| To catch up on my beloved series on love I have to log this entry; I have fallen in love once again. This time someone fell in love with me as well. I will tell you now that love is one of the most wonderful experiences that I have ever had the pleasure of feeling. To come home after work and lay my head on her lap listening to her breathe while she rubbed the back of my head and talked to me is one of the greatest memories that I have from our union. I really loved her. A scene in Beauty and the Beast keeps on running through my mind. It was the scene where Mrs. Potts was saying that the Beast had finally learned to love. Most aptly, after the relationship ended, the latter part of that scene was more or less on my mind when they said that Belle had to return his love. His love was simply not enough to fuel a relationship. Which is too true in explicit unions that involve love. Both parties have to commit to this notion. They have to be utterly devoted to it. My beauty did not say, “I love you.” as I lay on the ground dying. I was not transformed into the Prince. I died there while she watched and as she realized what had happened, she turned on her heels and left me.
It’s weird how I can align myself with this analogy. I guess I am still in pain from our separation. I mean, my God, we were only together for three months. This is not a marriage going to waste! It was so much more to me though. She unlocked a door in my heart that I thought that would never open. She found that door when I was unaware that it existed. I think this is the only reason that I can bring myself to talk to other people is that she gave me a very valuable gift. A gift so precious that it would be an abomination to let it go to waste. Even though she walked away from me, I can not fall where I stood and die. As I have lectured to my friends and family, I must move on. I must move on . . . I think one of the better side effects of this relationship is something that I found within it. The first time that I was with Amy, it felt mechanical like when I was with Jaime and Tiffany. When I am with someone in the manner that I was with these three women, there is this need that I have to fulfill to fully satisfy me. I like to lay with them afterwards and hear their hearts and listen to them breath. To me, it is up to par with having sex because I feel so comfortable and relaxed in that sweet embrace. With Jaime and Tiffany, it was not the way it was with Amy. To Amy’s, their embraces were empty as was the sex. Sex happened, that’s it. There wasn’t any other reason other than to have sex. After Amy and I actually hooked up and committed to each other did I start to really enjoy the act of sex. Before that I received the greatest enjoyment in pushing Amy to orgasms. Seeing her reach that peak and go over it is one of the greatest events that I have ever participated in. I loved seeing her through that process. I loved knowing that I was the reason why she was going through that process. When I knew that she had enjoyed herself with me, I felt complete and I felt at ease. Giving to her was the greatest pleasure that I could conceive of. It has been a month since we broke up and I still have no desire to be with another woman. Since there are complications with Amy, I do not wish to be with her either. Though I love her, I feel she has abused my trust by hitting me while I was down. I feel she took advantage of me in my worst moment. I feel odd about this whole ordeal. I do not know how I am to face it. I do not know how I am to go on if I can not bring myself to be with someone else. I have tried hooking up with people even though I feel this way, but I don’t wish to be with them like that even if I am attracted to them. I am more confused right now than I have ever been. The strangest part is that this confusion is not like past confusions, there seems to be more clarity to my thinking. I am not brought down by every little circumstance that impedes me. Maybe it is because I am gaining rein over depression, maybe I am just getting older and wiser. I don’t know. I now know how Jaime felt when I gave her the boot. That rejected hurt. I can also empathize with Amy because I have been in her position too. Her depthless blues eyes that shone to me as beacons now seem hard and cold. They appear stone cold gray. I believe that our eyes are the portals to our hearts. Something that was once open to me is now closed. What else is there to do but go on? I guess I have to take away what I have learned from this. What have I learned of love? That great imposter, the desperate madman, the clingy child. This is what I have learned of love. Love has many faces and it hides itself very well. Only speculative guesses can be made at its where abouts. Love’s attraction is one that pulls the tide like the moon. Love makes a man so that he doesn’t wish to let go. Love is the blanket that we never throw away because we are not sure that we could live on without it. We, like a child, cling to that blanket as if it is our own salvation. This is what I have learned of love. I always thought that people idolized love and over speculated its dimensions. I guess the only surmise that one can bring to love is one’s own perception and magnitude of depth that person can behold. Love is like a double-edged sword because both members have to consummate and consent to their union. Love is a harsh and brutal word. Empty as its meaning that derived from the French equivalent of zero. When one beholds love and it turns into dust before his eyes, one feels as empty and hollow as the ‘o’ in God. Abandoned and destitute. Left to your own devices to weather the storm. Alone. Utterly and completely subjected to the ordeals of loss. I believe that this loss is second only to death. Love is a harsh word, but it beckons you like the Sirens. This is what I have learned of love. This is my burden of thought. Sometimes I feel hollow and wrought like a water pipe and what we had filled me to the brim, but I know that is only partially true. I am not empty without her, but I am not complete either. This is what I have learned of love. It is an open wound. A wound that we can't help but pick at. A wound that would be better if left alone. This is what I have learned of love. |