Waiting For An Angel
By: Holly (a member of the TF team)
DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S
NOTE FOR "WAITING FOR AN ANGEL"
Okay, I think just in case, this
story might deserve a little bit of a note and disclaimer on this story
even though I hate using them. This story has pieces of stories in
them that are not written by me. I actually got the inspiration from
the story that is excerpted at the very beginning. Two days ago,
on July 24 to be exact, I was at Torie Bosch's site "Backstreet Fiction"
and I was going through the hosted short stories reading any that had to
do with death. The one below was the one that gave me the most shivers
and chills. A lot of the other ones were also like it in more than
one way but this one held the most details. If anyone is wondering,
the story is called "End of the Road" and is hosted by Torie on her site.
My story below also contains dialogue and thoughts based on the stories
"They're Coming To Take Me Away" and "That Was Then, This Is Now," by Torie,
as well comments on her index of the site. The parts of where the
characters are discussing the boys' jobs, the jobs are from Torie's story
"That Was Then, This Is Now" and in my story, those are not the professions
the Backstreet Boys do. They are still the Backstreet Boys.
Before I started to write
this story, I wrote to both Torie and Nataline, the author of "End of the
Road", asking if I could mention the stories and site. I have now
recieved permission for Torie to use her site and her stories. She
herself has actually read the story and liked it really well...she also
said, in her words, "I really, really loved Waiting For an Angel. I think
it's beautiful. Congratulations, girl." That makes me kinda proud...I
admire Torie's writing in more than one way...so that was great to hear.
For my disclaimer, the site
"Backstreet Fiction" is a real site. The authors Torie Bosch and
Nataline are real people and really wrote the stories. Most of the
following story is based on their ideas but written by me. All of
Dakota, Nick, and A.J.'s thoughts about the stories are what I wrote them
to be. The conclusive thoughts about most fan fiction from the characters
are also what I made them out to be.
I do not know if the Backstreet
Boys have ever been to "Backstreet Fiction" and I don't know if A.J. or
Nick ever read any of the stories on the site. All of the events
in this story are fictional and I wrote them. Dakota is a totally
fictional character and her ideas and comments on fan fiction and the stories
on "Backstreet Fiction" are actually what I think and believe. I
don't know how Nick Carter, A.J., McLean, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell,
or Kevin Richardson would react to a story like this or any other fan fiction
story written by an author such as myself or Torie.
This story's original title
was "The Glass Was Half Full" but then I changed it to "Where Fantasy Ends
and Reality Begins." In the end, I decided against both of them and
went for the current title which isn't so original, but most describes
the story. You may see both titles featured on TF in the future.
And last but not least, I
think Dakota is a very cool name and I would appreciate it if you didn't
inform me you don't care for it. I don't care for a lot of the names
writers today use but I don't tell them. It's just a courtesy to
the writer. I would love to recieve feedback on this story though
so if you could please just e-mail me with your comments, it would mean
a lot. This story itself means a lot to me and I hope you guys like
it.
~Hollz~
WAITING FOR AN *ANGEL*
"Well, A.J., I hope
you're enjoying yourself on the other side," I said, smiling.
I pulled a few grass
blades and threw them up in the air. The winds immediately carried them
off.
"You know, who would
have thought I would have a loving and caring boyfriend like you. I just
hope that one day we could be together again...forever."
I brushed my hand over
the marble tombstone. I could feel my eyes watering up. A.J.'s engagement
ring sparkled in the daytime sun.
"I think I should go
now A.J. I have to meet the guys in half an hour. They have a concert
tonight at Sea World. I promised I'd give a mini-speech about you and how
great of a man you were to me and everyone else. Goodbye A.J."
I kissed the ground
and got up. Just as I was getting ready to leave, I heard a low,
faint voice call out my name. I turned around and gasped. A.J.
stood before me, looking as handsome as ever.
"A-A-A.J.?" I stumbled
on my own words.
"Hi there baby. I've
missed you."
"This must be a dream
or something. You're dead."
I was in a state of
shock. I was talking to my dead boyfriend, or should I say fiancé?
"Yes silly, I am dead.
But I came to say goodbye to you one last time."
"Oh A.J.," the tears
started to leave my eyes, "Why...why did you...?"
"It's called destiny,
my love. This was the path God gave me to follow, the path of life,"
he stared at me and his face saddened.
"I guess it was true
when you said you'd die looking and acting your younger self," I said,
laughing a little.
A.J.'s face lit up
and a smile formed on his lips.
"That's my girl, remembering
the happier times but..." he grew serious again, "You got to move on with
your life. Forget the past and focus on the future."
"It's not easy though.
All the memories we've shared together...gone."
"Shhh..."A.J. walked
over and wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumb. I noted the
icy cold feeling of his touch, the sign of death. Then he got on his knees.
"Melody Cathlin Kutcher,
will you marry me when we see each other again for good?"
"Of course A.J.!" I
cried out, hugging him tightly.
