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In the past I have dealt with my insecurities by blaming others and confussing myself with hypocritical jargon such as the passage below. I do believe that sexual encounters should be delagated as the individual sees fit, but I also believe that the acts of love (or lust) plays with the minds of those who partake in these communions. I have had my own personal problems that hindered me from attaining what I truely wanted. Though I am glad, in part, that I didn't fold in some cases. Depression was a protective buffer in a lot of ways, but also a caustic buffer as well. I was pitted in situations that I now wish that I had done something or changed something that I had done in the past. With reflection upon these situations, I am glad that I did what I did. Although I do still have a reminescent desire to change my past. If only I had realized anothers affections, or if I had succombed to carnal desire. Then I think of what might have happened if I had done those things and I am grateful, at least in part, that I partook in the things that I had.
I abstain, The only form of sexual communion I have with the world is through my hand: Through visual and mental stimulation. Do I do it because I am fat and I am unattractive? I want to say no, this facade is only part of the answer. I abstain because I want the act to be meaningful, I want it to be with someone that I love. I am afraid. Afraid that the one I choose will not choose me. Afraid of what thoughts might be swayed after the consummation. Afraid that I will hurt the ones I love the most. That’s why I abstain. That is my choice. I have had some experience with sexual encounters before; I was only eight when I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity before I ever knew what value the concept of virginity held. I never had a chance to understand it before. I do now. I want to keep it that way for as long as I can. I could see the pain that my mother, sister, and aunts went through because of the relationships they partook in. I could never understand why they would willingly put themselves in that position. Solitude and emptyness have taught me why. Being alone without someone to understand you and love you completely is a terrible scar to have to carry. I understand now, but I still have my own complications with this problem as well. The thing that I find most irritating is that the beauty of love (or lust) is abused. People fuck just to fuck. Ya know? As if it were a pass-time like watching Seinfield. People find it more convenient to have sex than deal with a problem in the relationship or because the power is out. Its a beautiful part of life and nasty all in one blow. Beautiful because two people can come together and unite. Nasty because it is abused by means of exhilaration and retribution. Nasty because sex is a lucritive source of finacial income and made profitable by our society. I have had little experience on the subject, but I have seen enough to understand the fundamentals. |