't make me call up Fred and get him ta pop a cap in yo' ass!!
Regis:
Uhm, could you just answer the question?
Ryan:
Could you just suck my dick?
Regis:
I'll give you another phone call!!
Ryan:
I don't want another call! I wanna talk to Fred!! I gotta find out what he's doin' this weekend!
Regis:
Okay..Okay..call him back...
Ryan:
Alright...
Regis:
I'll shut my mouth this time...
Ryan:
Good...hello, Fred?
Fred:
Yo, whussup? Man I had that punk-ass bitch Regis Philbin call me up..
Ryan:
Yeah...you should kick his ass...
Fred:
So, whatcha want?
Ryan:
I need you ta help me out. Turn the tv on ta ABC.
Fred:
Aiight.
Ryan:
What's the answer to that question?
Fred:
What the fuck you doin' wit' Philbin?
Ryan:
Gettin' beer money.
Fred:
Oh, that's straight.
Ryan:
So, what's the answer?
Fred:
Ya'll don't even have a drummer, do ya?
Ryan:
I don't think!
Fred:
Well, lessee...that Mercedes chick...I think she's in that band Kittie...and Mike, I think he's in Coal Chamber....uhm, who the fuck is Bobby Hewitt?
Ryan:
I don't know!!!
Fred:
Fuck that, then...I say go wit' Adam 12
Ryan:
You sure?
Fred:
Hell naw!!!
Ryan:
Alright..thanks...
Fred:
We straight...
Ryan:
Okay, I'm ready...where's my beer?
Regis:
I don't (hiccup) know...
Ryan:
Alright...I say that the answer is....Adam 12.
Regis:
Is that your final answer?
Ryan:
Bitch, if you ask me that one more god damn time I'm gonna fuck you up so bad...
Regis:
Okay...okay...but is it?
Ryan:
Sure..why not?
Regis:
(dramatic pause, meanwhile crickets chirp) I'm sorry. The answer was Bobby Hewitt. Adam 12 is the drummer from Powerman 5000.
Ryan:
Fuck you!! It was a trick question!!!
Ryan procedes to walk over to Regis, pull down his pants, and pisses all over him.
Ryan:
Take that, asshole!!!