A.J. kissed my forehead
and sang softly in my ear the a cappella to the Boyz II Men song, "End
of the Road."
The Farther We Go
Till The End Of The Road
Still I Can't Let Go
It's All Natural, You Belong To Me
I Belong To You
Come, To The End Of The Road
Still I Can't Let Go
It's All Natural, You Belong To Me
I Belong To You Love
A.J. paused then whispered,
"My time is up. Goodbye, Mel."
"And goodbye to you,
Alex," I said as he disappeared right before my eyes.
I stood there, hugging
the air when Nick came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
"Hey Mel, are you ready?
Howie's waiting for us in the car," he acted as if though he didn't see
anything strange.
"Yes, let's go."
Nick took my hand and
we walked together, hand and hand, down the hill. After getting into the
car, I looked out the window one last time. A.J. stood at the top
of the hill, waving and blowing me a kiss. I waved back, then blew
him a kiss goodbye as we took off.
"The many joys of fan fiction,"
A.J. said as he leaned back in the desk chair.
"Hun, if it's called
fan fiction and the fans write it, then why do you guys always end up dying?"
Dakota asked quizzically from her position on his lap although she already
knew the answer. The two of them had been reading fan fiction for
months.
"I think it has something
to do with the fact they think we'd do anything for love," he explained.
"But wouldn't you?"
Dakota put on a pouty face.
"Oh, I don't know,
getting shot in the heart seems like a bit much," A.J. said.
"Alexander James McLean!"
Kota started playfully pounding on his chest.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"It's not like you'd do it either."
"Yeah, but you weren't
the girl getting raped by a guy with a gun!" she argued.
"No, you're right there,"
he said thoughtfully.
"But the girl is right,
you have got to stop sleeping with those sunglasses on," Dakota teased.
"The girl's name is
Nataline, and I do take them off before I actually close my eyes," he shot
back.
"Tattooed prune man!"
she shouted.
"I think you should
get off me and run, girl," A.J. warned.
"But I don't want to.
I want to read some other stories. I was waiting for you to leave
so I can laugh at the picture again," she said.
"How am I supposed
to leave when you're sitting on me?" he asked.
"You are supposed to
ever so carefully pick me up, stand up, put me back down, and use your
legs to walk out of the room," she explained, rolling her eyes.
"How about this way?"
A.J. asked as he stood up suddenly causing his girlfriend to fall onto
the carpeted floor.
"I was going for the
non-painful way," she glared up at him.
"I've got to phone
Howie anyway, I'll check up on you later," he laughed and walked out of
the room.
"Don't forget to make
supper!" she called after him.
"It's left-over spaghetti
night!" he shouted back.
"Meanie!" Kota teased
but A.J. didn't reply.
She turned back to
the screen and scrolled up to the top of the page.
"End of the Road,"
she noted the title and smiled a little. It had been a really sad
story about A.J. dying tragically on the night he had planned to ask his
girlfriend to marry him. Dakota never really cared for stories where
death was involved because they always made her cry but when A.J. was around,
she read them with him. That day the young couple had chosen a site
called "Backstreet Fiction" owned by a fifteen year old named Torie Bosch.
Both of them had burst out laughing when they saw the title page.
It was a picture of the guys at a photo shoot that was a few years old
and they were all looking incredibly shocked. The heading message
read something like:
"Also, see the picture
above? That's probably the looks the guys would have on their faces if
they saw this page - the product of a psychotic fan, right? Not quite.
-- This page is completely unofficial. I would probably die of embaressment
if they actually saw it!"
Dakota laughed again
as the picture came up on the screen. She had returned to the index
and clicked on the link that read, "My Stories."
A list of stories written
by Torie, the owner of the site, showed up on the screen. Dakota
scrolled down a bit and found a story called "They're Coming to Take me
Away." It definitely looked interesting so she hit the link.
"No!!! Not the
anal probe!!!" the first sentence of the story read.
Dakota started laughing
so hard that she was amazed A.J. didn't come running up the stairs to check
out what was so funny. After the first line, it started to get just
a little bit spookier until Torie threw in a bit about Howie's voice being
compared to Chris Kirkpatrick's of *NSYNC. Then things started getting
scarier again until part one was over and Dakota almost needed more.
She was disappointed when it ended at part one.
Deciding she needed
to read a little bit more of Torie's stories, she headed back to her story
index and found a story called "That Was Then, This is Now," and said that
she couldn't say anything about it without giving it away. She had
seen links to the story on other pages though so she decided it must be
good.
Dakota was so into
reading the so-far 12 chapter story, that she didn't even notice when A.J.
appeared in the doorway. He left again after he found her eyes
were perma-glued to the screen. The story was about the break-up
of the guys and it seemed like some of them were better off than others.
Like Howie went and got married but Nick became a drunk until he met a
girl named Holly at the psychiatrist's office. She just couldn't
help but laugh at her boyfriend in chapter 12 though. This time A.J.
heard her because he was just down the hall doing laundry.
"What's so funny, Kota?"
he asked as he walked into the little office room.
