"Hey Mom, I have a question for you?" my daugther
Alyson said at dinner one night.
"What honey?" I speared another piece of chicken and sat it on her plate.
"Who was your biggest celebrity crush when you
were a kid?" She looked at me with a mischeivious
grin on her face. She loved hearing stories about mewhen I was a teenager.
"Well, I would say the absolute biggest was on a
member of a group called the Backstreet Boys. His
name was Kevin Richardson." I smiled and leaned back
for a moment, remembering how much I had loved him. I
vowed to marry him one day. That lasted until I was
about 23 years old, and got engadged to be married...to someone besides Kevin.
"Backstreet Boys? Who are they? Do you have any
of their music, or any pictures?" she asked
excitedly. "Can we go look?" She began to stand up.
"Finish eating your dinner first, then I guess we
can go to the attic and look around a bit. You don't
have much homework, do you?" She said she didnt, and
enhaled her meal. I almost commented on how fast she
was eating, but I decided against it.
"Done!" she said, as she stood up from the table.
"Race you to the attic!" She bolted for the stairs.
I sighed (I don't have as much energy as a 14 year old
girl does), sat my napkin on the table, and followed
her. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, she
already had several boxes pulled out.
"These were labeled "CD'S", so it looked like a
good place to start." I smiled at her and sat down.
She pulled my old cd's out of the box, one by one.
"Britney Spears?" Who's that?" Alyson asked me.
"That Alyson, was my favorite singer for a huge
part of my life. In fact, I think I just put that one
particular cd away about four months before you were
born." I took it from her, and as I looked at it, all
of these memories from the time I got it to the day I
got the next Britney Spears cd came flooding back into
my head. I could'nt help but smile. As much as I
hated to admit it, that time of my life was pretty decent.
She searched through some more cd's until she
found the particular ones she had been looking for.
There were a whole bunch of Backstreet Boys cd's. I
guess they had come out with about 10 whole albums.
But of course I had more than that.
"Can we please go downstairs and listen to some
of them?" I gave her a look asking her why, and she
insisted with more "pleases", so I eventually gave in.
We went down into the living room, and she turned the cd player on. I settled on the couch, and was just
waiting to relive my childhood.
"I wanna listen to this one called "Millennium"
first. Which song was your favorite Mom?" I looked
at the back of the cd at the song listings. Several
of them I remembered. A few I did not.
"I don't really remember honey, that was a long
time ago." I counted in my head. "I was 15 when I
bought that cd, and Im 38 now. So that would be 23
years ago. Wow, Im getting old!"
"No your not Mom! You're still young!" She put in
the cd. "Im just going to pick one". So, at random
she did, and came and sat beside me on the couch.
"Show me the meaning of being lonley" sang a
group of beautifully blended voices from the speakers.
Instantly, memories from this song flooded into my
head. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Alyson instantly noticed this.
"Mom, what's wrong?" she asked me looking up from the cd.
"Nothing honey... it just reminds me of a lot of
stuff from when I was a little older than you. I
remember almost every single time I listened to this
song, I would be thinking about your dad." I put my arm around her, and smiled.
"I'm sorry Mom, do you want me to change the song?"
"No sweetie, it will be fine. I haven't listened
to this in forever." I grabbed a Kleenex from the
table and dabbed my eyes with it.
"Do you miss Dad?" she asked me with a somber tone in her voice.
"Of course I do. I loved your dad very much."
"Then why did you get a divorce?" I knew this
question would come up someday. I just wasnt ready for it today.
"Well, we just werent really compatible for each
other anymore. I don't know how we lasted as many years as we did."
"Tell me all about it. Like, how you met, and
all that other stuff. I have never really been told,
you don't like to talk about Dad much, but I want to
know." I realized she was right, it never dawned on
me that I never talked about her father at all. Not
even how we met, or our divorce. I put the cd player
on pause, and proceeded the story.
"Well, I met your father at the very beginning of
second semester my sophmore year in high school. So,
all through the rest of high school, I was in love
with him. And only him. And, we were just friends,
he never showed any intrest that way back, until
almost to the end of senior year." I looked at her to
make sure she was paying attention, and not playing
with her hair or something. If I was going to tell
her this story, I only wanted it to be once. "But, he
finally told me he had feelings for me too. So, as it
turns out, we got accepted to the same college, and
decided to go there. We dated all through college.
So, right after we graduated, and got jobs so we could
support ourselves, we got married."
Alyson stopped me there. "What was the wedding
like?" Boy, I really had never told her anything.
"We got married in October, since it's my
favorite month. It was beautiful, all our friends and
family were there, it was an outdoor wedding, it wasnt
too cold, the sky was perfect blue... it was
wonderful." I remembered the day like it was
yesterday. It really was breathtaking. "And then a
year later, we had you." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.
"You look exactly like your father when you smile
like that" I told her. I had a hint of sadness in my
voice, and I believe she sensed that.
"So, what about the divorce?" she asked me.
"Well, you were about 5 years old. We were not
getting along as well as we used to. We couldn't
really tolerate being together. And, I think he might
have fallen out of love with me". That is when I
looked down and my hands, and started blinking very fast so that I would'nt cry.
"Where is my Dad now?" I couldn't believe I had
failed to tell her all of these things. I guess the
reason was it hurt too much to tell her, or even think
about it, so I just didn't.
"He moved away from Florida, back to North
Carolina where we lived when we met so he could be
with his mother, and the rest of his family."
"Mom... do you still love him?" She asked this
question in a way such as if she would have said it
above a whisper, I would have taken her phone privilages away for a month.
I took a deep breath before I answered. "Yes.
I've been in love with him since I was 15 years old.
That's just not going to go away so eaisly." I stood
up as to tell her it was best to end the conversation
right now. But, she wouldnt let it go that easy.
"Well, what happened? Was it mutual, or did
someone leave someone, and why... what happened?" All
of her questions hadnt been answered yet, and they
might never be, but as her mother, I had to do my best to try.
"Well, one day, you were at school, and we had a
huge fight. We both said hurtful things to each
other, and I said I never wanted to see him again.
So, he left. And that was it." I sat on the couch again.
"Why were you fighting?"
"I honestly don't even rememember." I looked at
her, and she had a worried look on her face.
"Was it about me?"
"Alyson Harris, don't you even think that for a
second!" I told her as I hugged her close. "It was
not your fault, we were arguing about the same things
as usual. About annoying habits about the other we
hated, or how he spent more time cleaning his golf
clubs than with me, or just anything else we were
unhappy with at the time. It was enievitable that we
wouldn't stay together... does that answer about all
your questions?" I asked her hopefully.
"Just one more, I promise" she said.
"Alright, one more". I hoped it would be an easy
one I could handle in less than a minute.
"If he came back today, and wanted you back,would you accept him back?"
"I have no idea." I told her. And I really didn't.
