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It's kinda funny now that I think about it. Another year has passed and I have not violated
my pact with myself to abstain from sex until I find someone that I love. I am still fat and I still
think that I am unattractive even though I have been told otherwise by my mother and a couple of
friends that were trying to be nice. The funny thing is that things haven't really changed in my
life. The only thing that has changed is my thinking and the fact that I am not locked in a cage
that was depression. I have been in love before, but that love has faded and I question the fact of
what love is. Now I feel that I am in love and I don't know if it really is love or not. I meet her in a biology class. At first I hated her because of her ability to be annoying and the fact that some of our beliefs differed, but when I first talked to her I felt as though I had meet one of the most important people in my life. I fell in love at the first glance into her eyes and smile from her radiant face. I pursued her right away. I was not going to let another great woman slip out of my hands. We hung out a lot. We would meet at a walking track and walk forever and talk about everything and nothing all at the same time. She was flirtatous and she loved to tease me with her ample bossom. I felt the attraction, but there was this odd feeling. Upon latter findings, she had a friend where she moved from named John that she thought she loved was very concerned that she didn't lead me along because she had lead John along. It seemed like it burdened her. Guilty conscience, I dunno. It put an almost unpenatrable wall between us in the area of love though. Again, my love wasn't sufficent enough to woo. She is a wonderful and beautiful young woman though. The very thought of her brings a smile to my face. I hope she finds what she is looking for. She's the greatest thing since spice racks and I would be her slave for the rest of my life if she would just
see me for the person that I am and love me in return. All of this is exasperating, but I feel it is
the only viable way of determining who I am. I don't know what step I should take next. So many things are thrown into the air when you partake in a relationship. Love is a wondrous pursuit, but the trail that follows is littered with bitter tears and wanton relationships. Is there anything wrong with seeking a relationship just for the sake of pleasure? No, I don't think so if both parties are aware of the nature of the relationship. What is that line that separates love and lust? Is there some gray area that combines the two? A limbo where the two inter-twine like lovers on a cold night. Can one be attached to someone but not truly love them as in the sense of romantic love? I know that some are thinking that love is love and there is no other variable. Maybe I am trying to conjure a forth dimension to comfort myself: justification of my judgement. If this is so, what the fuck is love? How do I know if I am in love or if I just want this person around for the company and the sex? I dunno. Life is too complicated for a few minutes of debate and a few minutes of contemplation. |