"You're yelling at
the furniture!" she exclaimed through her laughter.
A.J. read the screen
and a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, "So I am."
"But that is so you!"
she laughed.
"So? You're the
girl that kicks the fridge cuz we're out of milk!" he shot back.
Dakota stopped laughing
after a few seconds and quickly finished the chapter.
"Did you know that
Kevin released a solo album?" she asked A.J. who was still standing behind
her as she logged off of the Internet.
"No, what's on it?"
he asked.
"Apparently stuff he
wrote, but it's got like more appeal to older women and guys," she said.
"You know, it's more mature than we've got it going on for years."
"Jam on cuz Backstreet's
got it, jam on now everybody, we've got it goin' on for years," A.J. sang
and started doing the dance steps.
"Okay, okay, I get
the drift," she surrendered.
"Do you think Kevin
would release a solo album if we ever broke up?" A.J. asked as Dakota stood
up from her chair.
"I don't know, but
you're an actor," she informed.
"Dat's right," A.J.
nodded and grinned.
"And you star in this
movie called ‘7-11 Summer' as Seth Green's best friend and you hang out
at the store a lot trying to bum free stuff," she smiled up at him with
her crystal blue eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"How do you bum free
stuff?" he asked her teasingly.
"You know what I mean,"
she rolled her eyes.
"Shall we dance?" A.J.
asked.
"We shall," Dakota
smiled and A.J. placed his hands on her hips.
The two nodded their
heads in slight bows and waltzed out of the office and down the hall.
"Nicko! My main man!"
Dakota slapped him a high-five as they met up on the sandy beach.
"What about me?" A.J.
asked.
"And me!" Brian piped
up.
"You can't forget Howie!"
Howie appeared behind everyone.
"And I'm Kev," Kevin
said in a deep throaty voice. "No diggity."
Everyone burst out
in laughter at Kevin's imitation of himself in the All I Have to Give Conversation
Mix. Then Howie pulled out a big beach blanket and he and A.J. spread
it out over the sand.
"You know what?" Dakota
asked when everyone was sitting on the blanket, or the sand in Nick's case.
"What?" all the guys
chorused.
"Me and A.J. read a
story yesterday and he died," she said in a secretive voice.
"Oh, fan fiction?"
Brian asked.
"Yeah," she nodded.
"Real good fan fiction too."
"You know what I've
noticed about those kind of stories?" A.J. asked.
"What have you noticed?"
Dakota turned to him.
"One half of the Backstreet
Boy slash girl relationship always dies just before or just after they
get engaged in fan fictions," he said, seeming to think about that.
"Or those are just
the ones you and Kota choose to read," Nick pointed out.
"Actually, I read a
story about how you guys broke up too," Dakota said.
"What did I do?" Kevin
inquired.
"Well, you became a
solo artist and I don't think you got a girlfriend or I may be wrong.
I'm not sure," she said. "But you released more like an adult contemporary
album with a lot of sappy songs and what not."
"Thanks a lot," Kevin
said teasingly.
"Hey, Back to your
Heart is very good, but still, you guys do sing a lot of sappy songs,"
she pointed out.
"What did I do?" Howie
asked, changing the subject.
"You married a chick
named Melissa that you had been dating for two and a half years and then
you decided to record a solo album," she informed him.
"What about me?" Brian
asked.
"Um, I'm really not
sure but you ran into this girl name Kelsi and in chapter 12 you brought
her to Kentucky and I do believe since you kiss her, that she's your girlfriend,"
Kota said thoughtfully. "And A.J. became an actor."
Nick seemed to grow
a little silent and gazed out to the ocean water.
"Hey, Frack, you all
right?" Brian asked, waving his hand back and forth in front of Nick's
face.
"Oh yeah, fine," Nick
seemed to snap out of it.
"And Nicko, you were
this drunk who wouldn't even talk to his own mother until she finally forced
you into counselling where you met this chick at the psychiatrist's named
Holly who had an eating disorder or something but then you're this lyricist
for a chick named Jessie or something and..." she would have continued
but Nick cut her off.
"I know, I read it
already," he said.
"Oh, so that's why
you were so quiet," she smiled slyly. "You didn't want the guys to
know that you ended up being the drunk, huh?"
"I couldn't care less.
But fan fiction does scare me sometimes," he sighed.
"Why's that?" Dakota
asked.
"Well, just think about
how many different lives we live," he said very seriously. "I mean,
we have so many futures written down all over the Internet. We have
tons of different girlfriends and best friends. You never really
think about it until you're portrayed as some sort of negative bum or the
father of three kids in millions of stories. Have you guys ever thought
that maybe one of these stories written by one of these girls whether they
have excellent writing skills or not, might just be predicting our future
as it's happening? You know, on some site we haven't found yet people
could be reading or writing about what we're doing or saying right now..."
Everyone remained silent
as Nick's words sifted through their mind. Maybe they were paranoid
thoughts but they somehow did hold the tiniest bit of truth in them.
