| The lulls of love are the deadliest Sirens that any man or woman could possibly face. When you hate
something, your certain that you feel the way you do, but that is not the same for love. Love is blinding and touching
in ways that are hard to describe. When you are in the embrace of another, there is this ultimate comfort and
tranquility felt. Sometimes that leads to self-deception, sometimes it leads to lasting long-term marriages. There is
only one time that I felt that I could have felt that way. Maybe its naivete, but we hadn’t kissed. We hadn’t slept
together. We hadn’t had sex. We didn’t have to. Feeling her wrap her arm around mine and her breast nestled
between us as we walked through the mall. Laying against her while watching movies. Seeing that beautiful smile
and those breath taking eyes. Smelling her hair as we hugged each other goodbye. The pain I felt when I found out
that she had left for New York and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Not being able to hug her for the last time. The
realization that I would never to be able to hug her again. Its like she died to me. Every facet about her intrigued me.
The more I saw, the more I wanted. This was the love I felt. I knew this love was true and that my love could stand
the test of time.
I have never been totally assured in my ideal of love after her. Before she left, we went to the same high school. She’s a beautiful Chinese girl named Lu Ming. I loved her ever since we went to the haunted house on Halloween. From the first time she grabbed on to me in fear of the parade of the night, I knew that I loved her. I was afraid to tell her how I felt because we were such good friends, and the fact she had a boyfriend. I loved her so much. All I wanted to do was to be with her. On one afternoon after school I took her home and somehow we managed to get into an argument about her boyfriend of all things. The argument was heated because I had called him a name and said he was stupid. In the heat of the argument, I told Lu Ming that I loved her. I told her that Ben didn’t love her, I did. I even said it twice to emphasize it. I was at my most vulnerable, I had exposed myself to her, and I was shot down. My love wasn’t enough to sway her from Ben. It hurt a lot to finally see that I would never have a chance with her. Because I loved her, I remained her friend. I don’t know how I managed it, but I did. It took me the better part of two years to finally accept the facts to where I could put it behind me. I don’t think I will ever lose my love for Lu Ming, nor do I think that it will ever be sanctified. I just hope that I can learn to love again. Maybe I am suffering from that pain and my mind is trying to protect me from that hurt again, maybe I can’t feel that emotion anymore. I was recently involved in a relationship that turned sour because of my own stupidity. What came from a parking lot fling turned into a relationship. I enjoyed her company so much. I felt complete with her around. I didn’t want her to get out of my sight. The only thing is that I didn’t feel the same way towards her that I felt towards Lu Ming. I think that I wasn’t really in the market for love, I was in the market for companionship and intimacy. In truth, I lied to Jaime about my true emotions because I allowed myself to be deceived. I hurt her very much. I hurt her like I was hurt before with Lu Ming. I didn’t mean to and I tried to deny it when it happened, but that doesn’t fix the matter. I’m such an ass. During this saga, I managed to hurt one of my good friends. One night she had come over to see me because we had not hung out in a long time. Jaime and I were still together at the time. I was so happy to see Nikki that I was delirious and I paid her more attention than Jaime. Nikki is a very attractive young woman and I had thought of dating her before. Which was the key to my undoing. Needless to say, Jaime was jealous and she went into another room to escape us. I confused my feelings of friendship, lust, and hatred for Jaime at that moment. I expressed myself in the manner of seducer. I forced myself upon Nikki as a means of satisfying a need to cause Jaime pain the way her jealously caused me pain. These are not excuses, just variables that could have been played differently. I hurt Nikki by trying to avoid a problem I had with Jaime. I hurt Jaime because I lied to her and almost let myself cheat on her. There are so many justifications that I can come up with to accommodate my actions concerning Jaime, but it is all bullshit when it comes to the fact that I caused her pain and I hurt Nikki. I’ve made my mistakes, I don’t want to make them again. Pain received, pain given. All in the name of love. I think I am numb to the notion of love. I also believe that I am becoming numb to lust as well, but my body is still yurning with that biological urge for reproduction. Even though I have caused pain in others, I have also caused pain within myself because I have hurt people that I care for. I want to throw my hands up in the air and forget about the whole business of love. I know that I can’t forget it. It will always be there in the background waiting for me. At least I hope so. I just don’t know if I can feel love in the manner that is acceptable for a long-term, imtiment relationship like marriage. I don’t want to cause anymore pain to others or myself. Friendship love is the only love that I know that I feel completely. I love Steph, Josh, Rita, Mom, Julie, Nikki, Jaime, Lu Ming, my family, and my friends that are too numerous to list now. Maybe this is all I am capable of, I dunno. But this is just another justification that my choices are right. I’m not so sure about that. |