Note: I got some ideas for this from a Dr. Quinn site I visited recently…so if anything looks a tad familiar, it’s cuz I was a tad influenced! =) Sooo, hope you enjoy, and comments can be sent to me at narful@hotmail.com!

Nick: That’s it Jo! We’re going to have a little talk with the writers.

Jo: Not this again Nick!

Nick: I’ve had it. Lately our storylines have just gotten worse. And I’m through with it. We deserve better!

Jo: Now, now, I’m certain that there’s a reason for everything…they probably just forgot about how you complained last time…

Nick: Yeah, like they forgot my birthday?

Jo: Now Nick…they didn’t forget your birthday! You just don’t have one.

Rob: Mother…I wanna go with Nick too…I want a storyline!

Jo: I’m sorry dear, but there’s no way you’re going to have a storyline until mommy has at least a half-way steamy-romance scene.

Dan: But Mrs. Jo, what about my trip out west? I mean, do you really think that families want to see "romantic scenes"? No, they want to see ‘Dan: Wilderness Man."

Nan: Oh PLEASE! Like anyone in their right minds would stay home on a Friday to watch THAT. The saddest thing they ever did was make YOU lead kid. I mean…no wonder why the ratings went down. Now if we had a show…say, something like, "Dr. Nan, Medicine Woman," well that would be different…

Nat: Can’t we all just sit down and have a nice discussion about this like a family?

Nick: They killed my family…and my only living relative is insane.

Jo: Maybe that’s why you don’t have a birthday…

Nat: Bess! Can you help me here?

Bess: Nat! Do you see a spot on my dress? I swear there’s a spot on my dress. I can’t have a spot on my dress!

Dan: Oh, you and your spot…how will you ever be woman enough for…"Dan, Wilderness Man."

Nan: Dan please, you kill one sick and dying lion and suddenly you think you’re some wilderness freak.

Jo: Children really!! Must you act this way?

Nick: Come on Jo, they get all the story lines! Can’t we just…burry them in the yard or something? Or at least hide them under the barn for a season.

Jo: They do NOT get all the story lines Nick-

Nan: Face it Mrs. Jo…I mean, even NAT and I kissed before you guys…and we knew each other just about as long…

Jo: Well Nan…sometimes these things happen…flukes in the writing process really…

Dan: Mrs. Jo, BESS got the moves put on her before you two kissed!

Bess: What? There IS a spot on my dress?

Nat: Bess! Could ya stop it about the dress for ONE MINUTE!!

Nick: Anyway, I want more us time Jo. I mean come on….one dance, one kiss…one IS the loneliest number.

Jo: Yes, well Nick while trying to appeal to families, the writers think that more of the stories should involve the children.

Nick: Yeah…great…great…’medicine woman,’ ‘wilderness boy,’ ‘walt Whitman wanna-be,’ and ‘future Miss America.’

Bess: Who’s Miss America? Wait! Miss??? Am I gonna be an old maid!? MOTHER!!!

Jo: Look what you’ve done!

Nick: Me? What have I done?

Jo: Well now we’ll have to spend a whole episode going over this. Bess, I’m sure, will develop some kind of eating disorder, and Nan will, once again, have to deal with their complicated friendship. Don’t forget the part about Dan grabbing the sleeping pills from Bess’ hand at the last minute, and Nat writing a touching poem about the whole thing. Of course, then we’ll have to have Asia come to terms with her African-american heritage, and her own eating problems as a child. It will probably tie into her obsession with cooking. Then again, we could just leave her out for a few weeks and have Max, the dog run around in circles instead. To top it all off, I’ll have my sisters come over so that we can make hen-like noises and watch you and Laurie snicker. Say, what exactly DO you boys do behind the barn? And why are there dozens of bottles buried in the back yard? Anyway, as you can see, the episode will end with a close up of Dan, only furthering his idea that he is the center of the universe.

Nick: So what you’re saying is….no us?

Jo: No us.

Nan: Does anyone wanna try my health drink? It’s HEALTHY.

Dan: Nan, you better not be trying to kill us all off again. You know, just because you and Nat never-

Nan: Didn’t I tell you never to talk about that again?!

Dan: Look, it’s not my fault that you never got to go to the dance…

Nan: Sure, nothing’s ever your fault. It’s not your fault that Bess gets to wear all the nice clothes…she has a father AND a mother. And even though they’re dysfunctional, at least they visit sometimes!

Dan: Nan, really! When was the last time Amy and Laurie came to see BESS. I mean, would you really come all the way out here to see BESS?