At least the part about the writing what they were saying was somewhat
true. A lot of the things the guys said on TV or in interviews was
repeated in a lot of fan fiction.
"Well, that is probably
taking it a little too far saying just some random person is writing our
lives as they happen. I mean, what would happen if they stopped writing
for a few days? It's not like our lives ever go on pause," Kevin
said.
"Yeah, I know, but
it's kind of fun to think about it," Nick sighed and looked up at the sky.
"The best kind of fan
fics I think are the ones where it's a totally original plot," Howie said.
"Like the girl band opening for us on tour stories are kind of old, don't
you guys think?"
"Yeah, they're still
cool but it's the best when you hit a link and you're transported to a
fantasy land where we're kidnapped in the middle of the night by humans
that can fly from another planet," Brian said making a zooming noise with
his mouth and a hand action to match.
"And where did you
read that?" Dakota asked, seeming very interested.
"Hehe, oh, I don't
know," Brian shrugged shyly. "Might have been a dream or something..."
"Sure, Frick, I think
the aliens got to you last night and one of them took you to her room in
the spaceship," Nick teased.
"I've got a girlfriend,
man!" he said in his defence.
"So? She's in
Europe, live a little!" A.J. laughed.
Suddenly the sun disappeared
behind a cloud and a few drops of rain splattered down on the Florida beach.
"So much for our day
in the sun," Howie commented.
Nick just shrugged.
He had seen the clouds coming; that's why he was looking at the sky.
Everyone got up off
the beach blanket and Howie gathered it up. They all started to leave
but A.J. grabbed Dakota's hand and pulled her back behind the confectionary
stand.
"Wanna go swimming?"
he asked her.
"But it's raining,"
she pointed out.
"So, if you're in the
water you're gonna get wet anyway," he said.
"Well..." she said,
pretending to think hard. "Race you to the water!"
She took off running
through the sand to the water, stripping down to the bikini she was wearing
on the way. She was just about to shallow dive into the ocean when
A.J. came tearing past her and dove in a few feet away.
"A.J., that wasn't
fair!" Dakota whined loudly.
He came up a long way
back in the water, almost out to the buoys that were out. He motioned
for her to swim out where he was. She swam to where she could no
longer touch and stopped.
"A.J., you better come
back in!" she shouted. "It's looks like it could be a lightening
storm!"
He didn't hear her
and dove under the water. Dakota expected him to come up under her
feet or right by the buoys but he never did. She turned around hoping
to see him there, grinning proudly but she spun around and around treading
water and never saw his dyed orange head of hair pop back up out of the
water.
"A.J.!" she shouted
as the rain started to beat down harder. "Alexander J. McLean!
Where are you!?"
Dakota tried to swim
out further in the Atlantic ocean but the rain and wind only blew against
her, pushing her back.
"A.J.!" she cried,
tears pouring down her face from the fear in her heart, the salt in her
eyes, and the wind whipping waves over her head. "A.J., please stop
joking around and show me where you are!"
Only the sound of the
waves in the ocean and the wind howling in her ears answered Dakota's cries.
She continued trying to swim out where she had last seen him, calling his
name and screaming but nothing happened and he never resurfaced.
Eventually Dakota grew too weak to fight the waves and was shoved back
further and further toward shore.
"No, God, please!
You can't take him away from me!" Dakota cried as the waves shoved her
up on the sand and continued to move her. "My life isn't a story!
I am living in the real world! You can't just take him away from
the world like this!"
Still nothing and no
one answered Dakota's cries and calls. For the first time in years,
she felt loneliness tugging at her heart and soul. A.J. McLean, her
love, was gone, taken away by the sea; the very same sea that she loved
so much.
The violent dark blue
ocean had taken away the deepest loving brown eyes Dakota had ever encountered
in her lifetime and she could do nothing about it.
Dakota didn't know
how long she sat on the wet beach with the sand digging into her legs.
All she could do was look out at the ravaging blue ocean that had taken
away her dearest love. She thought deeply about Nick's words.
Could someone actually be writing her life as it happened? It didn't
make any sense. How could A.J., her A.J., be there one minute and
gone the next? It was like a story plot she had never read yet it
was so real at the same time.
Death by drowning.
She had never heard of it in any fan fiction story involving her five precious
guys; the Backstreet Boys. No fan ever drowned the Backstreet Boys.
Sure, they would shoot them, stab them, have them die in plane crashes,
have them fall off buildings, car crashes, struck by lightning, killed
by moving train, but no one, no one ever killed them with the ocean.
Described as peaceful and calm by so many; the sea was a silent killer,
a killer of many.
Dakota almost expected
A.J. the angel to walk up behind her and tap her on the shoulder, maybe
whisper her name. And she would turn around and he would be there
to say goodbye with a loving hug and kiss. But that was the other
side of it. The whole event seemed like a story on a website, but
in fan fiction stories, the guy always came back to say goodbye.
He always reappeared in a dream or while his girlfriend or new fiancée
was visiting his grave. This time it was different. This time
it was reality.
