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I am not one, but two. I am a monster that rages forever. I am a saint that cringes in the shadows. The saint: A cross dressing pervert of a decadent nature prevails and juxtaposes different shadows of black in my rainbow of life. My black rainbow is the monster of the lightest shade. He fades with the light and can only be seen when he prays on the saint. Other times he is invisible and is camoflogued in the fatigues of a conformist nature. Raped and degraded. How do I trust myself with my history of perversion? No matter the merit of the deed, all this shit encompasses me. I'll never escape it. I'll never outrun it. It will consume me and spit out my environmental friendly soul. Spit on me for that is all the sustanence I deserve. Kick me for that is the only touch I deserve. Never caress me for I will rape your soul. Why am I attracted to the darker side of life? Why do intelligent people venture out and comit stupid acts? I call myself a monster because I hold certain attributes. Some are good and some are not. I am a monster, but there's no need to fear me. Said while hypnotic eyes glare with hunger. I am Vlad. I am social and oddly seductive in a sense. But when I am not under scrutinzing eyes, I am a savage, blood thirsty beast. Check that because I control him. He is my slave. But check that because I am that slave. I am that monster. My Dr. Jekyell and Mr. Hyde. My saint and beast. I am possessed like Ahab, but my madness is not based on a great whale, but on a whale of a man. I have scarred my soul and I feverishly search for the one who has left this mark on me. I am Aaor and Akin. I require intamcy on a personal level. Without this slight touch, I sink inward and revert to a primordial self. Anyone that can hunger can starve. I hunger for love, but I starve myself out of fear of the beast. Over time my resolve degrades. I succomb to lust and desire. I stalk about for any pleasure. When I happen upon my prey and they do not reflect the feelings I desire, I become enraged and I fall deeper into my primordial soup. I fall into a fragmented abyss of hate, love, lust, desire, ambition, and idocracy. I am Bigger because I fear, I kill. I run and run forever, but it always stalks me and exposes me for the "killer" I am. Armed with sterotypes and labels. Armed with a history and a blind eye. Is is better to feel that you are becoming one of the dammed than feeling one is already dammed and must make a futile climb out of this primordial soup we call an eternal hell? Is it better to live life as it is? Or is it better to make the call and shout out the cry for the whale? |