Rob: What about me? I want a story.

Nat: Remember the time Mrs. Jo tucked you into bed?

Dan: That was your story.

Bess: Wait, you mean there’s only one Rob? They show him so infrequently that I thought there were like seven!

Nick: Bess, we’re going to have to have another one of those talks…

Nick: But not in my room again.

Jo: Hey! I thought that we were BOTH miserable.

Nat: No wonder why that little romance between you and Dan never panned out!

Nan: Yeah! I thought you stopped getting air time after the singing episode because they couldn’t take your voice anymore!

Dan: I feel cheated….

Nat: You know, since we’re all getting everything out in the open, I’ve got a confession to make. I don’t want to be a writer. I want to be a ballerina.

Bess: I LOVE the ballet.

Dan: Nat! Come on, don’t you wanna be a ‘Wilderness Man’?

Nan: No, he wants to be my assistant…not dancin’ to some Mozart song!

Bess: I LOVE….aww, who the hell am I kidding anyway? I HATE Mozart, I HATE the ballet, and I HATE art. Why the heck am I even dressed this way?? I want to trade parts, that’s it. And I mean, look at me!! Even Nan gets kissed! All I get is sexual harassment and ‘Wilderness Freak!"

Dan: Yeah, well at least I don’t spend time in Nick’s bedroom!

Bess: Well at least I don’t spend time in Mrs. Jo’s.

Jo: Well don’t look at me! I wasn’t there.

Harrison: I was. (Gasps) It’s true, I have a soft spot in my heart for that ‘Wilderness Man.’

Nick: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Jo: Now Harrison, just because you have less of a story line than my son doesn’t mean you should turn to illegal acts…

Harrison: Don’t you get it Jo? He’s not YOUR son. He’s ours.

Jo: (gulp) OURS?

Harrison: Yes, mine and Eli’s. We adopted him.

Rob: Mommy, I want a pony.

Jo: Not now dear…well FINE Harrison. Then you take him back. I have dreams too you know!

Nick: We know, we know. You wanna be a writer…

Jo: Heck no! I want to visit that field where they filmed ‘Field of Dreams.’ I’m hoping that I too can walk into corn.

Nat: Say Mrs. Jo, is that why you’re always serving corn at the dinner table.

Asia: No, that’s my doin’. I know your secret.

Nat: Umm…yeah, so ANYWAY, Nick, can we go see those writers now?

Nick: Hang on, I just want to check the papers and see if there are any more murders that I can turn myself in for…it’ll only take a sec.

Bess: I want to be a hippie.

Nan: What’s a hippie?

Bess: You know, from the 60’s?

Nan: What’s the 60’s?

Bess: You should watch that movie that was on TV!

Nan: What’s T— aww heck! That’s it! You guys! (Puts her arms around the other three kids.) I don’t really want to be a doctor!

Dan: You want to be my ‘Wilderness Woman’ instead?

Nan: Nooooo….I want to be a psychopathic axemurderess.

Bess: Oh! That’s nice! Can I be a victim?

Rob: Mommy, mommy, guess what I did?

Jo: Not now sweetie!

Rob: Nick, Nick, guess what I did?

Nick: I don’t have any candy today Rob.

Rob: Nan, Nan, guess what I did?

Nan: How many times must I tell you?! I don’t give drugs for free!

Rob: Dan, Dan, guess what I did?

Dan: "He’s a loooooone ranger…..ranger danger…dum dum dum…"

Rob: Nat, Nat, guess what I did?

Nat: Look Rob, now’s not a good time okay? *sniff sniff*

Harrison: I’ll talk to you Rob. Come sit on Uncle Harry’s lap and tell him your troubles.

Rob: BESS!! BESS!!

Bess: What?

Rob: Guess what I did! Guess what I did!

Bess: What did you do sweetie?

Rob: Well, in order to make the writers take us more seriously, I did something that could be considered…umm…bad. I found the extras that play Demi and Daisy and I stapled her to the wall with my new staple gun that mommy bought me for Christmas. She wanted me to be "creative" like Nick. Anyway, I then took all the other extras and…you’ll never guess what I did with them!!

Jo: What did you do?

Rob: I put them inside a circle of stones and told them that if they stepped out, the Indians would attack.

Nick: Rob, you know better than that! Lying ain’t the way to do things.

Rob: But I wasn’t lying. There’s 127 native Indians in the woods with orders from me to shoot the extra kids if they move out of the circle.

Jo: But Rob! You’re just a little boy!!

Rob: (suddenly a very very very deep voice) That’s what you think, mamma.