"Excuse me, Miss, are
you okay?" Dakota heard a gruff voice behind her. It wasn't A.J.
She knew what he sounded like.
Dakota turned her head
and saw a short, skinny old man holding a fishing pole and tackle box.
"The ocean stole my
A.J.," she said blankly as she stared back out at the never ending blue
horizon.
"Your what?" the man
asked.
"My husband," she said
after a few moments of silence. "My husband."
"Ellroy, we've got a girl
sitting on the bench with old Jackson," Officer Wilson said to his partner
and pointed to a young girl sitting on a bench against the wall in the
police station. "She won't talk to anyone but Jackson says he found
her sitting on the shore of the beach staring off into space."
"All right, I'll talk
to her," Ellroy replied and put down his pen.
He stood up from his
desk and walked over to the girl who was sitting as still as a statue with
Jackson's old tattered fishing coat hung loosely on her shoulders.
"Oh, hey, Ellroy,"
Jackson said when he noticed the officer. "I picked up this here
lady on the public beach. The only thing she said was that the ocean
stole her husband and she hasn't talked since."
"Honey, can you tell
me your name?" Ellroy knelt down and tried to make eye contact with her.
"I'm telling you she
don't talk!" Jackson exclaimed.
"You can go now, Jackson,"
Ellroy shot him a warning glance.
The old fisherman grunted,
stood up, grabbed his jacket right off the girl's shoulders, and walked
out of the station. The young girl was then left sitting there in
the middle of a busy police station in nothing but a light blue bikini.
"Wilson, throw me your
jacket, will ya?" Ellroy called over his shoulder.
"Come on, Sweetie,
we can't help you if we don't know who you are," he turned back to her.
"He's gone..." she
whispered faintly. "The ocean took him away from me."
"Who, Honey, who?"
Ellroy asked quickly whipping out his ticket pad a pencil to write down
what she was saying.
"My A.J.," she said
still staring straight ahead. "The ocean took my A.J."
"Hun, can you tell
me your name?" Ellroy asked her quickly.
"Dakota," she whispered,
barely audible. "Dakota McLean."
"Okay! Let's
run a search on all Dakota McLean's and see if we can come up with some
family for this girl!" Ellroy commanded as he stood up his full height.
"And we might need some clothes too!"
Two hours later Kevin and
Brian pulled up to the very same police station Dakota was at.
After running a search
on all Dakota McLean's in Orlando, they only pulled up four Dakota's and
none were McLean. And three of the four Dakota's were last names
so they had found their match. Dakota Trenton born and raised in
the city of Orlando, Florida. It just so happened that her number
was unlisted in the city phone book but was on file which also reported
she lived with Alexander McLean of the Backstreet Boys. Tracking
down no family whatsoever on Dakota, the officers went to the next best
thing: the Backstreet Boys.
"Dakota? Oh my
god, what happened?" Brian rushed to her when he saw her sitting on the
bench in the station with a police jacket hung from her shoulders.
"Oh Brian!" she cried
and buried herself in his shoulder.
"What do you mean she
told you her name was Dakota McLean?" Kevin asked Officer Ellroy Mackenzie.
"She knows exactly who she is."
"Well, we asked her
for her name and that's what she gave us," Ellroy replied.
"Look, Mackenzie—"
Kevin started.
"It's Ellroy," he corrected.
"Whatever," Kevin said.
"Just what exactly did she say to you?"
"That the ocean took
away her A.J. away and her name was Dakota McLean," he explained.
"Her A.J.?" Kevin asked
with a puzzled look. "The ocean took him away?"
Then it kicked his
right in the gut that A.J. wasn't at the station. Only his girlfriend.
"Oh my god," his eyes
grew wide as he realized what happened. "He drowned."
Kevin walked over to
the bench where Dakota and Brian were crying together. But he couldn't
cry. Not yet anyway. All of a sudden a fantasy he had never
even dreamed about was coming true. He was now beginning to realize
how true some things really were.
Four days later Dakota
sat on the window seat in the bedroom she and A.J. used to share.
She had hardly moved from that spot since Brian and Kevin had brought her
home from the police station. The rain ran down the window after
it hit and Dakota would watch every drop and be able to believe it was
actually a tear that came from her heart and everyone else's. A.J.'s
body still hadn't been recovered. It was declared that he had drowned
after the undertow dragged him under though. His body was probably
somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic ocean now just floating along on
the currents.
Dakota closed her eyes
and squeezed them tight. All she could remember was that last race
from the water. Nothing else would stick in her mind. Maybe
if she hadn't challenged to race him, maybe he would still be there.
Maybe if they had used Brian's suggestion and gone to the movie, he would
still be there. But he wasn't. Oddly enough, Dakota slept very
easily. She had no dreams whatsoever and was never awoken once during
the nights. It was as though A.J. was already being erased from her
mind.
And not once in the
four days Dakota prayed for her beloved did he return to say goodbye.
