| Graduation night 2000 I experienced my first sexual encounter as an adult. It is all I thought it would be and not as I had hoped. It was great in the fact that I had found someone to share themselves with me. Sex wasn’t what I remembered from when I was eight, it felt mechanical. I didn’t derive the same pleasure from it that I felt a decade before. Something was differnt. I felt like a man, not the insecure little boy that I felt like. When I was with her I walked around the house nude and I did not give my apperance a second thought. It was as if my insecuities melted when I was with her. It was a new feeling that I felt, but it was not the pleasure that I felt in my first expirence when I was a boy. It was an abomination because I broke my vow to abstain. I am not one of the fallen, but I am falling. It has made me “hungry” for it, I want to have sex again. It has also made me be repulsed by my thoughts. I find myself thinking, “I could fuck her.” Its a real, carnal desire. Then I think of her. I think this is something that I would never have done. I feel like I should have be more mature about the situation and made it work. Then I feel that I want to throw her aside and fuck the shit out of her best friend. There was this odd repulsion as well. Not from her, but from sex. Now that I think about it, the next day when she came back over and we engaged in the act of lust again. My heart wasn't in it. I didn't want to have sex. I blew off my disintrest with an excuse, but I was not attracted to the concept of sex. I had been sated the night before. What I think that had been increased though was my heightened awarness that I was able to attract others into sexual relations. Even though I am fat and I feel I am unattractive, others do not. I wanted to be able to attain any woman that I could for the simple fact that it would stroke my ego a little more. Even though I attempted and bacame a devilish flirt, I was shot down numerous times. Why am I always divided on every subject? I feel bad that I want to do this, and then I feel exalted as well. Proud of the fact that I can get it, ashamed in the fact that I know I can and might try.
I know that I do not love her. I feel that I confuse the act of love with the carnal act of
reproduction. I have been lost and not found. Am I too logical in my own mind to fall in love?
How can I shut down that part of me? I am puzzled, I am scatter-brained, Its my soul’s hate, as well as love. Fear of being together versus the fear of being alone.Love was once described to as such: Logic tells me that this is true, my heart is undecided. Love is blind, such as I have been told. And so is hate, rage, and fury. Is one more desirable than the other? But they often feel the same in some unfathomable sense or another. |