Her life wasn't like all the fan fiction stories where the deceased always
came back to say goodbye. This time it was real. This time
the girlfriend didn't get one last chance to say goodbye and the boyfriend
didn't come back as an angel. Dakota seriously wished and waited
for A.J.'s return but it never came.
Brian, Kevin, Howie,
and Nick all dropped by every once and a while to try and convince Dakota
out of the room and away from the window but she never allowed them to
stay longer then ten to fifteen minutes. Sometimes they brought their
girlfriends and tried to sympathize with poor Dakota but she deep down
despised all four women that Howie, Brian, Kevin, and Nick had chosen to
be with. She had always liked it better when it was just her and
her five precious guys, one more special than the other four but only in
a few ways.
On the fifth day news
came that a body that fit A.J.'s general description had been pulled up
with a fisherman's nets. It was requested that Dakota go down to
the morgue and ID the body but she knew she would never make it so she
sent Nick and Brian. The orange hair was a dead give away.
A.J. was gone and now the proof was there. Dakota was officially
alone once again.
The sixth and seventh
days after that day at the beach were spent preparing the funeral.
It was to be a closed casket event just because of how A.J.'s body had
decayed after being underwater for almost a week. Nick and Brian
had thrown up after recognizing A.J.'s orange hair and jewellery.
One thing Dakota did
accept as the perfect ending to a fan fiction story was the girlfriend
speaking at the funeral. And this time she knew exactly what to say.
While Nick was always the one who "said" he wasn't good with words in the
group, Dakota normally took that position from him. Silence was a
very common response from her even before A.J.'s death.
"Are you ready, Kota?"
Howie asked her when she answered her front door on the day of the funeral.
"Yeah, I am," she smiled
weakly though her eyes remained dull.
Howie walked her out
to his truck where his girlfriend, Kevin, and his girl, were all jammed
in the backseat and Howie and Dakota sat up front.
Arriving at the church
and having to walk down the centre aisle with everyone watching her was
probably one of the hardest things for Dakota. There were to be four
speakers besides the minister. She was one of them. Kevin,
Howie, and A.J.'s mother, Denise, were the remaining three. Dakota
was last.
"...And that is who
my best friend is and always will be," Howie concluded before stepping
down.
Dakota was next.
Brian squeezed her hand encouragingly and she walked up to the podium with
no cue cards or outline whatsoever. She had known what she was going
to say the moment she had realized what had happened to him.
"A.J. and I loved fan
fiction," Dakota began. "We could sit for hours on end just surfing
the Internet looking for stories about the Backstreet Boys. I don't
know why, but we both hold a certain passion for it. Not writing
it, but reading it. Backstreet Boys fans everywhere, young and old,
write imaginary stories involving their favourite singing talents.
The ones that A.J. seemed the most touched by were the ones where he'd
die. He'd pretend he didn't care but he always seemed to read them
and not really say much but groan about how he didn't like dying.
He was always killed saving someone, or from cancer, but any way he died,
he was always made a hero.
So, what does fan fiction
have that some weird science fiction movie on TV have? Well, the
guys of course. Normally they're all portrayed as Nick being the
Nintendo freak, Howie being the cook who always looks in the mirror, Brian
as the guy who is always either writing songs or playing basketball, Kevin
as the serious father of the group who never wants them to have fun, and
of course A.J. He is almost always the ladies man in every story
with the kissing the hand and the removing the sunglasses to check the
girl out but in a way, that is who he is.
I personally never
compared my life to the work of a fan fiction. Hence the two words.
First word, fan. Well, the boys have millions of those. Where
on the other hand if you add the letters T, A, S, and Y to fan, you get
fantasy. Second word, fiction, an invention of the imagination.
Why I never really considered myself a character in any of these stories
written by fans for fans to read, I guess is because I never thought what
happened to the characters could happen to me. In most short stories,
the Backstreet Boy it's based on or the girlfriend always die just before
or right after the two are engaged. Then the survivor on the relationship
usually pays a visit to the grave site where upon the first visit, their
significant other, as A.J. hated to put it, would arrive as an angel to
bid one last goodbye.
I haven't met my angel
and I've quit waiting. Of course, A.J. isn't exactly six feet under
yet, but for four days after he left I sat waiting for him. For once
I wished that my life was like those stories and that my angel would come
say goodbye for real. I figured that if the events were going to
happen, I may as well have my angel visit me too. He hasn't and he
probably never will. But I think I know why now.
A.J. never liked to
say goodbye. He would talk on and on forever to anyone about anything.
Some say this isn't true but I lived with him and you should just ask his
mother. So while chatting away long distance to A.J., you would probably
get dragged down by his stalling and end up on the phone for hours.
And even when the time came one of us had to go, he never said bye.
Just 'see you soon' or 'I'll be home tomorrow.' Even if my angel
didn't say goodbye, I only wish he would come say 'see you soon' once more.
I don't know about
the rest of you, but I think A.J. knew he was going to leave more sooner
than later. He lived every moment to the fullest even if he was doing
laundry or washing dishes. Together we had a perfect life compared
to some but he knew it had to end someday. He did learn something
very important from the stories we read together: If you're gonna ask her
to marry you, try and be sure you'll at least be alive when the wedding
comes. So many stories always end up the same way. The couple
is always engaged or to be engaged and then one member dies as I mentioned
earlier. I don't live a fantasy life but sometimes I wonder where
the fantasy ends and reality begins. It all seems so tied together
so I suppose in a way, I can't really prove I don't live in a made-up life.
In the flim of life, someone has to write the script and I'm sure God doesn't
have all the time in the world to do it himself. Maybe that's what
writers, authors, poets, and lyricists are for. They not only lead
our minds our wild goose chases but also create the world.
Behind every TV show,
movie, play, or song, there are written words. The power of the pen
holds so much that we never realize what an impact it has on our lives.
A.J. had realized it long before I ever met him.
And so, without my
A.J., my one true love, I stand here alone. On the other hand, I
wouldn't be standing here if he were here. I understand that for
the past five minutes I have rambled on about nothing but fan fiction and
how my life and A.J.'s are related to it, but that is the one thing I remember
most about us. The fans may be able to make it right for the Backstreet
Boys when they're down but a simple story was enough to bring a smile to
A.J. McLean's face. And when a written word can do that much to a
person, that's all that counts and that's all any writer really wants to
do."
Dakota began crying
up at the altar of the church right then and there. She thanked the
gathered mourners at the church for their time and Kevin arose from his
seat to help Dakota back to the front pew. There were people of both
genders crying unshamefully. They knew it was okay to cry and when
Dakota herself had finally let her tears go, they felt more at peace with
themselves than ever before.
The minister once again
stood up at the podium and began to talk about how many people in the world
followed the written words of the bible. In a way his words had a
lot to do with A.J. but in a sense they didn't. A.J. didn't follow
anything. He made up his rules as he went along.
Not long after, the
service ended and the pallbearers walked up to the front of the church.
Among them were the four remaining Backstreet Boys, A.J.'s father, Robert,
writers and producers for the boys, Max Martin and Kristian Lundin, and
also A.J.'s grandfather.
The church full of
mourning family, friends, and business acquaintances trailed after the
pallbearers and the coffin as it was transported to the back of a black
transport van. Most of the mourners jumped in their vehicles and
followed behind the van to the cemetery where A.J.'s body would finally
be laid to rest. Dakota was one of them riding in the passenger seat
of Howie's truck.
Dakota choked down
tears as she stood in between Nick and Howie watching the final prayers
being said. Both men wanted to put a comforting arm around her and
just hold her in their arms but their girlfriends were on the other side
of them and wouldn't be incredibly impressed if they did. So there
they stood, all nine of them, in a row beside the minister. The lightest
colour worn by anyone had been a pretty light blue but when Dakota saw
the sweater draped around a woman's shoulders, she felt like crying even
more. It had been the same colour of A.J.'s favourite contact lenses.
So few days ago she could remember nothing about him but suddenly everything
reminded her of something.
When the minister finally
declared the ceremony's officially over, Dakota could do nothing but stare
at the closed coffin lid. It was locked tightly, never to be opened
again but Dakota felt as though a piece of the inhabitant's heart was still
with her. But it almost felt as though a piece of her heart was being
buried with the shiny wooden box.
She was still standing
on the damp green grass staring at the closed coffin when she felt a hand
on her shoulder. She turned and saw Brian standing there.
"Are you gonna make
it, Kota?" he asked quietly.
She glanced towards
the coffin and nodded slowly.
"Yeah, I think I will,"
she nodded. "I have so much of him inside me now that if I work it
the right way it should be like he was never gone."
"Keep thinking positive,"
he smiled a little.
Dakota nodded.
She and Brian just stood and thought about different things for about ten
minutes until a crew of three men who worked in the yard showed up and
said that they would have to leave until the coffin was buried and the
sod laid down on top.
They both said their
final goodbyes and wandered off to the front gates of the cemetery.
"I'll call give you
a ride home, okay Kota?" Brian asked as he placed his hand on her
shoulder.
"Yeah, okay," she nodded
and the two walked over to his vehicle and got in.
Dakota knew that she
would return the next day and made sure to tell her dear A.J. that before
they pulled away from the curb. He had involuntarily left her and
she didn't want to make the same mistake.
Early the next morning
Dakota awoke to bright sun shining in her eyes. She sat up and stretched,
still a little drained from the day before.
"Morning, A.J.," she
looked up at the ceiling and said in the brightest voice she could prosper.
She got out of bed
and tried to act as though everything was normal. She showered and
then got dressed, trying to smile the whole time though her heart was weighing
deeply in her chest. The fact that A.J. wasn't there hit her hard
when she wandered downstairs hoping to find her boyfriend hanging out in
the kitchen making a bunch of noise like he was making something huge when
it was really poached eggs. Instead all she found was a note magnetized
to the fridge. It had been there since A.J. had lost gone on tour.
It was a check list of things to do when he was gone written in his squiggly
handwriting.
"Miss me," was what
the first item read.
Dakota giggled a little,
"Check."
"Think about me."
"Always."
"Love me."
"Definite check."
"Trust me."
"Of course."
"Never forget me."
Dakota saddened and
read the last item over again.
"Forever, A.J.," she
whispered to no one but herself and the room. "I could never forget
you."
About forty-five minutes
later, Dakota pulled up at the cemetery where A.J. had been laid to rest
only so few hours before. She had driven in her little white beatle
that A.J. had gotten her for her birthday just a few months ago.
She walked calmly through the well cared for grass and found the unique
head stone immediately.
Alexander James
McLean
Born January 9, 1978
Died July 16, 2000
Don't party
too hard wherever you are
We want you sober
when we get there
Rest in peace
A.J.
At least for a
little while
A.J. just had to be the only guy in that cemetery with a multi-coloured
marble head stone in almost florescent colours. Even though he was
gone he still choose to stick out.
"Well, A.J., I guess
this is usually where the angel appears, huh?" Dakota asked as she fingered
the engraved black letters in the stone. "I don't expect you to come.
In real life things like angels coming back to say goodbye just don't happen
unless no one chooses to tell their story. I mean, fan fiction is
only fan fiction, right? None of it's real. I think I would
have a heart attack if you showed up after all this time anyway.
Then we'd both be in the same place but the poor guys wouldn't have me
around if I left too. And I promised Brian that I'd somehow manage
to use what I have of you inside me to make it seem like you never left."
She paused and looked
up at the sky. It was a lovely light blue. Exactly like A.J.'s
contacts.
"Not that we want to
forget you or anything, we just want you to know that we're going to move
on. I can't promise I will ever love another man though. We
hadn't even considered marriage together but I was convinced I'd be with
you the rest of my life. I wonder if that's something you even would
have wanted to know when you were still here. Then you'd probably
be feeling guilty or something."
Dakota sighed and this
time looked down at the grass she kneeling on. The moisture in the
ground was soaking through the knees of her jeans and continued talking
to her beloved A.J.
"Well, you might already
know this but you might not," she started yet again. "But I've decided
that I might take a shot at writing. Truth is, I think I've learned
so much about it just by thinking in the past week and a half. I
mean, yesterday, at your ceremony, I went up there and just shot at her.
That was not a rehearsed speech but I went up there and I talked for a
full five to six minutes. I felt so smart, like I actually knew what
I was talking about. I mean, this writing thing might be something
I can do and enjoy. We all know how much I love job-hunting for jobs
I hate to do and can't do anyway. But you see, I never wanted to
have you paying all the bills. My dream was to someday get a job
I could handle and at least pay a small portion of what we spend in a month.
You spoiled me so much. But now you're gone so I'm going to have
to fend for myself now. Can you really see me cooking in the kitchen?
I might have to get a maid. Also because I'm never going to be able
to work that stupid washing machine. Really, I don't know how you
tamed it after that bubble attack one time..."
Dakota talked on and
on about her plans for the future and her memories of the past for about
half an hour when she just stopped and listened. She wasn't expecting
an angel, just maybe a pick up in the wind or a bird flying by but nothing
changed.
"Oh, A.J.," Dakota
sighed. "I still think I envy Melody in that story we read last week.
Sure a lot of bad things happened but her angel was still there at the
end. Her angel came to say goodbye. I'm so jealous of those
characters."
"You're not still waiting
for him, are you?" a voice from behind asked.
Dakota turned and once
again found Brian standing behind her. He seemed to show up wherever
she went.
"Oh, hey, no, I'm just
talking to him now, telling him about the angels in the stories.
Who knows? Maybe he's actually hearing me. I don't just expect
him to appear out of nowhere. Some angels come back to people in
their dreams," she pointed out.
"Can I chat to him?"
Brian asked.
"Sure, have a seat,"
Dakota patted the grass beside her.
"I'll bet you party
hard in heaven's high and mighty, huh, A.J.?" Brian asked, looking up at
the sky. "But like the rock ways, be sober when the rest of us get
there which is hopefully a very long time from now."
Dakota smiled.
At first she had thought she going nuts when she started talking to A.J.
but it seemed that more people than herself did it. She and Brian
stayed for a little while and then decided it was time again to leave.
Dakota kissed the marble stone, bid goodbye to her love, and got up to
join Brian who was already waiting a few metres away.
As Dakota jumped into
her little beatle, she looked back at the cemetery just as Mel had in End
of the Road. But there she saw no one. Just the bright colours
of A.J.'s headstone. For one split second she was disappointed.
She had been waiting for an angel but he had never showed up. She
thought that maybe he would just wave goodbye from the graveyard or something
but it never happened. Then it hit her. Maybe A.J. wasn't alive,
and maybe he wasn't the kind of angel you could see or feel when he touched
your shoulder but he was an angel and to Dakota, that was all that mattered.
He was her angel and would be watching over her wherever she went.
Email: panda_angelaj@hotmail.com
